Fanfic: Shattered Glass - Chapter 10: Heart
Fanfic masterpost
Chapter 9: Mind
Chapter 10: Heart
It had been Rossi’s idea to get away from the city all together. As soon as they’d landed in Washington, Hotch had been called to Strauss’s office. They hadn’t even had to wait for him to come out of it twenty-five minutes later: they’d figured out immediately what it was about. Time off. Officially, so that they could recover from the past few months of mourning Emily and from the shock of finding out that she was still alive. Unofficially, of course, it was more about their recent screw-up than anything else.
“Figure it out,” Strauss had said. “I don’t care how, just do it.”
Ten days apart weren’t going to do much to solve their problems, they all knew that. So they had all welcomed Rossi’s invite to his countryside house. Not that they were looking forward to it, but they knew they had to find a way to move on - one way or another. Whether it would be understanding Hotch and JJ’s choice and forgiving them, or choosing to leave the team and do something else with their lives, they still didn’t know. Hoping it would be the former didn’t mean the latter looked less likely.
“I got an offer from New York,” Derek said as casually as possible.
Spencer, sitting cross-legged on the bed, was winning a game of gin by 300 points. As soon as Derek gave him the news, his eyes moved from the cards he was holding to his boyfriend’s face.
“You’re thinking about going?” he asked, trying to use as neutral a tone as he could.
“Not without you, if that’s what you mean.” Derek discarded a five of spades.
“But you are thinking about it,” insisted Spencer.
Derek shrugged. “I’m considering my options and you should do the same. In ten days, when our time off is over, I’m not sure we’ll have a team to go back to.”
“I don’t think I can make any plans without knowing if Emily will come back or not.” Spencer laid his cards face down on the bed. “And I don’t know what other options I have to be honest.”
“I’m not asking you to give your notice to the landlord and pack your bags, but I think we should talk about it. Consider our options. Of which, by the way, you have more than I do.” Derek abandoned his cards too and moved closer to Spencer. He put his hands on his shoulders and rubbed them lightly. “You could teach, for example. Columbia University is a short commute from New York and I bet they would love to have you.”
Spencer looked away. “I don’t want to teach and I would be horrible at it.”
Derek rolled his eyes. “Well, they do have FBI headquarters in New York. I should know, I got a call from them.”
“I didn’t. And working for different departments would mean never seeing each other, while working for the same one would mean you’d be my boss, which would over-complicate things.”
What Spencer was saying was true and Derek knew it. “We’ll figure it out, Pretty boy.” He pulled Spencer to him so that he was resting his head against his chest. “One step at a time, okay? First we need to decide if we can and want to stay. If we can’t or don’t want to, we’ll find something else.”
Spencer nodded slightly and wrapped an arm around Derek’s waist, moving to nestle himself in between Derek’s legs. “Do you think she’s coming back?”
“I don’t know, kid.” Derek kissed his hair. “I hope so.”
~
JJ stopped the car just behind Hotch’s, put the brakes on and leaned back against the seat. She wanted to take a moment before going inside.
Everyone else was already there: she recognized the cars parked in front of the house. Spencer’s car was missing, but it was to be expected. He never liked to drive and he had probably spent the night before with Morgan anyway: it wouldn’t have made sense for them to take separate cars.
It hadn’t been easy for her to take some time off on such short notice, but she knew she had to be there. She’d been the one telling them a lie in the first place. Hotch had just played along because he didn’t really have a choice. Well, he did, but he knew what the consequences of telling the truth could be.
She hoped the rest of the team could understand that they only did it to protect Emily. It was the only way they could be a team again.
After taking a deep breath, she unhooked her seatbelt and got out of the car. The air was chilly and she pulled her jacket more tightly around her body. She took her away bag from the back seat, then locked the car and walked to the front door.
