Tales Of A Time Agency - 22 A/ 24
Title: Tales of A Time Agency - 22 A /24
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Jack/Ianto but it’s the Time Agency so expect Jack/John, Tosh/Owen, Ianto/John, Tosh/Mary, John/ OFC, John/the consenting population of the universe……
Spoilers: Anything Torchwood could be hinted at.
Summary: Ianto Jones is thrown into the world of excess of the Time Agency Academy, but will he sink or swim? In this chapter, Tosh and Owen are faced with a difficult realisation whilst Ianto finally receives the answers that he needs about his past…
Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though. I will take the credit for Telmaya though; I’m quite fond of her.
Author’s Notes: An epic TOATA this, so let’s just say that you have been warned. The series might be coming to an end but the chapters aren’t becoming any shorter that’s for sure! Anyway, as always I owe so much to the divine wisdom of my betas, thehubsitter and naddypants , who as always give me the confidence boost I need to post and keep on writing! And of course, a huge thanks to everyone who has stuck with me so far!
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five A
Chapter Five B
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight A
Chapter Eight B
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven A
Chapter Eleven B
Janto Interlude
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen A
Chapter Eighteen B
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty One
Written for my wonderful girls. For naddypants because of palm trees, mad conversations and for all the love she gives TOATA. For thehubsitter for always bringing a smile to my face and for her blind faith in me and rainforests. And to morgia , because she always wants me to write my very best. :)
“Don’t put your life in someone’s hands,
They’re bound to steal it away.
Don’t hide your mistakes,
‘cos they’ll find you, burn you.”
Every step closer seemed so much harder than the first.
The midday sun hovered in the sky, shining down on the green canopy of tree tops below them, giving the forest an almost ethereal glow. The air on mountain side was cooled, brisk, wind whipping around their bodies causing their clothing to flutter around them. They were tired already, their bodies exhausted from the half day’s walk it had taken for them to escape the forest’s clutches and start their way up the slope of the tall mountain that now dominated the scenery. Forgivingly the slope was gentle enough, and the genetic trace told them that Darko had not moved from the relative lowland that he seemed to reside in, meaning that they had not as far to climb as they had first thought. But the journey itself was not easy, the slopes of the mountain dominated by crags and outcrops of sharp rocks, which slowed them down further each time they had to stop to scramble over them. Loose shale skidded under foot, unbalancing them and causing them to stagger erratically, the soft chink of falling stones only aiding in unnerving them further against the quiet backdrop of the mountain. With every inch further Ianto could feel his body becoming heavier, a harder burden for him to carry and yet at the same time he knew that this feeling had nothing to do with his exhaustion. For he was feeling something else, an emotion that dominated his thoughts beyond all recognition. Fear….
His heart was beating harder in his chest throwing itself recklessly against his rib cage. His legs were heavy, the muscles feeling as if any second they would burst through his skin. Adrenaline was powering through him, a deep nauseous feeling rising from the pit of his stomach as he felt all his blood flow down to his legs, ready to either fight or fly. His head was swimming, unable to focus, the entire feeling mimicking that of him drowning in hyper vodka. Blood was pounding in his ears, sound barely able to penetrate his skull, deafening him to the alien noises that fell around him. He was falling, choking, panicking, glossy liquid pooling in front of his eyes, blurring the world from view...
Was he strong enough to do this?
“Ianto?” A concerned voice sounded above him, Jack jumping off the boulder that he had been perched on and suddenly appearing in front of his vision. His eyes were kind, comforting, a perfect contrast to the feelings now flurrying through Ianto’s system. “Yan?” Ianto opened his mouth to speak and yet he found his throat was too dry to answer. Firm hands took him by the shoulders, the blue of Jack’s eyes piercing his own. “Ianto…what’s wrong? Can you hear me?”
“I c-can’t do this.” The other cadet’s voice was soft, distant, diminishing out into the thin air around them quickly.
“You can.”
“I can’t.”
“Listen to me… You can.”
“And what happens if it all goes wrong?”
“Then it all goes wrong.” Jack nodded softly, although his eyes kept a harsh intensity. “If you don’t do this Yan…then you’re going to give up everything, the whole of the rest of your life to this man. Can you do that?”
“My whole life…” Ianto repeated breathlessly, although his vision was becoming more settled, the sparse scenery around him less blurred than before. “With you?”
