[TM] 188 - Forgive me... for I know exactly what I'm doing now.
It's been almost a week since Eve's arrived back in Boston, and her arrival home was not what she expected. Her attempt to save the man she loved... resulted in saving a man who she didn't want to love anymore. It ended with her finding out the truth... that the firm had condemned Joe back to his father.
That first night, waiting for a phone call that never came, put her in the place where Joe must have been when she took off. There was no blame to be laid, she knew he had to deal with this... and on his own terms. When Joe finally called her a few days later she was relieved, but could hear the distance in his voice. Disconnected, pulled taut across his own fear and exhaustion and she knew that he needed space the same that she had. So she gave it to him, leaving him to his own methods until he was ready to come to her.
Now it's coming back around to be that single week of waiting to see him again, and it's forced her to put into thought why she had left in the first place. The thought of running from it all, of just packing it up and heading to restart skirted on the edges of her own reality and she clung to that hope of something better for her.
As Eve headed to the desk in her office at the house she felt Connie rubbing against her legs. The cat that consoled Joe while she was gone, was attempting to do the same for her. Give her something real, something to hold to in all of the solitude. Instead all she had were her thoughts, and they were coming to a rapid succession of truths that she hadn't realized she was ready to hear.
Taking a seat at her desk she pulled up Lindsey's email and finally read it, all the way through. Trying to sort out just what had bothered her more about the whole mess. If it was the action he was required to take... or the fact that she knew what action would be taken against him. She hadn't been honest with herself running for the wrong reasons, putting a distance so great in her life that a single hand outstretched to pull her back home wasn't enough.
Lindsey,
I read your email, and I'm sorry that it took me so long to write you back. I think life has finally thrown me the ultimate curve ball and I'm stuck looking at things from a different point of view. I did hear about the events at the firm involving Ryan and I wasn't even sure how to handle it all. I wanted to just forget it happened, to push that thought from my mind. I didn't want to believe that you were capable of being that man again. I think part of me wanted to trust that you would have found another way. That for all the resources and research you had done that there would have been more options.
Leaning back in her seat she read over what she had written and knew that she was forcing herself to think a certain way. Making a response that was as blank on the page as it was feeling in her mind. Eve knew what she was feeling, how betrayed she felt when she went in to see Ryan only to realize that once more she was going to be left empty handed for all her efforts. Discarding the first email her hands rested on those keys for a while, starting to move to type but pulling back with hesitation. Whatever words she wanted to come... couldn't find their way out of her. It was the one thing she knew she needed to do, and the one thing that she hated having to decide.
Lindsey,
I got your email a while back, but I'll be honest to say that I hadn't fully read it until just now. I think I'm glad that I waited until now to read it that closely because if I had read it while I was in Gotham, or Manhattan it would have made coming back even more difficult.
Since crossing back into your life I've made that effort to be your friend. To be there when you needed me, to be someone to listen to you when you wanted, and to support you no matter the choice you made. It was hard to see you fall for Cordelia, but I saw how happy it made you and deep down that was all I ever really wanted. The truth of it is though that I can't be that person for you. I can't be there when you need me to be a friend, because I know that I can't need you in that same way anymore.
It took me a long time to realize it, and it's been a lot of things that have proven it to me but I never stopped to actually look. You were instinct, you were automatic, Lindsey you were the first love I had and the first of so many things that my mind and body clung to that regardless of it all, regardless of what my heart wanted. I've spent time trying to figure out what I did wrong, where our paths stopped twining together and split apart, but I've realized that it's not something either of us did. It's just what happened while we were watching the rest of our lives unfold. It sounds too contrived to say it that way, almost like I've been listening to Zeke too much, but I think I'm glad that I have been.
I'm always going to have a battle at my feet, trying to become the woman I want to be instead of the person the Partners made. I have spent a lot of my existence living for something that I thought would be mine forever, living for a life with you. It was foolish of me to even keep that thought somewhere in my head, but you had become such a huge part of my life that I wasn't left with much of my own in the end. Even when I thought I lost you, I went to such pains to make you suffer the way I had... only to go through it all over again. Then to find you once more, and learn the truth... I should have braced myself for something, anything but instead I just fell into a pattern. Even now, even in my new house with a new life and a man I love... that pattern still outlines so much of my life.
