[TM] 209 - Fears.
I used to not fear anything, it was a matter of fact sort of feeling actually. To not have any worry that things were going to all collapse into your lap at any moment. Invincible almost to think that way. Then slowly but surely things etched away at that confidence. I know it didn't help being the way I was, all gusto and glory trying to make those big waves in the tiny little pond, but I did what I figured I should do. Plus I did it well and looked fantastic doing it too.
So it started out small with Cordelia showing up, then it sort of compounded and stacked up on itself when Angel hauled me into his office. Of course it sort of got bigger than I could handle and by then it was out of my hands and given right up to Them.
My world got a bit smaller and I spent my time curled up in a bed that I didn't share with anyone anymore, in the dark just waiting for Them to claim me next. Of course things don't go the way you plan them, and eventually the big bad you're waiting for finds some other way of making you hurt. So you sign on the line and you say goodbye to the invincible feelings you had before, not that they had clung to you recently anyway. They've already fallen to the wayside of life, not even a hitchhiker on that highway of misery that you considered your life as a mortal.
People die.
People come back.
Lives are lost.
Buildings are rebuilt.
Hope springs eternal and the human race still keeps on trucking.
Then there's me.
Repeatedly told how I've broken out of that mold, how I'm my own person and I have my own destiny. That what they made me is such a small shadow of what I am now that I shouldn't even let it slip into my thoughts.
Big shocker, but there it is. Flashing neon lights up at me all the time. They made me, they took away my immortality, they played around with me just to see how far I'd fall and if I'd pick myself up again in the end.
Which I do, and they should know that because that's how they made me.
So you want to know what I fear most? That sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach when I start to let all those thoughts I shouldn't have stack up inside my head until I figure I'll tip over if I look at something the wrong way?
That I'm just like Them, or if I'm not now? I will be one day. That these are all just tests, little trials to see if I'm worthy to take on something bigger. To see how much shit they can throw my way and watch how well I cope. That one day the slip of paper under my door will be my new business card and the last name I have will be more than just a name.
It'll be an identity.
So it started out small with Cordelia showing up, then it sort of compounded and stacked up on itself when Angel hauled me into his office. Of course it sort of got bigger than I could handle and by then it was out of my hands and given right up to Them.
My world got a bit smaller and I spent my time curled up in a bed that I didn't share with anyone anymore, in the dark just waiting for Them to claim me next. Of course things don't go the way you plan them, and eventually the big bad you're waiting for finds some other way of making you hurt. So you sign on the line and you say goodbye to the invincible feelings you had before, not that they had clung to you recently anyway. They've already fallen to the wayside of life, not even a hitchhiker on that highway of misery that you considered your life as a mortal.
People die.
People come back.
Lives are lost.
Buildings are rebuilt.
Hope springs eternal and the human race still keeps on trucking.
Then there's me.
Repeatedly told how I've broken out of that mold, how I'm my own person and I have my own destiny. That what they made me is such a small shadow of what I am now that I shouldn't even let it slip into my thoughts.
Big shocker, but there it is. Flashing neon lights up at me all the time. They made me, they took away my immortality, they played around with me just to see how far I'd fall and if I'd pick myself up again in the end.
Which I do, and they should know that because that's how they made me.
So you want to know what I fear most? That sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach when I start to let all those thoughts I shouldn't have stack up inside my head until I figure I'll tip over if I look at something the wrong way?
That I'm just like Them, or if I'm not now? I will be one day. That these are all just tests, little trials to see if I'm worthy to take on something bigger. To see how much shit they can throw my way and watch how well I cope. That one day the slip of paper under my door will be my new business card and the last name I have will be more than just a name.
It'll be an identity.