(no subject)
< begin super emotional I-need-a-shoulder-to-cry-on tangent >
Nobody in this world understands what I'm going through right now. I think there's only one person who understands the emotional torement going on in my life right now, and she seemingly dropped off the face of the planet. Well, that's not fair to say. We just haven't talked in quite some time.
Have you ever loved someone so much that it was killing you inside?
Well, that's what it's like with me towards God. I love Him so incredibly much that it's literally hurting me. I would do anything for Him... He's the sole person who's been there for my entire life and never left my side. He's the only person who's truly "had my back" through everything. Not once has He ever gossiped about me or stabbed me in my back... which, unfortunately isn't something I can say about my so-called "friends."
Do you think it's natural for a 5-year-old to be playing outside in the backyard and not hear her mother screaming for her own life inside the house?
No, that was God placing His hands over my---and my brothers---ears so that we didn't hear that sound every night we laid down to go to sleep; so that we didn't have to live with that for the rest of our lives.
Do you think it's coincidence that after I was sexually molested between the ages of 6 and 9 by another female, my mom just decides to up and move when she didn't find out until a month ago that it happened?
No, that's God removing me from New Orleans so that it didn't happen again.
You think it's just coincidence that I was never able to kill myself? That starving myself and occasionally making myself throw up never landed me in the hospital? That no matter how much I cut myself, nothing ever happened to me?
No, that's God watching out for my life. That's Him making sure I'm okay.
So why am I so horrible to Him?
Oh my God, that kills me... It kills me to know that after everything He's done in my life, I still do things that don't make Him happy. There's not one day that goes by that I'm just completely His.
I give in too easily. I never stand up for myself. I let the enemy run all over me.
Why? I don't know.
How do I stop it? Read my Bible? Pray? What if I do all of those things and it still happens? Is there some higher level that I'm supposed to be going to? Is there some secret to "overcoming" that God's trying to tell me---but the noise in my head keeps drowning out His whispering voice?
When is it going to stop?
When am I going to be able to look in the mirror and not cry because I don't see a 500 lb. whale? That's literally what I see every day of my life. That's what I feel.
When is it going to stop?
When am I not going to be messed up?
Why am I going through this?!
Why does no one seem to care?! Is God trying to teach me to rely only on Him? After all, He is the only person that can truly help me.
But why hasn't He stepped in yet?
Or has He stepped in, and I'm just too blinded by the enemy to see His hands?
Why does it feel like this is never going to end?
Lord, bless me like You blessed Job. You stripped him of everything he ever had and blessed him over and abundantly, more than he could ever ask for! When are You going to bless me?! When do I get to taste Your presence again?! Save me, God! Don't let the enemy overcome me! Rise up inside and take control of my life!
Help me! Don't just sit back!
I'm so tired of being this way!
< /end super emotional I-need-a-shoulder-to-cry-on tangent >
Nobody in this world understands what I'm going through right now. I think there's only one person who understands the emotional torement going on in my life right now, and she seemingly dropped off the face of the planet. Well, that's not fair to say. We just haven't talked in quite some time.
Have you ever loved someone so much that it was killing you inside?
Well, that's what it's like with me towards God. I love Him so incredibly much that it's literally hurting me. I would do anything for Him... He's the sole person who's been there for my entire life and never left my side. He's the only person who's truly "had my back" through everything. Not once has He ever gossiped about me or stabbed me in my back... which, unfortunately isn't something I can say about my so-called "friends."
Do you think it's natural for a 5-year-old to be playing outside in the backyard and not hear her mother screaming for her own life inside the house?
No, that was God placing His hands over my---and my brothers---ears so that we didn't hear that sound every night we laid down to go to sleep; so that we didn't have to live with that for the rest of our lives.
Do you think it's coincidence that after I was sexually molested between the ages of 6 and 9 by another female, my mom just decides to up and move when she didn't find out until a month ago that it happened?
No, that's God removing me from New Orleans so that it didn't happen again.
You think it's just coincidence that I was never able to kill myself? That starving myself and occasionally making myself throw up never landed me in the hospital? That no matter how much I cut myself, nothing ever happened to me?
No, that's God watching out for my life. That's Him making sure I'm okay.
So why am I so horrible to Him?
Oh my God, that kills me... It kills me to know that after everything He's done in my life, I still do things that don't make Him happy. There's not one day that goes by that I'm just completely His.
I give in too easily. I never stand up for myself. I let the enemy run all over me.
Why? I don't know.
How do I stop it? Read my Bible? Pray? What if I do all of those things and it still happens? Is there some higher level that I'm supposed to be going to? Is there some secret to "overcoming" that God's trying to tell me---but the noise in my head keeps drowning out His whispering voice?
When is it going to stop?
When am I going to be able to look in the mirror and not cry because I don't see a 500 lb. whale? That's literally what I see every day of my life. That's what I feel.
When is it going to stop?
When am I not going to be messed up?
Why am I going through this?!
Why does no one seem to care?! Is God trying to teach me to rely only on Him? After all, He is the only person that can truly help me.
But why hasn't He stepped in yet?
Or has He stepped in, and I'm just too blinded by the enemy to see His hands?
Why does it feel like this is never going to end?
Lord, bless me like You blessed Job. You stripped him of everything he ever had and blessed him over and abundantly, more than he could ever ask for! When are You going to bless me?! When do I get to taste Your presence again?! Save me, God! Don't let the enemy overcome me! Rise up inside and take control of my life!
Help me! Don't just sit back!
I'm so tired of being this way!
< /end super emotional I-need-a-shoulder-to-cry-on tangent >