(no subject)
i'm in another one of those moods...
the kind of moods that i thought required coriciden cough and cold to be in.
i thought about the days of cafe paradiso and nik mabry and giving up meat for lent, and brandon and i deciding to become each others support system for being vegetarians, and babysitting at first baptist, and being elected sophomore class president...then fast forwarding to the drugs days of angel vicki layne danny and greg, and all the trouble we got into...then moving into the paper tiger summer, which was it's own thing...then moving on to the philly days, and now being here.
each stage i feel like i was a different person, and i look back almost from an omnicent point of view, i feel like that was me during any of those times. i still don't feel like it's me here in college now.
i think i'm crazy, and one day this city really is going to drive me out of my mind. between the crowded subway and the literally running into people on the streets, and the being broke, and the trying to afford school, and the not being the best anymore, and the work, and the realization that i'm just a boy in a big city, and the voices that don't stop even after i leave the streets...i'm going insane.
this isn't what i want.
things change.
first loves get engaged...
best friends become old friends who catch up online...
memories become stories that become nothing...
people move on...
because life moves on...
everything is so jumbled and i just want it to untangle.
i look at pictures of sara estes and realize why every guy/girl/entity i've ever know has at some point been completely in love with her. and i want to be that type.
i want everyone to love me,
i want to be loveable.
i want to be loved.
i want to be everything to everyone.
and if not...i want to sleep, and not wake up this time.
what would you do? reassure, it's neccessary at this point.
...................
but it's okay, because i'm sure come the morning i'll be fine.
the kind of moods that i thought required coriciden cough and cold to be in.
i thought about the days of cafe paradiso and nik mabry and giving up meat for lent, and brandon and i deciding to become each others support system for being vegetarians, and babysitting at first baptist, and being elected sophomore class president...then fast forwarding to the drugs days of angel vicki layne danny and greg, and all the trouble we got into...then moving into the paper tiger summer, which was it's own thing...then moving on to the philly days, and now being here.
each stage i feel like i was a different person, and i look back almost from an omnicent point of view, i feel like that was me during any of those times. i still don't feel like it's me here in college now.
i think i'm crazy, and one day this city really is going to drive me out of my mind. between the crowded subway and the literally running into people on the streets, and the being broke, and the trying to afford school, and the not being the best anymore, and the work, and the realization that i'm just a boy in a big city, and the voices that don't stop even after i leave the streets...i'm going insane.
this isn't what i want.
things change.
first loves get engaged...
best friends become old friends who catch up online...
memories become stories that become nothing...
people move on...
because life moves on...
everything is so jumbled and i just want it to untangle.
i look at pictures of sara estes and realize why every guy/girl/entity i've ever know has at some point been completely in love with her. and i want to be that type.
i want everyone to love me,
i want to be loveable.
i want to be loved.
i want to be everything to everyone.
and if not...i want to sleep, and not wake up this time.
what would you do? reassure, it's neccessary at this point.
...................
but it's okay, because i'm sure come the morning i'll be fine.