“With me.” Jack smirked softly, his thumbs rubbing gentle trails over his collar bone. “See? I have my own selfish reasons for doing this now.”
“Yeah…” Ianto laughed gently, taking a deep breath inwards before biting his lip. “I’m sorry.”
“What for now?”
“For stopping… I was being weak, I just couldn’t see it.”
“You were panicking, not being weak.” Jack nodded quickly, clambering up the boulder he had previously been stood upon and offering his hand down to Ianto. “Come on…its not far now.” As Ianto took his hand he spoke softly, his grip tightening as he did so. “You can do this Ianto…I believe in you. You’re strong enough right?”
“Yeah.” Ianto replied with a determined tone, pulling himself up onto the rock to follow Jack. He didn’t want to release Jack’s hand as they began to walk further, but he knew that he should, swiftly letting his fingers slip from his grasp as they glanced upwards, surveying the scene around them.
“There…” Jack pointed up above them, to where a dark hole seemed to burrow right down into the mountain side. He quickly glanced at his wrist strap, his fingers pressing against a sequence of buttons before his gaze returned to Ianto. “That’s where we’re headed Yan…whatever’s going to happen to us, it’s going to happen in a cave.” He laughed, adding quickly. “Not quite what I had in mind.”
“Me neither.” Ianto replied, taking a hesitant step forward. “Are we close enough to scan for any other heat signals?”
“You mean for other people?” Jack’s concentration quickly returned to his wrist strap, fiddling with it again before he replied. “I’m registering the one humanoid life form.” He shrugged. “But at this distance I’d guess that the scan is about 60% accurate at the most.”
“Better than 50% I guess.” Ianto smiled weakly, waiting for Jack to join him by his side before moving again. “Optimism right?”
“Now you’re getting it.” Jack grinned, nudging him softly. “Let’s get this over with.” He gave him a softer smile, his hand squeezing Ianto’s arm gently as he beckoned him up the hill to follow him.
Ianto merely smiled in reply, focusing his thoughts on the one constant in his life. Jack. He’d been panicking there, drowning, his thoughts not his own, and yet as soon as Jack’s features had appeared in front of his own suddenly everything had come back under his control. How could one man’s presence do that? Calm him, soothe him, comfort him without him even trying? Why did Jack make him feel so safe? So cared for? Feel as if he’d follow Jack anywhere just so this feeling would not die? Despite the curiosity in his mind, Ianto felt wrong to question Jack’s effect upon him. After all, he was the best thing to happen to him in a very long time, and questioning him, well that just felt ungrateful.
One thing did console him. That night, the purpose of Ianto’s life would be resolved. He would have his answers and he would finally, after ten whole years, be able to lay the old Ianto Jones to rest, let him die and finally be with his family. But at least when that happened, Ianto could be certain of one thing. He had a new purpose, a new life; a new Ianto Jones had been forged during his time at TARA. And it had simply taken him this long to realise it…
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Get rid of it Tosh. Now.” Owen’s voice was bare, blunt, his fists clenched slightly as he sat on the bed, staring at the information now flickering across the far wall of his bedroom. “Your friend was selfish to give that to you.”
“What?!” Toshiko’s voice was shaking still, her hands quickly fumbling with her wrist strap and clicking out the data chip. She stared at the man she loved with disbelieving eyes, her features completely wrong footed by his reaction. “Did you listen to anything I just told you? Can’t you understand what’s happening here Owen? The magnitude of it?”
“Yes…I understand.” The medic grimaced, standing up swiftly and striding towards her. Wrenching her wrist painfully, he plucked the data chip from her hand, holding it up in front of both their faces. “Do you know what this could do to you?”
“Owen…”
“They could kill you too for this Toshiko!” He almost screamed at her, only remembering to lower his voice at the last possible second. “If they find you…with this information, then there’ll be a bullet through your skull quicker than you can even think of running away!” He swallowed hard, his eyes closing as he suddenly realised how tight his grip on Toshiko’s arm was, releasing it immediately and backing away. “God you’re so naïve. And I love you for it but please…just think…”
“Naïve?” Toshiko scoffed. “I know what they’re doing here Owen…what kind of operation they are running. How can I be naïve?”
“You know nothing!” Owen was unable to contain the anger in his voice this time, his eyes burning into Toshiko’s as he stared at her. He groaned quickly, rolling his eyes as he dropped the data chip to the floor, the heel of his boot crushing it as he spoke out again. “This is what you should have done as soon as you found it.”
