I'm Not Ok, I Promise
Ok ... this is my second entry since the other one got deleted
New term started ... and I'm not entirely happy at all with it ... we had a group thing at school and I worked with the guys, I did most ofthe things but they got the most praising .. why? cos the leader of the whole thing was a guy teacher!! right .. just push the girls away, aye? It annoyed me greatly ... cos a similiar thing happened on a forum where I am too ... and it pisses me sometimes how girls/women get pushed away, even though they do a great deal of work for others. But that's the world .. right? Riiight ...
Mum got back from an parents-teacher meeting today ... and it was quite good, she said she's happy with my grades. GAP: 3.92 -_- not 4.00 yet, but at the end of the year it'll be higher than 4.00 ... yup ^_^ I have now better marks in geo ... and I'm trying to do as much extra credit things as I get to do ... and it's good too ... I can get extra credit in Computer Studies [do my website and make a program by myself], maths [do additional math], physics [additioanl task], english [additional essays] and german ... there's nothing more to do XD ... sometime I think the german teachers just give me my 6 for my name
Fabruary 12th is a big day and I'm getting more nervous with each day. Goh said she won't come with me, after she said she would .. well, thanks ... I'll have to go with my teacher there ... *sigh* I have to study for it so much and I only have a damn week! In which I have to study the history of Germany, Austria and Switzerlan + German Literature, Politics, Culture and such ... know about 5 literature books and just know how to speak, the last is the easiest ... I can learn it all .. the problem is ... I'm too damn lazy -_- I just can't mobilise myself to it .. I can study the other things, but ... not that, I don't know why *sigh* I have about 6 books, eacht with about 500 sites ... and I have to know half of it all ... my head is too small for that! but then again .. I have plus points anyway, I'm kind of better then most of the others, since i listen to german tv and I speak some german at home too ... but still ... it sucks ... but I think I will do it ... I have to .. it's a plus point for my University application ... the more, the better ...
I can't stop thinking that the next year, will be my last year ... then I have to write my adult exam *shudders* it'll be hard ... but I have to believe in myself in order to write it good ... why is school so hard? Why can't they just ... I don't know -_-
Thinking lately ... I decided to not give anyone anything anymore ... I gave my love, I gave my help, I gave a gift to someone ... but got not much in return ... I'm not high on getting back something ... but it hurts you know ... it hurts when someone says he'll write but you never get the letter ... when someone says you'll get a gift but there won't be anything in your post which you can be happy ... I feel used and betrayed, I do many things ... I do it with happiness and will, but when I get nothing back, not even a 'thank you' then I feel really used ...
Yesterday night, I cried myself to sleep ... I thought about someone and I just cried ... why? Because I'm shattered ... my heart is shattered ... my real love is gone ... I thought about the good times, but everytime I got a glimpse of them, more bad things came .... I don't know what's wrong with me ... I'm probably still living my my dream world ... that sucks -_- but, I want him to care about me ... I want him to see me as a sister, as an equal ... and not just someone he once knew ... I'm even blocked from his msn list ... and I think that says everything ... he has his line open to people who need help ... but not me ... no ... I did so much ... ah well .. that's life init? I have to get through, even if it hurts ...
My nrighboor died on friday ... it's such a shame .. and it's all the fault of the docs! They told her it was nothing serious and that he pressure would go down .. right ... now she's gone and I hate the clinics even more ... and to think I have surgery tomorrow *shivers* I hate clinics docs and everythng to do with it! I hope there won't be any complications *sigh* I hate surgerys in the face area, especially my teeht >___<
Did I say that I hate my life? If not ... then now you know .. I do hate my life ... *sigh* I know others have it worse, but I still hate my life ... after all it's mine ... d'oh ...
I wrote a new poem:
What should I do, when you're going even if you don't want to,
When you're still talking, even if you don't feel anything
What should I do, when my tears are frozen
Where should I put it?
