so yeah. . . .

[just_plain_beth]

Last nite Tony stopped by. And after he was gone, i cried. it was like a faucet that i couldn't turn off. i couldn't think of why i was crying, but all the tears and frustrations that i've been bottling up just came out in a flodd of tears. Before i fell asleep, i was still crying, and it hit me. All of the millions of reasons i was crying hit me like a sack of bricks to the chest. i couldn't breathe right, but with each revelation as to why i was crying, each sob just got louder until i was practically wailing.

I cried because i'm lonely. I cried for lost love. I cried for lost opportunities. I cried for the lack of security. I cried for my future. I cried from the stress. I cried because i'm a whore. I cried because i'm stupid. I cried because i'm tainted. I cried because i'm not a little girl anymore. I cried because i stubbed my toe yesterday. I cried because i miss sarah. I cried because i hate myself. I cried because people keep ditching me. I cried because no one ever calls. I cried because i wanted to die. I cried for the loss of tony's love. I cried for the loss of what could have been with lee if i'd tried harder and told him how i felt. I cried because i allow myself to be pushed around. I cried for all these reasons and a million more. . .

And when i woke up, there were still tears in my eyes. but i felt amazingly refreshed. I'm still sad. I don't think the tears were all done. . . but you know. . . i think i needed to cry for all of those things.