(no subject)
i never realized how much of an impact devin has had on me until now. i mean wow. everything between me and him has really fucked with my head. i dont even know how to act. or handle anything. anything to do with boys, im screwed. i dont know what i want or feel. i get attatched to quickly and then i push it all away when i have boys left and right. i keep taking back and pushing away. what the hell is wrong with me? i have so many great opprotunities right in front of me and i cant see that. i mean, i see it but as soon as its right in my reach i push it away. what does that mean? whats my problem? today i wanted to fight with nater nate. i dont even know why. cause im so used to fighting with devin, that i feel like i need to fight with some other boy. is that normal? i didnt, but i felt like i had to. cause it happened with devin so much that i felt like it had to happen. and then i think about lucas. and i think about what i have now. i think about lucas coming up and me having something with someone already. then what do i do? do i cheat and fuck myself up more? what do i do? i can just tell something isnt right here. why am i feeling this way? i dont even think there is an emotion to describe it. of all the ppl i know, i handle boy problems the worst, and i always get the worst of it. what the hell. i dont even know what im talking about right now lol. i feel like my brain just isnt right. i cant describe it. i just havent been me lately. i feel like im drifting from myself. i dont even look or see myself the same anymore. livejournal is the only place i express these emotions im going through right now. lol. gotta love livejournal for times like this. god, here come the tears.