Tales Of A Time Agency - 19/?
Title: Tales of A Time Agency - 19/?
Rating: 15 - NC-17
Pairings: Jack/Ianto but it’s the Time Agency so expect Jack/John, Tosh/Owen, Ianto/John, Tosh/Mary, John/ OFC, John/the consenting population of the universe……
Spoilers: Anything Torchwood could be hinted at.
Summary: Ianto Jones is thrown into the world of excess of the Time Agency Academy, but will he sink or swim? Especially when the enigmatic Jack Harkness starts looking his way…. In this chapter, John Hart re-establishes his humanity whilst a plan to find Darko Traven helps Ianto discover more about Jack Harkness.
Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though. I will take the credit for Telmaya though; I’m quite fond of her.
Author’s Notes: More TOATA again then, and it’s another one of these long chapters, I get carried away, I do apologise. Either way I have to mention a quick thank you to the every wonderful thehubsitter , my beta for this evening. The things that girl has to put up to. And of course to all of you who have stuck with TOATA. You are truly incredible. And of course, any comments you leave me, well I shall love you to bits for them, as you know. :)
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five A
Chapter Five B
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight A
Chapter Eight B
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven A
Chapter Eleven B
Janto Interlude
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen A
Chapter Eighteen B
Ok, so dedications then. To the fabulous naddypants , who has shot off to America and left me for a bit…and really needs to come back soon! I’m missing her! And to thehubsitter …obviously because well, she’s just amazing. How she has put up with me this long is incredible, and I adore her for it. And of course, to morgia , who will always be my big sis!
The silence was sharp, brittle, particles of the air held as if they might fragment at any moment. An interjecting light was rocketing into the room, columns of harsh energy ripping into his eyes. John sighed. He was alone. Again.
He wasn’t used to feeling so conflicted. Not like this anyway. He had always prided himself upon his simple life, straight forward, easy. He didn’t rely upon any rules, didn’t depend upon any barriers or boundaries with which to shape his life. John Hart drank when he wanted, shagged who he wanted and the beauty of it all was that he was never around long enough to see the consequences of his actions.
Except now, those consequences were living right there inside him. And for the first time in his life, John had no choice but to face them.
The consequences of what he had done to Jack were clear. The distance between them, the anger he had seen in Jack’s eyes, the bruises and broken bones still painfully with him. His physical state he could easily ignore, after all the pain that jabbed through his system was almost like a comforting friend, one who he was strangely used to. Yet his mental state, that was possible even harder to comprehend. He had given up trying to understand Jack’s feelings for Ianto, even more so he had given up trying to ascertain why he still cared so much about Jack in the first place. No, John Hart had more pressing matters on his mind, most of them stemming from that undeniably empty feeling when he had woken up that morning without Telmaya.
Maybe he had become strangely dependent upon her, or maybe she was his only form of stability for his mind to attach to right then. Or maybe, just maybe she was more than any of that.
He would be a liar if he let himself believe that he wasn’t capable of love. After all, he had loved once although this was the love of a son. The love of a boy who saw his mother as his only precious possession, saw as she was constantly beaten by his own father. He had vowed right then, all those years ago that he would somehow find a way of protecting her, even if he had to change himself in order to do that. But in doing so, John actually pushed his mother away, became a child that she no longer would recognise. One fateful morning they were both gone, a small pile of credits left purposefully on an empty table - the sole evidence of their existence. There were no photos, no notes, and no information to give him even a hint of where they were or why they had left him. It was the final thing to break John. He would no longer love, because that hadn’t even been enough to keep his own mother at his side.
This had been an affirmation of sorts, something that had indicated just how intolerable a human being John must have been to himself. It had taught him not to care, not to try and deny reality by showing the world a clearly transparent, empathising view of himself. After all, what was the point in hiding? In pretending otherwise?
And yet, in a few short days, Telmaya Xantir had begun to alter John’s perception of himself.
She had stood by him, she had been there, or at least she had been until then. Even when he had tried to push her away with his misguided pride, she had not let him. In fact with every distant comment and frustrated complaint, Telmaya had somehow pushed herself closer to him. He couldn’t remember the last time anyone had tried to do that, tried to bring themselves closer to him, no matter how hard he tried himself to stop them. And oddly it was a feeling that John liked. It made him feel valued, made him feel as if he did have some merit. Made him realise that maybe he was still human, that he did deep down deserve something more than what he had condemned himself to. But at the same time, this same thought terrified him.
He hadn’t changed. Sure, he was seeing things in a different light, but John wasn’t so naive to believe that deep down in his heart of hearts he could ever commit to one person. In abstract, the idea appealed to him, brought a smile to his features. Knowing that he might wake up most mornings with Telmaya next to him, not just because they had gotten drunk and collapsed into bed with each other, but because she wanted to be there - that was a happy thought. But what would happen when John got bored, when he would drift to someone else as he had always done in the past? He’d done it before, so surely he would quite easily do it again. What would that do to Telmaya? If she had invested everything in him like she so obviously wanted and yet he still went ahead and gave her nothing back in return. Somehow, John didn’t quite have the heart to break her in the same way he had been broken himself all those years ago.
Standing up, John took a step towards the large curved wall of glass that dominated the far side of his room. He leant forward against it, pressing a palm against the glass and looking out across Salvana. The sky was grey; the white buildings of the city tinted into much the same dull tone. A smattering of rain was beginning to spot against the glass, the clouds high above seemingly satisfied to drench all those who dashed idly through the streets below. Swallowing hard, John blinked hard, painfully flexing his injured wrist with a sharp intake of breath. Along side the pain, John found himself wishing for Telmaya to be there, to soothe him, to distract him from his thoughts, from his pain, from whatever other thoughts were flowing through him. But he knew that deep down he couldn’t have that. Telmaya had cared for him over the past few days, and now it was time for him to care for her. To distance himself, and let her move on with her life, and hopefully her affections.
Not because he didn’t want them, but because he didn’t want to hurt her. And so John Hart would use his newly awakened compassion to stop him doing that to her. His first selfless act since the day his parents had left him. For at least now, John had remembered that he had a human side to his personality.
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Ianto longed for the days when it no longer hurt to think.
