(no subject)
I have so much to write about. But then again I don't. When did I become such a weirdo? And why do you act a fool? These are my feelings we are talking about. Good gracious, I love Ferris Bueller. And rush is tomorrow... oh happy day. I fit into my pin stripe pants again. I am one hot mama. I had a dream about being pregnant yesterday; that was weird. I did laundry yesterday, that was pretty cool. Saturday, I went out to eat at the Chimes with my lil brother... fun times were had. I bought new clothes and life is pretty awesome. I applied for a ton of jobs. I talked to Laura; she makes me look boring. But she's fun, so I let her get away with it. I want to move now; I want to be cool again. I have a really nice person looking at apartments for me, it's really sweet. Talked to Nohad today too, it looks like she might get an offer in D.C. My face is a mess. I wish it would decide to be either dry or oily... not both. I really need to shave my legs and work out. I just am kinda ick. According to the BMI, I am now just officially overweight and no longer obese. I think green might be my new favorite color. Pink is starting to not be so cool.
I wrote this about a year ago... it's so true; I can't believe how smart I am sometimes:
So, its starting to get crazy around here. I would say that I have several groups of friends, kinda like at LSU, and the busy-ness that ensues because of that is crazy. I want to hang out with all of them, and they want to hang out with me, because I only have like a month and a week left.
And, I just like to be by myself too. And figure things out. I stopped and watched these soccer people. It was weird, but subconciously I started looking for Hunter. Its weird, but I almost forget what he looks like. I don't picture him from when we dated. I have to think of him in photographs, or his face looks wrong. Is that weird? I spent days looking at that face, touching that face, and now, I can't remember what it looks like in real life. I gotta think of that stupid Halloween picture to figure out what he looks like.
Katie has rounds with me. Its either I think of her all the time, and then I have a week where its not as bad. I see pictures of her, and its like she has died all over again sometimes. I read an article about her from her schools newspaper. Its so crazy, but half the cancer stuff it talked about, I never knew about her. It didn't hit me until last night that I didn't even know what kind of Leukemia she had. Shit, I can't even spell that word. I just want one more hug, you know?
Its so comforting being alone. But I want a hug too. I want to come back here. I want a kiss. I want to feel love again. I want to wax my eyebrows. I want to know where home is supposed to be. I want to not feel like a dirty whore. I want to find someone that makes time for me. I want a roomie that is awesome like Nicki. Sometimes I want to disappear. I want a good job. I want to know that my brother isn't going to mess up. I want to know how you feel about it. I want to know if you remember. I want to be done my three papers. I want to see my dog. I want new earrings. I want to be a lil kid where right is right and wrong is wrong.
After church yesterday, some kid came up to me and gave me a high-five, and said, "Southerners hate those homos, don't they?" It hit me.
I want someone to be proud of me. Why do I always mess up?
How is it that you like to look at yourself in the mirror? You know there is a certain way. There is a way, that in the mirror, in your own private world, you know you look your sexiest, your prettiest. I know I have a favorite way.
I just want to cry now. And really, that's dumb. I just had fun watching jarhead, SarahLynn called me, but I just feel so alone. Friends die, leave you, run away, stop caring, tear your heart out over the internet, or you do the same to them.
But I get to go to art class tomorrow. So I should be happier. Colors always make me happy.
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A lot of that I still feel. I don't think it's testament to the fact that I haven't grown up, but maybe I acted like an old persona a year ago. I think I'm just ready to not be where I am right now, but where I'm going to be in 6 months. I'm totally ready. Even though I have no idea.