Bilin
Watching an episode of Ghost Adventures wherein they try to communicate with the dead daughter of one of their equipment suppliers, and it got me thinking about my own death. I mean admittedly I have been thinking about it a lot, but I'm proud to say that it's not in the taking it myself way. But yeah, she died at like 18 or 17, and it made me think about the stuff I want my family and friends to do to me or my body or whatever when I die.
- I want my brown scapular that I always wear, the one with the broken cross, to be tossed in like the most beautiful place I've ever seen. This is in Cebu, and we saw that place when we went island hopping, and it was one of the stops, and there was even like a sort of hostel on that mini island. I want my scapular to be tossed at the place where there crystal clear waters that you can see the sand for miles and miles all around. Like literally walking on heaven type. I want my scapular to be laid there. Sorta want it to be buried underneath the sand so no one else will find it hehe and yeah so none of the people I know will be tempted to take it again or something. That scapular is mine you know, and I really want a part of me to be there forever, in the most beautiful place in the world for me.
- I want every donate-able part of my body to be donated. Even my body itself like to a hospital or something. If any would have it of course. Like if a hospital is interested in studying an obese corpse or whatever, I just want to be donated. I want to be able to save at least one other person even if I'm gone, like that is just so important to me. My life was so amazing, and I just wanna make sure someone else has that opportunity to live an amazing, amazing life even if mine has ended. If there are still parts of me that remain after all the donations then I want to be cremated. Which then brings me to my next point:
- If parts of me end up being cremated, I want my family to give my ashes to a stranger and bury it in an unmarked grave in cemetery they don't know. I don't want there to be a grave of like my final resting place or whatever. I fucking hate that. Final resting place. Wtf. No. It's like a place where I love can go and be sad about my death. Just fuck no. I don't want there to be a physical embodiment of losing me; a place that stands solely for the loss of my life. I fucking hate that. If my friends and family want to go to a place to remember me, then I want them to go to places where we shared amazing memories. Places where they remember me making them laugh, them making me laugh, a place where they have an amazing memory of me. I don't want people to be sad when they remember me. I want them to be reminded of the great moments we had together, and celebrate those moments because they happened, and I was there with them, and they were there with me. I don't want them to be sad that those moments are over, but be happy that we got to have them when we could.
- No video slideshows or whatever of my life please. I mean, Jesus H Christ, I have had n-birthdays til my death you should've made your goddamn slideshows during my birthdays but you didn't. Don't be assholes and think that just because I died I suddenly deserve a video slideshow with my old pictures and people's messages to me. If you didn't think I deserved to be made one while I was living, then I definitely don't fucking deserve one now that I'm dead. Yes, ok obviously I am bitter that no one ever thought I deserved to be made a slideshow of, and yeah I'll admit to it. Just because I'm dead doesn't mean I'll start bullshitting everybody. Yes, I know my friends made for me during my 18th birthday, I swear I am forever grateful for that, but come on, only because I asked for it. I may be bitter and sad that no one ever really thought to make me those things, or think that I deserved to be made those things, but I just need to set one thing straight: this does not in any way make me mad or like hold it against my friends. Really. There are just some people that, when you know their birthday is coming up, you automatically think of the many ways to surprise them and make stuff for them, and there are some people that you don't. It's sad, but it's also ok that I'm part of the latter group of people. I'm the type that throws parties during her birthday, not the one who's being thrown a surprise party for, and again it's ok. Friends and family please do not beat yourselves up over this. Really, it's ok :) Alex promise. Like think of my face when I'm saying something is ok and I'm serious. I want to be remembered and treated like how I was when I was alive. Don't suddenly put me in the other category of people just because I'm dead. Let's not kid ourselves here. I don't want things like that to change just because I'm dead. Please just don't. That is just so fucking offensive to me. Remember me like you would when I was alive, and treat my corpse that way. So please, don't fucking do it. Just don't.
- No, no "write your message for Alex on this wall" type of shit either. No releasing of balloons, doves, butterflies, sharks (my favorite animal btw) type of shit. Same reason as above. And of course the additional, if you couldn't say it to me or about me when I was alive, then just don't bother. Because ok, I don't want any of you guys pretending our relationship was something it wasn't just because I'm dead. I know the whole "you don't know what you got til it's gone" shit but ugh please, I don't want anyone to suddenly be mourning an idea they have of me or who I was, and then have a hard time letting that go because suddenly all the things they hated about me disappear. That's so fucking bullshit. Don't fucking do that to me please. Remember me exactly for who I was, and that's why I want to be treated exactly the way if I was alive. No bullshit please.
