(no subject)
I am anything but happy right now.
I Eat Alone.
I Sit Alone.
I Will In Fact Die Alone.
There's something I've been waiting for, for so long happening right now. Finally the feeling is mutual from someone else. Why am I not happy? The situation sucks. I try not to be disgusted with him, I want to be on good terms with him. Knowing it's him not me there with her, but him, sucks. Knowing that i brought them together inadvertently, sucks way more than him being there instead of me. I told my mom about it. She told me not to just give up like i am doing right now, but how can i not give up, if what she's doing is what she wants. this shit is all annoying me right now. i hate being in pain. i hate telling myself "at least you know what will be happening in the future" i'm trying to make myself believe it. i am. but something is just building up inside of me, i wish there was a scientific name for it, rather than just calling it "something" thats so typical. A way to say you are feeling something but can't describe it. Well i can describe it just fine. I am experiencing heart break and pain, experiencing humiliation maybe. what she tells me makes me happy, but how do i believe it when i know she's out with him, why am i suddenly getting jelous now? why am i getting jelous at all? I think most of my pain is coming from myself. I am confused, I am defeated. I've never thought so high of someone, and have them come and fuck me over. that's how i feel fucked over.
her telling me she loves me, is the greatest thing i hear. when we are cuddling, it's the greatest thing i feel. but if what we have discussed are our true intentions. and if i'm not being an idiot for feeding off every word she says, like when she tells me that i'm the only one for her, or something along those like. if all of that is real. i don't know if i can wait.
I strongly believe that if you love someone, that is who you love. I seriously love her. no bull shit. no phony talk. I really love her. If we aren't going to be together yet, i still love her. there's no one else. I won't waste my time with someone else that i can't love, cause i love her. my mom thinks i'm stupid for not wanting anyone else. and maybe i am. maybe it is stupid of me that if there is truly a wait. that i don't test the waters. but what's the point. she's all i want and need. no point in anyone else wasting my time if she's all i think about.
flat out.
my situation sucks.
God literally hates me.
Nothing ever works for me.
But if there is a wait.
she's worth it.
whatever.
maybe i'll die by nineteen after all.
i'm being buried alive by love.
i hate feeling like crying. but never doing it.
I Eat Alone.
I Sit Alone.
I Will In Fact Die Alone.
There's something I've been waiting for, for so long happening right now. Finally the feeling is mutual from someone else. Why am I not happy? The situation sucks. I try not to be disgusted with him, I want to be on good terms with him. Knowing it's him not me there with her, but him, sucks. Knowing that i brought them together inadvertently, sucks way more than him being there instead of me. I told my mom about it. She told me not to just give up like i am doing right now, but how can i not give up, if what she's doing is what she wants. this shit is all annoying me right now. i hate being in pain. i hate telling myself "at least you know what will be happening in the future" i'm trying to make myself believe it. i am. but something is just building up inside of me, i wish there was a scientific name for it, rather than just calling it "something" thats so typical. A way to say you are feeling something but can't describe it. Well i can describe it just fine. I am experiencing heart break and pain, experiencing humiliation maybe. what she tells me makes me happy, but how do i believe it when i know she's out with him, why am i suddenly getting jelous now? why am i getting jelous at all? I think most of my pain is coming from myself. I am confused, I am defeated. I've never thought so high of someone, and have them come and fuck me over. that's how i feel fucked over.
her telling me she loves me, is the greatest thing i hear. when we are cuddling, it's the greatest thing i feel. but if what we have discussed are our true intentions. and if i'm not being an idiot for feeding off every word she says, like when she tells me that i'm the only one for her, or something along those like. if all of that is real. i don't know if i can wait.
I strongly believe that if you love someone, that is who you love. I seriously love her. no bull shit. no phony talk. I really love her. If we aren't going to be together yet, i still love her. there's no one else. I won't waste my time with someone else that i can't love, cause i love her. my mom thinks i'm stupid for not wanting anyone else. and maybe i am. maybe it is stupid of me that if there is truly a wait. that i don't test the waters. but what's the point. she's all i want and need. no point in anyone else wasting my time if she's all i think about.
flat out.
my situation sucks.
God literally hates me.
Nothing ever works for me.
But if there is a wait.
she's worth it.
whatever.
maybe i'll die by nineteen after all.
i'm being buried alive by love.
i hate feeling like crying. but never doing it.