The Sweetest Torture - Dare to Hope
Authors Notes: This is our first ever co-written fic series- so please bear this in mind! This series will eventually use the idea of the Seven Deadly Sins, and will contain alternating view points of Jack and Ianto (which basically means one of us is writing Jack, and one of us is writing Ianto). Here, can we also add, this is NOT a Gwen/Jack fic, and never will be. Please note, in this particular fic, KKBB never occurred. This entire series can be found on both of our journals, throughout, and will be cross-posted.
2nd_toshiko: Jackxianto, Torchwoodslash, Torch_wood.
Just_being_me08: Jantolution, Torchwoodcoffee, Torchwood_fic.
Chapter One: Eternal Recurrence
Chapter Two: Wrath of the Betrayed
Chapter Three: A Vengeful World
Christ it hurts.
Its hurts so fucking much.
I love him.
I love him and its killing me.
Why did it have to be her, Jack? Why not anyone else? If you had to do this, why her? Why someone you care about? You’re angry with me, livid, but why this? Why didn’t you just shoot me? Stab me? Kill me? Nothing could hurt as much as this. I wish I was dead, and then I couldn’t see this. I wouldn’t have a heart to feel it……
“Oh Ianto…….I-” Gwen murmured, jumping as she finally noticed him in the corner. “Last night, I was upset. Jack let me stay here…….away from Rhys, you know…..” She stuttered her eyes lost.
“Don’t lie to me Gwen.”
“Ianto…..please……”
“Don’t.” His eyes were pleading rather than angry as Ianto turned away, unable to look her in the eye. “Please, Gwen, just don’t.”
“Nothing happened, Ianto.” He heard her blurt out behind him. “I swear to you.” He sighed, blinking away frozen tears. Her voice was dripping with guilt.
Ianto found himself walking up to the tourist office, his heart so heavy that every step felt like it needed every fibre of his being to move. He felt suffocated, warm air forcing its way out of his throat through his teeth. He needed to get out. He needed to breathe.
Bracing himself against the railing by the harbour, Ianto found himself looking out onto the water, its stillness calming the burning in his lungs. His head felt fuzzy and disorientated from the sudden rush of air, causing him to grab onto the railing to support his weight, his knuckles white from his tight grip. It didn’t matter; he had very little feeling left…
There’s something romantic about water. The way it laps at the land like the way you consciousness laps away at your memories. Every so often you get a backwash, the past flashing in the wrong direction before your eyes. You see all the splendour of your life, all the great moments washed in by the tide like drift wood. Ianto could see Jack in front of his mind’s eye, the first time they had met, neck bleeding from what should have been a fatal wound. He could see Jack’s face close to his; almost feel his arms around his body as they lay together. And then he could see the memories that weren’t his, his imagination a typhoon flooding his mind. Jack kissing Gwen, his hands roaming her body, his mouth moaning in the way it did when he and Ianto together. It no longer mattered how he felt. Jack’s feelings were gone, lost in a sea of emotion.
I wish I was lost, without hope or any thoughts to torment me. The memories burn inside my head, they sting in my synapses, blur my vision with fire. I want to put it out, to submerge my brain beneath the waves, feel as the sea pulls me under. I don’t want to remember him anymore if this is how it feels, if this is how everything that I hoped for will survive within me. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, how things were supposed to happen. He was supposed to come back to me and I would love him the same as I always had, like I do now. But I was never supposed to be so lost, so lonely that I needed to replace him. I was never supposed to feel so angry, never supposed to want to tear him in two and then spend my life pulling the pieces back together. We were never destined to be like this. Not to be so pained, so irate, so abandoned. We believed in love once, it was something that we hoped for, put our faith in, believed in so much that you could almost reach out and touch it. But love was a false god, and now that god has shunned us. He’ll never return.
“Ianto?” For the second time that morning, Ianto heard his name spoken hoarsely in disbelief. Except this time, the voice cut into him so deep that he could feel his nerves tingle with every passing second. He span round, his eyes meeting with stormier blue, red circles surrounding the Captain’s eyes. His shirt was stained, his face pale and harassed. He looked so old. “Ianto please……. Will you let me talk?” Jack’s eyes reached out to Ianto, begging with him, tugging at his emotions so much that he could only nod, his gaze fixed on Jack’s watery blue eyes. “God knows, I love you Yan……..you’re my……..my everything………what can I do to show you that?” Jack stuttered, his voice shaking in time with his body as he inched towards Ianto.