The rapidly dampening air did not bother him in the slightest, even as it clung to his skin and chilled his mortal body. It wasn’t a heavy downpour, but more of a drenching curtain of water, raining down on to him and saturating his clothes. Everything was weighted, dulled around him, and yet Ianto did not give any of it any care. He just wanted to feel human again, no longer feel as if his world was spiralling out of control. In but a few hours, his life had changed, and still the only thing that he was able to cling to was he need for knowledge, his lust for revenge. And for Ianto, that was the worst part.
The bitter reflection that now looked him in the eye from the opposite window was one that filled him with a severe feeling of disdain.
Ripping his eyes from the glass, Ianto peered through the rain in Jack’s general direction, watching as he leant cockily against one of the supporting beams of the forecourt on which he stood. In front of him a grubby middle aged man was smiling back, wiping his hands sub consciously down his overalls as he listened. Ianto could tell by his shift in body language that he was obviously being receptive towards Jack’s advances. From where Ianto was stood, he could clearly see that Jack was pulling out every flirtatious stop, his hips at that irresistible angle that seemed to extend his abdomen perfectly whilst his head was tilted to the right slightly showing off his smile from the best possible angle. Ianto laughed softly to himself, the man never stood a chance.
The rain had begun to fall that evening, heavy and unforgiving, a foretelling for the coming day. And yet, the world outside meant nothing to Ianto, the weather was just as inevitable as it was pointless. He hadn’t left Jack’s room all day, had been sat in much the same position all afternoon, coiled up as if to shelter from the world. There were too many thoughts spiralling through his mind to venture outside, too many blurred morals and regrets for him to even speak. They were too loud, to over bearing. His world had changed far too quickly.
Yet Jack’s presence beside him had been as constant as it had been comforting. He had barely said a word to him since they found Darko’s files, and yet the strong arm around his shoulders had remained there for as long as it was needed. They had lain back on the bed, and even though Ianto himself had drifted off into the occasional restless slumber, he always woke up to the knowledge that Jack was still there, lying pensively beside him. He was sure that in many ways Jack’s presence was the one thing allowing him to cling onto his sanity in those charged and confusing few hours.
After what felt like an age, Jack got up, heading into the kitchen area and returning with a glass of purified water and some food. He smiled, holding them out to Ianto expectantly. “You need to eat, Yan.”
“I don’t feel like it.”
“Then force it down.” He smiled, sitting down beside Ianto again yet keeping his gaze on his determined. “You’re going to be no use to anyone like this.”
“Oh thanks.” The other cadet grunted as a reply, although he reached out and took the items from Jack slowly, taking a hesitant sip of the water. The cool liquid ran effortlessly down his throat, tearing with it some of the bitterness that he could taste in his mouth. He swallowed hard, before taking another sip and looking back to Jack. “You’re still not coming with me.”
“Oh really?” Jack laughed softly, his voice darker than he intended. “I told you, what I do with my life is my choice, not yours.”
“Not this time.”
“I would have thought that someone as perceptive as you would be able to work out which arguments they couldn’t win. Seems I was wrong.”
“Can’t you take this seriously Jack?” The stern tone of Ianto’s voice cut through them both. “Just for a minute, please.”
“I am being serious.” The other man nodded, shifting his position next to Ianto. “But you think you can do this alone…then fine. Tell me, what’s your next move?”
“I go find him.” Ianto rolled his eyes, taking a reluctant bite from the nutrition bar Jack had handed him. “I find transport and I follow the co-ordinates from the genetic mapping.”
“Ok…how?”
“I don’t know…find a ship somehow.”
“And when you find this Darko, what if he’s armed? Has men of his own? You’re just going to charge in there demanding answers? Ianto…you’ll be dead in seconds.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“Being dead won’t do you that much good.”
“I don’t care about myself.”
“Now there’s my main problem.” Jack smiled, reaching out and giving Ianto’s arm a brief and yet tight squeeze. “You might not care about yourself, but I do.” He waited until Ianto’s eyes met his before continuing. “And there’s no way in hell I’m letting you walk into that.”
“What if you get hurt?”
“I’ve been hurt before.” Jack shrugged quickly. “Besides if we do this together we both might make it out alive.”
“And if we don’t.”
“I’m guessing it would be over so quick that that wouldn’t really be an issue.”
“I’m not going to be able to get rid of you am I?” Ianto’s voice was tinged with a softer edge now, even if he tried to deny it.
“In short, no. I’m a sticking around type of guy.”
“Typical.” Ianto sighed with another quick roll of his eyes. “That doesn’t solve our other problems though Jack.”
“And what are they?”
“Transport for a start.”
“Ahhhhh….” Jack gave him a confident wink. “One step ahead of you there.” Quickly, he lifted up his arm, pressing a series of buttons on his wrist strap and waiting until a blue projection of a map appeared in front of them both, the different planets and stars oscillating distinctively. “A friend of mine, guy called Cozen, runs a smuggling freighter from just outside of Salvana. Illegal of course, but the Time Agency gets their fair share of bonuses out of him so they don’t pay him any attention. But my point is that his freighters leave Adronax Minor and head for the Altinium Cluster.” He paused pointing to a small cluster of orbiting planets with his finger. “Top speed and the journey there takes about a week.”
“And this helps us how?”
“Think Yan.” Jack sighed quickly before tracing his finger towards a smaller planet. “Darko’s genetic map tells us he’s on Bryce - 7. From what I can see a small change of course and Bryce - 7 could easily be en route to the Altinium Cluster.”
“And this ‘friend’ of yours, he’d do that for us?”
“Cozen would do anything for the right price.” Jack smirked softly. “The right number of credits and a couple of my charms and he’ll be putty in our hands. Believe me.”
“And can we trust him?”
“Like I said, the right amount of money and trust is easily bought.” He laughed. “Besides, who could double cross me eh?”
“I’m not sure. How do you know him Jack?”
“Let’s just say I was a very attractive freshie when I joined TARA.” Jack said quickly, tucking his arms behind his head and lying back. He glanced at Ianto uneasily, sensing the nervousness of his body language. “We met in a bar alright? Before I found Poseidon. I was an easy lay myself back then. He got quite attached to me, gave me some work after the first year of training finished. Not a bad way of making money.”
“It was illegal Jack.”
“It was what I had to do.” Jack retorted quickly, almost defensive. “You think I saw myself working smuggling freighters when I joined TARA? I needed the money, I had nothing back then.”
“I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have judged.”
“It’s fine. The point is this is the only shot I think we have of doing this.”
“But when Jack? We can’t just leave TARA.”
