Wait

[just_being_me08]

Title: Wait

Rating: 15

Fandom: Assassin’s Creed

Pairing: Shaun/Desmond

Summary: Shaun doesn’t need anyone. But if he ever did need anyone at all, then it would be Desmond.

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Ubisoft and not me. Please don’t sue, my student loan won’t cover it. Lyrics belong to Earshot.

Author’s Notes: So I’m venturing out

Comments

Feedback

[yumearashi]

Welcome to the fandom! This was quite good - I'm guessing not your first piece of writing. I liked Shaun's characterization particularly. I can imagine that he's a person who never likes feeling weak, even though he uses his appearance to make people underestimate him. And I agree that he would take his responsibilities quite seriously (that high degree of perfectionism, never letting up until he's 100% satisfied), and be very hard on himself for any fatalities that happened on his watch.

Shaun is such a prickly little porcupine ^_^ Not admitting he cares, not admitting he's injured, lashing out when he's in pain, not wanting Desmond to care because that means something he doesn't want to think about. Just love how you've written him.

The sniping dialogue between Shaun and Des was very amusing, and the action scenes were well done (better than mine usually are ^_^). And the description "the frightful disaster that was Desmond" was quite funny ^_^

I did find a few typos:
- in his sleep depraved state (being sleep-deprived myself, this made me giggle)
- modern day assassin’s
- concrete beneath there feet
- as they make their way (I accidentally drop into present tense all the time too >.<)
- the route he had sent them one
- His voice tailed off
- It wasn’t you’re fault

Just a couple of random editing noted, if you would like (if not, feel free to disregard)

- "hearing the material be dropped ominously to the floor." Grammatically a little awkward, may I suggest 'hearing the material drop ominously...'?

- "his balance knocked slightly by the action" Feels like it's missing something, maybe use 'knocked off-center' or 'knocked off-kilter'?

- "hearing it clamber distantly to the floor." 'Clamber' means climb, you wanted the homonym 'clamor'. Although the idea of distantly hearing a steel pipe climbing to the floor is pretty funny ^_^

- "that was the first time Shaun became fully aware of the pipe now pressed firmly against his throat." 'the first time' implies that there are/were/will be other such times. Seeing as we hope that Shaun isn't often going to realize that he has a steel pipe shoved against his throat, may I suggest 'that was when Shaun became...'

"leave both men as decimated as the other." Another bit of grammatical awkwardness, you may prefer 'leave both men equally decimated'

"He blurted his mind a flurry of guilt, frustration and confusion." I guessing you missed a comma after 'blurted'? If not, you may want to clarify, since blurting a mind is something I can't make sense of (granted, I'm running on 5 hours' sleep ^.^;;)

I hope you will find this feedback useful, and thank you for sharing!

Re: Feedback

[just_being_me08]

Wow...first off can I just say thank you so much for the time you put into this comment! I assure you the time its taken me to reply doesn't reflect what it means to me. I really do appreciate the constructive criticism. :)

First off, I really am glad that you liked the idea of the story and the characterisations; as my first attempt at the fandom that was the bit that I was most determined to get right, but also the bit I was most worried about getting wrong. And I am glad that you liked the dialogue, since Shaun is such a strong character in terms of speech, and I really didn't want to lose that.

And thank you for the pointers on my grammar etc too. I'm quite experimental in how I write, and sometimes it works, and sometimes I produce sentences that make me cringe slightly when I reread them a few weeks later. And I definitely appreciate your thoughts! I'm trying to improve all the time, and as my day job is a scientist I am afraid my knowledge and experience with grammar does let me down every so often. So thank you, I will definitely bear what you've told me in mind. :)

Again, thanks so much. I feel very welcomed, and I'm glad you enjoyed my writing. :)

Re: Feedback

[yumearashi]

You are very welcome! Thank you for taking the concrit well - even when there's a specific request for it, I'm always a little worried that the recipient will get defensive ^.^;

I wouldn't feel bad about the experimental grammar ^o^ Grammar and spelling are things that anyone can improve. What makes a good writer is a real understanding of the characters and a desire to improve, and they can't be learned; a writer either has them or doesn't. You have both in spades, so I tip my hat to you ^o^ I hope to see more of your work in the future ^__^