She had a plan, sort of. Talking to everyone individually, explaining the reasons behind the lie and hoping to God they would understand. She couldn’t allow the team to fall apart like that, especially now that she was coming back. It wasn’t official just yet, but it was only a matter of days before she could announce it. Rossi and Hotch were the only ones who knew at the moment: she’d chosen to keep it from the others in part not to jinx it and in part to avoid getting their hopes up in case it didn’t work out.
She took the phone out of her pocket and checked for new text messages or calls. Nothing. Apparently, there was still no news of Emily. Even though she knew it was normal, she was beginning to worry. What if something had happened to her?
She shrugged the thought away and rang the bell. Everything was going to be okay. She was going to make sure of that.
~
Everything went quite good for the first few hours since JJ’s arrival. First she talked to Garcia, who was already over having being lied to and was just worried about the team and the lack of news from Emily. They talked for a long time, sharing their fears and reassuring each other, and also catching up on their lives. After JJ had left the team, they used to meet up at least twice a month - the two of them and Emily. After Emily was gone, they’d kept doing it, but less and less frequently because it made them miss Emily even more.
After hugging Garcia and promising her they would talk more in the evening, she went to look for Seaver. She barely knew her, having only met her once, but she was right in assuming that it would be easy talking to her. The thing was, she wasn’t part of the family just yet. She was getting there, but it was too soon and she knew that. The others had good reasons for feeling betrayed, she didn’t. All she had was questions: where had Emily been, was she coming back, was she okay.
JJ tried to reassure her as much as she could without making promises she may not be able to keep.
“I think she’ll come back,” Seaver said after a while, with a confidence JJ wasn’t expecting from her. “She loves this team and she loves this job. She’ll come back.”
JJ nodded but didn’t say anything. Six months were a long time and she couldn’t shake away the feeling that something would go terribly wrong very soon. But then again, she’d been wrong before and maybe the bad feeling was just due to stress.
When her conversation with Seaver was over, she went to look for Spencer. She found him in the big kitchen, standing by the window with a mug of hot chocolate in his hands. Feeling a presence in the room, he turned around, smiling. “Der-?” His smile faded away when he saw her.
“I have nothing to say to you,” he said.
“Spence, I’m sorry.” JJ looked at him in the eye. “You have no idea how hard it was for me - and Hotch - to keep it from you. But we had to, to protect her.”
“And do you have any idea how hard it was to lose her? To think she was dead?” Spencer broke eye contact. He tightened his grip on the mug. “I thought we were friends.”
He set the mug down on the table and stormed out of the room without giving her time to reply. In the living room, Derek was listening to music and blatantly ignoring Hotch. Spencer didn’t stop when he passed by him, didn’t even make eye contact, and that made Derek get up and reach for his wrist. “Pretty boy.”
Spencer stopped and moved a little closer to Derek. He looked up to see JJ come out of the kitchen. He held her gaze for a few seconds, then looked away. “I told you, I’m not talking to you. I just can’t right now. All I want is to know if Emily is safe and if she’s coming home. Nothing else matters right now.”
JJ opened her mouth to say something, but Hotch spoke first. “Don’t say that. This team still matters, or at least I hope it does. We need to talk about all this: it’s the only way we’re going to get past it. I believe we can figure it out, but we need to talk.”
That, for Derek, was the final straw. He let go of Spencer’s wrist and launched forward to punch Hotch in the face. He hit him just under his eye, making him stagger backwards.
“You are the one who should have talked! Months ago. Before you let us think we were burying our friend,” he said, furious. His fist was still clenched, but he didn’t try to punch Hotch again. Instead, he let Spencer take him by the shoulders and guide him towards the stairs to the upper floor.
“He’s got a nerve asking us to talk it out after he kept that secret for months!” Derek was saying as they stepped inside the bedroom they were sharing. “I’m not even sure we can get past this by talking, anyway. Actually, I’m not sure we can get past this, period.”
Spencer paced nervously around the room. “We should leave. I don’t see us getting anywhere. Maybe we should just go home and take a break from all this. Once we hear from Emily, maybe things will change. Or maybe not, but at least we won’t fight anymore.” He turned around to look at Derek. “I’m tired of all this, Der. I just want it to be over and for Emily to be back.”
