(no subject)

[just_below]

the walk seemed longer today than before
the air colder, though it could not touch me
could not affect me
could not deter me from anything
could not pull my mind away from the things that encircle

i wrapped myself in the dark, dead leaves
their colors have faded
as mine have faded
and where i used to feel a kinship to the fall
now i feel far away from the changes around me

the wind blew,
and i tried to grab on
and my hands fell through air
[what did i expect?]

i wanted to be carried away
[or maybe i did get carried away]
but when i opened my eyes
i was still standing there, alone

the scents of november are too faint to sense
nothing overlaps and nothing connects
and i'm not really here

and i wear a different face for everyone i meet
and not one of them is real
who do you want me to be today?

i want to be known
i want to care
i want to try

but all i do is pass through you
and slip under the radar
and disappear

because i was never real to you
or me
when the only constant is this feeling of loss
of something that i never had
a drop of water on my parched lips
before the fade began again

it doesnt matter who did what
or who is who
or what happened when
i just want now to stop being now and
for now to be a "remember when?"

to be years and miles from from here and now,
sitting on a porch
with matching gin & tonics
happily laughing about the past
when everything was So Important
and "oh, what silly kids we were..."
and "oh, i'm so glad we got through that..."

and the storm has to break
and the sun has to shine
and the warmth must return...

...mustnt it?

that notion keeps me awake and alive.

~*~