[ this dream is all i ever wanted]
I'm supposed to be writing a journal summary and preparing a presentation right now, but i just don't feel like it...
I've been feeling sort of...numb...latley. The worst feeling in the world is wanting something so bad, but knowing you are never going to have..or maybe it's loosing that something that you always wanted. I'm not sure which one is keeping my stomach in an eternal nervous state. Maybe you only want it so bad because you think you can't have it. It keeps you from sleep. You lie awake with your head turning one "what if" after another, they scare you, they excite you, eventhough you know that they don't matter. You wake up in the same place in the morning. Maybe I'm affraid to wake up somewhere else.
on another note...
The Counrty Concert I went to on Saturday night was the lamest thing I've ever taken part in...the end.
The show Sunday night was amazing as usual. I saw a bunch of people that I haven't seen in a while and it was nice. Derek and David came and I got to chill with them a bit. I miss Derks so much, we've both been so busy :( Kevin hooked-up the guest list, but I didn't get to see him very much. He was in the van taking a nap through the first band, but came and watched These Arms Are Snakes with me. Thanks to TARS I got a new CD that I'm obsesed with. I've been into some diffrent kinda music latley, the last 3 cd's I've bought have been kinda...outta my usual music range. The singer flailed around on stage and humped the pole and was just all out homo and I loved it. Then BTBAM went on. I had to move around numerous times during the set because big metal mosh fucks were always near me and I wanted to kill them. So I finally went over and stood with Cali and Kristen only to have a 17 foot guy stand in front of us. It was rediculious. But the set was great as usual. I stayed and watched Cave In with Derks and David but had to leave cuz Dik left and I forgot my purse was in his car. woops. Cave In gives me a headache so I wasn't too bummed out about leaving early ( sorry derks ). I looked for Kevin forever to say bye, found him outside talking to the singer from Dillinger..? random. Josh and I went to Towson Diner to get my purse and have Boca Burgers. Yum.
Monday I was supposed to go to Norma Jean/ Throwdown with Lucas and Kenny. But I sold out once again and chose to take a test in my night class over hanging out with Lucas because I'm only pretending to be his friend. shh. don't tell him that. Last night I went to the batting cages with Mike,Josh and Klippa. It was entertaining. Josh and Mike played space ball and it is offically the coolest game ever. Then we went back and watched Mean Girls..haha. "SHUT UP" umm..i didn't say anything."
Now I'm watching a lifetime movie....a woman is re-living her rape...how...original? psh. I'm avoiding everything I have to do right now because I don't want to think...thinking sucks latley...but then again...I think too much...so it usually sucks.....I need to listen to Matchbox20.
I want....no...need...to be loved with a whole heart again.