Trying to try.
Being comfortable alone with myself is something I have always strove for. I want to enjoy my own company and I don't want to HAVE to rely on other people to make me happy. I want to be one of those people who don't NEED others. I guess ever since Karl tragically dumped me for being "too needy" (That was 9 years ago, Nicole, get over it already) I have seen NEED as a totally bad thing. However, being perfectly honest, I hate being alone. I don't want to admit that because it makes me feel insecure and empty. I want to have such a rich inner life that I am perfectly content spending time by myself. Instead I find myself sinking into boring brain dead TV just to pass time. I am dieting (naturally) so I don't have food to turn to, and I find when I try to occupy myself with something else I feel angry at whatever that is. I pick up a book and frown at its pages, I play with a pet and give up after a minute or two. Its not enough. I want people. I self-loathingly NEED that external validation and it makes me sick to know that about myself.