breaking the silence...
I have been very hesitant to write in this journal. I actually considered never writting in this journal again...i don't know if i will continue to actually...
It has been over two weeks now since i learned of the death of my older brother, sebastian. It's kinda ironic how just a few weeks before I had been coming back to tallahassee from a week break back home, speaking of how much i loved my family. It's weird how for a moment everything is good. The thoughts of my family unit back then were something of a support system. A group of people who would be there for me no matter what. I thought nothing could ever break that sacred bond. I never realized how much death could violate that feeling. I still count on my family for support but now we all must support each other in this time. It is hard...hard to realize that you little clan of five children is now down to only four. I no longer have an older brother and even though time has gone by, writting this realization still gets me choked up... I miss my brother terribly...i wish things weren't how they are and the thought that for the rest of my life I will never see him again, makes me sick to my stomach. My little brother no longer has a brother, let alone an older brother. Heather and I have agree that Ryan, our brother-in-law, will now have to serve as our older brother( which is kinda weird since he is way hot..haha..heh). oh man...nothing that i have experienced so far as been this hard...I thought that breaking up with a loved one sucked..try having them taken away from you forever...
This has been one of those things that you never think will happen to you. I know that everyone says that but it is so true. I remember when i was ten and my father got into an almost fatal car accident, i thought the same thing. I remember thinking that things like this happen when you least expect it...I guess i was too happy for too long and started to be more optomistic and so things once again, fell apart...only a million times harder...
It has been two weeks so we are starting to get through days without crying except not today for me...i knew writting would make me cry. When i was talking to my close friend kyle about all of this he told me to write. I have been terrified of what would pour out of me to be honest. I restrain myself a little, well a lot, since this is a public journal entry but i know that i will have to journal more privately eventually. I'm one of those people who push emotions away at times like these..i know i do..but with something of this magnitude, i know i will have to let go of all this emotion somehow or else i might be emotionally damaged for awhile.
It is getting a little easier to deal with...staying busy helps. I have been painting and spending time with family. My parents had to go to san diego to take care of arrangements and what not as well as pack up seb's apartment and bring it along with his truck back home. They have been gone a week and the house is too quite without them. We all just prayed they would make it home ok..the last thing we need is to lose our parents in a car accident at this time. They were in destin last night though so they should be home tonight. It will be nice to have them around. My dad says he is at peace with the whole thing now but he hasn't had to look at all the pictures my mom has around the house...my father and I are alike in that we would prefer to push away the ill feelings than indulge in them..my mother is the opposite. She relishes in her emotions and she is also a very analytical mind and so sometimes drives us nuts by talking about it over and over again...but we all grieve differently and have had to learn to respect that.
So for now, i'm just awaiting the return of my parents and with it comes another wave of grief since they will be bringing all of his things with them. I think that when the urn is delivered, that will be one of the hardest things. The idea that my brother is no longer here on earth is such an intangible thing...I look at some of my pictures of coming home for holidays and what not and I have a lot that have just my parents with us four kids. Seb was either in gainesville or doing other things so he wasn't always around for holidays. I didn't even really get to know my older brother until I went away to college. For the past three years, we had come to form a friendship through our college experiences. My little brother and I were the ones that had the best relationship out of the four of us...It's funny but the last time i saw sebastian, zach and i made a trip down to ft meyers where he had just moved to. We all went out to dinner and talked and went back to his place and watched " lost in translation". It had gotten late and he asked if we wanted to stay ( I think that he always got so lonely when he was by himself) we said we were gonna just drive home. We then gave each other a hug and said " i love you".............and i remember thinking on the ride back how i never really ever got to spend time with just my brothers......i always hung out with a brother and atleast one sister before or all of us together but never just my brothers...and i'll never get to have that ever again....
atleast I have a good last memory of him..and our last phone call while he was in san diego, after he moved there, was good too...which is great because before that we had gotten into a fight and i would've hated for that to have been the last time i talked to him.
Even now, after some time has past and I hadn't cried in awhile, the grief still resurfaces by writing this and what i thought was gone has obviously only been repressed...my little brother is at work now and i am home alone so i think i'm gonna call my sister, tiffani, and go over her house....and see my little "Boo Bear" Aidan. Seeing my little nephew Aidan always helps.
I really believe that Aidan was born to make up for this loss in our family, by adding a bright new life where we have lost one.
p.s. Thanks to all of you who have shown your support. I love you all.
