Why I Try
Last night I thought and thought about something I had no effect on. I hate this. I have so many other important things to worry about in my life right now, but I have a grasp on all of them. I guess I am focusing so much on this because I can't control it...I can't physically make it do one thing or the other. IT SUCKS! but it's inevitable. Things like this happen.
Maybe thats why I became and EMT, maybe thats why I look forward to a future in forensic science...because I can help people, because I can change bad things into good ones. Right now I can't do a damn thing but sit here and hope, hope for my best. For her best.
Last night was a night that made you want to jump in your car and drive because the wind stings your face. It reminded me of late November when the fair is in DeLand and you stay up all night thinking about that one girl who did you wrong all those years in a row, and how you loved going back because you knew it was right for you. Now I look back and realize the memories I have with her just make me sick. Make me want to start over and forget about long walks in the dark and all that other bullshit she fed me while going behind me.
So in a scence last night was both a reminder or something good, with a direct following connection of something terrible, tied into a new something...a something that makes me wish I could help. A friend who hurts and cries and I have to sit here and do nothing. Normally I would be accessing the problem, but those problems are physical, medical, traumatic...though love is from the heart, I can't attach a monitor to this girls'. I can't hook her up to a '12-lead' and see how her rhythm is. I can't give her a drug to make it better. It's deeper than that. She's deeper than that.
I just woke up with this on my mind, to write it out makes it real, makes it true. Today I have to work in the hospital, atleast there I can help everyone I see, but the end result just isn't the same as it would be if I could help this one person. This one blue-blurred face.
Tell me what to do, and I'll try until It works.
Tell me when it works, and everything will be right.
Maybe thats why I became and EMT, maybe thats why I look forward to a future in forensic science...because I can help people, because I can change bad things into good ones. Right now I can't do a damn thing but sit here and hope, hope for my best. For her best.
Last night was a night that made you want to jump in your car and drive because the wind stings your face. It reminded me of late November when the fair is in DeLand and you stay up all night thinking about that one girl who did you wrong all those years in a row, and how you loved going back because you knew it was right for you. Now I look back and realize the memories I have with her just make me sick. Make me want to start over and forget about long walks in the dark and all that other bullshit she fed me while going behind me.
So in a scence last night was both a reminder or something good, with a direct following connection of something terrible, tied into a new something...a something that makes me wish I could help. A friend who hurts and cries and I have to sit here and do nothing. Normally I would be accessing the problem, but those problems are physical, medical, traumatic...though love is from the heart, I can't attach a monitor to this girls'. I can't hook her up to a '12-lead' and see how her rhythm is. I can't give her a drug to make it better. It's deeper than that. She's deeper than that.
I just woke up with this on my mind, to write it out makes it real, makes it true. Today I have to work in the hospital, atleast there I can help everyone I see, but the end result just isn't the same as it would be if I could help this one person. This one blue-blurred face.
Tell me what to do, and I'll try until It works.
Tell me when it works, and everything will be right.