I fix things, cover them up, sweep them under the rug, and I always defend you. I defend your actions even when they scare me to death, because it's all part of that pattern. I don't fault you for what you did to Ryan, but I can't fault her either for pushing you to that extreme. I know that deep down I would have done the same thing. I would have pushed you to that point, because that is what we're supposed to do, it's how they made us. Instruments of your own demise.
In the end though, I can't live my life filled with the thoughts of what if anymore. I can't push myself to that line of maybe things could be different if only. I can't keep sacrificing it all only to end up holding nothing in the end.
That's what I do Lindsey, I give it all away only to get nothing in return. It was a hard lesson to learn, but recently I did my last favor for you. It scares me that I when I type that out it feels so final, but I know it has to be. I risked a lot to do something for you, to do something that had to be done to protect you... to protect those you love... to protect even those that would hurt you. I did it all in spite of my own judgement because it was something I knew... something I was made to do. In the end I was left with nothing but the thought that I had once more saved you.
The firm is a corrupt monster and I've seen it with my own eyes. I've watched people crumble and fall under the weight of things they've done to a single man. I couldn't let that happen to anyone I cared for. I just also know now... that I have to stop caring. I have to stop letting you into my life to fill my head with questions of what if, and maybe it could be different. I need to stop feeling that knee jerk reaction when you're beside me. I need to love the man I'm with, and stand by his side when the one thing I could do for you... I couldn't do for him.
This is a hard thing for me to do, because it's the last thing I ever wanted to do, hurt you. I promised I'd always be there for you, but I just can't anymore. I can't love one man with my whole heart when my mind and body still defend another. I can't keep giving in, and giving up when so much more is at stake. I've let go too many times, trusted a man as they've walked out the door, never to return and this time I have to trust myself, because I've finally learned... in the end I'm all I will always have.
I wish I could say that maybe soon it will all change, that our lives will reach a point that our paths can cross again, but if I believe it enough to write to you, it's setting myself up for more than I can deal with now. So instead I have to just say goodbye, I never got the chance to before and I am glad I can do this for myself today.
Eve
That first night, waiting for a phone call that never came, put her in the place where Joe must have been when she took off. There was no blame to be laid, she knew he had to deal with this... and on his own terms. When Joe finally called her a few days later she was relieved, but could hear the distance in his voice. Disconnected, pulled taut across his own fear and exhaustion and she knew that he needed space the same that she had. So she gave it to him, leaving him to his own methods until he was ready to come to her.
Now it's coming back around to be that single week of waiting to see him again, and it's forced her to put into thought why she had left in the first place. The thought of running from it all, of just packing it up and heading to restart skirted on the edges of her own reality and she clung to that hope of something better for her.
As Eve headed to the desk in her office at the house she felt Connie rubbing against her legs. The cat that consoled Joe while she was gone, was attempting to do the same for her. Give her something real, something to hold to in all of the solitude. Instead all she had were her thoughts, and they were coming to a rapid succession of truths that she hadn't realized she was ready to hear.
Taking a seat at her desk she pulled up Lindsey's email and finally read it, all the way through. Trying to sort out just what had bothered her more about the whole mess. If it was the action he was required to take... or the fact that she knew what action would be taken against him. She hadn't been honest with herself running for the wrong reasons, putting a distance so great in her life that a single hand outstretched to pull her back home wasn't enough.
Lindsey,
I read your email, and I'm sorry that it took me so long to write you back. I think life has finally thrown me the ultimate curve ball and I'm stuck looking at things from a different point of view. I did hear about the events at the firm involving Ryan and I wasn't even sure how to handle it all. I wanted to just forget it happened, to push that thought from my mind. I didn't want to believe that you were capable of being that man again. I think part of me wanted to trust that you would have found another way. That for all the resources and research you had done that there would have been more options.