“No!” Toshiko winced at the sudden cracking sound that rang out as the fine circuitry was lost forever. “That was the only evidence I had!”
“Evidence?” It was the medic’s turn to scoff, as he turned and sat down once again on the edge of his bed. “And who were you going to show it to?”
“Other cadet’s…other time agents. To anyone who would recognise how murderous this really is!”
“And you really think that the other time agents don’t know?”
“What?!”
“I’m a doctor Tosh…” Owen’s voice was quiet, his head resting in his hands as he spoke, his words muffled by the action. “Some of the thing’s I’ve seen…and you think that I wouldn’t know about this?”
“I don’t understand…”
“Then let me help you.” Owen laughed darkly, raising his head to look up at her. “You want to lose your innocence so badly, so let me take it from you.” He smiled a sickly smile. “One woman, Katie. She was a time agent, first class so she was out in the field when I met her. We started sleeping together, she was different…that attracted me. I was barely qualified at the time but we used to talk…she used to tell me that she hated the agency, that she wanted to leave and live a normal life.” He paused, grimacing, Toshiko suddenly realising that his hands were shaking. “You don’t leave the Time Agency - so they slit her throat for her. I had to do the autopsy…I had to lie about her death.” His voice began to waver with emotion. “Someone I cared about Tosh…and I had to cover up their murder.”
“How…how could you-”
“I was scared! For fuck’s sake…I’d barely left the academy! I didn’t want to die like her.”
“So you pretended it had never happened?”
“There was nothing else I could do. You don’t understand…as a cadet you are kept so ignorant, so naïve, so that if you leave it won’t matter, you wouldn’t be able to talk even if you wanted to.” He paused, chewing on his lip slightly. “But as soon as you qualify…everything changes. You see this dark world and there’s nothing you can do to get out of it.”
“There has to be something…you could leave, run away and not tell anyone -”
“And the Time Agency would just stamp my file with “Rogue” and send someone to kill me.” Owen sighed, his watery eyes meeting Toshiko’s. “They can trace my fucking DNA Tosh…there’s no where for me to go.”
“So you’ve just given up?!”
“No…I didn’t say that.”
“Then what the hell are you saying?”
“The Time Agency…it’s complicated. It’s dark, secretive, murderous…but… it still achieves some good. It brings order to some parts of the Universe where the galactic police can’t reach…”
“Yeah…martial law.” Toshiko bit her lip, waves of anguish, fear and anxiety all cascading through her system. “Why are you trying to justify the Time Agency, Owen? After what they’ve done?”
“Because it’s the only way I can look myself in the mirror some days.” He blinked, swallowing hard before continuing. “Like it or not Tosh…I’m a part of this, a part of the Agency. I’m partly to blame…”
“No!”
“Yes!” The medic shook his head quickly. “I covered up Katie’s death, and I’ve covered up those of other agents too. I’m the one who has to contact their families, who has to tell them that their son or daughter or partner died in the line of duty…and yet all the time I know that I am lying.”
“But how can you do that?”
“Do you think that they would like the truth better, Tosh? Like your friend, Ianto. Do you think he would prefer to think that his father had died doing what was right rather than being murdered?”
“But it’s a lie!”
“That doesn’t mean its wrong!” In one swift movement Owen was standing up, wide eyes glaring at Toshiko, his arms straining, fists so tight that his knuckles were almost pure white. “Sometimes knowing the truth destroys things.”
“Like us…” Toshiko paused, tears gathering in front of her vision as she looked her lover in the eye, feeling just as lost as he looked. “This truth has broken us hasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“When I asked you to leave with me before…a month ago, and you told me that you didn’t want to waste all your training…” She stopped, feeling her voice shake in her throat, and took in a determined breath before continuing, her words stronger this time. “It was a lie wasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“Because you were trying to protect me?”
“Because I love you, Tosh.”
“I love you too.” A single tear left her cheek, falling so quickly that it soon rolled down her face, onto her neck and pattered down onto her cadet’s tunic. “But I can’t stay here.”
“And I can’t leave.” Owen shook his head slowly, his body trembling. “I’m sorry…but now you understand why.”