“Jack…….there’s……..it’s too…….it’s all wrong Jack. Everything.” Ianto found himself stammering in return, not able to control himself as Jack gently put his arms around his back, resting his chin on his shoulder.
“Nothing is wrong Yan, we can fix it………fix it all. Everything we’ve done, it can all be gone.” Ha paused, stroking the back of the younger man’s neck. “I never wanted to leave you Ianto.”
“Then why did you?!” Ianto almost sobbed, words blurting out of his mouth in a blur.
“I had no choice……..I wanted to fix myself, I wanted to make myself mortal again, so I could live, so I could die with you.”
“Jack-”
“I love you Yan, I can’t tell you enough. The words have been on my tongue every second we’ve been apart. And Sephy, I know that things have been difficult-” Ianto’s emotions were so shredded that even he didn’t know what he was feeling anymore, except that something inside him suddenly snapped at the sound of those words.
Difficult? How could he ever imagine how Ianto had felt?
“You left me Jack! You never told me anything, you could have been dead, lost, stranded, ANYTHING!” The words forced their way out of the Welshman’s mouth, his legs forcing him to back away from Jack’s embrace. “If you loved me so much, why couldn’t you tell me? Leave me something behind to tell me to keep hoping!”
“I never had the chance!” Jack’s voice almost screamed, his voice full of pain as his eyes searched Ianto’s for any love he could grab on to. “The Doctor doesn’t stay here for long; I had to follow him before he left me again!”
“So you love him more than me? Admit it Jack, you’re so obsessed with him that I don’t matter anymore.”
“No!” Jack howled his face red with compassion. “No Yan…..God……I love you. Please….”
“Is that what you told Gwen last night?!” Ianto’s lungs ached for air as he felt more and more words hurl out of his mouth, taking with him what felt like his last shreds of humanity. “Did you tell her you loved her while you undressed, while you forgot about me?!”
“Have you told Sephy that you love her?!” Jack spat back. “Does she know that she’s replaced me? Does she like how that feels?!”
“Why did you come back?” Ianto’s voice fell, panting for breath. “You should have stayed with your precious Doctor. It was better when I thought you were dead.”
"I came back for you!" Jack screamed, his hands tearing at his hair. Ianto had never heard he voice so loud, so desperate before. It was as if his soul was being torn to pieces before his very eyes. “I never knew how much I wanted, how much I needed you until we were apart. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. How could you forget me like this?!”
“Forget you?! You’re still in my fucking head, Jack Harkness. You always have been! Fuck knows, I’ve tried to get you out, but I can’t do it.” Ianto stopped, eyes blazing and heart pounding. There was so much he needed to say, so much that he needed to yell before he could ever forgive Jack, ever forget what he had done. But he couldn’t. His words had drained him like life force, he had nothing left.
“Why are we doing this Yan?” Jack groaned softly, his eyes succumbing; face relaxing with each fresh breath. “Why are we torturing ourselves?”
“Because I know that I can’t forgive you right now.” Ianto paused, holding back tears. “And I hate myself for that Jack.”
And then Ianto ran, he ran from what he wanted, he ran from what he was scared of, and more importantly he ran away from who he was. He hated the fact that he couldn’t forgive Jack, that he couldn’t forget how he had felt, so alone, for all those months. It had been a lifetime for him, and Ianto loathed his Captain for that.
So he retreated to the only place he felt safe, felt free from the rest of Torchwood, the archives. Amongst the dust and the forgotten names, filed onto paper and stowed away in case some day they demanded attention, Ianto found his release. Slumping against one of the walls, he was able to cry, to let the emotion sob out of his tears and they flowed down his face. Tears that had been stale in his eyes for too long. Tears that had been trapped in his heart, throwing themselves against the walls like livid prisoners. He’d been working to silence them for so long, and now, now he could finally let them go.