“No…we can’t. Not now anyway.” Jack nodded softly. “In just under a month’s time, you’ll experience what we call ‘shore leave’ around here. Two weeks where the Agency permit us to leave Adronax Minor and go visit the loved ones we have left behind.” He snapped shut his wrist strap casing decisively. “That’s when we leave. We hitch a ride on a freighter, we find Darko and then we hitch a ride straight back again. We end this Ianto.”
“Together?”
“Together.”
Ianto knew that it was too late for second thoughts as he glanced idly around the deserted alleyway in which he was stood. It was a side of Salvana that he had never seen, the smooth elegant white buildings replaced by blocky tall structures, their once white walls tarnished into a darker grey. A harsh wind was blowing through the streets, as if trying in vain to clear them of all the empty cigarette canisters and other refuse that littered the pavement around Ianto’s feet. He shuddered, pulling up the collar of his tunic in order to shield his neck from the wind and rain. He wanted to leave, to be warm and no longer feel so out of place in these alien surroundings. Quickly he glanced over his shoulder, back to Jack, anxious to see whether or not he had finished talking to Cozen. The sight he saw was not one that he was prepared for. Jack, his Jack somehow wound up in an awkward embrace with the smuggler, his dirty hands all over him. Ianto balled his fists tighter as he watched the man lean down and kiss Jack, one hand gripping his hair so tightly that his knuckles were white and strained. It made him want to scream, jealousy and anger building within his system in equal measure. How Jack could let himself be treated that way, how his Jack had suddenly become so submissive puzzled Ianto immediately. It made him wonder, made him think back and try to work out just what kind of man Jack Harkness had been when he had joined TARA himself.
“300 credits and he’s all ours.” Jack was suddenly stood behind him, one hand resting on his shoulder, shaking Ianto from his thoughts. The older cadet seemed to notice the look of surprise on his face, quickly giving him a questioning look. “You ok Yan?”
“Fine…I…” Ianto searched for the right words. “What else did you promise him?”
“I didn’t.”
“You let him kiss you.”
“To seal the deal.” Jack grinned, although he did reach up and wipe at his mouth as he said so. “To keep him sweet, nothing more.”
“You’re sure?”
“Getting a little possessive aren’t you?” Jack tried to laugh, although he could sense Ianto’s meaning completely. “Believe me Yan, it’s finished. Money has just as much power as sex in this world, maybe even more.” He gave his shoulder a quick nudge before striding off down the alleyway. “Are you coming?”
Ianto nodded and began to move after him, watching his purposeful steps as he did so. He hated all the questions, all the new information and uncertainty running through his skull. And yet, through all that, one thing seemed to be clear. Somehow he had become almost dependent on Jack, almost needed him there to guide him. He wasn’t sure when it had first started but somewhere in there friendship Ianto Jones had begun to follow Jack Harkness.
And he knew perfectly well that he would never get bored of doing so either…
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Alcohol and painkillers. Mixed together it was one voracious cocktail.
One that was becoming increasingly more of a favourite in John Hart’s life.
In all fairness, he was convinced he no longer needed the painkillers the doctor had prescribed to him. The pain in his wrist was bearable, the pain in his ribs subsiding, and truth be told John had experienced much worse. But he liked how the combination of hyper vodka and painkillers numbed his world. He liked how it sent his brain off into a deep haze and stopped his thought processes before they could even begin. It made him feel neither alive or dead, simply existing. Existing and surviving through a world of blindingly colour and deep, hard groans of bass tones.
It was by pure chance that John looked up, his eyes meeting with a pair of pretty purple eyes barely a few metres across from his in the crowded room. It was by pure chance that he paused long enough to register who they belonged to; remember the rolling locks of dark black hair and the pale complexion that he found so attractive. It was also pure chance that the one time he had ventured into another club aside from Poseidon, that Telmaya Xantir had done much the same thing.
If ever there was a time to believe in fate, John Hart believed whole heartedly that this was it.
Telmaya wasn’t sure what had brought her to the bar that night. Whether it was her need for distraction, or simply her routine, she had found herself downing hyper vodka before she really even thought about what she was doing. The bitter liquid was harsh against the tissue of her throat, and it was helping much as a distraction either. Every single shot was making her less inhibited, making her head lose control of her heart and tempting her to go and find him. Even if all her logic told her that by that time of night he would have found someone else with which to amuse him with. The one thing she had not been prepared for however was seeing his face in the club that night. It had been the last thing she had wanted to happen. And yet it had filled her with a strange form of happiness too.
“All alone?” A thick, almost smarmy voice sounded in her ear, and Telmaya tilted her head to take in it’s owner. He was tall, blonde and robust, his weighty hand already resting on her naked shoulder as he spoke. His hair was tousled, a large scar scraping down one cheek as he looked at her with his piercing green eyes. He leant in closer, his hot breath tickling across her face, laced with the fumes of hyper vodka. “Now who would leave a pretty thing like you by yourself eh?”
“I’m fine thanks.” She sighed quickly shrugging off his hand. “I don’t need to be here with anyone.”
“I beg to differ sweetheart.” Grinning, the man moved his hand down her back, sending a shudder through her body. “A girl like you in a place like this? It’s not safe.”
“I told you…” She paused, giving him a frustrated smile. “I’m fine.”
“Still…bet you’d like someone to protect you eh?”
“I don’t need anyone.”
“All women say that, they don’t mean it.” His arm slinked round her waist, pulling him into him. “I’d look after you. You wouldn’t regret.”
“Look…” She spat, trying desperately to wriggle from his grip. “I’m not interested, alright?”
“Shame that isn’t it? Because I’m interested in you.”
“Too bad.” Spinning round quickly she jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow, winding him instantly. “I’d learn the meaning of no if I were you.”
“You trying to make a fool out of me?” The man grunted, his reflexes quicker than Telmaya anticipated as he grabbed her wrist, twisting her arm behind her back and pulling her against him again. He tilted his head, whispering deliberately into her ear. “I’ll give you a hint shall I? What I want, I get right?”
“You’re not getting me.”
“The way I see it, you don’t have much choice in the matter, do you beautiful?” He sneered, twisting her arm again and causing her to yelp out in pain. “Now that we’re all comfortable…you and me are leaving. Clear?”
“I’m not going anywhere with you! Let go of me!” She thrashed around in his grip desperately, although she knew deep down in her heart of hearts that even her training didn’t overcome the advantage of brute strength he had over her. She was rewarded with another sharp twist to her arm, almost wrenching it from its socket agonisingly.
