(no subject)
so i think it's pretty safe to say, i'm sick. again.
came home from work early and everything.
you know, i remember a time when i NEVER got sick.
then all of a sudden last summer life decided to say "hey, see that girl down there? the one who's finally happy and has all this great shit going for her? yeah, that Savy girl? just for fun, let's throw shit at her". and thus the never ending cycle of illness began. i think in the past year, i've gone a total of 4 months without being sick. it gets old. really quick. granted at least this time i know it's not going to end with hospital stays or surgery. but fuck. seriously. can't a girl just get healthy and stay healthy? i really (and literally) cannot afford to continuously be sick like this. i know i've said this a thousand times, but for real, i'm buying a shitload of vitamins this weekend when i get paid. i'll take them every day. religiously. and they better damn well work. i'm tired of this being sick business.
even though working sucks, it's been getting more fun. i'm becoming better aquainted with everyone and i think it's safe to say i'm making new friends. thank god. not that i don't have friends already. because i have a few of you (whom by the way i love) and a bunch of friends out of state (some of which i really don't know what i'd do without). but i don't know. i've been feeling like i need a change lately. i want to surround myself with new people and pry myself out of the shell i feel like i've been hiding in for the past 7 months. though in my defense, i think my becoming a hermit was legit. those of you who know the situation (because i'm not going to re-hatch it. i've been doing much better off lately keeping it out of sight and out of mind) should back me up on that one.
i need to work on a few things, though. things about myself i'm not quite sure of or happy with. although it's a bit difficult not really knowing what those things i should change are. some of them...i don't know...might not really be all that bad depending on how you look at it? see what i mean? ugh. that's too frustrating to think about when i'm this exhausted. i'm scared of the upcoming week. i have a doctors appointment to get put back on medication. i'm wondering if i'm doing the right thing here. i just keep remembering what happened the last time i tried medication for this shit. and i swear to god if i go through that again... no. i give it a month this time. if i don't see a difference, i'll stop taking it. no more therapy. no more doctors. no more medication. this is the last chance i'm giving any of it. then i'll never speak of it again. doing this is so much harder when there's no one here.
and i wish NY was closer.
i want to take all the maps and rip them up.
i'm sick of distance being in the way of me being happy.
and i'm not just referring to the human connection anymore.
i'd be happier and a lot better off if i could escape this place for a while.
i think these days and nights need to become a lot less longer a hell of a lot faster.
but then again, what do i know?
came home from work early and everything.
you know, i remember a time when i NEVER got sick.
then all of a sudden last summer life decided to say "hey, see that girl down there? the one who's finally happy and has all this great shit going for her? yeah, that Savy girl? just for fun, let's throw shit at her". and thus the never ending cycle of illness began. i think in the past year, i've gone a total of 4 months without being sick. it gets old. really quick. granted at least this time i know it's not going to end with hospital stays or surgery. but fuck. seriously. can't a girl just get healthy and stay healthy? i really (and literally) cannot afford to continuously be sick like this. i know i've said this a thousand times, but for real, i'm buying a shitload of vitamins this weekend when i get paid. i'll take them every day. religiously. and they better damn well work. i'm tired of this being sick business.
even though working sucks, it's been getting more fun. i'm becoming better aquainted with everyone and i think it's safe to say i'm making new friends. thank god. not that i don't have friends already. because i have a few of you (whom by the way i love) and a bunch of friends out of state (some of which i really don't know what i'd do without). but i don't know. i've been feeling like i need a change lately. i want to surround myself with new people and pry myself out of the shell i feel like i've been hiding in for the past 7 months. though in my defense, i think my becoming a hermit was legit. those of you who know the situation (because i'm not going to re-hatch it. i've been doing much better off lately keeping it out of sight and out of mind) should back me up on that one.
i need to work on a few things, though. things about myself i'm not quite sure of or happy with. although it's a bit difficult not really knowing what those things i should change are. some of them...i don't know...might not really be all that bad depending on how you look at it? see what i mean? ugh. that's too frustrating to think about when i'm this exhausted. i'm scared of the upcoming week. i have a doctors appointment to get put back on medication. i'm wondering if i'm doing the right thing here. i just keep remembering what happened the last time i tried medication for this shit. and i swear to god if i go through that again... no. i give it a month this time. if i don't see a difference, i'll stop taking it. no more therapy. no more doctors. no more medication. this is the last chance i'm giving any of it. then i'll never speak of it again. doing this is so much harder when there's no one here.
and i wish NY was closer.
i want to take all the maps and rip them up.
i'm sick of distance being in the way of me being happy.
and i'm not just referring to the human connection anymore.
i'd be happier and a lot better off if i could escape this place for a while.
i think these days and nights need to become a lot less longer a hell of a lot faster.
but then again, what do i know?