(no subject)
picture perfect. EXACTLY what i wanted and what i needed. happy. elaited. excited. head over heals. apparently, i was wayyyy over my head. one minute things are perfect. the next, we need to talk. its on its off, we're hitting it off, but no. not good enough. you hold me when you're sleeping, and pull me in closer. you wake up next to me and smile. i was tricked into beleiving something that wasn't true. something that for all i know, wasn't even there to begin with. or maybe it was all in my head. you JUST told me i'm one of the only people who can really truely make you smile. then why the fuck are you pushing that away? why are you letting another good thing pass you by? ive been there before and i have regrets. maybe you won't. maybe you'll be lucky. it's clear that im not the lucky one. it felt so right. too good to be true. its either never good enough, or too good to be true. i care and i listen and it takes me every ounce of energy i have to hold back my tears. whether its happiness or saddness. i love you, and at the same time i just want to punch you in the face and scream at you and wake you the fuck up. you're so fucking blind. insted of thinking with your head all the time use your fucking heart! open your god damn eyes and take a look around! look at what i've done for this. i let go of someone i love so deeply, for someone i knew i could love very deeply. and i do. and you don't seem to care. you say you care, and you're always there for me, but you're so fucking selfish with your heart. i don't know if i need to be you're wake up call. i dont know what to say to you. all i can do is nod my fucking head, and tell you if it's what you want, do it. i say its okay. well its not okay. i am not okay. and neither are you. you were my wake up call, do i need to be yours? everything happens for a reason. what was this to you? what was the reason, in your eyes? i would love to know. as bad as i dont want to feel this way, i feel used. i feel fucking stupid yet again. i feel like maybe i wasted my time. but i hope i didn't waste yours. you fooled me. your smile, your laugh, the way you looked at me, the way you held me, when you had sex with me, when you slept next to me...i was fooled. i wish i could say 'oh this is just a lesson im learning, it makes me stronger' like i ALWAYS do, but i can't. its fucking bullshit. as bad as devin hurt me, as bad as lucas hurt me, i think maybe you hurt me more. you had me believing something false. i had trust in you. that trust is slowly slipping. i want to tell you i love you. but i dont know if thats what you need to hear right now. i don't know if i can do it. but will i regret it if i dont? why do you have to put me in these difficult positions? its a fucking new year. try something different. open yourself up to something new. this isn't about me and my issues, this is about YOU and your heart. the only reason i know that you're not following it is because you come back. and if this isn't in your heart, then leave me the fuck alone. but remember, everytime you go to jack someone in the face in that ring, you'll think of me.
this is too much.
this is too much.