“Now why would I do that?” He sneered. “Though I’d stop moving if I were you, you won’t be much use to me broken.”
“Let…go-”
“Or what beautiful? Not in much of a position to argue are y-” The man didn’t see the fist that hit him squarely in the jaw coming, and neither did Telmaya. She felt the impact of it though, heard the sudden thud as it made contact with his jaw, throwing him off balance, dazed, to the floor. The lights around her twirled and glistened in confusion as she found herself being pulled backwards, the grip on her wrist still tight as the man’s body fell. Falling heavily on top of him, Telmaya felt the man’s arm twist and contort underneath a deep groan of pain leaving his battered lip as she did so.
“Are you ok?” John was reaching down, pulling her upwards and supporting her lower back with his other arm. He looked at her, concern written all across his features as his grip sub consciously tightened on her body.
“Yeah….you….” She took in a deep breath, gathering her bearings. “Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it.” John smirked quickly, before moving his attentions to the man lying on the floor. He surveyed him quickly, before lunging forward and planting a heavy kick to his ribs, the crack of the impact sounding out to join the thud of music around them. He moved to kick him again, but Telmaya quickly intervened, grabbing his wrist and attempting to pull him outside. She had seen him almost be beaten to a pulp one too many times to let it happen again.
Outside in the cold air, they both walked in silence. Neither knew what to say, or what to do, so instead they both solemnly sucked on a cigarette each, their gazes on the blackened horizon and never on each other. John’s thoughts were moving so quickly through his brain that he could no longer understand them, whilst unbeknownst to him Telmaya’s were doing the same, rushing through memories of their entire relationship up until that point, trying to make sense of it all whilst her heart still beat so frantically in her chest. She knew that she would have to be the first to speak again, knew that as much as they both tried to ignore it, somehow they would need to talk.
“Thanks…again, for helping me.” She sighed quickly, coming to a stand still and taking in a deep anxious breath of smoke. “You didn’t have to.”
“I did.”
“I’ve seen you before John.” She laughed weakly. “Standing up for women has never been something you’ve done readily.”
“Yeah…well….” He coughed slightly, sucking on his own cigarette long and hard. “I owed you one didn’t I?”
“What?”
“You were there for me weren’t you? So I had to do the same for you.”
“Is that what this is about? Paying me back for helping you?”
“No. Not when you make it sound like that.”
“Then why John? Why help me?”
“What do you want me to say Tel?” He blurted out suddenly, his voice louder than he intended, shocking them both. “I can’t think straight and all you want from me are fucking answers.”
“No John.” She replied quickly, tossing away her cigarette quickly and finally looking him in the eye. “What I want from you is the truth.”
“The truth?” He scoffed quickly, breathing in more smoke from his cigarette before continuing. “What makes you think the truth is any simpler?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I know what you want from me Tel. But I can’t give it to you alright? I never will be able to give it to you.”
“So you do know.” She sighed, running a nervous hand through her hair. “I never expected anything John…it’s ok, really. You don’t feel the same about me and you can’t help that.”
“Don’t!” Throwing his own cigarette away, John took a step forward, his hands gripping her shoulders. “Don’t put words in my mouth for me. That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what do you mean?”
“Take a good long look at me Tel. What do you see?”
“John…I don’t understand…”
“Exactly.” He laughed darkly. “I don’t know how, but you think I’m someone I’m not. You think I am worth caring about, worth something. Look at me Tel! I have nothing. Nothing to even offer you. My life revolves around sex, or violence, or a combination of the two. I like breaking people, I like seeing how far I can push them until they can’t take it anymore. You saw what I did to Jack. That’s what I do Tel. The whole point of my existence is that I have given up caring.”
“And do you care about me?”
“What have I just said?”
“That doesn’t answer my question John.” She bit her lip as she awaited his answer, her eyes searching his.
“I…yes. I care about you. Which is why I can’t let you in. If I do, I’ll just end up breaking you like everyone else. You don’t…deserve that.”
“Do you know what I think? Do you know what I see?”
“What?”
“You asked me what I saw of you. And what I see is someone lost. Someone who believes he deserves nothing because that’s all he has been given. Someone who feels worthless because he never lets anyone in close enough to tell him otherwise.” She stepped forwards, taking his hand tentatively in hers. “I’m not justifying anything you’ve done. But to me John, you’re still human. You still deserve something.”
“I’m not a good person Tel…”
“And who is?” She shrugged softly. “Jack Harkness beats you in Poseidon and yet he still goes home to be loved by that freshie. No one is definitively good or bad. And you’re capable of so much more John.”
“Really?” He laughed weakly, not quite meeting her eye. “Like what?”
“Tonight. You could have left the club, but you didn’t, you helped me. If you weren’t capable of good then you would have left me without a second thought.” She squeezed his hand tighter. “Even now you’re trying to protect me, by keeping me away right?”
“Yeah…”
“If you didn’t have some good in you, then protecting me wouldn’t even occur to you. You’d just use me without thinking about how I feel.” Her hand moved up his body, cradling his face. “I’m not saying that you’ve changed John.”
“I haven’t.”
“I’m just saying that you could.” She smiled weakly, stroking her thumb across his skin. “Deep down you care; you just have to remember that.”
He could have blamed the cocktail of drugs and alcohol in his body for the steady thump of his heart when Telmaya uttered those words, but John knew that if he did he would be lying. After all, he knew that once, a long time ago he had cared. He cared about himself, about his life, about his mother. Over time he had lost sight of all that, but that never meant that his capability to care was dead, it was just buried, tucked far away in his psyche. Over the years he had taught himself to ignore his heart, and yet now Telmaya was attempting to teach him to at least remember that deep down he had a heart somewhere. The emotions raging through his mind were all so conflicting, and yet at the same time they felt oddly right. He wasn’t sure if he could change, wasn’t sure if he had reached a point of no return a long time ago. But over the last few days, he had at least begun to look at life differently, and that alone was worth fighting for.
So he kissed her. Because even though he had vowed to protect Telmaya, he had now made a new vow to himself. A vow to at least give himself one last chance. A chance to change…
Ok, long chapter, most likely filled with many clichés. I am afraid I fell into the writer’s trap of writing far too much of my favourite character John, but still what did you think? As always, your comments mean so so much to me. So let me know. :) But of course, you’ve read this far, and I am truly thankful for that!
