"And God help you if you are a pheonix / and dare to rise up from the ash..."
I haven't posted in a while and I could post about a lot of different things, because my life has been pretty damn busy lately between one acts, junior thesis, homework, and oh yeah, having a life, but I'll save the rest of that for later.
Right now, I'm feeling two things: depression and anxiety. Strange combination, but it's because they're caused by two different things.
First is the depression. I know this is terribly cliche and excruciatingly pathetic, but, as we all know, Valentine's Day approaches rather rapidly, and I am even starting to hear some chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter (anyone?? no, I guess not...) about Prom. As lovely as these events may be, they only serve to reinforce the fact that I have no one to share them with. Sure Valentine's day is a made-up holiday fabricated by the greeting card industry and yes I can still enjoy Prom without a "date" persay--or I could even not go and go out to dinner with Liz, Will, Tori, etc., but I can't help feeling depressed when I think about them. Especially because I'm still not over things that have been over for more than a month, and which I'm really mad at myself for still worrying about. I'm beginning to open myself up to new possibilities in that respect, but there's nothing serious yet, and, to be completely honest, it seems like everyone desirable or otherwise "dateable" is taken or just unavailable. That's an exaggeration, I know, but that's how it feels.
As it happens, and I don't mean this as an attack against those people, nor do I hold any resentment against them personally, two new relationships were formed today. I'm incredibly happy for all four of the people involved, and I truly think that they're all really great, but I can't help it bothering me just a little bit. It just reinforces my already-present notion that EVERYONE else is in a relationship, which, again, I know is not true, but that's just how it seems to me. To make matters worse, one of the people involved was someone who had a crush on me earlier. And even though I wasn't interested and it wouldn't have worked out, it's just....frustrating, I guess. That's not the first time that's happened either. But, like I said, both couples are extremely adorable and I wish only the best for them. It's just the idea that gets to me. Not to mention my friends that are already in relationships and disgustingly adorable. I could probably rattle off all my friends who have girlfriends/boyfriends and I guarentee that not only would it be more than my friends who don't, but it would definately break double digits. It's just aggravating. I know it isn't everything, but it's just that little gnawing imperfection.
Enough with depression. Regarding the anxiety. Well, I just had my first Interview rehearsal since the show went up, that is, our first rehearsal for DramaFest. In a word, it was intense. It's not that it's that physically or even emotionally draining, but in terms of focus and accuracy, Ms. Law's plans for the show are incredibly demanding, and, frankly, I'm not sure I can live up to them.
I know the show and the character really well, and everyone told me I did a great job in the show. As wonderful as that all is, it's completely irrelevant at this point. The single most important thing, she told us, is volume. That, while difficult, is something I can do. I'll have to work at it, but it shouldn't be a problem. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the play, but, basically, the dialogue is stylized in the past tense sort of, so that we say something, and then follow it with "I said," for example, "I have sinned deeply, Father, I said" (one of my lines). Now, what she is asking us to do is drop ALL emotion and expression from our "I said"s. My monologue gets pretty intense, and there's an "I said" after almost every line. Not to mention, there are tons of ambiguous phrases like "he said nothing," where I have no idea what to do with my voice. And even if I knew what to do, I would still have great difficulty doing that. And on top of all that, as if it weren't bad enough, I have to add in an Italian accent (which I have never done before and am clueless as to how to do) to this show which I already have memorized in an American accent. There's also a good chance I'll have to drop the accent on my "I said"s as well.
I understand that the show needs to be really good for DramaFest and I definitely want to go on, but I don't know how many of these subtleties I'll be able to tackle. I get the show, I get my character, and I know how he would say these lines. And now I need to completely forget all that. It's stressful.
On the bright side, I'm really excited for DramaFest and I'm sure it will get easier eventually. School is going well, I at least have a debatable outline for my Junior Thesis and can begin writing it. Filmings are coming along, slowly (VERY slowly), but surely. I dunno, I guess things aren't that bad, but I just feel like there's a little hole in my life, or that I'm going about it without passion, which is my biggest fear. It's like something's missing, and I don't know what. Maybe it's a romantic interest; I don't know.
