Fanfic: Shattered Glass - Chapter 2: Anger
Fanfic masterpost
Chapter 1: Denial
Chapter 2: Anger
“Explain something to me, boy genius,” Derek said, closing the front door behind him. “Why does my dog only get dirty at the park when I just had the car cleaned?”
“He doesn’t.”
Derek could tell Spencer was amused even though he couldn’t see his smile. He guided Clooney to the back yard, then joined his boyfriend in the living room. Spencer was sitting cross-legged on the couch, still in his PJs - long striped pants and an old t-shirt of Derek’s he’d borrowed once and never given back - and was drinking coffee while flipping rapidly through the pages of the newspaper.
As soon as Derek was by his side, Spencer started explaining. “He doesn’t get dirty when you have your car cleaned, he gets dirty after you’ve been away for longer than usual. It’s his passive-aggressive way of telling you he missed you.” Derek was about to say something, but Spencer went on: “And as for the car, you always have it cleaned when you come back after long cases. It’s one of the things you do to relax.”
“Rule number two, baby,” Derek reminded him.
“I’m not profiling you, I just… notice.” Spencer closed the newspaper and set it down on the small table next to the couch. “Coffee’s still hot if you want some.”
“Yeah, I could use some coffee.”
He headed to the kitchen, bringing Spencer’s mug with him to refill it, even though it wasn’t empty yet. Spencer followed him quietly.
They’d come back the night before from their first case away from Washington since Emily. It hadn’t been worse than many others, but her not being there had made things harder than usual. They had still pulled it off and somehow that hurt. She wasn’t with them, but they were still able to catch the unsub. As if she wasn’t needed. Which, of course, wasn’t the truth. Hotch would need to find a replacement soon enough: as smart as Seaver was, she lacked the experience and couldn’t take Emily’s place.
Not that anyone could, Derek thought as he poured the coffee in their mugs. He handed one to Spencer and sat down at the table.
“Talk to me,” Spencer said, taking a seat in front of him and reaching out to brush his fingers over his hand.
“I was just thinking about the case, that’s all.”
“Liar.” Spencer’s voice wasn’t angry or accusing, he wasn’t even asking for the truth. He was just telling him he knew he was lying and was there if he ever wanted to share what was really on his mind.
Derek acknowledged as much by lacing their fingers together, but was silent for a while. There was a question he’d been meaning to ask Spencer for days, but he wasn’t sure it wasn’t better left unspoken.
“Do you blame me?” he asked eventually. No need to say for what.
“Blame you? Why should I?” Spencer was genuinely surprised. “You did everything you could, we all did. Sometimes it just… it just isn’t enough.”
Derek knew better. He’d replayed the whole thing in his mind over and over again. Just a few minutes, maybe just a few seconds, and she’d be alive. He could have been there a few seconds earlier. If he’d only pushed himself a little harder…
“And you shouldn’t blame yourself,” Spencer was saying. “Derek, it wasn’t your fault. It was nobody’s fault but Doyle’s.”
“She should have told us, we could have protected her.” Derek got up and started pacing around the room.
“She was trying to protect us. You would have done the same, you know you would.” Spencer sounded hurt now, becoming aware that his words were the truth as he spoke them.
“No, I wouldn’t have. I would have trusted my team, I would have trusted you!”
Spencer swallowed hard. Their eyes met for a second.
“Do you?” he asked in a small voice. “Do you really trust me?”
“What is that supposed to mean? Of course I trust you, Spencer, you’re my boyfriend.”
Spencer got up and crossed his arms on his chest defensively. “But you don’t talk to me. I’ve told you how I feel about Emily being… gone, you haven’t. You say you’re hurting but then you act like everything’s okay and I’m the one who’s broken.”
“You’re one to talk!” retorted Derek. “Just how long did you wait before you told me about your headaches? Sometimes I wonder if you’d still told me if I hadn’t found those books on migraines.” Derek was shouting now, all the anger and fear he’s bottled up ready to explode. “What the hell were you waiting for?!”
Spencer winced at his raised voice, but held his ground. “I was scared! I didn’t want to think about it.” He took a deep breath to calm himself down and looked at Derek, trying to make him understand. “Telling you made it real.”
“I’m your boyfriend, for fuck’s sake!” Derek stepped closer to him and pushed him back against the wall, not hard enough to hurt him, but enough to tell Spencer he was beyond angry. Derek had never before used his strength against him, not like this, not in a threatening way. Spencer knew he wouldn’t really punch him, but it said something about how angry Derek was that he was so close to actually hurt him.
“Derek,” Spencer whispered, not even trying to break free from him. He didn’t add anything else. No You’re hurting me, or You’re scaring me, or Please let me go. Just his name. And Derek let go of his shoulders and stumbled back a few steps.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have.”