“It’s not your fault.” Toshiko risked him a small smile, stepping forward and cradling his face with her right hand. “I wish I could stay with you…”
“No.” In a quick motion Owen’s hand shot upwards, gripping the hand on his face tight. “I want you to leave…get away from here.” He nodded softly, his voice weak. “I don’t want you to have to lie like me. You’re too honest for that Toshiko.”
“Too naïve?” She let out a soft laugh, her body desperately trying to disperse the tension in her heart, in the air around them and yet failing. Silent tears continued to flow down her face, falling unheard, uncared for, simply precursors to the hurt that was to come. “I won’t forget you.”
“You’ll want to.” The medic sighed weakly, pulling away from her and heading towards a cabinet beside his bed. Bending down he typed in a four digit code, before reaching into one of the drawers and producing a round, white plastic container, barely a centimetre in diameter. Returning to stand in front of Toshiko, he reached out, pushing the object into her left hand decisively. “Retcon.”
“What is it?”
“An amnesia drug.” He smiled weakly, his thumb smoothing a soft line across the skin of her hand. “There are two tablets. Take them both and there should be enough to make you forget everything, to forget TARA and just be left with the memories you had before you came here.”
“But…I don’t want ….” Toshiko whispered, her voice so soft it barely resonated out into the air, his eyes fixed intently on the little white container. “Do you want me to forget you?”
“No. But it won’t do you any good remembering.” He paused, his eyes searching hers for any kind of understanding, and finding only the deep sadness that was rocking his own soul so hard beneath his skin. “It’s the only thing I can give you.” He hadn’t the words, never mind the heart to say anything more, and so he leant forwards, pressing his lips to hers in a desperate move to feel them, just that one last time. Toshiko responded, her mouth melting into his, their tongues moving, caressing, responding to each other just as they had during the countless nights that they had shared. Before he could think of what he was doing, Owen was wrapping his arms tight around Toshiko’s body, drawing her close, his hands moving across her shoulders, her back, through her hair, mapping every single detail for all the lonely nights that lay ahead. When Toshiko succumbed to him fully, falling back onto his bed, Owen merely continued, his every caress and kiss of her skin deliberate, his mind imprinting every texture, every taste, every smell to his memories. He was frantic as he stripped her, as he stripped himself, his hands holding her hips so tightly to him as he pushed forwards into her that it almost felt like they would never part. He wanted to keep their pace slow as he lost his face within her dark hair, wanted to stay like that and just whisper nonsensical dreams into her ear. And yet his own passion, his own need stopped him, drove him on, causing him to thrust into her so deeply that her nails left deep marks within his skin. Marks that would fade all too soon, but with every fresh assault of them on his back, Owen was at least comforted that he would be granted one last memory of her. All too soon they were both coming, hard and fast, their voices ringing out into the deafening silence that surrounded them. There was so much left that Owen wanted to say, wanted to promise, wanted to explain, and yet he still could not find the means with which to say any of it. So instead he stayed silent, drawing Toshiko into his arms again and falling asleep with her, pushing all those fears far away.
Toshiko was gone when he woke up, the bed cold and empty beside him. He sat up silently, half of him feeling robbed of his chance to say goodbye and the other half feeling strangely thankful to have been denied something that would have torn his heart in two so suddenly. Now, his heart would still break, but it would be a slow, mounting pain, a stunted realisation of what he had lost. He just hoped that somehow that would be that little easier to bear.
Standing up, Owen glanced around his room, as if searching for any sign of Toshiko, any memories for him to cling to now that he felt so well and truly alone. He found none, apart from a small white container beside his bed. Opening it up in his right hand, Owen’s heart was stabbed with a sudden spear of pain when he realised that both Retcon tablets were there, untouched, untaken. The mere sight alone was enough to shatter him, force him to slide down onto the floor, his back resting against his bed whilst his knees rose up underneath his chin. Naked and alone, Owen pushed his face into his knees, hoping to muffle the sob that he knew was about to explode from his lips. And it did, a pure, primal scream, a sob so uncontrollable that he could only sit there and let it rumble through him, shake his very core and leave him numb to the rest of the world. He had not cried like this since Katie’s death.
For now he knew. Toshiko had refused the Retcon, had chosen to live her life remembering him, remembering everything of their time together. She was as doomed as he was to forever look to the past, regret it and forever wish that some how things could have happened differently. And in his heart, Owen had wanted to spare Toshiko that. After all, it would be better not to be remembered at all than to forever be a distant, haunting memory...
