its times like these i question the point to my life...
shitty moods are no fun. i over react a lot and its one thing about myself that i really cant stand, but at the same time i cant help it. i just get so worked up about things and it sucks. im so pessimistic sometimes and it just sucks! all i ever do is complain and worry. i worry about literally everything. i try not too, i try really hard to forget about everything and its hard sometimes you know? but with people sometimes i get paranoid. i can be really paranoid about myself.. i care about what people do and say and sometimes i just think that everyone hates me. i know that not everyone does but i just get myself so worried sometimes that it seems logical. i dont even know why im blabbing on about this. im just letting it all out cause right now i have no one better to talk to. one of the things that i can love and hate at the same time is being alone. theres times when i would rather be alone, alone in my dark room.. my "bat cave". sometimes though when im in here i get really sad and i dont want to be alone but theres nothing i can do about that cause its not like i can just leave my house and drive away. my friends dont live close by.. luckily for them they can walk to each others houses. i mean i walk to some of there houses but you never see them coming over here and waisting 45 minutes of there life walking down the lonliest road in newburyport. ok now im bitching. dont bother reading anymore cause its just a waste of time.. just like my fucking life. what do i do.. i mean really? what good am i? how do i affect you? how do i affect anyone.. im not gonna make a diffrence when im older. have you ever thought about what you wanna do? i mean really, say you wanna do someting ok, for example be an actor or writer. you have to have those certain skills right, other wise your not gonna get anywhere in life. so if you wanna be something you know you really cant, then why bother. really though, why should you care about this if you cant do anything good in life. theres no point, its a waiste, and your probably just gonna be more miserable anyways. so fuck it. im feeling really shitty right now and im sorry that im bitching about everything but i just cant stop thinking about how seriously everything does suck. heres a list..
family.. there always yelling at me cause im either doing something wrong like walking home after track cause i cant get an effin ride.. i get yelled for it when its not even my fault?! and there always fighting with each other.. they dont know when to just leave me alone! and if they are leaving me alone they dont know when i need someone!
other family.. there all drifting from me. i barely ever see them anymore and its probably whats hurting me the most right now. both of them.. i love them so much and they mean the absolute world to me but sometimes they dont understand me.. no one really does i guess.
more family.. do they seriously try to do everything possible to hurt me. why does everything i love have to get taken away? every place i love.. she just leaves it in the past and doesnt care about my feelings towards it. i wonder how hurt they would all be if i just left?
friends.. i hate when they make plans without me. not to sound like a bitch but you have no idea how many times in my life this happens and after a while you start feeling like theres something wrong with you or some reason why they feel the need to disclude you from things. obviously i love my friends very much too but they can hurt me just as much as my family can.
school.. what a bitch. i hate getting up every morning and thinking about going. once im there im ok though. sometimes. i get happier taking laps in the morning but first class is always a killer. especially A days. i hate when one class can ruin the rest of your day. its horrible, especially when it happends every other day. sometimes i seem happy.. other times you can just tell im in a horrible mood. deal with it. i do.
track.. i hate how it takes up my life. i know i have to do it. im committed to it because i signed up for it and im not gonna quit. its almost over anyways. after practice or meets are always a relief and i always feel accomplished. i heard running is good for you anyways, not only will i be in shape but it can put you in a better mood.
change.. the thing in life i fear most, yeah most.. even more than driving vehicles and spiders. it is the one thing i will never get over, i will always suffer from, it will never go away, and it will affect me the most. it scares me the most and it happens everyday. i dont know how much longer i can take all this change..
life.. its hard.. its easy.. it varies. life is one subject that is hard to describe. it all depends on the day, the mood, the month? i dont know. sometimes it really does seem that bad. i guess theres nothing you can do about it though right? dont get freaked out by this, but have you ever thought about what it would be like.. how people would react to you just.. well basically if you died or something? how long would people be sad about it before they forgot about you? who would be affected? i wonder if people you dont even talk to would cry? heres another weird thought. what if you never meet those people your friends with now. weird to be thinking about what i would be doing now, especially since i only hang out with a very few amount of people and if i wasnt friends with them i know id probably be alone in my room every night because now i cant even hang out with my cousin. i must say that after crying and typing until your fingers are about to fall off, you feel a lot better...
family.. there always yelling at me cause im either doing something wrong like walking home after track cause i cant get an effin ride.. i get yelled for it when its not even my fault?! and there always fighting with each other.. they dont know when to just leave me alone! and if they are leaving me alone they dont know when i need someone!
other family.. there all drifting from me. i barely ever see them anymore and its probably whats hurting me the most right now. both of them.. i love them so much and they mean the absolute world to me but sometimes they dont understand me.. no one really does i guess.
more family.. do they seriously try to do everything possible to hurt me. why does everything i love have to get taken away? every place i love.. she just leaves it in the past and doesnt care about my feelings towards it. i wonder how hurt they would all be if i just left?
friends.. i hate when they make plans without me. not to sound like a bitch but you have no idea how many times in my life this happens and after a while you start feeling like theres something wrong with you or some reason why they feel the need to disclude you from things. obviously i love my friends very much too but they can hurt me just as much as my family can.
school.. what a bitch. i hate getting up every morning and thinking about going. once im there im ok though. sometimes. i get happier taking laps in the morning but first class is always a killer. especially A days. i hate when one class can ruin the rest of your day. its horrible, especially when it happends every other day. sometimes i seem happy.. other times you can just tell im in a horrible mood. deal with it. i do.
track.. i hate how it takes up my life. i know i have to do it. im committed to it because i signed up for it and im not gonna quit. its almost over anyways. after practice or meets are always a relief and i always feel accomplished. i heard running is good for you anyways, not only will i be in shape but it can put you in a better mood.
change.. the thing in life i fear most, yeah most.. even more than driving vehicles and spiders. it is the one thing i will never get over, i will always suffer from, it will never go away, and it will affect me the most. it scares me the most and it happens everyday. i dont know how much longer i can take all this change..
life.. its hard.. its easy.. it varies. life is one subject that is hard to describe. it all depends on the day, the mood, the month? i dont know. sometimes it really does seem that bad. i guess theres nothing you can do about it though right? dont get freaked out by this, but have you ever thought about what it would be like.. how people would react to you just.. well basically if you died or something? how long would people be sad about it before they forgot about you? who would be affected? i wonder if people you dont even talk to would cry? heres another weird thought. what if you never meet those people your friends with now. weird to be thinking about what i would be doing now, especially since i only hang out with a very few amount of people and if i wasnt friends with them i know id probably be alone in my room every night because now i cant even hang out with my cousin. i must say that after crying and typing until your fingers are about to fall off, you feel a lot better...