the day has come
It is finally sunday, the day that my family and I have been dreading all week. Sebastian's memorial is today at 6 and it's gonna be a tough one. Firday night we had a little family memorial dinner because my mom wanted us too. At first i was annoyed cuz I didn't wanna feel sad and she was forcing us to have a dinner where we were supposed to wallow in it..and because i get angry a lot latley. The dinner actually turned out to be a good thing. Dinner was good, my uncle Ray came and we talked and drank wine. When my mom decided to read us a little eulogy though, i made it a point to try and ignore what she was saying...it was only when i saw my dad fall apart that I began to cry..along with everyone else in my family. There is just something about seeing your parents so broken up that makes you crying harder...it think it's because they are supposed to be the pillar of your family and when they fall, everything comes down with it...Although I hated crying and being sad and wished that i wasn't in that place in my life...we all eventually started to talk and my uncle brought us all candles from the Notre Dame cathedral ( he travels a lot) and we each lit a candle for my brother and said a prayer. The odd thing is that I lit mine first and the candle didn't go out until sometime well into yesterday..sometime after 12:30 since it was still burning when i left to meet up with Britty. So we all talked for some time and even well after my sisters had gone home. My dad and I talked well into midnight and amazingly the next morning when i woke up, i wasn't so angry anymore. I was actually pretty calm. I think that building up all this emotion has caused my anger to build as well and by not releasing it, has caused it to build up even more. I'm not saying my mom doesn't frustrate me anymore because of course, she does but, it was nice not to be so angry anymore. I wish that we had just agree to have a family memorial. Today is gonna be tough. I saw seb's friends Adam and Joe the other day when they came over to pick up a picture they were having a friend blow up(to poster size), and we could barely say anything to each other. Our common bond was seb and now he's gone. Sebastian has been dead for a month now and it still seems so surreal. I feel like he is still in san diego, trying to make it when really, he is in a box on our faux fireplace mantel ( although that isn't even him..it's the shell of him that has been converted into ashes). I just hope today goes by quickly and that i can be strong enough not to get too choked up although i know that that will be almost impossible..i'll try though, heh..i'll try.