(no subject)
I really can't bear the thought of becoming tiresome about this, but I can't seem to keep myself from talking about it because it's just always on my mind...so I'm going to put Arnold stuff behind a cut-tag, where it can be easily ignored.
I had the most terrible dream last night. Arnold was alive - he was on the kitchen counter. It was so incredibly real - in my dream it was like it had all been a mistake, a bad dream; he hadn't died at all. I could see him so clearly; he wasn't wearing his collar - and I could feel him. I picked him up and was holding him in my arms... And then I was jolted out of sleep to wakefulness so abruptly, and for a moment it felt real, and I was so happy, so relieved, but then it just slammed into me. It was the most terrible, terrible thng. Like what I wanted so much was just there, I had it in my reach for a moment, but it slipped away, it was ripped away, it was never real, and it made the loss feel so sharp and close. It still makes my stomach hurt to think of it. It's just...how could he not be here anymore? How could it be? Not like everyone who's been in this position, had a loss, hasn't asked this question - not like I haven't - but that doesn't make it any easier to wrap my mind around. And I try my hardest not to think about this stuff when I don't have to, because this kind of thinking has sent me into spirals of hopelessness too often in the past; that's one reason I avoid death stories. But now I find myself with an odd craving to read Jane Mailander's Land Bridge series... Talk about masochism.
In other news, I'm at slashy book group today, at gblvr's. We started with a con_txt con com meeting, where gblvr and I went over all the fun stuff we did for Close Quarters - some good ideas. But other people came, so we've moved on to the actual book (we don't like to subject others to the inner workings of the con com - it's like watching sausages being made *g*), which of course is HP/DH. And this is one of those rare, rare times that we're actually discussing the assigned book - we've spent over an hour discussing it! Of course, I haven't read it, but I've been thoroughly spoiled (by choice). I wasn't sure I wanted to; what I knew of it seemed so...disheartening, from a fannish perspective, and reading it seemed such an unappealing prospect; I'd rather read the seventh story in Telanu's Tea series. But they've convinced me I should. Of course, Telanu's story is on the list, too, but I have to re-read #s 5 and 6 in the series first. I still remember how blown away I was by The Wizard Song (#5) - I wrote a long review about it here, as I recall.
But HP is always just a dabble on the side. I've started to catch up on other Pros stuff now that CQ is over, like archiving - and to think about other things, like editing. And I'm even reading a little - I've picked up Classified again, which I've only ever read once before. You'd think I might eventually get enough B&D, but you'd be wrong. Obsession is a wonderful thing!
(I'm finding myself really enamored of this icon. I've had it for a long time, but for some reason it's just...really...appealing to me this week... :sigh:)
I had the most terrible dream last night. Arnold was alive - he was on the kitchen counter. It was so incredibly real - in my dream it was like it had all been a mistake, a bad dream; he hadn't died at all. I could see him so clearly; he wasn't wearing his collar - and I could feel him. I picked him up and was holding him in my arms... And then I was jolted out of sleep to wakefulness so abruptly, and for a moment it felt real, and I was so happy, so relieved, but then it just slammed into me. It was the most terrible, terrible thng. Like what I wanted so much was just there, I had it in my reach for a moment, but it slipped away, it was ripped away, it was never real, and it made the loss feel so sharp and close. It still makes my stomach hurt to think of it. It's just...how could he not be here anymore? How could it be? Not like everyone who's been in this position, had a loss, hasn't asked this question - not like I haven't - but that doesn't make it any easier to wrap my mind around. And I try my hardest not to think about this stuff when I don't have to, because this kind of thinking has sent me into spirals of hopelessness too often in the past; that's one reason I avoid death stories. But now I find myself with an odd craving to read Jane Mailander's Land Bridge series... Talk about masochism.
In other news, I'm at slashy book group today, at gblvr's. We started with a con_txt con com meeting, where gblvr and I went over all the fun stuff we did for Close Quarters - some good ideas. But other people came, so we've moved on to the actual book (we don't like to subject others to the inner workings of the con com - it's like watching sausages being made *g*), which of course is HP/DH. And this is one of those rare, rare times that we're actually discussing the assigned book - we've spent over an hour discussing it! Of course, I haven't read it, but I've been thoroughly spoiled (by choice). I wasn't sure I wanted to; what I knew of it seemed so...disheartening, from a fannish perspective, and reading it seemed such an unappealing prospect; I'd rather read the seventh story in Telanu's Tea series. But they've convinced me I should. Of course, Telanu's story is on the list, too, but I have to re-read #s 5 and 6 in the series first. I still remember how blown away I was by The Wizard Song (#5) - I wrote a long review about it here, as I recall.
But HP is always just a dabble on the side. I've started to catch up on other Pros stuff now that CQ is over, like archiving - and to think about other things, like editing. And I'm even reading a little - I've picked up Classified again, which I've only ever read once before. You'd think I might eventually get enough B&D, but you'd be wrong. Obsession is a wonderful thing!
(I'm finding myself really enamored of this icon. I've had it for a long time, but for some reason it's just...really...appealing to me this week... :sigh:)