(no subject)
Today was a pretty bad day in a long time. Something was just off pretty majorly. I didn't feel like myself, and even more self conscious and uncomfortable with who i am than usual. Emily, like usual, was a control freak and stole braulio and jamie from me when it was suppose to be the three of us hanging out. And she always talks to me in a condescending manner and hitting my soft spots. We always give eachother shit, its part of our friendship, but the fact that she does this when we're surrounded by my friends... why? Its almost like she competes with me for their friendship or something. I'm not secure with myself for her to do that. And then later I had a pretty good day, until I went out again with braulio, jamie and DJ. DJ made me feel sort of uncomfortable, because he's been antisocial due to his recent breakup with his gf. Which is understandable, it just made me feel a bit more awkward. But he was also giving me shit and hitting soft spots of mine. I don't hold this against him, but he was always my best friend, and so much has changed between us. I shouldn't feel this insecure about us, but I do.
That and a combination of Braulio and Jamie being the cutest couple in the world... I just wanted and needed someone to hug. I don't have anyone anymore to keep me in balance. There has always been a best friend or boyfriend in my life to fall back on. Ever since I got out of my last relationship, I'm really insecure with how people feel about me, and it takes its toll. Even after having a great time with a great group of pals, there's nobody at the end of the day who'll just lay down with me and embrace everything. When things get rough, I don't know who is genuinely there. And after all the people whom I love and spend a great deal of time with make me feel less worthy of a person... idk its just sad. I know I'll wake up tomorrow a bit more refreshed, but its nights like these that take their lil tolls on you. I always tell myself its a good thing to be single and alone, to strengthen all of these characteristics that were never tested because of my reliance on someone. But if I can't positively turn myself in a good direction, then it really serves no good.
I came back to my dormroom alone and didn't know what to do. I eventually talked to eric, which was really nice. Right now he still is someone who knows me better than anyone else, despite our changes in friendship. He talked and made me laugh, and it made me feel better and forget my problems. It didn't help or change the fact that I'm lonely, but it was a relief to know that someone genuine was there for me. Now its just a matter of either making changes, or accepting all the instabilities. Not so easy, but its what I need to do. Because all of this isn't new to me, and it won't change til something is done.
Who are you best friend? and where have you beeeeen?
That and a combination of Braulio and Jamie being the cutest couple in the world... I just wanted and needed someone to hug. I don't have anyone anymore to keep me in balance. There has always been a best friend or boyfriend in my life to fall back on. Ever since I got out of my last relationship, I'm really insecure with how people feel about me, and it takes its toll. Even after having a great time with a great group of pals, there's nobody at the end of the day who'll just lay down with me and embrace everything. When things get rough, I don't know who is genuinely there. And after all the people whom I love and spend a great deal of time with make me feel less worthy of a person... idk its just sad. I know I'll wake up tomorrow a bit more refreshed, but its nights like these that take their lil tolls on you. I always tell myself its a good thing to be single and alone, to strengthen all of these characteristics that were never tested because of my reliance on someone. But if I can't positively turn myself in a good direction, then it really serves no good.
I came back to my dormroom alone and didn't know what to do. I eventually talked to eric, which was really nice. Right now he still is someone who knows me better than anyone else, despite our changes in friendship. He talked and made me laugh, and it made me feel better and forget my problems. It didn't help or change the fact that I'm lonely, but it was a relief to know that someone genuine was there for me. Now its just a matter of either making changes, or accepting all the instabilities. Not so easy, but its what I need to do. Because all of this isn't new to me, and it won't change til something is done.
Who are you best friend? and where have you beeeeen?