- No memorials (HAHA KAPAL BUT JUST IN CASE OK). I don't want to be memorialized, I want to be immortalized mehehehe
- Please serve paella (both negra and valenciana), cebu lechon, and Mama Fely's leche flan at least once during my wake. Family, please eat ground pork with potatoes for breakfast at least once during my wake, and then like the next day Tita Ely's beefsteak. I love that shit. Eat for me please. Also, if possible, please serve Cafe Luna's pinakbet pizza and Herencia's Dinuguan pizza at least once. Family, please eat Ilokano food the whole day for one day. Again, I fucking love that shit too. Try to serve Mad Mark's ice cream too please whenever you can. Just my favorite place to get ice cream ever, and I want everybody to be able to experience the amazingness and majesty that is Mad Mark's icecream. On the way out of the wake area place whatever, please have a bowl of Ferrero Rocher and Hany. I fucking love those things. Enjoy them for me please.
- Please burn all my palancas, you'll find them in 2 different envelopes and in one purple box in my room. If parts of me are being cremated, then please burn the letters with me. If not, then please burn them in a pot (as in yung paso talaga) with a bouquet of carnations, lilies, and chrysanthemums that have like a blue-purple motif hehe please and thanks. Oh and all my name tags too please.
- All my snowglobes go to my sister Audrey. Make the collection grow. Please please let me be controlling and ask you to only buy a snowglobe to add to the collection when you've visited a state or city. Like you have to have physically been there. Pleeeaassseee hehe thanks
- Al, you can have your pick of gadgets that I have. Even hard drives or chargers or whatever.
- My polaroids will go to whoever I have with me in the picture. If I'm not in the picture and multiple people are there, please do rock-paper-scissors to settle who gets them. Seriousfuckingly. Same goes with my polaroid camera, rock-paper-scissors that shit.
- I would really super fucking love it if the bouquets and flowers arranged around me are all carnations. If it's too expensive (hehe sorry don't know how much it costs) then at least like the majority. Blue tones would be preferable HAHA
- I have a bunch of house music concert tickets and bracelets and such, and I want my friends to bury it somewhere in the Tomorrowland grounds while you guys are attending it. Even if I do end up being able to go at least once, just please friends :( Sorry! I know this is a shit ton to ask of you guys, but ugh. I love house music :( HAHA
- Please donate all of the books and clothes, and shoes you guys don't wanna use or wear.
- Family, if you decide to keep all my watches then ok go lang. You guys gave them to me anyway HAHA but please give my black Timex watch to Oa. Sorry bro, I wanna give you the other stuff but I didn't pay for them HAHA
- Family, you guys have the only right to my bags HAHA you can keep, donate, or sell them if you want. Doesn't really matter. Same with my jewelry.
- Please sell any leftover stuff I have. Don't hoard it like I do. 80% of the profit goes to my family; 40% to my parents, and my siblings Al and Audrey both get 20% each, do with it as you will. The remaining 20% will go to a shark-saving foundation. You guys be the judge on which is the most credible one. I just really fucking love sharks ok? :( But yeah again this goes for everything else except for my bags, jewelries, watches, and polaroids, polaroid camera, snowglobes, and what ever items I meantioned above.
- I want my funeral service to be like the proper mass and rites of the Roman Catholic Church, and well, yes, eulogies please hehe, and then a feast after hehe DRESS CODE IS FORMAL WEAR ONLY PLEASE HAHAHA I just fucking love seeing everyone all dressed up and dolled up with like suits and ties and gowns and heels and just ugh, I want you guys to be able to see each other like that, and see how amazing and beautiful all of you guys are. This is super frakin cheesy, but you know, I want you guys to see each other like how I see you guys. NO FREAKIN EXCEPTIONS. This is why preferably this shit is done somewhere that's airconditioned HAHA I don't want you guys to be sweating bullets and shit, and have like make-up dripping down your faces. This is really just for the funeral service though. Also, please play house music HAHA fohsrs though
- And let me just repeat again, I want this service to end in a kainan feast fiesta with all my favorite foods available. Since I'm not getting buried BECAUSE AGAIN I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A MEMORIAL PLACE SHIT there's no awkward how long after she's lowered into the ground can we leave type of scenario. If people want to eat after the service then feast, if not, then ok go home. Thank you for coming though! Really :)
- Convert my room into something functional ASAP. Don't let my memory linger there. Let in linger in your hearts. WAHAHAHAHA KAPAL KAINIS But really frealz though. I don't want anyone like sitting on my bed imagining how I used to lie there. No please. Turn the loss of me into a gain. Make it a guest room (although people might be a bit creeped out to stay there), a gym, A SAUNA OMG THAT WOULD BE SO AMAZING, whatever tickles you fancy; just make sure you guys get rid of mine-ness of my room. I'm gone. I can't have it anymore, please, make it yours.
- Burn all my personal memorabilia like the "Alex" stuff I post on my walls. Burn them with my palancas please.
- My Facebook password will be in my phone. Joel Magturo knows the code to it. You guys don't have to deactivate my account, but please make it so that no one can write on my wall again. Again, anyone could have done that when I was alive, there's no point in doing it now. Please, please please respect this wish of mine.