FUCK!!!!
I am having such a headfuck. Things are going so god damn shittily right now. The worst part is I don't even have a single person I can talk to about this. Not one person I can actually relay my whole situation to. And it sucks cause I need to talk about this so badly. I feel like I'm going fucking crazy. I probably am. I just don't understand any of this. It's all just so wrong. I feel so dirty. And so betrayed by one of my best friends. And just so fucking...fuck. Like there's no way I can be happy anymore. It's not right with or without you. It used to be just fucking peachy with you. But now it's a fucking hollow shell of what it used to be and so am I, and I just can't figure out how or why. It's so god damned easy for you. It always is. And it fucking kills me inside to know that. It's fucking impossible for me and that just makes it even more fucked up. How can I possibly feel right about this. Clearly this isn't. No sane person would ever consent to this. What am I doing to myself. How can I fucking do this. Sadly I know what the answer is. As fucking miserable as it makes me to know all this, and it makes me really fucking miserable, those moments where I'm able to forget, just for a little bit are the happiest I've had in a really long time. But then there's the rest of my day. I just feel like a braindead zombie. I don't have the energy or the motivation to do anything. The only other thing I wanna do is drugs. Lots of em, cause they help me to forget. And I know that's fucking pathetic and I guess that's what this whole situation is. If it weren't for intoxicants though I feel like I'd be completely insane. I really just don't see any other release from it all. What else can you do when something weighs this heavily on your mind 24/7. If this is truely love than fuck love I wish I could just hate.