Just being Me
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Click Here For Chapter 20!!!
Rating: 15 - NC-17
Pairings: Jack/Ianto but it’s the Time Agency so expect Jack/John, Tosh/Owen, Ianto/John, Tosh/Mary, John/ OFC, John/the consenting population of the universe……
Spoilers: Anything Torchwood could be hinted at.
Summary: Ianto Jones is thrown into the world of excess of the Time Agency Academy, but will he sink or swim? Especially when the enigmatic Jack Harkness starts looking his way…. In this chapter, John Hart re-establishes his humanity whilst a plan to find Darko Traven helps Ianto discover more about Jack Harkness.
Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though. I will take the credit for Telmaya though; I’m quite fond of her.
Author’s Notes: More TOATA again then, and it’s another one of these long chapters, I get carried away, I do apologise. Either way I have to mention a quick thank you to the every wonderful thehubsitter , my beta for this evening. The things that girl has to put up to. And of course to all of you who have stuck with TOATA. You are truly incredible. And of course, any comments you leave me, well I shall love you to bits for them, as you know. :)
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five A
Chapter Five B
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight A
Chapter Eight B
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven A
Chapter Eleven B
Janto Interlude
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen A
Chapter Eighteen B
Ok, so dedications then. To the fabulous naddypants , who has shot off to America and left me for a bit…and really needs to come back soon! I’m missing her! And to thehubsitter …obviously because well, she’s just amazing. How she has put up with me this long is incredible, and I adore her for it. And of course, to morgia , who will always be my big sis!
The silence was sharp, brittle, particles of the air held as if they might fragment at any moment. An interjecting light was rocketing into the room, columns of harsh energy ripping into his eyes. John sighed. He was alone. Again.
He wasn’t used to feeling so conflicted. Not like this anyway. He had always prided himself upon his simple life, straight forward, easy. He didn’t rely upon any rules, didn’t depend upon any barriers or boundaries with which to shape his life. John Hart drank when he wanted, shagged who he wanted and the beauty of it all was that he was never around long enough to see the consequences of his actions.
Except now, those consequences were living right there inside him. And for the first time in his life, John had no choice but to face them.
The consequences of what he had done to Jack were clear. The distance between them, the anger he had seen in Jack’s eyes, the bruises and broken bones still painfully with him. His physical state he could easily ignore, after all the pain that jabbed through his system was almost like a comforting friend, one who he was strangely used to. Yet his mental state, that was possible even harder to comprehend. He had given up trying to understand Jack’s feelings for Ianto, even more so he had given up trying to ascertain why he still cared so much about Jack in the first place. No, John Hart had more pressing matters on his mind, most of them stemming from that undeniably empty feeling when he had woken up that morning without Telmaya.
Maybe he had become strangely dependent upon her, or maybe she was his only form of stability for his mind to attach to right then. Or maybe, just maybe she was more than any of that.
He would be a liar if he let himself believe that he wasn’t capable of love. After all, he had loved once although this was the love of a son. The love of a boy who saw his mother as his only precious possession, saw as she was constantly beaten by his own father. He had vowed right then, all those years ago that he would somehow find a way of protecting her, even if he had to change himself in order to do that. But in doing so, John actually pushed his mother away, became a child that she no longer would recognise. One fateful morning they were both gone, a small pile of credits left purposefully on an empty table - the sole evidence of their existence. There were no photos, no notes, and no information to give him even a hint of where they were or why they had left him. It was the final thing to break John. He would no longer love, because that hadn’t even been enough to keep his own mother at his side.
This had been an affirmation of sorts, something that had indicated just how intolerable a human being John must have been to himself. It had taught him not to care, not to try and deny reality by showing the world a clearly transparent, empathising view of himself. After all, what was the point in hiding? In pretending otherwise?
And yet, in a few short days, Telmaya Xantir had begun to alter John’s perception of himself.
She had stood by him, she had been there, or at least she had been until then. Even when he had tried to push her away with his misguided pride, she had not let him. In fact with every distant comment and frustrated complaint, Telmaya had somehow pushed herself closer to him. He couldn’t remember the last time anyone had tried to do that, tried to bring themselves closer to him, no matter how hard he tried himself to stop them. And oddly it was a feeling that John liked. It made him feel valued, made him feel as if he did have some merit. Made him realise that maybe he was still human, that he did deep down deserve something more than what he had condemned himself to. But at the same time, this same thought terrified him.
He hadn’t changed. Sure, he was seeing things in a different light, but John wasn’t so naive to believe that deep down in his heart of hearts he could ever commit to one person. In abstract, the idea appealed to him, brought a smile to his features. Knowing that he might wake up most mornings with Telmaya next to him, not just because they had gotten drunk and collapsed into bed with each other, but because she wanted to be there - that was a happy thought. But what would happen when John got bored, when he would drift to someone else as he had always done in the past? He’d done it before, so surely he would quite easily do it again. What would that do to Telmaya? If she had invested everything in him like she so obviously wanted and yet he still went ahead and gave her nothing back in return. Somehow, John didn’t quite have the heart to break her in the same way he had been broken himself all those years ago.
Standing up, John took a step towards the large curved wall of glass that dominated the far side of his room. He leant forward against it, pressing a palm against the glass and looking out across Salvana. The sky was grey; the white buildings of the city tinted into much the same dull tone. A smattering of rain was beginning to spot against the glass, the clouds high above seemingly satisfied to drench all those who dashed idly through the streets below. Swallowing hard, John blinked hard, painfully flexing his injured wrist with a sharp intake of breath. Along side the pain, John found himself wishing for Telmaya to be there, to soothe him, to distract him from his thoughts, from his pain, from whatever other thoughts were flowing through him. But he knew that deep down he couldn’t have that. Telmaya had cared for him over the past few days, and now it was time for him to care for her. To distance himself, and let her move on with her life, and hopefully her affections.
Not because he didn’t want them, but because he didn’t want to hurt her. And so John Hart would use his newly awakened compassion to stop him doing that to her. His first selfless act since the day his parents had left him. For at least now, John had remembered that he had a human side to his personality.
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Ianto longed for the days when it no longer hurt to think.
The rapidly dampening air did not bother him in the slightest, even as it clung to his skin and chilled his mortal body. It wasn’t a heavy downpour, but more of a drenching curtain of water, raining down on to him and saturating his clothes. Everything was weighted, dulled around him, and yet Ianto did not give any of it any care. He just wanted to feel human again, no longer feel as if his world was spiralling out of control. In but a few hours, his life had changed, and still the only thing that he was able to cling to was he need for knowledge, his lust for revenge. And for Ianto, that was the worst part.
