(no subject)
And you were more than just a pretty face. How you fooled me, I'm still amazed, babe. But I should have known that I would be another victim of your sexuality. Now we're done, and over with. You're no good for me, I know. Forgive my honesty, but you've gotta go. I, I don't want you back.
So Ryan Murphy was kind enough to put all of these break up / i'm over you songs on my mp3 player, and I just discovered a Backstreet Boys song that I have not listened to since I had it on a freaking cassette. LOL. And sadly, it has so much more meaning today than it did in the sixth grade. *srunches nose*.
I just counted... this is my eleventh day of being James-free. (: I swear I feel like I am in a 12 step program. I completed the first step. I admitted to myself that I indeed do have a problem. :P Now it is just where to go from there. Aries was kind enough to send me the 12steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, hahaha, and it has been strangley useful....
Sure, there are days where I feel like relapsing and calling or writing him, or even just calling a mutual friend to see how he has been doing. But I haven't. No sir. I have not even myspace stalked him. And you know what?! It feels great. I feel... invigorated. Why did I not do this sooner?! I think it was because I thought I couldn't survive without him, dramatic as it may sound. Not even that... I knew I could, but I simply didn't want to. Now, I know. I know I can. And it isn't even a struggle. It is not anywhere near as hard as I expected it to be.
Feeling in love with him just felt so great. No one really ever made me that happy before him.... but no one really made me that sad either. I can definitley do without the being sad part. It just isn't worth it. I need to remember that there is life without James Sparks. I remember one time I told an old best friend: "You shouldn't stay with her if you have to fight for her that hard." And now I am eating my own words, and living up to my own advice with pride. I feel like a brand new woman.
Fuck a pet supply, man. I am better off with a better brand, or perhaps just no brand at all. I still love him, and I still miss him and think about him oh, only every day. But I am tired of watching him fall for all of my friends while I strive for his attention. He made me feel totally inadequate. Inadequate to the core, for those of you who remember that phase. I am so fucking better than that. So I am just going to cherish all of the good memories and leave the bad sitting idle on the shelf. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial. That is about what it amounts to. I am sure one day, we will cross paths again. It is practically inevitable. But gave up hope on us ever colliding like we used to. At least, I don't count on it anymore.
-Oh man.- "I Will Survive" just came on the MP3 player. I am cracking up over here. You have no idea.
Anyway.. some bad shit went down today between me and Krystal, but I don't really want to talk about it right now. Not until I have things more figured out. I am really hurt, and really pissed off, and do not want this entry to come across as Krystal-bashing, because that is how it would look. So I will just leave it at the pet supply talk, and when I have things more straight in my head, I will write about what is going on with my living arrangements.
Oh yeah... and I got my phone back. ((Thanks, Wendy!!))