You can't fight the tears that arent coming.
You never really understand the powers of losing someone important to you, until it finally happens. The one person that you forget to say goodbye to for the day, then something terrible goes wrong.
Earlier today I laid out on my sidewalk for more than a hour, looking at nothing. The only thing I heard was my dog roaming around, sniffing everything in sight. I felt more lost than usual, and the feeling is sticking to me.
My moods keep changing between content & depressed -- I wish I felt numb again. When I was numb, I couldnt cry, I couldnt smile and mean it, I liked that I guess.
Its better than be confused, right?
I've been trying to figure myself out for a while now, ever since I hit rock bottom after me & Paul broke up, thinking about all the relationships I've had since 6th grade.
Maybe my friends are right? I think I am a whore.
I was thinking about it for quite a while now, ever since I realized how some people thought of me. I went from guy to guy since 8th grade, since me & Alex broke up.
I don't have a for sure answer though for why I went from guy to guy, but I have somewhat of an answer.
I'm addicted to the feeling of feeling wanted and important to someone. I like knowing I can give someone strength emotionaly, how my self-esteem rises, how everything feels centered. Thats when my feelings become blurry, not knowing how much I really do care for them.
I don't know if I ever loved anyone.. I know I said I did, I said I loved Andy, Paul, Alex.. maybe more?
I became extremely emo after me & someone broke up, feeling as if I can't get back up again, then a few days later, find someone new.
I'm scared of being alone.
I'm forcing myself to fight that though, make it so I'm not addicted to feeling wanted. I believe all I need are friends to feel wanted, but its hard when half your friends think you're a whore. I'm not making this entry for attention, for pity, for anything.
I'm making this entry for myself.
Gain some ego for myself, since I'm selfish for it.
Earlier today, as I was reading in my bed, my door was open and I over heard of mom's phone conversaion with my aunt.
Mom: "I feel so distant from Caitlin I don't know her anymore. No matter what I do, I can't get close to her at all. "
Then I heard a bunch of sobbing.
I've been pushing myself so far from everyone, everything.
I need to quit that, also.
Theres so many faults with myself I have to change.
I need to start over-- become a whole new person.
While I'm feeling really sappy and shit, I might as well say this now, though most of you will say its bullshit.
Paul,
The truth is, I wanted to escape you.
I lied to you more than you realize.
Some days, I wake up and think that I might hate everything that I know about you. Because of the bad? It murders the good, after a while.
Lately, I've been forgetting why I even bother. It's not there anymore, and I question whether or not I want it back. Sometimes, I wonder. And sometimes, that's what hurts the most.
Do you want to be friends, or not?
You asked me if I would forgive you or not when you broke up with me, and I replyed with a bunch of harsh things.
I tried apologizing to you in mail, I tried calling.
This is my last resort.
But the question is,
Will you forgive me?
I don't even know if you still read this.
I just wanted to get it out, sorry.
For all you who is annoyed by me and my "emo-ness" then I'm sorry.
Its 1:35, I'm going to bed.
Love,
Cait.
Oh, and I'll post the pictures after school today.
Earlier today I laid out on my sidewalk for more than a hour, looking at nothing. The only thing I heard was my dog roaming around, sniffing everything in sight. I felt more lost than usual, and the feeling is sticking to me.
My moods keep changing between content & depressed -- I wish I felt numb again. When I was numb, I couldnt cry, I couldnt smile and mean it, I liked that I guess.
Its better than be confused, right?
I've been trying to figure myself out for a while now, ever since I hit rock bottom after me & Paul broke up, thinking about all the relationships I've had since 6th grade.
Maybe my friends are right? I think I am a whore.
I was thinking about it for quite a while now, ever since I realized how some people thought of me. I went from guy to guy since 8th grade, since me & Alex broke up.
I don't have a for sure answer though for why I went from guy to guy, but I have somewhat of an answer.
I'm addicted to the feeling of feeling wanted and important to someone. I like knowing I can give someone strength emotionaly, how my self-esteem rises, how everything feels centered. Thats when my feelings become blurry, not knowing how much I really do care for them.
I don't know if I ever loved anyone.. I know I said I did, I said I loved Andy, Paul, Alex.. maybe more?
I became extremely emo after me & someone broke up, feeling as if I can't get back up again, then a few days later, find someone new.
I'm scared of being alone.
I'm forcing myself to fight that though, make it so I'm not addicted to feeling wanted. I believe all I need are friends to feel wanted, but its hard when half your friends think you're a whore. I'm not making this entry for attention, for pity, for anything.
I'm making this entry for myself.
Gain some ego for myself, since I'm selfish for it.
Earlier today, as I was reading in my bed, my door was open and I over heard of mom's phone conversaion with my aunt.
Mom: "I feel so distant from Caitlin I don't know her anymore. No matter what I do, I can't get close to her at all. "
Then I heard a bunch of sobbing.
I've been pushing myself so far from everyone, everything.
I need to quit that, also.
Theres so many faults with myself I have to change.
I need to start over-- become a whole new person.
While I'm feeling really sappy and shit, I might as well say this now, though most of you will say its bullshit.
Paul,
The truth is, I wanted to escape you.
I lied to you more than you realize.
Some days, I wake up and think that I might hate everything that I know about you. Because of the bad? It murders the good, after a while.
Lately, I've been forgetting why I even bother. It's not there anymore, and I question whether or not I want it back. Sometimes, I wonder. And sometimes, that's what hurts the most.
Do you want to be friends, or not?
You asked me if I would forgive you or not when you broke up with me, and I replyed with a bunch of harsh things.
I tried apologizing to you in mail, I tried calling.
This is my last resort.
But the question is,
Will you forgive me?
I don't even know if you still read this.
I just wanted to get it out, sorry.
For all you who is annoyed by me and my "emo-ness" then I'm sorry.
Its 1:35, I'm going to bed.
Love,
Cait.
Oh, and I'll post the pictures after school today.