Click Here for Part B!
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Jack/Ianto but it’s the Time Agency so expect Jack/John, Tosh/Owen, Ianto/John, Tosh/Mary, John/ OFC, John/the consenting population of the universe……
Spoilers: Anything Torchwood could be hinted at.
Summary: Ianto Jones is thrown into the world of excess of the Time Agency Academy, but will he sink or swim? In this chapter, Tosh and Owen are faced with a difficult realisation whilst Ianto finally receives the answers that he needs about his past…
Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though. I will take the credit for Telmaya though; I’m quite fond of her.
Author’s Notes: An epic TOATA this, so let’s just say that you have been warned. The series might be coming to an end but the chapters aren’t becoming any shorter that’s for sure! Anyway, as always I owe so much to the divine wisdom of my betas, thehubsitter and naddypants , who as always give me the confidence boost I need to post and keep on writing! And of course, a huge thanks to everyone who has stuck with me so far!
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five A
Chapter Five B
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight A
Chapter Eight B
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven A
Chapter Eleven B
Janto Interlude
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen A
Chapter Eighteen B
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty One
Written for my wonderful girls. For naddypants because of palm trees, mad conversations and for all the love she gives TOATA. For thehubsitter for always bringing a smile to my face and for her blind faith in me and rainforests. And to morgia , because she always wants me to write my very best. :)
“Don’t put your life in someone’s hands,
They’re bound to steal it away.
Don’t hide your mistakes,
‘cos they’ll find you, burn you.”
Every step closer seemed so much harder than the first.
The midday sun hovered in the sky, shining down on the green canopy of tree tops below them, giving the forest an almost ethereal glow. The air on mountain side was cooled, brisk, wind whipping around their bodies causing their clothing to flutter around them. They were tired already, their bodies exhausted from the half day’s walk it had taken for them to escape the forest’s clutches and start their way up the slope of the tall mountain that now dominated the scenery. Forgivingly the slope was gentle enough, and the genetic trace told them that Darko had not moved from the relative lowland that he seemed to reside in, meaning that they had not as far to climb as they had first thought. But the journey itself was not easy, the slopes of the mountain dominated by crags and outcrops of sharp rocks, which slowed them down further each time they had to stop to scramble over them. Loose shale skidded under foot, unbalancing them and causing them to stagger erratically, the soft chink of falling stones only aiding in unnerving them further against the quiet backdrop of the mountain. With every inch further Ianto could feel his body becoming heavier, a harder burden for him to carry and yet at the same time he knew that this feeling had nothing to do with his exhaustion. For he was feeling something else, an emotion that dominated his thoughts beyond all recognition. Fear….
His heart was beating harder in his chest throwing itself recklessly against his rib cage. His legs were heavy, the muscles feeling as if any second they would burst through his skin. Adrenaline was powering through him, a deep nauseous feeling rising from the pit of his stomach as he felt all his blood flow down to his legs, ready to either fight or fly. His head was swimming, unable to focus, the entire feeling mimicking that of him drowning in hyper vodka. Blood was pounding in his ears, sound barely able to penetrate his skull, deafening him to the alien noises that fell around him. He was falling, choking, panicking, glossy liquid pooling in front of his eyes, blurring the world from view...
Was he strong enough to do this?
“Ianto?” A concerned voice sounded above him, Jack jumping off the boulder that he had been perched on and suddenly appearing in front of his vision. His eyes were kind, comforting, a perfect contrast to the feelings now flurrying through Ianto’s system. “Yan?” Ianto opened his mouth to speak and yet he found his throat was too dry to answer. Firm hands took him by the shoulders, the blue of Jack’s eyes piercing his own. “Ianto…what’s wrong? Can you hear me?”
“I c-can’t do this.” The other cadet’s voice was soft, distant, diminishing out into the thin air around them quickly.
“You can.”
“I can’t.”
“Listen to me… You can.”
“And what happens if it all goes wrong?”
“Then it all goes wrong.” Jack nodded softly, although his eyes kept a harsh intensity. “If you don’t do this Yan…then you’re going to give up everything, the whole of the rest of your life to this man. Can you do that?”
“My whole life…” Ianto repeated breathlessly, although his vision was becoming more settled, the sparse scenery around him less blurred than before. “With you?”