Spencer took a moment to calm himself down, then slowly closed the distance between them and reached out to touch his arm. “It’s okay,” he said.
Derek shrugged away from the touch and turned his back to him. “You should go now.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“It’s my house and I don’t want you here. You don’t trust me and you think that I don’t trust you, so what are we even doing together?” Derek faced him again and looked him in the eye. Serious.
Spencer tried to reach out a hand again, but Derek caught his wrist mid-air and pushed it away. Trying and failing not to feel hurt at the gesture, Spencer moved away from him.
“So what are you saying, that we’re over? It’s just a fight, Derek,” Spencer said. When they’d started dating, Derek had told him they would fight at some point, but he shouldn’t worry because it was what couples did; it didn’t mean he was going to end up alone. Only, apparently, now he was.
Derek had been angry before and he still was - but now he was thinking straight. It wasn’t the anger talking when he said they shouldn’t be together.
“It’s not just a fight. We’re over. Maybe we were never really together in the first place.”
“Fuck you, Derek!” Spencer said. He quickly got his jacket and his go-away bag and left.
Derek stood in the middle of his kitchen, thinking it was the first time he’d heard Spencer say ‘fuck’.
Yeah, because of course that was what mattered right now. He slammed his fist on the wooden table. Now he’d lost him too.
~
No one said a word at the office, but as soon as Derek and Spencer were in the same room it was clear to everybody that something was deeply wrong with their relationship. They acted very professionally, even worked together on the victimology and did a very good job at it. But they wouldn’t meet each other’s eye, they sat furthest away from each other than usual and they didn’t exchange any jokes or off topic remarks. They focused on the job and acted like they didn’t even know each other.
That they were a couple was no secret to the rest of the team, even though they’d never said it out loud. Hotch thought that as long as he didn’t officially know about it, he had no reason to worry about fraternization. It wasn’t like their relationship had even gotten in the way of their jobs. Except maybe for Derek wanting to break into a contaminated lab because Spencer was in there, but in the end he hadn’t and that was what mattered.
Now he could only hope they would make up, or at least manage not to let their break up affect their performance at work. It was hard enough without Emily.
He was watching Reid shoot a glance at Morgan’s back, wondering if it meant that it had been Morgan’s decision’s to break up, when his cell phone rang. New case, needed urgently in Indianapolis for the kidnapping of a 7-year-old.
Whatever was happening between his two agents, Hotch hoped an innocent kid wouldn’t have to suffer because of it.
Chapter 3: Bargaining
Chapter 1: Denial
Chapter 2: Anger
“Explain something to me, boy genius,” Derek said, closing the front door behind him. “Why does my dog only get dirty at the park when I just had the car cleaned?”
“He doesn’t.”
Derek could tell Spencer was amused even though he couldn’t see his smile. He guided Clooney to the back yard, then joined his boyfriend in the living room. Spencer was sitting cross-legged on the couch, still in his PJs - long striped pants and an old t-shirt of Derek’s he’d borrowed once and never given back - and was drinking coffee while flipping rapidly through the pages of the newspaper.
As soon as Derek was by his side, Spencer started explaining. “He doesn’t get dirty when you have your car cleaned, he gets dirty after you’ve been away for longer than usual. It’s his passive-aggressive way of telling you he missed you.” Derek was about to say something, but Spencer went on: “And as for the car, you always have it cleaned when you come back after long cases. It’s one of the things you do to relax.”
“Rule number two, baby,” Derek reminded him.
“I’m not profiling you, I just… notice.” Spencer closed the newspaper and set it down on the small table next to the couch. “Coffee’s still hot if you want some.”
“Yeah, I could use some coffee.”
He headed to the kitchen, bringing Spencer’s mug with him to refill it, even though it wasn’t empty yet. Spencer followed him quietly.
They’d come back the night before from their first case away from Washington since Emily. It hadn’t been worse than many others, but her not being there had made things harder than usual. They had still pulled it off and somehow that hurt. She wasn’t with them, but they were still able to catch the unsub. As if she wasn’t needed. Which, of course, wasn’t the truth. Hotch would need to find a replacement soon enough: as smart as Seaver was, she lacked the experience and couldn’t take Emily’s place.
Not that anyone could, Derek thought as he poured the coffee in their mugs. He handed one to Spencer and sat down at the table.
“Talk to me,” Spencer said, taking a seat in front of him and reaching out to brush his fingers over his hand.
“I was just thinking about the case, that’s all.”
“Liar.” Spencer’s voice wasn’t angry or accusing, he wasn’t even asking for the truth. He was just telling him he knew he was lying and was there if he ever wanted to share what was really on his mind.
Derek acknowledged as much by lacing their fingers together, but was silent for a while. There was a question he’d been meaning to ask Spencer for days, but he wasn’t sure it wasn’t better left unspoken.