Nodding, Derek moved closer to him and placed his hands on Spencer’s hips. “You’re right. We could use a few days to clear our minds. Let’s go home, kid.”
~
“Don’t you think it’s a little melodramatic to pack your bags and leave?” Rossi asked when Derek opened the door. Spencer was almost finished placing his things in his suitcase and Derek’s bag was already closed and ready.
“I don’t think Hotch wants another black eye to match the one I gave him earlier.”
“He doesn’t,” Rossi confirmed. “And for what it’s worth, I don’t think he deserved it.”
Derek let out a bitter laugh. “You’re on his side, now?”
“I didn’t know we were taking sides.” Rossi pushed the door wide open so he could look at both his friends and not just Derek, who was standing in between him and Spencer. “Listen, if you feel like you need some time away from everything and everyone else to get some perspective, go ahead. But then you need to come back and let them explain. They deserve at least that. You can choose to leave the unit after that, but you need to give them a chance first.”
“You’re okay with what they did,” Derek stated.
“I just had a long chat with Hotch and I understand why they did it, yes. In their place, I would have probably done the same thing,” Rossi admitted. “I hope you two find a way to understand their reasons or at least to forgive them. Maybe this will help: Emily called JJ a few minutes ago. She’s on her way to the airport: she’s coming here.”
~
The news of Emily’s return changed Derek and Spencer’s mind about leaving. Sure, they could go back to Washington and pick her up at the airport the following evening. But she would want to go see the others too, so what was the point of leaving if they were coming back anyway?
Hotch and JJ were keeping to themselves, choosing to wait till Emily’s arrival before trying to talk to Derek and Spencer again. They’d spent the night playing Monopoly with Rossi, while Seaver and Garcia had joined Derek and Spencer on the couch for a movie.
Now, as the end titles ran on the screen, Spencer was reciting the entire filmography of Christian Bale as if he were reading it from IMDB and Seaver was regretting ever asking if he was in ‘Velvet Goldmine’ or not.
All of sudden, Garcia spoke up. “So, do you think she’s coming back for good or will she go back to her new life after a few days here?” By the way she’d asked the question, it was clear she had been mulling over it for a while.
No one spoke. Hotch looked at JJ, asking her silently whether she knew something or not. JJ shook her head slightly. Emily hadn’t said anything and she hadn’t asked. All they knew was that she was coming there.
In the end, after long seconds of silence, it was Rossi who spoke. “Well, we’re gonna have to ask her when she arrives. In the meanwhile, let’s just try and be happy that we’ll get to see her again,” he said very matter-of-factly.
Derek and Spencer looked at each other. Neither of them had considered the possibility that she may only come back to say goodbye.
“I’m really tired tonight,” Spencer said, getting up. “I’ll head to bed. Goodnight.”
After kissing Derek lightly on the lips, he disappeared up the stairs. Derek followed him with his eyes.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-” Garcia said.
“Not your fault, baby girl.” Derek got up. “I’ll go talk to him. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He kissed Garcia’s forehead, then went after Spencer. He found him taking off his clothes to get ready for bed.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Spencer grabbed his PJs from under his pillow and put on his pants. Everything about the way he moved told Derek just how scared he was that Emily could in fact only be stopping by for a few days.
“Spencer, baby, it’s okay to be scared. I am too. I don’t want to lose her again.” Derek closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around Spencer. “But I don’t think we will. She loves this team, this job… she loves us. We’re as important to her as she is to us. If it were you who had to disappear for six months, wouldn’t you come back?”
Derek wished he was as sure of he was saying as he pretended to be. It didn’t matter. The important thing right now was to calm Spencer down. There was no point in him panicking for a whole day while waiting for Emily to arrive.
“You know I would.” Spencer rested his forehead against Derek’s. “But usually I’m not the one doing the leaving.”
“It’s Emily. She won’t leave. She just… won’t.”