It has been over two weeks now since i learned of the death of my older brother, sebastian. It's kinda ironic how just a few weeks before I had been coming back to tallahassee from a week break back home, speaking of how much i loved my family. It's weird how for a moment everything is good. The thoughts of my family unit back then were something of a support system. A group of people who would be there for me no matter what. I thought nothing could ever break that sacred bond. I never realized how much death could violate that feeling. I still count on my family for support but now we all must support each other in this time. It is hard...hard to realize that you little clan of five children is now down to only four. I no longer have an older brother and even though time has gone by, writting this realization still gets me choked up... I miss my brother terribly...i wish things weren't how they are and the thought that for the rest of my life I will never see him again, makes me sick to my stomach. My little brother no longer has a brother, let alone an older brother. Heather and I have agree that Ryan, our brother-in-law, will now have to serve as our older brother( which is kinda weird since he is way hot..haha..heh). oh man...nothing that i have experienced so far as been this hard...I thought that breaking up with a loved one sucked..try having them taken away from you forever...
This has been one of those things that you never think will happen to you. I know that everyone says that but it is so true. I remember when i was ten and my father got into an almost fatal car accident, i thought the same thing. I remember thinking that things like this happen when you least expect it...I guess i was too happy for too long and started to be more optomistic and so things once again, fell apart...only a million times harder...
It has been two weeks so we are starting to get through days without crying except not today for me...i knew writting would make me cry. When i was talking to my close friend kyle about all of this he told me to write. I have been terrified of what would pour out of me to be honest. I restrain myself a little, well a lot, since this is a public journal entry but i know that i will have to journal more privately eventually. I'm one of those people who push emotions away at times like these..i know i do..but with something of this magnitude, i know i will have to let go of all this emotion somehow or else i might be emotionally damaged for awhile.
It is getting a little easier to deal with...staying busy helps. I have been painting and spending time with family. My parents had to go to san diego to take care of arrangements and what not as well as pack up seb's apartment and bring it along with his truck back home. They have been gone a week and the house is too quite without them. We all just prayed they would make it home ok..the last thing we need is to lose our parents in a car accident at this time. They were in destin last night though so they should be home tonight. It will be nice to have them around. My dad says he is at peace with the whole thing now but he hasn't had to look at all the pictures my mom has around the house...my father and I are alike in that we would prefer to push away the ill feelings than indulge in them..my mother is the opposite. She relishes in her emotions and she is also a very analytical mind and so sometimes drives us nuts by talking about it over and over again...but we all grieve differently and have had to learn to respect that.
So for now, i'm just awaiting the return of my parents and with it comes another wave of grief since they will be bringing all of his things with them. I think that when the urn is delivered, that will be one of the hardest things. The idea that my brother is no longer here on earth is such an intangible thing...I look at some of my pictures of coming home for holidays and what not and I have a lot that have just my parents with us four kids. Seb was either in gainesville or doing other things so he wasn't always around for holidays. I didn't even really get to know my older brother until I went away to college. For the past three years, we had come to form a friendship through our college experiences. My little brother and I were the ones that had the best relationship out of the four of us...It's funny but the last time i saw sebastian, zach and i made a trip down to ft meyers where he had just moved to. We all went out to dinner and talked and went back to his place and watched " lost in translation". It had gotten late and he asked if we wanted to stay ( I think that he always got so lonely when he was by himself) we said we were gonna just drive home. We then gave each other a hug and said " i love you".............and i remember thinking on the ride back how i never really ever got to spend time with just my brothers......i always hung out with a brother and atleast one sister before or all of us together but never just my brothers...and i'll never get to have that ever again....
atleast I have a good last memory of him..and our last phone call while he was in san diego, after he moved there, was good too...which is great because before that we had gotten into a fight and i would've hated for that to have been the last time i talked to him.
Even now, after some time has past and I hadn't cried in awhile, the grief still resurfaces by writing this and what i thought was gone has obviously only been repressed...my little brother is at work now and i am home alone so i think i'm gonna call my sister, tiffani, and go over her house....and see my little "Boo Bear" Aidan. Seeing my little nephew Aidan always helps.
I really believe that Aidan was born to make up for this loss in our family, by adding a bright new life where we have lost one.
p.s. Thanks to all of you who have shown your support. I love you all.