“Do you blame me?” he asked eventually. No need to say for what.
“Blame you? Why should I?” Spencer was genuinely surprised. “You did everything you could, we all did. Sometimes it just… it just isn’t enough.”
Derek knew better. He’d replayed the whole thing in his mind over and over again. Just a few minutes, maybe just a few seconds, and she’d be alive. He could have been there a few seconds earlier. If he’d only pushed himself a little harder…
“And you shouldn’t blame yourself,” Spencer was saying. “Derek, it wasn’t your fault. It was nobody’s fault but Doyle’s.”
“She should have told us, we could have protected her.” Derek got up and started pacing around the room.
“She was trying to protect us. You would have done the same, you know you would.” Spencer sounded hurt now, becoming aware that his words were the truth as he spoke them.
“No, I wouldn’t have. I would have trusted my team, I would have trusted you!”
Spencer swallowed hard. Their eyes met for a second.
“Do you?” he asked in a small voice. “Do you really trust me?”
“What is that supposed to mean? Of course I trust you, Spencer, you’re my boyfriend.”
Spencer got up and crossed his arms on his chest defensively. “But you don’t talk to me. I’ve told you how I feel about Emily being… gone, you haven’t. You say you’re hurting but then you act like everything’s okay and I’m the one who’s broken.”
“You’re one to talk!” retorted Derek. “Just how long did you wait before you told me about your headaches? Sometimes I wonder if you’d still told me if I hadn’t found those books on migraines.” Derek was shouting now, all the anger and fear he’s bottled up ready to explode. “What the hell were you waiting for?!”
Spencer winced at his raised voice, but held his ground. “I was scared! I didn’t want to think about it.” He took a deep breath to calm himself down and looked at Derek, trying to make him understand. “Telling you made it real.”
“I’m your boyfriend, for fuck’s sake!” Derek stepped closer to him and pushed him back against the wall, not hard enough to hurt him, but enough to tell Spencer he was beyond angry. Derek had never before used his strength against him, not like this, not in a threatening way. Spencer knew he wouldn’t really punch him, but it said something about how angry Derek was that he was so close to actually hurt him.
“Derek,” Spencer whispered, not even trying to break free from him. He didn’t add anything else. No You’re hurting me, or You’re scaring me, or Please let me go. Just his name. And Derek let go of his shoulders and stumbled back a few steps.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have.”
Spencer took a moment to calm himself down, then slowly closed the distance between them and reached out to touch his arm. “It’s okay,” he said.
Derek shrugged away from the touch and turned his back to him. “You should go now.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“It’s my house and I don’t want you here. You don’t trust me and you think that I don’t trust you, so what are we even doing together?” Derek faced him again and looked him in the eye. Serious.
Spencer tried to reach out a hand again, but Derek caught his wrist mid-air and pushed it away. Trying and failing not to feel hurt at the gesture, Spencer moved away from him.
“So what are you saying, that we’re over? It’s just a fight, Derek,” Spencer said. When they’d started dating, Derek had told him they would fight at some point, but he shouldn’t worry because it was what couples did; it didn’t mean he was going to end up alone. Only, apparently, now he was.
Derek had been angry before and he still was - but now he was thinking straight. It wasn’t the anger talking when he said they shouldn’t be together.
“It’s not just a fight. We’re over. Maybe we were never really together in the first place.”
“Fuck you, Derek!” Spencer said. He quickly got his jacket and his go-away bag and left.
Derek stood in the middle of his kitchen, thinking it was the first time he’d heard Spencer say ‘fuck’.
Yeah, because of course that was what mattered right now. He slammed his fist on the wooden table. Now he’d lost him too.
~
No one said a word at the office, but as soon as Derek and Spencer were in the same room it was clear to everybody that something was deeply wrong with their relationship. They acted very professionally, even worked together on the victimology and did a very good job at it. But they wouldn’t meet each other’s eye, they sat furthest away from each other than usual and they didn’t exchange any jokes or off topic remarks. They focused on the job and acted like they didn’t even know each other.
That they were a couple was no secret to the rest of the team, even though they’d never said it out loud. Hotch thought that as long as he didn’t officially know about it, he had no reason to worry about fraternization. It wasn’t like their relationship had even gotten in the way of their jobs. Except maybe for Derek wanting to break into a contaminated lab because Spencer was in there, but in the end he hadn’t and that was what mattered.
Now he could only hope they would make up, or at least manage not to let their break up affect their performance at work. It was hard enough without Emily.
He was watching Reid shoot a glance at Morgan’s back, wondering if it meant that it had been Morgan’s decision’s to break up, when his cell phone rang. New case, needed urgently in Indianapolis for the kidnapping of a 7-year-old.
Whatever was happening between his two agents, Hotch hoped an innocent kid wouldn’t have to suffer because of it.
Chapter 3: Bargaining