Chapter 11: Body
Chapter 9: Mind
Chapter 10: Heart
It had been Rossi’s idea to get away from the city all together. As soon as they’d landed in Washington, Hotch had been called to Strauss’s office. They hadn’t even had to wait for him to come out of it twenty-five minutes later: they’d figured out immediately what it was about. Time off. Officially, so that they could recover from the past few months of mourning Emily and from the shock of finding out that she was still alive. Unofficially, of course, it was more about their recent screw-up than anything else.
“Figure it out,” Strauss had said. “I don’t care how, just do it.”
Ten days apart weren’t going to do much to solve their problems, they all knew that. So they had all welcomed Rossi’s invite to his countryside house. Not that they were looking forward to it, but they knew they had to find a way to move on - one way or another. Whether it would be understanding Hotch and JJ’s choice and forgiving them, or choosing to leave the team and do something else with their lives, they still didn’t know. Hoping it would be the former didn’t mean the latter looked less likely.
“I got an offer from New York,” Derek said as casually as possible.
Spencer, sitting cross-legged on the bed, was winning a game of gin by 300 points. As soon as Derek gave him the news, his eyes moved from the cards he was holding to his boyfriend’s face.
“You’re thinking about going?” he asked, trying to use as neutral a tone as he could.
“Not without you, if that’s what you mean.” Derek discarded a five of spades.
“But you are thinking about it,” insisted Spencer.
Derek shrugged. “I’m considering my options and you should do the same. In ten days, when our time off is over, I’m not sure we’ll have a team to go back to.”
“I don’t think I can make any plans without knowing if Emily will come back or not.” Spencer laid his cards face down on the bed. “And I don’t know what other options I have to be honest.”
“I’m not asking you to give your notice to the landlord and pack your bags, but I think we should talk about it. Consider our options. Of which, by the way, you have more than I do.” Derek abandoned his cards too and moved closer to Spencer. He put his hands on his shoulders and rubbed them lightly. “You could teach, for example. Columbia University is a short commute from New York and I bet they would love to have you.”
Spencer looked away. “I don’t want to teach and I would be horrible at it.”
Derek rolled his eyes. “Well, they do have FBI headquarters in New York. I should know, I got a call from them.”
“I didn’t. And working for different departments would mean never seeing each other, while working for the same one would mean you’d be my boss, which would over-complicate things.”
What Spencer was saying was true and Derek knew it. “We’ll figure it out, Pretty boy.” He pulled Spencer to him so that he was resting his head against his chest. “One step at a time, okay? First we need to decide if we can and want to stay. If we can’t or don’t want to, we’ll find something else.”
Spencer nodded slightly and wrapped an arm around Derek’s waist, moving to nestle himself in between Derek’s legs. “Do you think she’s coming back?”
“I don’t know, kid.” Derek kissed his hair. “I hope so.”
~
JJ stopped the car just behind Hotch’s, put the brakes on and leaned back against the seat. She wanted to take a moment before going inside.
Everyone else was already there: she recognized the cars parked in front of the house. Spencer’s car was missing, but it was to be expected. He never liked to drive and he had probably spent the night before with Morgan anyway: it wouldn’t have made sense for them to take separate cars.
It hadn’t been easy for her to take some time off on such short notice, but she knew she had to be there. She’d been the one telling them a lie in the first place. Hotch had just played along because he didn’t really have a choice. Well, he did, but he knew what the consequences of telling the truth could be.
She hoped the rest of the team could understand that they only did it to protect Emily. It was the only way they could be a team again.
After taking a deep breath, she unhooked her seatbelt and got out of the car. The air was chilly and she pulled her jacket more tightly around her body. She took her away bag from the back seat, then locked the car and walked to the front door.
She had a plan, sort of. Talking to everyone individually, explaining the reasons behind the lie and hoping to God they would understand. She couldn’t allow the team to fall apart like that, especially now that she was coming back. It wasn’t official just yet, but it was only a matter of days before she could announce it. Rossi and Hotch were the only ones who knew at the moment: she’d chosen to keep it from the others in part not to jinx it and in part to avoid getting their hopes up in case it didn’t work out.
