Monogamy.
I first started dating [properly, at least] when I was 13.
I had so-called "boyfriends" before that, in Germany, but I was a real tomboy and it never went past holding hands, even though a lot of my friends were already having sex in basements by then.
No, I started off when I was 13. And it was like an addiction - like a whole new world had opened up to me that I never knew about.
I never found myself physically attractive, most of all not in that year. I was boobless, buttless, and had crooked teeth - I had nothing going for me. But for some reason, boys were flocking to me like pigeons to a statue.
I can't count how many guys I dated that year; there were too many. None of them lasted long because I felt like I wanted them all at the same time. But since I couldn't have that, I decided to have them one after the other instead. I must have dated around half of the guys in my freshman year. Plus a sophomore. And two seniors. Yes, I dated two seniors when I was a freshman. Go, me. This lasted throughout summer.
Then, sophomore year came. I met this guy called JC. And man... dating was no longer an option for me. I turned relationship whore, at its worst! How long did I stay in that relationship for? Far too long. He cheated on me countless times but I kept turning a blind eye.
But sometime during junior year, I finally opened my eyes. I said goodbye, let him go, and that's when Carlo happened. Carlo. The guy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, was it? But I guess, at 15-16, you always delude yourself with things like that. I was caught up in puppy love. And I thought that was it. When I found out we were leaving Manila, it was such a blow. I had sex with him [he was my first] because I was scared I would meet some loser in Bangkok and regret not having had sex with Carlo. I have no regrets about what I did. I really believed I loved him at the time. But I had just turned 16. Wtf did I know? We did long distance. But hell, no one told me that once you've had sex, you'll be craving it like a lunatic. I didn't really crave it. But I thought about it alot. And so that led to my cheating escapades. Since he was in Manila, I knew he'd never find out. How long did i cheat on him for? A year? Maybe more? Then I just stopped responding to his e-mails and his text messages. I never called him. I never went on YM to chat. I got my acceptance letter to Ateneo - our dream college. And I didn't go. Wrong move? Who knows? It's too late now.
Since Carlo, I never really used the word "love" much. Hell, I never used it at all after that.
I entered the dating world and it was so much easier here because my parents were much more lenient and there were so many more opportunities for me to meet people. And if things didn't work out, no hard feelings. I had more than a million hook-ups. I didn't turn into a slut, though; don't get me wrong. Everytime I craved sex, I always went back to that one person I could always rely on [we'll call him the Phantom]. The Phantom was the main person I cheated on Carlo with. And for a year, I kept going back to him. Even when I was in a steady, sex-full relationship, I still went back to him a couple of times when I got sick of the guy I was with. Then that guy left for Singapore. My heartbroken self found solace in who else but the Phantom?
Then, when I was 18, I dated a Brit. He was older. And a model/actor. I lived with him for eight months. That didn't work out.
Hello again, Phantom.
Then there was the giant. Then there was Viktor. Then there was XKy. Then there was a one-day-stand with a kid [he was 15; i was 20]. Then there were countless summer hook-ups and post-summer hook-ups. The Phantom appeared through all of this more than once. Then there was the guy with the view.
And then, at the end of 2007, there was Antti.
I'm telling you, I have never felt this way about a guy before. If I thought Carlo was love, then this... wow, this I can't even describe. I think about him all the time. And when I'm with him, it's like time doesn't even exist. He's perfect. For me, at least. I never met anyone who made me feel so content... so happy... so complete before. When in past relationships, I'd get sick and find a random hook-up to alleviate the boredom with, I don't find that with Antti at all. And it's not about sex, seeing as we haven't had sex yet. [Snap your jaw shut - don't be so surprised.] It's different. It's very different. And in some sense, it scares me because I've never felt like this before. And although I should be happy about that, I'm so scared that he doesn't feel as strongly about me and I'm scared that I'll lose what we have.
He's in Finland now, and I have no idea when I'm seeing him again. And even that thought scares me. I wish I could jump into the future and see what's going to happen. If it'll all be worth it. But I can't. And that scares me, too. I've never been so scared about anything in my life and now I'm blabbing on my blog that no one reads, I bet, just to find some serenity within myself that does not exist to my knowledge.
I wish he would come back. Or at least visit.
I wish I could just hug him right now.
I wish someone would tell me things are gonna be alright.
I wish. I wish.