The bitter reflection that now looked him in the eye from the opposite window was one that filled him with a severe feeling of disdain.
Ripping his eyes from the glass, Ianto peered through the rain in Jack’s general direction, watching as he leant cockily against one of the supporting beams of the forecourt on which he stood. In front of him a grubby middle aged man was smiling back, wiping his hands sub consciously down his overalls as he listened. Ianto could tell by his shift in body language that he was obviously being receptive towards Jack’s advances. From where Ianto was stood, he could clearly see that Jack was pulling out every flirtatious stop, his hips at that irresistible angle that seemed to extend his abdomen perfectly whilst his head was tilted to the right slightly showing off his smile from the best possible angle. Ianto laughed softly to himself, the man never stood a chance.
The rain had begun to fall that evening, heavy and unforgiving, a foretelling for the coming day. And yet, the world outside meant nothing to Ianto, the weather was just as inevitable as it was pointless. He hadn’t left Jack’s room all day, had been sat in much the same position all afternoon, coiled up as if to shelter from the world. There were too many thoughts spiralling through his mind to venture outside, too many blurred morals and regrets for him to even speak. They were too loud, to over bearing. His world had changed far too quickly.
Yet Jack’s presence beside him had been as constant as it had been comforting. He had barely said a word to him since they found Darko’s files, and yet the strong arm around his shoulders had remained there for as long as it was needed. They had lain back on the bed, and even though Ianto himself had drifted off into the occasional restless slumber, he always woke up to the knowledge that Jack was still there, lying pensively beside him. He was sure that in many ways Jack’s presence was the one thing allowing him to cling onto his sanity in those charged and confusing few hours.
After what felt like an age, Jack got up, heading into the kitchen area and returning with a glass of purified water and some food. He smiled, holding them out to Ianto expectantly. “You need to eat, Yan.”
“I don’t feel like it.”
“Then force it down.” He smiled, sitting down beside Ianto again yet keeping his gaze on his determined. “You’re going to be no use to anyone like this.”
“Oh thanks.” The other cadet grunted as a reply, although he reached out and took the items from Jack slowly, taking a hesitant sip of the water. The cool liquid ran effortlessly down his throat, tearing with it some of the bitterness that he could taste in his mouth. He swallowed hard, before taking another sip and looking back to Jack. “You’re still not coming with me.”
“Oh really?” Jack laughed softly, his voice darker than he intended. “I told you, what I do with my life is my choice, not yours.”
“Not this time.”
“I would have thought that someone as perceptive as you would be able to work out which arguments they couldn’t win. Seems I was wrong.”
“Can’t you take this seriously Jack?” The stern tone of Ianto’s voice cut through them both. “Just for a minute, please.”
“I am being serious.” The other man nodded, shifting his position next to Ianto. “But you think you can do this alone…then fine. Tell me, what’s your next move?”
“I go find him.” Ianto rolled his eyes, taking a reluctant bite from the nutrition bar Jack had handed him. “I find transport and I follow the co-ordinates from the genetic mapping.”
“Ok…how?”
“I don’t know…find a ship somehow.”
“And when you find this Darko, what if he’s armed? Has men of his own? You’re just going to charge in there demanding answers? Ianto…you’ll be dead in seconds.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“Being dead won’t do you that much good.”
“I don’t care about myself.”
“Now there’s my main problem.” Jack smiled, reaching out and giving Ianto’s arm a brief and yet tight squeeze. “You might not care about yourself, but I do.” He waited until Ianto’s eyes met his before continuing. “And there’s no way in hell I’m letting you walk into that.”
“What if you get hurt?”
“I’ve been hurt before.” Jack shrugged quickly. “Besides if we do this together we both might make it out alive.”
“And if we don’t.”
“I’m guessing it would be over so quick that that wouldn’t really be an issue.”
“I’m not going to be able to get rid of you am I?” Ianto’s voice was tinged with a softer edge now, even if he tried to deny it.
“In short, no. I’m a sticking around type of guy.”
“Typical.” Ianto sighed with another quick roll of his eyes. “That doesn’t solve our other problems though Jack.”
“And what are they?”
“Transport for a start.”
“Ahhhhh….” Jack gave him a confident wink. “One step ahead of you there.” Quickly, he lifted up his arm, pressing a series of buttons on his wrist strap and waiting until a blue projection of a map appeared in front of them both, the different planets and stars oscillating distinctively. “A friend of mine, guy called Cozen, runs a smuggling freighter from just outside of Salvana. Illegal of course, but the Time Agency gets their fair share of bonuses out of him so they don’t pay him any attention. But my point is that his freighters leave Adronax Minor and head for the Altinium Cluster.” He paused pointing to a small cluster of orbiting planets with his finger. “Top speed and the journey there takes about a week.”
“And this helps us how?”
“Think Yan.” Jack sighed quickly before tracing his finger towards a smaller planet. “Darko’s genetic map tells us he’s on Bryce - 7. From what I can see a small change of course and Bryce - 7 could easily be en route to the Altinium Cluster.”
“And this ‘friend’ of yours, he’d do that for us?”
“Cozen would do anything for the right price.” Jack smirked softly. “The right number of credits and a couple of my charms and he’ll be putty in our hands. Believe me.”
“And can we trust him?”
“Like I said, the right amount of money and trust is easily bought.” He laughed. “Besides, who could double cross me eh?”
“I’m not sure. How do you know him Jack?”
“Let’s just say I was a very attractive freshie when I joined TARA.” Jack said quickly, tucking his arms behind his head and lying back. He glanced at Ianto uneasily, sensing the nervousness of his body language. “We met in a bar alright? Before I found Poseidon. I was an easy lay myself back then. He got quite attached to me, gave me some work after the first year of training finished. Not a bad way of making money.”
“It was illegal Jack.”
“It was what I had to do.” Jack retorted quickly, almost defensive. “You think I saw myself working smuggling freighters when I joined TARA? I needed the money, I had nothing back then.”
“I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have judged.”
“It’s fine. The point is this is the only shot I think we have of doing this.”
“But when Jack? We can’t just leave TARA.”
