when did I become "that stalker chick?"
Why is it that I feel compelled to check his myspace everyday? See what he's up to, figure out the connections in his life, figure out his status. Who the hell cares anyway? He doesn't care about me, any more obvious on that one and he'd have to hit me over the head with a tire iron. So what's with this obsession? Is it just something to do, some mystery to figure out, pure simple boredom?
I have a life. I do. So why does it feel so insignificant? Like I am living in dream time. I am going through the motions right now but mostly I feel lost and confused. Ask me what I care about and I could tell you in a second, family-- that is, having one. In no other area do I feel so inadequate as this. I feel abnormal and outside of my peer group, 33 with no love interest to speak of and no hope for kids on the horizon.
These are the things I want so why am I distracted by thoughts of 20 year olds? I think this, in part, accounts for my urge to leave my job. It feels like I am surrounded by people from the wrong generation. How can I ever hope to meet anyone who isn't just interested in the next "hot tamale" when I work with 20 year olds whose internal lives are so different from mine? It's their trajectory, they have time..... time to experiment, dabble with addiction, play at bars, experiment with loves and careers. I feel every second I waste at some new meaningless "gathering" or in some "dead end job" is a second that I should be utilizing in the pursuit of a life-- a real life. Whatever the hell that is! And no, not all of them feel that way- probably not the ones that are reading this, anyway.
So back to the stalking. I am such a damn jealous person. I know that all my friends know this. I am even jealous with them, wondering about the time they spend apart from me, feeling un-included and "dissed." How did I become this person? I want to erase his profile from my links. I want to stop looking and stop thinking about it. Let go so I can get to what I want. But it's that fear that I'd rather have something, even if it is an illusion than nothing. I'd rather be distracted by unrealistic fantasy than confront my hopelessness. I think that's why I cling to it. Because the alternative is silence; a silence which makes me think too much.
I have a life. I do. So why does it feel so insignificant? Like I am living in dream time. I am going through the motions right now but mostly I feel lost and confused. Ask me what I care about and I could tell you in a second, family-- that is, having one. In no other area do I feel so inadequate as this. I feel abnormal and outside of my peer group, 33 with no love interest to speak of and no hope for kids on the horizon.
These are the things I want so why am I distracted by thoughts of 20 year olds? I think this, in part, accounts for my urge to leave my job. It feels like I am surrounded by people from the wrong generation. How can I ever hope to meet anyone who isn't just interested in the next "hot tamale" when I work with 20 year olds whose internal lives are so different from mine? It's their trajectory, they have time..... time to experiment, dabble with addiction, play at bars, experiment with loves and careers. I feel every second I waste at some new meaningless "gathering" or in some "dead end job" is a second that I should be utilizing in the pursuit of a life-- a real life. Whatever the hell that is! And no, not all of them feel that way- probably not the ones that are reading this, anyway.
So back to the stalking. I am such a damn jealous person. I know that all my friends know this. I am even jealous with them, wondering about the time they spend apart from me, feeling un-included and "dissed." How did I become this person? I want to erase his profile from my links. I want to stop looking and stop thinking about it. Let go so I can get to what I want. But it's that fear that I'd rather have something, even if it is an illusion than nothing. I'd rather be distracted by unrealistic fantasy than confront my hopelessness. I think that's why I cling to it. Because the alternative is silence; a silence which makes me think too much.