She took the phone out of her pocket and checked for new text messages or calls. Nothing. Apparently, there was still no news of Emily. Even though she knew it was normal, she was beginning to worry. What if something had happened to her?
She shrugged the thought away and rang the bell. Everything was going to be okay. She was going to make sure of that.
~
Everything went quite good for the first few hours since JJ’s arrival. First she talked to Garcia, who was already over having being lied to and was just worried about the team and the lack of news from Emily. They talked for a long time, sharing their fears and reassuring each other, and also catching up on their lives. After JJ had left the team, they used to meet up at least twice a month - the two of them and Emily. After Emily was gone, they’d kept doing it, but less and less frequently because it made them miss Emily even more.
After hugging Garcia and promising her they would talk more in the evening, she went to look for Seaver. She barely knew her, having only met her once, but she was right in assuming that it would be easy talking to her. The thing was, she wasn’t part of the family just yet. She was getting there, but it was too soon and she knew that. The others had good reasons for feeling betrayed, she didn’t. All she had was questions: where had Emily been, was she coming back, was she okay.
JJ tried to reassure her as much as she could without making promises she may not be able to keep.
“I think she’ll come back,” Seaver said after a while, with a confidence JJ wasn’t expecting from her. “She loves this team and she loves this job. She’ll come back.”
JJ nodded but didn’t say anything. Six months were a long time and she couldn’t shake away the feeling that something would go terribly wrong very soon. But then again, she’d been wrong before and maybe the bad feeling was just due to stress.
When her conversation with Seaver was over, she went to look for Spencer. She found him in the big kitchen, standing by the window with a mug of hot chocolate in his hands. Feeling a presence in the room, he turned around, smiling. “Der-?” His smile faded away when he saw her.
“I have nothing to say to you,” he said.
“Spence, I’m sorry.” JJ looked at him in the eye. “You have no idea how hard it was for me - and Hotch - to keep it from you. But we had to, to protect her.”
“And do you have any idea how hard it was to lose her? To think she was dead?” Spencer broke eye contact. He tightened his grip on the mug. “I thought we were friends.”
He set the mug down on the table and stormed out of the room without giving her time to reply. In the living room, Derek was listening to music and blatantly ignoring Hotch. Spencer didn’t stop when he passed by him, didn’t even make eye contact, and that made Derek get up and reach for his wrist. “Pretty boy.”
Spencer stopped and moved a little closer to Derek. He looked up to see JJ come out of the kitchen. He held her gaze for a few seconds, then looked away. “I told you, I’m not talking to you. I just can’t right now. All I want is to know if Emily is safe and if she’s coming home. Nothing else matters right now.”
JJ opened her mouth to say something, but Hotch spoke first. “Don’t say that. This team still matters, or at least I hope it does. We need to talk about all this: it’s the only way we’re going to get past it. I believe we can figure it out, but we need to talk.”
That, for Derek, was the final straw. He let go of Spencer’s wrist and launched forward to punch Hotch in the face. He hit him just under his eye, making him stagger backwards.
“You are the one who should have talked! Months ago. Before you let us think we were burying our friend,” he said, furious. His fist was still clenched, but he didn’t try to punch Hotch again. Instead, he let Spencer take him by the shoulders and guide him towards the stairs to the upper floor.
“He’s got a nerve asking us to talk it out after he kept that secret for months!” Derek was saying as they stepped inside the bedroom they were sharing. “I’m not even sure we can get past this by talking, anyway. Actually, I’m not sure we can get past this, period.”
Spencer paced nervously around the room. “We should leave. I don’t see us getting anywhere. Maybe we should just go home and take a break from all this. Once we hear from Emily, maybe things will change. Or maybe not, but at least we won’t fight anymore.” He turned around to look at Derek. “I’m tired of all this, Der. I just want it to be over and for Emily to be back.”