Suddenly, above him, there was a screech of an alarm, an ancient red light shining into life above him. The sudden light made his body jolt, throwing tears from his face.
Something was coming through the Rift.
So what did you think of this chapter? Comments are adored, and will result in a following chapter.
Chapter Five, If He Loves Me Not
2nd_toshiko: Jackxianto, Torchwoodslash, Torch_wood.
Just_being_me08: Jantolution, Torchwoodcoffee, Torchwood_fic.
Chapter One: Eternal Recurrence
Chapter Two: Wrath of the Betrayed
Chapter Three: A Vengeful World
Christ it hurts.
Its hurts so fucking much.
I love him.
I love him and its killing me.
Why did it have to be her, Jack? Why not anyone else? If you had to do this, why her? Why someone you care about? You’re angry with me, livid, but why this? Why didn’t you just shoot me? Stab me? Kill me? Nothing could hurt as much as this. I wish I was dead, and then I couldn’t see this. I wouldn’t have a heart to feel it……
“Oh Ianto…….I-” Gwen murmured, jumping as she finally noticed him in the corner. “Last night, I was upset. Jack let me stay here…….away from Rhys, you know…..” She stuttered her eyes lost.
“Don’t lie to me Gwen.”
“Ianto…..please……”
“Don’t.” His eyes were pleading rather than angry as Ianto turned away, unable to look her in the eye. “Please, Gwen, just don’t.”
“Nothing happened, Ianto.” He heard her blurt out behind him. “I swear to you.” He sighed, blinking away frozen tears. Her voice was dripping with guilt.
Ianto found himself walking up to the tourist office, his heart so heavy that every step felt like it needed every fibre of his being to move. He felt suffocated, warm air forcing its way out of his throat through his teeth. He needed to get out. He needed to breathe.
Bracing himself against the railing by the harbour, Ianto found himself looking out onto the water, its stillness calming the burning in his lungs. His head felt fuzzy and disorientated from the sudden rush of air, causing him to grab onto the railing to support his weight, his knuckles white from his tight grip. It didn’t matter; he had very little feeling left…
There’s something romantic about water. The way it laps at the land like the way you consciousness laps away at your memories. Every so often you get a backwash, the past flashing in the wrong direction before your eyes. You see all the splendour of your life, all the great moments washed in by the tide like drift wood. Ianto could see Jack in front of his mind’s eye, the first time they had met, neck bleeding from what should have been a fatal wound. He could see Jack’s face close to his; almost feel his arms around his body as they lay together. And then he could see the memories that weren’t his, his imagination a typhoon flooding his mind. Jack kissing Gwen, his hands roaming her body, his mouth moaning in the way it did when he and Ianto together. It no longer mattered how he felt. Jack’s feelings were gone, lost in a sea of emotion.
I wish I was lost, without hope or any thoughts to torment me. The memories burn inside my head, they sting in my synapses, blur my vision with fire. I want to put it out, to submerge my brain beneath the waves, feel as the sea pulls me under. I don’t want to remember him anymore if this is how it feels, if this is how everything that I hoped for will survive within me. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, how things were supposed to happen. He was supposed to come back to me and I would love him the same as I always had, like I do now. But I was never supposed to be so lost, so lonely that I needed to replace him. I was never supposed to feel so angry, never supposed to want to tear him in two and then spend my life pulling the pieces back together. We were never destined to be like this. Not to be so pained, so irate, so abandoned. We believed in love once, it was something that we hoped for, put our faith in, believed in so much that you could almost reach out and touch it. But love was a false god, and now that god has shunned us. He’ll never return.
“Ianto?” For the second time that morning, Ianto heard his name spoken hoarsely in disbelief. Except this time, the voice cut into him so deep that he could feel his nerves tingle with every passing second. He span round, his eyes meeting with stormier blue, red circles surrounding the Captain’s eyes. His shirt was stained, his face pale and harassed. He looked so old. “Ianto please……. Will you let me talk?” Jack’s eyes reached out to Ianto, begging with him, tugging at his emotions so much that he could only nod, his gaze fixed on Jack’s watery blue eyes. “God knows, I love you Yan……..you’re my……..my everything………what can I do to show you that?” Jack stuttered, his voice shaking in time with his body as he inched towards Ianto.