Leaning back in her seat she read over what she had written and knew that she was forcing herself to think a certain way. Making a response that was as blank on the page as it was feeling in her mind. Eve knew what she was feeling, how betrayed she felt when she went in to see Ryan only to realize that once more she was going to be left empty handed for all her efforts. Discarding the first email her hands rested on those keys for a while, starting to move to type but pulling back with hesitation. Whatever words she wanted to come... couldn't find their way out of her. It was the one thing she knew she needed to do, and the one thing that she hated having to decide.
Lindsey,
I got your email a while back, but I'll be honest to say that I hadn't fully read it until just now. I think I'm glad that I waited until now to read it that closely because if I had read it while I was in Gotham, or Manhattan it would have made coming back even more difficult.
Since crossing back into your life I've made that effort to be your friend. To be there when you needed me, to be someone to listen to you when you wanted, and to support you no matter the choice you made. It was hard to see you fall for Cordelia, but I saw how happy it made you and deep down that was all I ever really wanted. The truth of it is though that I can't be that person for you. I can't be there when you need me to be a friend, because I know that I can't need you in that same way anymore.
It took me a long time to realize it, and it's been a lot of things that have proven it to me but I never stopped to actually look. You were instinct, you were automatic, Lindsey you were the first love I had and the first of so many things that my mind and body clung to that regardless of it all, regardless of what my heart wanted. I've spent time trying to figure out what I did wrong, where our paths stopped twining together and split apart, but I've realized that it's not something either of us did. It's just what happened while we were watching the rest of our lives unfold. It sounds too contrived to say it that way, almost like I've been listening to Zeke too much, but I think I'm glad that I have been.
I'm always going to have a battle at my feet, trying to become the woman I want to be instead of the person the Partners made. I have spent a lot of my existence living for something that I thought would be mine forever, living for a life with you. It was foolish of me to even keep that thought somewhere in my head, but you had become such a huge part of my life that I wasn't left with much of my own in the end. Even when I thought I lost you, I went to such pains to make you suffer the way I had... only to go through it all over again. Then to find you once more, and learn the truth... I should have braced myself for something, anything but instead I just fell into a pattern. Even now, even in my new house with a new life and a man I love... that pattern still outlines so much of my life.
I fix things, cover them up, sweep them under the rug, and I always defend you. I defend your actions even when they scare me to death, because it's all part of that pattern. I don't fault you for what you did to Ryan, but I can't fault her either for pushing you to that extreme. I know that deep down I would have done the same thing. I would have pushed you to that point, because that is what we're supposed to do, it's how they made us. Instruments of your own demise.
In the end though, I can't live my life filled with the thoughts of what if anymore. I can't push myself to that line of maybe things could be different if only. I can't keep sacrificing it all only to end up holding nothing in the end.
That's what I do Lindsey, I give it all away only to get nothing in return. It was a hard lesson to learn, but recently I did my last favor for you. It scares me that I when I type that out it feels so final, but I know it has to be. I risked a lot to do something for you, to do something that had to be done to protect you... to protect those you love... to protect even those that would hurt you. I did it all in spite of my own judgement because it was something I knew... something I was made to do. In the end I was left with nothing but the thought that I had once more saved you.
The firm is a corrupt monster and I've seen it with my own eyes. I've watched people crumble and fall under the weight of things they've done to a single man. I couldn't let that happen to anyone I cared for. I just also know now... that I have to stop caring. I have to stop letting you into my life to fill my head with questions of what if, and maybe it could be different. I need to stop feeling that knee jerk reaction when you're beside me. I need to love the man I'm with, and stand by his side when the one thing I could do for you... I couldn't do for him.
This is a hard thing for me to do, because it's the last thing I ever wanted to do, hurt you. I promised I'd always be there for you, but I just can't anymore. I can't love one man with my whole heart when my mind and body still defend another. I can't keep giving in, and giving up when so much more is at stake. I've let go too many times, trusted a man as they've walked out the door, never to return and this time I have to trust myself, because I've finally learned... in the end I'm all I will always have.
I wish I could say that maybe soon it will all change, that our lives will reach a point that our paths can cross again, but if I believe it enough to write to you, it's setting myself up for more than I can deal with now. So instead I have to just say goodbye, I never got the chance to before and I am glad I can do this for myself today.
Eve