Maybe I'm just stressed. Or maybe I just need some time to think things out.
Right now, I'm feeling two things: depression and anxiety. Strange combination, but it's because they're caused by two different things.
First is the depression. I know this is terribly cliche and excruciatingly pathetic, but, as we all know, Valentine's Day approaches rather rapidly, and I am even starting to hear some chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter (anyone?? no, I guess not...) about Prom. As lovely as these events may be, they only serve to reinforce the fact that I have no one to share them with. Sure Valentine's day is a made-up holiday fabricated by the greeting card industry and yes I can still enjoy Prom without a "date" persay--or I could even not go and go out to dinner with Liz, Will, Tori, etc., but I can't help feeling depressed when I think about them. Especially because I'm still not over things that have been over for more than a month, and which I'm really mad at myself for still worrying about. I'm beginning to open myself up to new possibilities in that respect, but there's nothing serious yet, and, to be completely honest, it seems like everyone desirable or otherwise "dateable" is taken or just unavailable. That's an exaggeration, I know, but that's how it feels.
As it happens, and I don't mean this as an attack against those people, nor do I hold any resentment against them personally, two new relationships were formed today. I'm incredibly happy for all four of the people involved, and I truly think that they're all really great, but I can't help it bothering me just a little bit. It just reinforces my already-present notion that EVERYONE else is in a relationship, which, again, I know is not true, but that's just how it seems to me. To make matters worse, one of the people involved was someone who had a crush on me earlier. And even though I wasn't interested and it wouldn't have worked out, it's just....frustrating, I guess. That's not the first time that's happened either. But, like I said, both couples are extremely adorable and I wish only the best for them. It's just the idea that gets to me. Not to mention my friends that are already in relationships and disgustingly adorable. I could probably rattle off all my friends who have girlfriends/boyfriends and I guarentee that not only would it be more than my friends who don't, but it would definately break double digits. It's just aggravating. I know it isn't everything, but it's just that little gnawing imperfection.
Enough with depression. Regarding the anxiety. Well, I just had my first Interview rehearsal since the show went up, that is, our first rehearsal for DramaFest. In a word, it was intense. It's not that it's that physically or even emotionally draining, but in terms of focus and accuracy, Ms. Law's plans for the show are incredibly demanding, and, frankly, I'm not sure I can live up to them.
I know the show and the character really well, and everyone told me I did a great job in the show. As wonderful as that all is, it's completely irrelevant at this point. The single most important thing, she told us, is volume. That, while difficult, is something I can do. I'll have to work at it, but it shouldn't be a problem. I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the play, but, basically, the dialogue is stylized in the past tense sort of, so that we say something, and then follow it with "I said," for example, "I have sinned deeply, Father, I said" (one of my lines). Now, what she is asking us to do is drop ALL emotion and expression from our "I said"s. My monologue gets pretty intense, and there's an "I said" after almost every line. Not to mention, there are tons of ambiguous phrases like "he said nothing," where I have no idea what to do with my voice. And even if I knew what to do, I would still have great difficulty doing that. And on top of all that, as if it weren't bad enough, I have to add in an Italian accent (which I have never done before and am clueless as to how to do) to this show which I already have memorized in an American accent. There's also a good chance I'll have to drop the accent on my "I said"s as well.
I understand that the show needs to be really good for DramaFest and I definitely want to go on, but I don't know how many of these subtleties I'll be able to tackle. I get the show, I get my character, and I know how he would say these lines. And now I need to completely forget all that. It's stressful.
On the bright side, I'm really excited for DramaFest and I'm sure it will get easier eventually. School is going well, I at least have a debatable outline for my Junior Thesis and can begin writing it. Filmings are coming along, slowly (VERY slowly), but surely. I dunno, I guess things aren't that bad, but I just feel like there's a little hole in my life, or that I'm going about it without passion, which is my biggest fear. It's like something's missing, and I don't know what. Maybe it's a romantic interest; I don't know.
Maybe I'm just stressed. Or maybe I just need some time to think things out.