Entry #5: July 29, 2009
The way that I had my heart broken by the last guy I fell for (yes, Tina, I'm talking about him) was pretty crummy - he had told me that he was getting married in the summertime, in the months ahead, and all through an e-mail - not even in person. This was about two years ago, and for the most part, I got over him. You'd think my luck would improve, right?
Think again.
There was a cute guy in one of my summer classes...and I thought he might have liked me. There was just something in the way he looked at me, and I...agh! He was just really good-looking! I've had him in another class before, so we already knew each other. In this class, we actually managed to talk.
Now it's finals time, and I just called him up to ask if he wanted to meet up tomorrow morning for a quick cram session before the final. I had to leave him a voicemail because he didn't pick his phone up, and I didn't want to send him a text message (as I would normally do) because I wanted to actually talk to him this time.
Sigh...
He didn't call back - he sent me back a text. I missed his text by about half an hour because I was in the shower. He'd been telling me in class that he's been going through a lot of crap that's been stressing him out, and he repeated that in the text. You know what? I'm going to type up that text right here. It said this:
"Sorry. I am [dropping] the class. I have a lot going on. I am moving, working, & most recently & importantly, I am getting married! I can't keep everything [straight]."
Why does this happen to me? Why does it never work out for me? I thought that the whole "I'm going to keep quiet about the fact that I'm engaged until the very last minute because I like the attention I get from you" would only happen once in a lifetime, but...this just sucks. My heart's not broken this time; I didn't fall for this guy much - I just thought that he was really cute and that by the way we interacted, that perhaps something might happen, but...it still hurts. After all, the previous wound hasn't completely healed yet.
I've told myself over and over again that there's something wrong with me, not the guys. Perhaps there's something wrong with the way that I act or the way that I am, maybe even the way that I look that keeps guys repelled from me. But I've tried being cool, I've tried being laid-back, I've tried being open and happy with myself - and yes, I've tried being myself, but to no avail. It's just gotten worse. I wouldn't say I'm the most beautiful thing in the world, but I know that I'm not ugly. I don't dress like a slut or put forth a sort of character that says I'm easy. I've had many friends tell me that my attitude is very inviting and that I'm what they call a "social butterfly". I may be somewhat stubborn when it comes to changing my mind or trying to prove what I believe is wrong, but that all stems from my own self-respect. What I don't understand is, if ugly hilbillies, drug addicts, homeless people, those with the ugliest personalities, or just about any other person on this earth that isn't me can find sometone to love, then just what the hell is wrong with me?
Think again.
There was a cute guy in one of my summer classes...and I thought he might have liked me. There was just something in the way he looked at me, and I...agh! He was just really good-looking! I've had him in another class before, so we already knew each other. In this class, we actually managed to talk.
Now it's finals time, and I just called him up to ask if he wanted to meet up tomorrow morning for a quick cram session before the final. I had to leave him a voicemail because he didn't pick his phone up, and I didn't want to send him a text message (as I would normally do) because I wanted to actually talk to him this time.
Sigh...
He didn't call back - he sent me back a text. I missed his text by about half an hour because I was in the shower. He'd been telling me in class that he's been going through a lot of crap that's been stressing him out, and he repeated that in the text. You know what? I'm going to type up that text right here. It said this:
"Sorry. I am [dropping] the class. I have a lot going on. I am moving, working, & most recently & importantly, I am getting married! I can't keep everything [straight]."
Why does this happen to me? Why does it never work out for me? I thought that the whole "I'm going to keep quiet about the fact that I'm engaged until the very last minute because I like the attention I get from you" would only happen once in a lifetime, but...this just sucks. My heart's not broken this time; I didn't fall for this guy much - I just thought that he was really cute and that by the way we interacted, that perhaps something might happen, but...it still hurts. After all, the previous wound hasn't completely healed yet.
I've told myself over and over again that there's something wrong with me, not the guys. Perhaps there's something wrong with the way that I act or the way that I am, maybe even the way that I look that keeps guys repelled from me. But I've tried being cool, I've tried being laid-back, I've tried being open and happy with myself - and yes, I've tried being myself, but to no avail. It's just gotten worse. I wouldn't say I'm the most beautiful thing in the world, but I know that I'm not ugly. I don't dress like a slut or put forth a sort of character that says I'm easy. I've had many friends tell me that my attitude is very inviting and that I'm what they call a "social butterfly". I may be somewhat stubborn when it comes to changing my mind or trying to prove what I believe is wrong, but that all stems from my own self-respect. What I don't understand is, if ugly hilbillies, drug addicts, homeless people, those with the ugliest personalities, or just about any other person on this earth that isn't me can find sometone to love, then just what the hell is wrong with me?