Nodding, Derek moved closer to him and placed his hands on Spencer’s hips. “You’re right. We could use a few days to clear our minds. Let’s go home, kid.”
~
“Don’t you think it’s a little melodramatic to pack your bags and leave?” Rossi asked when Derek opened the door. Spencer was almost finished placing his things in his suitcase and Derek’s bag was already closed and ready.
“I don’t think Hotch wants another black eye to match the one I gave him earlier.”
“He doesn’t,” Rossi confirmed. “And for what it’s worth, I don’t think he deserved it.”
Derek let out a bitter laugh. “You’re on his side, now?”
“I didn’t know we were taking sides.” Rossi pushed the door wide open so he could look at both his friends and not just Derek, who was standing in between him and Spencer. “Listen, if you feel like you need some time away from everything and everyone else to get some perspective, go ahead. But then you need to come back and let them explain. They deserve at least that. You can choose to leave the unit after that, but you need to give them a chance first.”
“You’re okay with what they did,” Derek stated.
“I just had a long chat with Hotch and I understand why they did it, yes. In their place, I would have probably done the same thing,” Rossi admitted. “I hope you two find a way to understand their reasons or at least to forgive them. Maybe this will help: Emily called JJ a few minutes ago. She’s on her way to the airport: she’s coming here.”
~
The news of Emily’s return changed Derek and Spencer’s mind about leaving. Sure, they could go back to Washington and pick her up at the airport the following evening. But she would want to go see the others too, so what was the point of leaving if they were coming back anyway?
Hotch and JJ were keeping to themselves, choosing to wait till Emily’s arrival before trying to talk to Derek and Spencer again. They’d spent the night playing Monopoly with Rossi, while Seaver and Garcia had joined Derek and Spencer on the couch for a movie.
Now, as the end titles ran on the screen, Spencer was reciting the entire filmography of Christian Bale as if he were reading it from IMDB and Seaver was regretting ever asking if he was in ‘Velvet Goldmine’ or not.
All of sudden, Garcia spoke up. “So, do you think she’s coming back for good or will she go back to her new life after a few days here?” By the way she’d asked the question, it was clear she had been mulling over it for a while.
No one spoke. Hotch looked at JJ, asking her silently whether she knew something or not. JJ shook her head slightly. Emily hadn’t said anything and she hadn’t asked. All they knew was that she was coming there.
In the end, after long seconds of silence, it was Rossi who spoke. “Well, we’re gonna have to ask her when she arrives. In the meanwhile, let’s just try and be happy that we’ll get to see her again,” he said very matter-of-factly.
Derek and Spencer looked at each other. Neither of them had considered the possibility that she may only come back to say goodbye.
“I’m really tired tonight,” Spencer said, getting up. “I’ll head to bed. Goodnight.”
After kissing Derek lightly on the lips, he disappeared up the stairs. Derek followed him with his eyes.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-” Garcia said.
“Not your fault, baby girl.” Derek got up. “I’ll go talk to him. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He kissed Garcia’s forehead, then went after Spencer. He found him taking off his clothes to get ready for bed.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Spencer grabbed his PJs from under his pillow and put on his pants. Everything about the way he moved told Derek just how scared he was that Emily could in fact only be stopping by for a few days.
“Spencer, baby, it’s okay to be scared. I am too. I don’t want to lose her again.” Derek closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around Spencer. “But I don’t think we will. She loves this team, this job… she loves us. We’re as important to her as she is to us. If it were you who had to disappear for six months, wouldn’t you come back?”
Derek wished he was as sure of he was saying as he pretended to be. It didn’t matter. The important thing right now was to calm Spencer down. There was no point in him panicking for a whole day while waiting for Emily to arrive.
“You know I would.” Spencer rested his forehead against Derek’s. “But usually I’m not the one doing the leaving.”
“It’s Emily. She won’t leave. She just… won’t.”
Chapter 11: Body