Teh Awesome
It's hard being awesome. I don't mean to say that in a pretentious, snobby way as in, "I know that I am awesome, it's tough being me." But more in the way of: I forget that I am awesome and forget to BE awesome.
How many of us berate ourselves for our shortcomings on a daily basis? I used to look in the mirror and pinpoint (to myself) all the flaws I saw. When I screw up, even if it is something small and completely fixed, I still think about it months afterwards. I repeat those mistakes in my mind constantly, and it's easy to get caught in the trap of self-degredation. I forget that I am awesome.
So, when I saw it's hard being awesome, it is more that I start to believe that I am not awesome ...
Yes, I will stop using the word "awesome" now.
I was hit by a very big metaphorical truck a couple weeks ago. The core of the issue was the fact that I am always trying to please my friends, always trying to give them something in order to keep them as friends. I've done this since I was a child. I saw friendship as "What can I give this person so they will like me?" Growing up as a military brat and moving every four years, I had to "learn" how to make friends fast, and the fastest way of doing so is exchanging something of value.
I remember trying to bribe the neighborhood kids with bubblegum when I was in first grade. As if bubblegum was treasure ...
It never really occurred to me that my true friends don't NEED anything from me, other than just being a good friend in return. When I got hit by that truck, I finally got it. My friends are my friends because of me (and my awesomeness*). It was the wake-up call I needed.
After this experience, I just started to affirm how good of a person I actually am. It's easy to complain, and it's easy to hate myself. What's really hard, the actual challenge worth pursuing, is being nice to myself and to be confident about my abilities.
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I used to hate pictures of myself. I missed chronicling a good chunk of my time in high school because I could not stand looking at me. I was fine with being always behind the camera.
But now, I'm beginning to see that it's all just my perception. The way I look to myself is totally dependent on how I am feeling about myself. When I feel ugly, I will not like what I see in pictures, or even in the mirror.
If I feel great, well ... then it gives me enough bravery to include two photos of myself in one blog posts.
This is me, and I'm awesome**.
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*I had to.
** I really had to then, too.
Originally published at tabin.net.
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