[email, letter]
[Koujirou,
There was something I wanted to say to you but now that I've put pen to paper fingers to keys, it seems as if the words have vanished into thin air. I told you once that I loved you and it is not my desire to retract that - I do love you very much. I don't know when or how this came to be but you're the center of my world for the present and I don't want you to be - not in the way you are. I realize that this is in direct contradiction to my actions prior to this letter. There is not much I can say about that except to apologize. It was unfair of me to mix you up in my confu further confusion.
I am in no position to pass judgement or dispense advice to you. I'm in no condition to give anyone anything other than love and for the moment, I am unsure of whether I can give you even that from one day to the next. I feel like my thoughts and emotions have been tainted by my illness and as long as I am with you, everything that's between us and everything that I hold so dear will slowly turn to poison.
Please understand that I do this out of love - not just for you or for myself but for us and we are an us, moreso now than ever, whether it was our intention or not. Whatever feelings we have for other people aside, what is between us must be addressed. Acknowledgements must need to must be made; definitions must be set and adhered to. However, I need time to get my thoughts and emotions in order and I believe, perhaps wrongly, that once you get this letter, you will need that time as well. Though I warn you that measures will be taken to prevent either of us from approaching each other before we are clear headed enough to handle this as responsible adults.
Wow, this letter sounds so serious...
In case, I wasn't clear you don't understand I wasn't clear what I'm requesting from you it's separation. I don't want to see you need to be apart from you right now and if I say otherwise, it's my illness talking, not me. Or maybe it's Hime-chan and she's my illness but regardless, that person isn't Tachibana An, not in her entirety and for better or worse and wherever I fit, it's Tachibana An that I want to be.
I have no idea how long this will take or when I'll be ready to speak with you again. Hopefully, it won't be too long, otherwise we'll have to work out visitation rights to Gokutora.
I love you.
An]
[Hiroshi,
I just finished writing Koujirou so now I feel more comfortable writing yours. I feel a little silly writing you a letter when I'm seeing you tonight and I'm not sure when I'm going to give you this letter. It feels a little like I'm compiling Pandora's Box, not just to you but to Koujirou and Bunta as well. A box for each of you of the shoeboxes I have here. Might as well put them to use instead of just throwing them out... They're perfectly good boxes, aren't they? Though I think I'll save the boxes for the other two, I don't want boxes or unneeded barriers between us. Of all the men I have ever known and loved, you are the only one I've given my complete trust. Why I have done so or when or how continues to elude me but that answer, too, will come in time.
I made you a promise that I would share answers with you, once I had them. At the time, I lied to you - or perhaps it was only a part of me? I think part of me has always known what's brought on this condition but that's neither here or there. I'm stalling, I know I'm stalling, but I'm stronger this. I should I have faith that my trust in you is not misplaced, I believe in you and the bonds between us. Fear has no place here, not between you and me.
I promised you answers and I want you to have them so here it is. When I was a little girl, probably around ten or so, I fell in love with the boy next door. I doted on him, I cooked him meals, to put it frankly, I idolized him. My parents noticed, my whole family did, and they encouraged it - my mother in particular and she encourages it still. The fight I told you about, when you and Uzuki... you remember. Well, it was about Bunta. Mother's never let go of the hope that he'll be her son-in-law someday and... I honestly thought she'd be satisfied if I at least made a show of pursuing him but when I didn't keep it up... That's something I don't talk about much, I suppose, my family... On the surface, we're happy and stable and stereotypical to the point that we could be sold as a TV sitcom. As I've said before, they're not too happy about my career choice and Dad's urging me to reconsider the programming thing, maybe at another corporation and.... I'm stalling again.
I wish I could say that I chased Bunta just because my parents wanted me to but that would be a lie. I'm still in love with him, I have been for many years. I thought that it would die - no, I actually believed that it had over the years. I felt nothing but vague interest and sisterly affection toward him when I told him I was interested. When you and I first met, I thought those feelings were dead or perhaps they were and something new rekindled in their place. I don't know and I don't want to think about it too much and now I'm beating around the bush again.
This matter is complicated and I brought it on myself by thinking that I was some master actress, this great player, but... I'm not. I'm not a princess or a witch or a huntress or some fine lady worthy of renown - I'm just a woman and a very confused, manipulative one at that but I don't want that life. I don't want to deceive anyone anymore, not myself or anyone else. I want to be Tachibana An - for better or worse, and... I know I have no right to ask you this. You've been so good to me, Hiroshi, and I want to be good to you, completely good, as good as I can be. I want to share a home with you and myself with you and this is why I've written you this letter. Yagyuu Hiroshi, will you mar What di No, did I I'm really looking forward to staying with you and thank you again for your kindness.
Though there's a confession I must make, as it seems this is the weekend for confessions of all shapes and sizes, but I'll wait until I see you in person and I wanted to tell you that I'm falling in love with you and I'm not sure why. It brings me peace and you, you've always brought me peace. That aside, I wanted you to know that you're the best partner a girl could ask for, especially a girl like me, and I appreciate you. So thank you.
And there's more, I probably should've said it before this but I want you to know it, too. I promised you answers to what was wrong with me. I've told you about Saeki Koujirou, the friend I was dating. Well, it seems... we didn't or maybe we didn't stick to it? Regardless, our relationship has gotten really strange lately - on my side as well as his. We've become unhealthily co-dependent on one another in the past couple of months or so. It's not my place to say why but I believe he needs professional help and I thought I could save him. Sometimes I overestimate my capabil abilities. I can't force him to seek help but... I love him, too, the definition's beyond blurred and we'll be working that out soon even if we have to handcuff ourselves together.
But there you have it. It's all yours... if you want it.
Maybe I've said too much again but... the envelope will contain all the warning you need. I hope you'll understand it for what it is when you see it.
Love,
Your An]
[OOC: Strikes deleted in email and scribbled out on paper. The letter to Yagyuu (dated for 9/2/06) is sealed in a plain white envelope with "Pandora's Box" written very neatly and precisely on the front. She contacted one of Yags' co-workers and asked them to make sure it was somewhere towards the bottom of his desk drawer. When or if, Yags finds it is up to you, Bucky. XD;]