Meh
So I went down to Almonte/Ottawa this weekend with the fam to see more family. Main reason for this purpose was to see my Grandma who's been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I've never had a big problem with death, least as long as it's not untimely in fact the only death I've ever cried over was that of my first fish (It's never the right time for your first fish to die:(). After seeing my grandma well...I really wish she were dead right now. That probably sounds really terrible but the fate she has now is alot more terrible. She can barely eat as it's stomach cancer and she's incredibly nauseous prettymuch all the time so everyone is literally watching her waste away. Much worse than that though is the pills. She is on 8 different kinds of medication for various things, some cancer related others to help with the side effects of her cancer medication:S. She is also CONSTANTLY on morphine via a patch on her arm that is only to be taken off to be replaced. The effect of this is she is a fucking zombie. She ventured out of bed a few times to try and be grandmotherly and see the family and whatnot. She couldn't. She honestly just couldn't. She sat there at the kitchen table in a complete haze, she looked disoriented and she spent alot of her time sitting there with her eyes closed. I don't know if she even knew she was doing this. She doesn't really know what's going on anymore she's to damn drugged up. The worst part was when her eyes were open. When I looked into em I could see she didn't even wanna be alive anymore. The cancer is only going to get worse, the doses are only gonna get stronger, the doctors can prolong this suffering for a few years but her will to live sure as hell isn't gonna go up. There is no more reason for her to be alive anymore, she doesn't want to be and I don't think anyone wants to see her like this. There is no way I want to end up like this EVER under any circumstances. To reach a point where not only does life not seem bearable but that it's only going to get worse until it ends. My mind is made up more than ever. Soon as I hit 40 maybe 45 I am becoming a fucking pirate. They say it's better to burn out than fade away. I think this could also be applied to it's better to die in a blaze of glory than bedridden, decrepid and miserable. Yeh it's the pirates life for me.