"i just have a lot of feelings"
it is about to pour. emotionally. right now. bring on the rain.
ok, so first off, i am feeling 100% better about life. if that was depression that i was dealing with, it is gone now and i hope to never see it again. and i no longer feel physically/emotionally ill either. My headaches went away...with some help from my glasses or an attitude change...i don't know which one; maybe both. i hated myself for a while there, though. it is so hard to physically see how bitter, sad, and depressing you've become and yet not be able to change it. whats worse was that i couldn't even diagnose it. there was no reason for my mood change, i was just sad. and i have been for months.
what changed? to be honest, i don't know. i do know that lately I've had a lot of questions and doubts for God. They've been eating me up inside. I just kept praying and praying for renewed faith...and then i would laugh because even my prayers felt out of order: are you even allowed to pray for faith or is it something you need in order to pray in the first place? hmm. well, i decided to stop dwelling on all of the details and start over with a firm base. i took away everything i know about religion and only took back what i am sure of: Something out there made us and i choose to call this something God. There was a man who walked, ate, and lived among us called Jesus Christ. He claimed to be the son of God and radically changed our views of His Father. He died for our sins and i know this because 3 days later, He rose again. although i am completely undeserving, God loves me more than i will ever be able to fathom. This is all i know. The rest just doesn't matter; at least not like this.
Ever since this revelation, i have began to come around and God has just opened doors and windows in every direction of my life. Some have been rejuvenating and others have been pretty big blows to my ego.
For example, i have always been a stubborn and prideful person except i have always masked these sins with sugar words like confident and independent. God chose to show me otherwise through Kayla who pointed out that i have an incredibly rebellious heart. It is so true. It is true to the point of pain. Yet ever since i have become aware of this sin, i have seen God transforming me into a more humbling, loving and accepting person.
I have also carried these confident and independent traits over to the idea of romantic relationships as well. My shell seems to be so professionally hardened by years of lying to myself in this way that now the only person who has a chance with me is a ninja who can karate chop his way though it. but through romantic relationships of friends, women's group discussion, and some helpful references from the Bible (Proverbs 31), i have been learning what it means to be submissive and how that might apply to my life. I feel God preparing my heart in huge ways.
Speaking of God preparing my heart (and my future), i have an internship meeting tomorrow with Campagna Academy in Shererville. Surprisingly, i am not the least bit worried. I feel God pushing and poking and prodding. If this place is right for me, He will make it happen. He is, after all, a very sovereign God.
ok, so first off, i am feeling 100% better about life. if that was depression that i was dealing with, it is gone now and i hope to never see it again. and i no longer feel physically/emotionally ill either. My headaches went away...with some help from my glasses or an attitude change...i don't know which one; maybe both. i hated myself for a while there, though. it is so hard to physically see how bitter, sad, and depressing you've become and yet not be able to change it. whats worse was that i couldn't even diagnose it. there was no reason for my mood change, i was just sad. and i have been for months.
what changed? to be honest, i don't know. i do know that lately I've had a lot of questions and doubts for God. They've been eating me up inside. I just kept praying and praying for renewed faith...and then i would laugh because even my prayers felt out of order: are you even allowed to pray for faith or is it something you need in order to pray in the first place? hmm. well, i decided to stop dwelling on all of the details and start over with a firm base. i took away everything i know about religion and only took back what i am sure of: Something out there made us and i choose to call this something God. There was a man who walked, ate, and lived among us called Jesus Christ. He claimed to be the son of God and radically changed our views of His Father. He died for our sins and i know this because 3 days later, He rose again. although i am completely undeserving, God loves me more than i will ever be able to fathom. This is all i know. The rest just doesn't matter; at least not like this.
Ever since this revelation, i have began to come around and God has just opened doors and windows in every direction of my life. Some have been rejuvenating and others have been pretty big blows to my ego.
For example, i have always been a stubborn and prideful person except i have always masked these sins with sugar words like confident and independent. God chose to show me otherwise through Kayla who pointed out that i have an incredibly rebellious heart. It is so true. It is true to the point of pain. Yet ever since i have become aware of this sin, i have seen God transforming me into a more humbling, loving and accepting person.
I have also carried these confident and independent traits over to the idea of romantic relationships as well. My shell seems to be so professionally hardened by years of lying to myself in this way that now the only person who has a chance with me is a ninja who can karate chop his way though it. but through romantic relationships of friends, women's group discussion, and some helpful references from the Bible (Proverbs 31), i have been learning what it means to be submissive and how that might apply to my life. I feel God preparing my heart in huge ways.
Speaking of God preparing my heart (and my future), i have an internship meeting tomorrow with Campagna Academy in Shererville. Surprisingly, i am not the least bit worried. I feel God pushing and poking and prodding. If this place is right for me, He will make it happen. He is, after all, a very sovereign God.