“No…we can’t. Not now anyway.” Jack nodded softly. “In just under a month’s time, you’ll experience what we call ‘shore leave’ around here. Two weeks where the Agency permit us to leave Adronax Minor and go visit the loved ones we have left behind.” He snapped shut his wrist strap casing decisively. “That’s when we leave. We hitch a ride on a freighter, we find Darko and then we hitch a ride straight back again. We end this Ianto.”
“Together?”
“Together.”
Ianto knew that it was too late for second thoughts as he glanced idly around the deserted alleyway in which he was stood. It was a side of Salvana that he had never seen, the smooth elegant white buildings replaced by blocky tall structures, their once white walls tarnished into a darker grey. A harsh wind was blowing through the streets, as if trying in vain to clear them of all the empty cigarette canisters and other refuse that littered the pavement around Ianto’s feet. He shuddered, pulling up the collar of his tunic in order to shield his neck from the wind and rain. He wanted to leave, to be warm and no longer feel so out of place in these alien surroundings. Quickly he glanced over his shoulder, back to Jack, anxious to see whether or not he had finished talking to Cozen. The sight he saw was not one that he was prepared for. Jack, his Jack somehow wound up in an awkward embrace with the smuggler, his dirty hands all over him. Ianto balled his fists tighter as he watched the man lean down and kiss Jack, one hand gripping his hair so tightly that his knuckles were white and strained. It made him want to scream, jealousy and anger building within his system in equal measure. How Jack could let himself be treated that way, how his Jack had suddenly become so submissive puzzled Ianto immediately. It made him wonder, made him think back and try to work out just what kind of man Jack Harkness had been when he had joined TARA himself.
“300 credits and he’s all ours.” Jack was suddenly stood behind him, one hand resting on his shoulder, shaking Ianto from his thoughts. The older cadet seemed to notice the look of surprise on his face, quickly giving him a questioning look. “You ok Yan?”
“Fine…I…” Ianto searched for the right words. “What else did you promise him?”
“I didn’t.”
“You let him kiss you.”
“To seal the deal.” Jack grinned, although he did reach up and wipe at his mouth as he said so. “To keep him sweet, nothing more.”
“You’re sure?”
“Getting a little possessive aren’t you?” Jack tried to laugh, although he could sense Ianto’s meaning completely. “Believe me Yan, it’s finished. Money has just as much power as sex in this world, maybe even more.” He gave his shoulder a quick nudge before striding off down the alleyway. “Are you coming?”
Ianto nodded and began to move after him, watching his purposeful steps as he did so. He hated all the questions, all the new information and uncertainty running through his skull. And yet, through all that, one thing seemed to be clear. Somehow he had become almost dependent on Jack, almost needed him there to guide him. He wasn’t sure when it had first started but somewhere in there friendship Ianto Jones had begun to follow Jack Harkness.
And he knew perfectly well that he would never get bored of doing so either…
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Alcohol and painkillers. Mixed together it was one voracious cocktail.
One that was becoming increasingly more of a favourite in John Hart’s life.
In all fairness, he was convinced he no longer needed the painkillers the doctor had prescribed to him. The pain in his wrist was bearable, the pain in his ribs subsiding, and truth be told John had experienced much worse. But he liked how the combination of hyper vodka and painkillers numbed his world. He liked how it sent his brain off into a deep haze and stopped his thought processes before they could even begin. It made him feel neither alive or dead, simply existing. Existing and surviving through a world of blindingly colour and deep, hard groans of bass tones.
It was by pure chance that John looked up, his eyes meeting with a pair of pretty purple eyes barely a few metres across from his in the crowded room. It was by pure chance that he paused long enough to register who they belonged to; remember the rolling locks of dark black hair and the pale complexion that he found so attractive. It was also pure chance that the one time he had ventured into another club aside from Poseidon, that Telmaya Xantir had done much the same thing.
If ever there was a time to believe in fate, John Hart believed whole heartedly that this was it.
Telmaya wasn’t sure what had brought her to the bar that night. Whether it was her need for distraction, or simply her routine, she had found herself downing hyper vodka before she really even thought about what she was doing. The bitter liquid was harsh against the tissue of her throat, and it was helping much as a distraction either. Every single shot was making her less inhibited, making her head lose control of her heart and tempting her to go and find him. Even if all her logic told her that by that time of night he would have found someone else with which to amuse him with. The one thing she had not been prepared for however was seeing his face in the club that night. It had been the last thing she had wanted to happen. And yet it had filled her with a strange form of happiness too.
“All alone?” A thick, almost smarmy voice sounded in her ear, and Telmaya tilted her head to take in it’s owner. He was tall, blonde and robust, his weighty hand already resting on her naked shoulder as he spoke. His hair was tousled, a large scar scraping down one cheek as he looked at her with his piercing green eyes. He leant in closer, his hot breath tickling across her face, laced with the fumes of hyper vodka. “Now who would leave a pretty thing like you by yourself eh?”
“I’m fine thanks.” She sighed quickly shrugging off his hand. “I don’t need to be here with anyone.”
“I beg to differ sweetheart.” Grinning, the man moved his hand down her back, sending a shudder through her body. “A girl like you in a place like this? It’s not safe.”
“I told you…” She paused, giving him a frustrated smile. “I’m fine.”
“Still…bet you’d like someone to protect you eh?”
“I don’t need anyone.”
“All women say that, they don’t mean it.” His arm slinked round her waist, pulling him into him. “I’d look after you. You wouldn’t regret.”
“Look…” She spat, trying desperately to wriggle from his grip. “I’m not interested, alright?”
“Shame that isn’t it? Because I’m interested in you.”
“Too bad.” Spinning round quickly she jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow, winding him instantly. “I’d learn the meaning of no if I were you.”
“You trying to make a fool out of me?” The man grunted, his reflexes quicker than Telmaya anticipated as he grabbed her wrist, twisting her arm behind her back and pulling her against him again. He tilted his head, whispering deliberately into her ear. “I’ll give you a hint shall I? What I want, I get right?”
“You’re not getting me.”
“The way I see it, you don’t have much choice in the matter, do you beautiful?” He sneered, twisting her arm again and causing her to yelp out in pain. “Now that we’re all comfortable…you and me are leaving. Clear?”
“I’m not going anywhere with you! Let go of me!” She thrashed around in his grip desperately, although she knew deep down in her heart of hearts that even her training didn’t overcome the advantage of brute strength he had over her. She was rewarded with another sharp twist to her arm, almost wrenching it from its socket agonisingly.
