Release
It's late, and I just feel like writing. I've already posted in my other blog an ungodly amount today, and I don't want to take up too much space in my journal, so I guess I'll just write stuff out here.
Life has been weird lately, very weird.
Dad's been hospitalized three times in the past month an a half: broken foot, blood clot, and then blood being too thin. It scares me to death. My dad is the only parent I can admit some of my more serious vices to, and he doesn't get too preachy, even though I make him sad. I don't like making him sad, but what can I do? When I try to be who he wants me to be, I don't feel like myself.
Lately, as he's been in hospital, I've had to think about this: would I want him to be disappointed in me if he dies? It's an internal struggle that basically kills you, no matter which way you choose to go.
Either way, I feel like I'd lose something.
Mom and I, obviously, have a continuing struggle. We build bridges and tear them down on a regular basis, and it's emotionally exhausting. Dad is my sanity. We'd kill eachother with him gone, I'm pretty sure.He's always the one to come find me when she throws me out of the house. He sat with me in the hospital when I had my mental collapse.
When he's sick like this, it really stresses me out.
I went to the doctor today. I'm 18 years old, and I have high blood pressure. It used to be perfect, every damn time. I'm going to blame recent events on the sudden spike.
That's another thing-- my health. I feel like I'm dying. Nothing is right with me anymore. This shit, the high blood pressure and my increasing fainting spells , is scaring me. I don't feel like myself. I feel like I'm turning into an old woman.
What can I do?
I'm so tired. There are too many horrible things.
Life has been weird lately, very weird.
Dad's been hospitalized three times in the past month an a half: broken foot, blood clot, and then blood being too thin. It scares me to death. My dad is the only parent I can admit some of my more serious vices to, and he doesn't get too preachy, even though I make him sad. I don't like making him sad, but what can I do? When I try to be who he wants me to be, I don't feel like myself.
Lately, as he's been in hospital, I've had to think about this: would I want him to be disappointed in me if he dies? It's an internal struggle that basically kills you, no matter which way you choose to go.
Either way, I feel like I'd lose something.
Mom and I, obviously, have a continuing struggle. We build bridges and tear them down on a regular basis, and it's emotionally exhausting. Dad is my sanity. We'd kill eachother with him gone, I'm pretty sure.He's always the one to come find me when she throws me out of the house. He sat with me in the hospital when I had my mental collapse.
When he's sick like this, it really stresses me out.
I went to the doctor today. I'm 18 years old, and I have high blood pressure. It used to be perfect, every damn time. I'm going to blame recent events on the sudden spike.
That's another thing-- my health. I feel like I'm dying. Nothing is right with me anymore. This shit, the high blood pressure and my increasing fainting spells , is scaring me. I don't feel like myself. I feel like I'm turning into an old woman.
What can I do?
I'm so tired. There are too many horrible things.