“With me.” Jack smirked softly, his thumbs rubbing gentle trails over his collar bone. “See? I have my own selfish reasons for doing this now.”
“Yeah…” Ianto laughed gently, taking a deep breath inwards before biting his lip. “I’m sorry.”
“What for now?”
“For stopping… I was being weak, I just couldn’t see it.”
“You were panicking, not being weak.” Jack nodded quickly, clambering up the boulder he had previously been stood upon and offering his hand down to Ianto. “Come on…its not far now.” As Ianto took his hand he spoke softly, his grip tightening as he did so. “You can do this Ianto…I believe in you. You’re strong enough right?”
“Yeah.” Ianto replied with a determined tone, pulling himself up onto the rock to follow Jack. He didn’t want to release Jack’s hand as they began to walk further, but he knew that he should, swiftly letting his fingers slip from his grasp as they glanced upwards, surveying the scene around them.
“There…” Jack pointed up above them, to where a dark hole seemed to burrow right down into the mountain side. He quickly glanced at his wrist strap, his fingers pressing against a sequence of buttons before his gaze returned to Ianto. “That’s where we’re headed Yan…whatever’s going to happen to us, it’s going to happen in a cave.” He laughed, adding quickly. “Not quite what I had in mind.”
“Me neither.” Ianto replied, taking a hesitant step forward. “Are we close enough to scan for any other heat signals?”
“You mean for other people?” Jack’s concentration quickly returned to his wrist strap, fiddling with it again before he replied. “I’m registering the one humanoid life form.” He shrugged. “But at this distance I’d guess that the scan is about 60% accurate at the most.”
“Better than 50% I guess.” Ianto smiled weakly, waiting for Jack to join him by his side before moving again. “Optimism right?”
“Now you’re getting it.” Jack grinned, nudging him softly. “Let’s get this over with.” He gave him a softer smile, his hand squeezing Ianto’s arm gently as he beckoned him up the hill to follow him.
Ianto merely smiled in reply, focusing his thoughts on the one constant in his life. Jack. He’d been panicking there, drowning, his thoughts not his own, and yet as soon as Jack’s features had appeared in front of his own suddenly everything had come back under his control. How could one man’s presence do that? Calm him, soothe him, comfort him without him even trying? Why did Jack make him feel so safe? So cared for? Feel as if he’d follow Jack anywhere just so this feeling would not die? Despite the curiosity in his mind, Ianto felt wrong to question Jack’s effect upon him. After all, he was the best thing to happen to him in a very long time, and questioning him, well that just felt ungrateful.
One thing did console him. That night, the purpose of Ianto’s life would be resolved. He would have his answers and he would finally, after ten whole years, be able to lay the old Ianto Jones to rest, let him die and finally be with his family. But at least when that happened, Ianto could be certain of one thing. He had a new purpose, a new life; a new Ianto Jones had been forged during his time at TARA. And it had simply taken him this long to realise it…
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Get rid of it Tosh. Now.” Owen’s voice was bare, blunt, his fists clenched slightly as he sat on the bed, staring at the information now flickering across the far wall of his bedroom. “Your friend was selfish to give that to you.”
“What?!” Toshiko’s voice was shaking still, her hands quickly fumbling with her wrist strap and clicking out the data chip. She stared at the man she loved with disbelieving eyes, her features completely wrong footed by his reaction. “Did you listen to anything I just told you? Can’t you understand what’s happening here Owen? The magnitude of it?”
“Yes…I understand.” The medic grimaced, standing up swiftly and striding towards her. Wrenching her wrist painfully, he plucked the data chip from her hand, holding it up in front of both their faces. “Do you know what this could do to you?”
“Owen…”
“They could kill you too for this Toshiko!” He almost screamed at her, only remembering to lower his voice at the last possible second. “If they find you…with this information, then there’ll be a bullet through your skull quicker than you can even think of running away!” He swallowed hard, his eyes closing as he suddenly realised how tight his grip on Toshiko’s arm was, releasing it immediately and backing away. “God you’re so naïve. And I love you for it but please…just think…”
“Naïve?” Toshiko scoffed. “I know what they’re doing here Owen…what kind of operation they are running. How can I be naïve?”
“You know nothing!” Owen was unable to contain the anger in his voice this time, his eyes burning into Toshiko’s as he stared at her. He groaned quickly, rolling his eyes as he dropped the data chip to the floor, the heel of his boot crushing it as he spoke out again. “This is what you should have done as soon as you found it.”
