i'm pretending to finally be free

[just_bex]

my newest attack on death is hard to accept -
simple to stare at.
easy on the eyes.

the way the x's mark where a lover will never grace me
is the way i decided to cope.
the game was "who needs who" the worst.
i think i might have lost.

i'll never understand why i gave it everything i had
and, in the end,
it never even mattered.
i'll never comprehend why i begged and prayed for this to work
and, in the end,
it was never planning on it in the first place.

while part of me needs desperately to crawl into a cave of a grave,
(just to hide from sun and color and memories of us)
a bigger part of me hears and sees the good things we shared.

like how he told me he would never be so stupid and let me go ever again.
that even if he tried, i wouldn't let him.
that's true.
i shouldn't let him kick me out of his life again.
but i'm tired.
i have a fever.
i'm dizzy all the time.
i'm just needing a break from giving giving giving.

maybe it's time that someone takes care of me for a change.

open up your arms.
let me crawl inside your ribcage.
i'll find a place to curl up for awhile.
if you don't mind.