a rant to help my sanity
words couldn't describe where my head and where my actions have gotten me. every day i almost feel like a new person, a new emotion to describe who i am at that time. and the next day i feel like someone else, guarded by some other emotion.
On Monday, i talked with lia on facebook while i was waiting for my sister to come pick me up, and we were talking about my situation with chadd at our party. although i thought it went well, i later found out from tim that lia wasn't as sincere about the convo as she had led me to believe, and i felt lied to. He also shared details about her and chadd that made me angry and lose my trust in both of them.
I'm still very angry at her. however, today i spent almost the entire day talking with chadd, even though i had made promises to myself, and lia, that i wouldn't. it was a much different pace than usual. he was saying things that made me trust him, and he expressed a lot of understanding in where we're at and where we need to be. It was also quite a rollercoaster.
Sometimes I feel it is necessary to speak my feelings, while other times it feels selfish. While talking to chadd, i wanted so badly to express my distrust for lia, yet at the same time i couldn't do it, because that would cause further problems for us, as well as him and lia, but mostly for me and lia. It also flusters me because by the end of the conversation, he expressed that her life is even more fucked up than i could have thought before, and that he could never date her for his own sanity. It made me feel guilty for the anger I had for her... yet at the same time, it still hurts and sucks.
But who am I to hold onto hurt? chadd is going through a lot of pain due to our breakup... a lot of guilt for saying he would do things for me, but never did. my life, in comparision to his, is very 2 dimensional. my life, in comparision to lia's, is easy; i am not nearly appreciative enough.
Is it selfish for me to be upset if chadd and lia are close, when i find comfort in my own close friends too? do i have the right to tell chadd that he must keep moving forward, when im not sure im moving forward myself?
what is real love? is my love for chadd anymoreso than him and lia? who am i to not allow this type of relationship to flourish, when i was the one who broke it. and when i am the one who intends on finding love beyond this.
who am i?
i couldn't even write a paragraph of this, thinkin about all of this chadd business, without eric calling me in between just to talk. such a sweet guy who misses me, and i miss him also. but what is love? what can i make of this? and how much do i love tim in comparision to eric? in comparison to chadd? which is real love? which is love that i need? are they all possible at once?
do i need love right now? or do i just need self love. im looking for self love, but how do i find it? maybe i find all of my self love through other people. does that mean i can't love anybody until this is possible? but what if it isn't possible without other people?
how can i teach myself not to take such personal hits, emotional kicks. i take everything so seriously. Decisions I make, always feel like mistakes. Nothing ever feels safe anymore. My own self worth drops to other people with every let down I feel that I make. People love me more than I allow myself to realize. But with every mistake I make, I feel as though my value decreases. i don't know how to get myself to realize that people are more forgiving than they appear.
how do i let my mom know that i love her and im sorry for my mistakes, when they keep happening? how can i expect her to trust me when i don't change my behavior? is it legit for her to be mad at me... is it okay for her to treat me the way she does? and since i will never be able to have her understand how it hurts me, how do i change my attitude so that it doesn't hurt me inside?
i need to change my behavior around chadd. i cannot be angry or upset around him... i have to forgive him for his mistakes if i want to be friends with him again, yet i have to have him understand that he needs to earn my trust too.
so many complications in my mind. but how many of these did i begin?
On Monday, i talked with lia on facebook while i was waiting for my sister to come pick me up, and we were talking about my situation with chadd at our party. although i thought it went well, i later found out from tim that lia wasn't as sincere about the convo as she had led me to believe, and i felt lied to. He also shared details about her and chadd that made me angry and lose my trust in both of them.
I'm still very angry at her. however, today i spent almost the entire day talking with chadd, even though i had made promises to myself, and lia, that i wouldn't. it was a much different pace than usual. he was saying things that made me trust him, and he expressed a lot of understanding in where we're at and where we need to be. It was also quite a rollercoaster.
Sometimes I feel it is necessary to speak my feelings, while other times it feels selfish. While talking to chadd, i wanted so badly to express my distrust for lia, yet at the same time i couldn't do it, because that would cause further problems for us, as well as him and lia, but mostly for me and lia. It also flusters me because by the end of the conversation, he expressed that her life is even more fucked up than i could have thought before, and that he could never date her for his own sanity. It made me feel guilty for the anger I had for her... yet at the same time, it still hurts and sucks.
But who am I to hold onto hurt? chadd is going through a lot of pain due to our breakup... a lot of guilt for saying he would do things for me, but never did. my life, in comparision to his, is very 2 dimensional. my life, in comparision to lia's, is easy; i am not nearly appreciative enough.
Is it selfish for me to be upset if chadd and lia are close, when i find comfort in my own close friends too? do i have the right to tell chadd that he must keep moving forward, when im not sure im moving forward myself?
what is real love? is my love for chadd anymoreso than him and lia? who am i to not allow this type of relationship to flourish, when i was the one who broke it. and when i am the one who intends on finding love beyond this.
who am i?
i couldn't even write a paragraph of this, thinkin about all of this chadd business, without eric calling me in between just to talk. such a sweet guy who misses me, and i miss him also. but what is love? what can i make of this? and how much do i love tim in comparision to eric? in comparison to chadd? which is real love? which is love that i need? are they all possible at once?
do i need love right now? or do i just need self love. im looking for self love, but how do i find it? maybe i find all of my self love through other people. does that mean i can't love anybody until this is possible? but what if it isn't possible without other people?
how can i teach myself not to take such personal hits, emotional kicks. i take everything so seriously. Decisions I make, always feel like mistakes. Nothing ever feels safe anymore. My own self worth drops to other people with every let down I feel that I make. People love me more than I allow myself to realize. But with every mistake I make, I feel as though my value decreases. i don't know how to get myself to realize that people are more forgiving than they appear.
how do i let my mom know that i love her and im sorry for my mistakes, when they keep happening? how can i expect her to trust me when i don't change my behavior? is it legit for her to be mad at me... is it okay for her to treat me the way she does? and since i will never be able to have her understand how it hurts me, how do i change my attitude so that it doesn't hurt me inside?
i need to change my behavior around chadd. i cannot be angry or upset around him... i have to forgive him for his mistakes if i want to be friends with him again, yet i have to have him understand that he needs to earn my trust too.
so many complications in my mind. but how many of these did i begin?