“No!” Toshiko winced at the sudden cracking sound that rang out as the fine circuitry was lost forever. “That was the only evidence I had!”
“Evidence?” It was the medic’s turn to scoff, as he turned and sat down once again on the edge of his bed. “And who were you going to show it to?”
“Other cadet’s…other time agents. To anyone who would recognise how murderous this really is!”
“And you really think that the other time agents don’t know?”
“What?!”
“I’m a doctor Tosh…” Owen’s voice was quiet, his head resting in his hands as he spoke, his words muffled by the action. “Some of the thing’s I’ve seen…and you think that I wouldn’t know about this?”
“I don’t understand…”
“Then let me help you.” Owen laughed darkly, raising his head to look up at her. “You want to lose your innocence so badly, so let me take it from you.” He smiled a sickly smile. “One woman, Katie. She was a time agent, first class so she was out in the field when I met her. We started sleeping together, she was different…that attracted me. I was barely qualified at the time but we used to talk…she used to tell me that she hated the agency, that she wanted to leave and live a normal life.” He paused, grimacing, Toshiko suddenly realising that his hands were shaking. “You don’t leave the Time Agency - so they slit her throat for her. I had to do the autopsy…I had to lie about her death.” His voice began to waver with emotion. “Someone I cared about Tosh…and I had to cover up their murder.”
“How…how could you-”
“I was scared! For fuck’s sake…I’d barely left the academy! I didn’t want to die like her.”
“So you pretended it had never happened?”
“There was nothing else I could do. You don’t understand…as a cadet you are kept so ignorant, so naïve, so that if you leave it won’t matter, you wouldn’t be able to talk even if you wanted to.” He paused, chewing on his lip slightly. “But as soon as you qualify…everything changes. You see this dark world and there’s nothing you can do to get out of it.”
“There has to be something…you could leave, run away and not tell anyone -”
“And the Time Agency would just stamp my file with “Rogue” and send someone to kill me.” Owen sighed, his watery eyes meeting Toshiko’s. “They can trace my fucking DNA Tosh…there’s no where for me to go.”
“So you’ve just given up?!”
“No…I didn’t say that.”
“Then what the hell are you saying?”
“The Time Agency…it’s complicated. It’s dark, secretive, murderous…but… it still achieves some good. It brings order to some parts of the Universe where the galactic police can’t reach…”
“Yeah…martial law.” Toshiko bit her lip, waves of anguish, fear and anxiety all cascading through her system. “Why are you trying to justify the Time Agency, Owen? After what they’ve done?”
“Because it’s the only way I can look myself in the mirror some days.” He blinked, swallowing hard before continuing. “Like it or not Tosh…I’m a part of this, a part of the Agency. I’m partly to blame…”
“No!”
“Yes!” The medic shook his head quickly. “I covered up Katie’s death, and I’ve covered up those of other agents too. I’m the one who has to contact their families, who has to tell them that their son or daughter or partner died in the line of duty…and yet all the time I know that I am lying.”
“But how can you do that?”
“Do you think that they would like the truth better, Tosh? Like your friend, Ianto. Do you think he would prefer to think that his father had died doing what was right rather than being murdered?”
“But it’s a lie!”
“That doesn’t mean its wrong!” In one swift movement Owen was standing up, wide eyes glaring at Toshiko, his arms straining, fists so tight that his knuckles were almost pure white. “Sometimes knowing the truth destroys things.”
“Like us…” Toshiko paused, tears gathering in front of her vision as she looked her lover in the eye, feeling just as lost as he looked. “This truth has broken us hasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“When I asked you to leave with me before…a month ago, and you told me that you didn’t want to waste all your training…” She stopped, feeling her voice shake in her throat, and took in a determined breath before continuing, her words stronger this time. “It was a lie wasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“Because you were trying to protect me?”
“Because I love you, Tosh.”
“I love you too.” A single tear left her cheek, falling so quickly that it soon rolled down her face, onto her neck and pattered down onto her cadet’s tunic. “But I can’t stay here.”
“And I can’t leave.” Owen shook his head slowly, his body trembling. “I’m sorry…but now you understand why.”
