HATE
MYSELF. I need help here. times like this i know you're the one in control in this, and it kills me. i want to cut myself. so fucking bad.
I'm not drunk enough to be under that kind of influence. i reach out to you, and i get figuratively slapped in the face in return. i offered every option i could think of. instead you waited to say and do something cruel before storming off to bed, when i was trying my best not to get angry over something dumb. what the fuck is wrong with me...i eventually lash out anyway. you make me feel like I'm at home again whenever this happens...why do you have to push me like that? when I'm trying to restrain myself emotionally in such a situation, you COMPLETELY make me feel in the wrong when i know i really wasn't...and you then succeed in making me doubt myself. Congratulations, you really are in control. I offered everything i could think of to excuse your and my drunk selves, i really did. I tried to return the situation to what it was shaping up to be a few hours ago. Or I'm just some kind of bipolar, because this feeling of extreme guilt and pain in my gut and chest is not, or should not be corresponding to the situation. I want to cut myself SO bad. so stupid, and that's why i won't and can't follow through, because i love you too much. you are my everything, my best friend and lover and confidant among everything else, and maybe that's why i feel so fucking trapped with myself, in my own head right now. i have nothing when i don't have you, even temporarily. it's seriously killing me right now. i hate myself for acting on an extreme emotion instead of bottling it up for longer. because it's ended me up like this. Feeling so fucking hurt and alone over NOTHING. Why would you do this to me, or why would i do it to myself?? I'm not ashamed of admitting i have a problem, if that's the case. maybe i have an emotional disorder, because i keep feeling this way over similar situations. i just want it to stop. i don't feel drunk to the point where it should have affected the situation like that...i barely feel buzzed. And i don't WANT to talk to anyone else but you. i already feel so guilty i want to hurt myself. I'm sorry i said that about smashing my forehead into a wall, but it's absolutely how i felt, and if you don't know how that kind of stuff affects me, then you really need to know because it's severe. you really mean everything to me, and when anything happens between us, it affects my mood correspondingly, for better or worse. i CAN'T help it, but i thought it was a positive part of the strength of our bond. but it always seems to get turned against me in this way until i come crawling back, because only you can fix it and i can't. yet it never seems to happen with you this way. i am so confused and so HURT. Why do i always hit such dead ends and get lost in my own tormented inner world? i feel like I'm being seriously punished. i can choose between only the sorriest choices, with my tail between my legs either way. And if my perception is so off, then i have a serious mental problem. Again, i hate myself either way, and i will go to bed alone wanting to cut myself so bad because you are my whole world, voluntarily removed from me. i have no one and nothing else to help calm these severe emotions except YOU, as i wanted it. so why can't you come into bed and hold ME for once after a fuck up?? i can only hope you will, because nothing else could change this nonsensical shit, since i feel so out of control. i don't think i could hate myself more, yet i don't think i should have to feel in the wrong over NOTHING. Paradoxical, but i cannot do a thing about it...i HATE MYSELF WITHOUT YOU, NO MATTER WHAT THE CAUSE. This is why you do have more control than i do. Something is wrong with me, not you. Either my reactions or perceptions got me here, when in both i tried to stay reasonable longest. I have to write it out to myself and/or you before i explode. Yet i feel so hurt and guilty that i hope i cry it out instead of wanting to cut all night when i can't and won't. i want you to want to forgive me or us for whatever happened wrong, yet the very thought of that implies that I'm not good enough for you and makes me want to die cause i am not at all perfection, and so i wouldn't deserve you. but i NEED to be your perfection, or i really will die. i NEED YOU, I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. PLEASE GET ME OUT OF MY HEAD, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN. FUCK THIS!!! :'-C
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