“Jack…….there’s……..it’s too…….it’s all wrong Jack. Everything.” Ianto found himself stammering in return, not able to control himself as Jack gently put his arms around his back, resting his chin on his shoulder.
“Nothing is wrong Yan, we can fix it………fix it all. Everything we’ve done, it can all be gone.” Ha paused, stroking the back of the younger man’s neck. “I never wanted to leave you Ianto.”
“Then why did you?!” Ianto almost sobbed, words blurting out of his mouth in a blur.
“I had no choice……..I wanted to fix myself, I wanted to make myself mortal again, so I could live, so I could die with you.”
“Jack-”
“I love you Yan, I can’t tell you enough. The words have been on my tongue every second we’ve been apart. And Sephy, I know that things have been difficult-” Ianto’s emotions were so shredded that even he didn’t know what he was feeling anymore, except that something inside him suddenly snapped at the sound of those words.
Difficult? How could he ever imagine how Ianto had felt?
“You left me Jack! You never told me anything, you could have been dead, lost, stranded, ANYTHING!” The words forced their way out of the Welshman’s mouth, his legs forcing him to back away from Jack’s embrace. “If you loved me so much, why couldn’t you tell me? Leave me something behind to tell me to keep hoping!”
“I never had the chance!” Jack’s voice almost screamed, his voice full of pain as his eyes searched Ianto’s for any love he could grab on to. “The Doctor doesn’t stay here for long; I had to follow him before he left me again!”
“So you love him more than me? Admit it Jack, you’re so obsessed with him that I don’t matter anymore.”
“No!” Jack howled his face red with compassion. “No Yan…..God……I love you. Please….”
“Is that what you told Gwen last night?!” Ianto’s lungs ached for air as he felt more and more words hurl out of his mouth, taking with him what felt like his last shreds of humanity. “Did you tell her you loved her while you undressed, while you forgot about me?!”
“Have you told Sephy that you love her?!” Jack spat back. “Does she know that she’s replaced me? Does she like how that feels?!”
“Why did you come back?” Ianto’s voice fell, panting for breath. “You should have stayed with your precious Doctor. It was better when I thought you were dead.”
"I came back for you!" Jack screamed, his hands tearing at his hair. Ianto had never heard he voice so loud, so desperate before. It was as if his soul was being torn to pieces before his very eyes. “I never knew how much I wanted, how much I needed you until we were apart. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. How could you forget me like this?!”
“Forget you?! You’re still in my fucking head, Jack Harkness. You always have been! Fuck knows, I’ve tried to get you out, but I can’t do it.” Ianto stopped, eyes blazing and heart pounding. There was so much he needed to say, so much that he needed to yell before he could ever forgive Jack, ever forget what he had done. But he couldn’t. His words had drained him like life force, he had nothing left.
“Why are we doing this Yan?” Jack groaned softly, his eyes succumbing; face relaxing with each fresh breath. “Why are we torturing ourselves?”
“Because I know that I can’t forgive you right now.” Ianto paused, holding back tears. “And I hate myself for that Jack.”
And then Ianto ran, he ran from what he wanted, he ran from what he was scared of, and more importantly he ran away from who he was. He hated the fact that he couldn’t forgive Jack, that he couldn’t forget how he had felt, so alone, for all those months. It had been a lifetime for him, and Ianto loathed his Captain for that.
So he retreated to the only place he felt safe, felt free from the rest of Torchwood, the archives. Amongst the dust and the forgotten names, filed onto paper and stowed away in case some day they demanded attention, Ianto found his release. Slumping against one of the walls, he was able to cry, to let the emotion sob out of his tears and they flowed down his face. Tears that had been stale in his eyes for too long. Tears that had been trapped in his heart, throwing themselves against the walls like livid prisoners. He’d been working to silence them for so long, and now, now he could finally let them go.
Suddenly, above him, there was a screech of an alarm, an ancient red light shining into life above him. The sudden light made his body jolt, throwing tears from his face.
Something was coming through the Rift.
So what did you think of this chapter? Comments are adored, and will result in a following chapter.
Chapter Five, If He Loves Me Not