“It’s not your fault.” Toshiko risked him a small smile, stepping forward and cradling his face with her right hand. “I wish I could stay with you…”
“No.” In a quick motion Owen’s hand shot upwards, gripping the hand on his face tight. “I want you to leave…get away from here.” He nodded softly, his voice weak. “I don’t want you to have to lie like me. You’re too honest for that Toshiko.”
“Too naïve?” She let out a soft laugh, her body desperately trying to disperse the tension in her heart, in the air around them and yet failing. Silent tears continued to flow down her face, falling unheard, uncared for, simply precursors to the hurt that was to come. “I won’t forget you.”
“You’ll want to.” The medic sighed weakly, pulling away from her and heading towards a cabinet beside his bed. Bending down he typed in a four digit code, before reaching into one of the drawers and producing a round, white plastic container, barely a centimetre in diameter. Returning to stand in front of Toshiko, he reached out, pushing the object into her left hand decisively. “Retcon.”
“What is it?”
“An amnesia drug.” He smiled weakly, his thumb smoothing a soft line across the skin of her hand. “There are two tablets. Take them both and there should be enough to make you forget everything, to forget TARA and just be left with the memories you had before you came here.”
“But…I don’t want ….” Toshiko whispered, her voice so soft it barely resonated out into the air, his eyes fixed intently on the little white container. “Do you want me to forget you?”
“No. But it won’t do you any good remembering.” He paused, his eyes searching hers for any kind of understanding, and finding only the deep sadness that was rocking his own soul so hard beneath his skin. “It’s the only thing I can give you.” He hadn’t the words, never mind the heart to say anything more, and so he leant forwards, pressing his lips to hers in a desperate move to feel them, just that one last time. Toshiko responded, her mouth melting into his, their tongues moving, caressing, responding to each other just as they had during the countless nights that they had shared. Before he could think of what he was doing, Owen was wrapping his arms tight around Toshiko’s body, drawing her close, his hands moving across her shoulders, her back, through her hair, mapping every single detail for all the lonely nights that lay ahead. When Toshiko succumbed to him fully, falling back onto his bed, Owen merely continued, his every caress and kiss of her skin deliberate, his mind imprinting every texture, every taste, every smell to his memories. He was frantic as he stripped her, as he stripped himself, his hands holding her hips so tightly to him as he pushed forwards into her that it almost felt like they would never part. He wanted to keep their pace slow as he lost his face within her dark hair, wanted to stay like that and just whisper nonsensical dreams into her ear. And yet his own passion, his own need stopped him, drove him on, causing him to thrust into her so deeply that her nails left deep marks within his skin. Marks that would fade all too soon, but with every fresh assault of them on his back, Owen was at least comforted that he would be granted one last memory of her. All too soon they were both coming, hard and fast, their voices ringing out into the deafening silence that surrounded them. There was so much left that Owen wanted to say, wanted to promise, wanted to explain, and yet he still could not find the means with which to say any of it. So instead he stayed silent, drawing Toshiko into his arms again and falling asleep with her, pushing all those fears far away.
Toshiko was gone when he woke up, the bed cold and empty beside him. He sat up silently, half of him feeling robbed of his chance to say goodbye and the other half feeling strangely thankful to have been denied something that would have torn his heart in two so suddenly. Now, his heart would still break, but it would be a slow, mounting pain, a stunted realisation of what he had lost. He just hoped that somehow that would be that little easier to bear.
Standing up, Owen glanced around his room, as if searching for any sign of Toshiko, any memories for him to cling to now that he felt so well and truly alone. He found none, apart from a small white container beside his bed. Opening it up in his right hand, Owen’s heart was stabbed with a sudden spear of pain when he realised that both Retcon tablets were there, untouched, untaken. The mere sight alone was enough to shatter him, force him to slide down onto the floor, his back resting against his bed whilst his knees rose up underneath his chin. Naked and alone, Owen pushed his face into his knees, hoping to muffle the sob that he knew was about to explode from his lips. And it did, a pure, primal scream, a sob so uncontrollable that he could only sit there and let it rumble through him, shake his very core and leave him numb to the rest of the world. He had not cried like this since Katie’s death.
For now he knew. Toshiko had refused the Retcon, had chosen to live her life remembering him, remembering everything of their time together. She was as doomed as he was to forever look to the past, regret it and forever wish that some how things could have happened differently. And in his heart, Owen had wanted to spare Toshiko that. After all, it would be better not to be remembered at all than to forever be a distant, haunting memory...
Click Here for Part B!