(no subject)
sometimes i sit and wonder what is so wrong in my life that i want to end it so much? dont get me wrong, i can think of plenty of reasons, but then i get to thinking that there are people in the world who are so much worse off than me. n that some of my biggest worries are actually quite superficial and i just gave them an unnecessary meaning. that i think too much about all of this. n then i scold myself some more for being so selfish and ignorant. i came across a 19 year old girl today who dropped out of school when she was only a sophmore in high school. and shes lived in many different places, all of them in bad areas. her teeth were all messed up probably b/c her parents couldnt afford braces. n shes still happy. n wants to live. and here i am wanting nothing but to painlessly kill myself. but thats imposible. and incredibly selfish as well. to just carelessly leave everything behind, incomplete, and leave all the people i care about, who care about me too. not worrying about how it would effect them. not even caring, just wanting out. to leave. to be rid of the unorganized series of meaningless events we call life. but again to scold myself further, i am too much of a coward. i want so badly to end it but i cant bring myself to just do it already. take the jump, make the cut, to even go through a whole bottle of tylenol. and again expressing my selfish being, im afraid that somehow ill live and hav to deal with the consequences. and the consequences can be painful and frightening and degrading. and still i hav an anonymous person posting these deep comments on my journal telling me that im loved and watched and warning me about my choices. i just want to know who it is. i want to know who could possibly have the capacity to care about me so much besides my own kin to post these inspiringly intended words. what im saying probably doesnt even make sense and i dont know why im writing it b/c people i dont want to kno all this are just going to read it and start thinking im some kind of psycho. i probably am but thats besides the point. but in the end im left in the same position i started in. its all an endless cycle that continues to torment an already beaten and battered soul. im tired of sitting here feeling sorry for myself and hating myself, but these haunting feelings never seem to go away. but right now i hav to go away n do my hw. hopefully wen i come bac i wont b so morbid. later.
*Lea*
*Lea*