“Now why would I do that?” He sneered. “Though I’d stop moving if I were you, you won’t be much use to me broken.”
“Let…go-”
“Or what beautiful? Not in much of a position to argue are y-” The man didn’t see the fist that hit him squarely in the jaw coming, and neither did Telmaya. She felt the impact of it though, heard the sudden thud as it made contact with his jaw, throwing him off balance, dazed, to the floor. The lights around her twirled and glistened in confusion as she found herself being pulled backwards, the grip on her wrist still tight as the man’s body fell. Falling heavily on top of him, Telmaya felt the man’s arm twist and contort underneath a deep groan of pain leaving his battered lip as she did so.
“Are you ok?” John was reaching down, pulling her upwards and supporting her lower back with his other arm. He looked at her, concern written all across his features as his grip sub consciously tightened on her body.
“Yeah….you….” She took in a deep breath, gathering her bearings. “Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it.” John smirked quickly, before moving his attentions to the man lying on the floor. He surveyed him quickly, before lunging forward and planting a heavy kick to his ribs, the crack of the impact sounding out to join the thud of music around them. He moved to kick him again, but Telmaya quickly intervened, grabbing his wrist and attempting to pull him outside. She had seen him almost be beaten to a pulp one too many times to let it happen again.
Outside in the cold air, they both walked in silence. Neither knew what to say, or what to do, so instead they both solemnly sucked on a cigarette each, their gazes on the blackened horizon and never on each other. John’s thoughts were moving so quickly through his brain that he could no longer understand them, whilst unbeknownst to him Telmaya’s were doing the same, rushing through memories of their entire relationship up until that point, trying to make sense of it all whilst her heart still beat so frantically in her chest. She knew that she would have to be the first to speak again, knew that as much as they both tried to ignore it, somehow they would need to talk.
“Thanks…again, for helping me.” She sighed quickly, coming to a stand still and taking in a deep anxious breath of smoke. “You didn’t have to.”
“I did.”
“I’ve seen you before John.” She laughed weakly. “Standing up for women has never been something you’ve done readily.”
“Yeah…well….” He coughed slightly, sucking on his own cigarette long and hard. “I owed you one didn’t I?”
“What?”
“You were there for me weren’t you? So I had to do the same for you.”
“Is that what this is about? Paying me back for helping you?”
“No. Not when you make it sound like that.”
“Then why John? Why help me?”
“What do you want me to say Tel?” He blurted out suddenly, his voice louder than he intended, shocking them both. “I can’t think straight and all you want from me are fucking answers.”
“No John.” She replied quickly, tossing away her cigarette quickly and finally looking him in the eye. “What I want from you is the truth.”
“The truth?” He scoffed quickly, breathing in more smoke from his cigarette before continuing. “What makes you think the truth is any simpler?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I know what you want from me Tel. But I can’t give it to you alright? I never will be able to give it to you.”
“So you do know.” She sighed, running a nervous hand through her hair. “I never expected anything John…it’s ok, really. You don’t feel the same about me and you can’t help that.”
“Don’t!” Throwing his own cigarette away, John took a step forward, his hands gripping her shoulders. “Don’t put words in my mouth for me. That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what do you mean?”
“Take a good long look at me Tel. What do you see?”
“John…I don’t understand…”
“Exactly.” He laughed darkly. “I don’t know how, but you think I’m someone I’m not. You think I am worth caring about, worth something. Look at me Tel! I have nothing. Nothing to even offer you. My life revolves around sex, or violence, or a combination of the two. I like breaking people, I like seeing how far I can push them until they can’t take it anymore. You saw what I did to Jack. That’s what I do Tel. The whole point of my existence is that I have given up caring.”
“And do you care about me?”
“What have I just said?”
“That doesn’t answer my question John.” She bit her lip as she awaited his answer, her eyes searching his.
“I…yes. I care about you. Which is why I can’t let you in. If I do, I’ll just end up breaking you like everyone else. You don’t…deserve that.”
“Do you know what I think? Do you know what I see?”
“What?”
“You asked me what I saw of you. And what I see is someone lost. Someone who believes he deserves nothing because that’s all he has been given. Someone who feels worthless because he never lets anyone in close enough to tell him otherwise.” She stepped forwards, taking his hand tentatively in hers. “I’m not justifying anything you’ve done. But to me John, you’re still human. You still deserve something.”
“I’m not a good person Tel…”
“And who is?” She shrugged softly. “Jack Harkness beats you in Poseidon and yet he still goes home to be loved by that freshie. No one is definitively good or bad. And you’re capable of so much more John.”
“Really?” He laughed weakly, not quite meeting her eye. “Like what?”
“Tonight. You could have left the club, but you didn’t, you helped me. If you weren’t capable of good then you would have left me without a second thought.” She squeezed his hand tighter. “Even now you’re trying to protect me, by keeping me away right?”
“Yeah…”
“If you didn’t have some good in you, then protecting me wouldn’t even occur to you. You’d just use me without thinking about how I feel.” Her hand moved up his body, cradling his face. “I’m not saying that you’ve changed John.”
“I haven’t.”
“I’m just saying that you could.” She smiled weakly, stroking her thumb across his skin. “Deep down you care; you just have to remember that.”
He could have blamed the cocktail of drugs and alcohol in his body for the steady thump of his heart when Telmaya uttered those words, but John knew that if he did he would be lying. After all, he knew that once, a long time ago he had cared. He cared about himself, about his life, about his mother. Over time he had lost sight of all that, but that never meant that his capability to care was dead, it was just buried, tucked far away in his psyche. Over the years he had taught himself to ignore his heart, and yet now Telmaya was attempting to teach him to at least remember that deep down he had a heart somewhere. The emotions raging through his mind were all so conflicting, and yet at the same time they felt oddly right. He wasn’t sure if he could change, wasn’t sure if he had reached a point of no return a long time ago. But over the last few days, he had at least begun to look at life differently, and that alone was worth fighting for.
So he kissed her. Because even though he had vowed to protect Telmaya, he had now made a new vow to himself. A vow to at least give himself one last chance. A chance to change…
Ok, long chapter, most likely filled with many clichés. I am afraid I fell into the writer’s trap of writing far too much of my favourite character John, but still what did you think? As always, your comments mean so so much to me. So let me know. :) But of course, you’ve read this far, and I am truly thankful for that!
Just being Me
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