What do you do when your greatest fear has come true?
So here I am. Alone. I've been in and out of the hospital getting more surgery and more treatments, digging out cancerous tumors, scanning more and more parts of my body for tumors. And yet, through all this time, I do it by myself. I don't have any visitors when I'm in the hospital. I don't receive cards, gifts, or well wishes. I wake up every morning and do it all by myself. I can't get into colleges. I can't get credit for my products at work. I can deal with these, but now? I can't clean my house. I can't satisfy my boyfriend in our ever distancing relationship. He takes the car, MY car, and goes to gigs. It's a horrible situation, but what do I do? Break up with him? The ONLY satisfaction I have these days in my life is laying in bed next to someone. I'm tired of posting on my facebook, I'm tired of telling everyone at work over and over again what's wrong with me. It feels good to talk to someone or update my status looking for interaction, a comment, a like, but at the end of the day, where are these people? You can like my status or tell me you're there for me, but actions speak louder than words. When I'm laying on that table getting chunks of my head shaved or having a scalpel drug across my skin, you're not there for me. When I need a ride home from the hospital, I have to take a cab. Then I come into my apartment and feed my cats, who are afraid of me, and eat a dinner for one over my sink. I'll climb into bed and cry myself to sleep, alone. Randy comes home late at night from work and gets into bed, and that's it. I remember being a child and people would be talking about their fears. Spiders, snakes, the dark, etc. Mine was always that I would die alone. Of course teachers, and as I got older "friends" would say stupid things like "No way! I'll be there for you!" or "That won't happen. You'll always have someone." Well guess what. I don't. I'm living out my greatest fear right now, and I've got to admit it sucks. Waking up every day knowing that no one will be there to hold my hand, to comfort me, to make me laugh, to support me, to make a sandwich or people watch, NO ONE will be there for me. I could get mad and blame cancer, blame God, blame my drug addict mom, but that's not what I'm upset about. I have accepted the fact that I'm sick. I'm okay with knowing that I might be dead in a few years if this treatment doesn't work. I'm okay with all of this. What I'm not okay with, what DOES make me mad? That for 24 years I honestly truly believed that I would have a body of people who love and care about me. That everyone I knew in my entire life told me these lies, which I knew were lies, but I chose to believe them. That all these promises of support, and "If you need anything...", that none of them were true. And you know what? It's too late. No one can change any of this now. And who knows, maybe my treatment will work, my relationship will get better, and I'll be back on top of the world. But that's an if, and a weak one at that. Getting cancer was a huge eye opener for me, and in a way, I'm glad. It showed me that I had no friends. It showed me how alone I really am. I have more surgery next week...and the week after that. Who will be there? No one. Who will pick me up, who will help me out? No one. It's all me. My phone won't ring, my mailbox won't be full, hell, my phone won't even get a text message. This is what is feels like to live my fears. This is what it feels like to die alone.