What should I do when I'm running mindlessly around,
When you're near, even if I don't know you,
You mean so much to me, that I can't sleep, can't eat at all.
Why are you so cold?
Doesn't my love reach you?
What should I do?
What should I say?
What should I do, when you're missing me but you won't show it?
What has to happen that you fill my heart with warmth?
What should I do, when I'm captivated by you?
Where should I go?
What should I do, when I can't go forward or backward?
Will you take the doors down and run away with me?
Where is your style, when I can't land by you?
Why are you so cold?
Doesn't my love reach you?
What should I do?
What should I say?
Why won't my love reach out to you?
I know it doesn't rhyme, but a poem doesn't have to have rhymes to be a poem ... a poem ... is just many thoughts bound together ... and that're my thoughts ...
See ya ...
- Liz.
New term started ... and I'm not entirely happy at all with it ... we had a group thing at school and I worked with the guys, I did most ofthe things but they got the most praising .. why? cos the leader of the whole thing was a guy teacher!! right .. just push the girls away, aye? It annoyed me greatly ... cos a similiar thing happened on a forum where I am too ... and it pisses me sometimes how girls/women get pushed away, even though they do a great deal of work for others. But that's the world .. right? Riiight ...
Mum got back from an parents-teacher meeting today ... and it was quite good, she said she's happy with my grades. GAP: 3.92 -_- not 4.00 yet, but at the end of the year it'll be higher than 4.00 ... yup ^_^ I have now better marks in geo ... and I'm trying to do as much extra credit things as I get to do ... and it's good too ... I can get extra credit in Computer Studies [do my website and make a program by myself], maths [do additional math], physics [additioanl task], english [additional essays] and german ... there's nothing more to do XD ... sometime I think the german teachers just give me my 6 for my name
Fabruary 12th is a big day and I'm getting more nervous with each day. Goh said she won't come with me, after she said she would .. well, thanks ... I'll have to go with my teacher there ... *sigh* I have to study for it so much and I only have a damn week! In which I have to study the history of Germany, Austria and Switzerlan + German Literature, Politics, Culture and such ... know about 5 literature books and just know how to speak, the last is the easiest ... I can learn it all .. the problem is ... I'm too damn lazy -_- I just can't mobilise myself to it .. I can study the other things, but ... not that, I don't know why *sigh* I have about 6 books, eacht with about 500 sites ... and I have to know half of it all ... my head is too small for that! but then again .. I have plus points anyway, I'm kind of better then most of the others, since i listen to german tv and I speak some german at home too ... but still ... it sucks ... but I think I will do it ... I have to .. it's a plus point for my University application ... the more, the better ...
I can't stop thinking that the next year, will be my last year ... then I have to write my adult exam *shudders* it'll be hard ... but I have to believe in myself in order to write it good ... why is school so hard? Why can't they just ... I don't know -_-
Thinking lately ... I decided to not give anyone anything anymore ... I gave my love, I gave my help, I gave a gift to someone ... but got not much in return ... I'm not high on getting back something ... but it hurts you know ... it hurts when someone says he'll write but you never get the letter ... when someone says you'll get a gift but there won't be anything in your post which you can be happy ... I feel used and betrayed, I do many things ... I do it with happiness and will, but when I get nothing back, not even a 'thank you' then I feel really used ...
Yesterday night, I cried myself to sleep ... I thought about someone and I just cried ... why? Because I'm shattered ... my heart is shattered ... my real love is gone ... I thought about the good times, but everytime I got a glimpse of them, more bad things came .... I don't know what's wrong with me ... I'm probably still living my my dream world ... that sucks -_- but, I want him to care about me ... I want him to see me as a sister, as an equal ... and not just someone he once knew ... I'm even blocked from his msn list ... and I think that says everything ... he has his line open to people who need help ... but not me ... no ... I did so much ... ah well .. that's life init? I have to get through, even if it hurts ...
My nrighboor died on friday ... it's such a shame .. and it's all the fault of the docs! They told her it was nothing serious and that he pressure would go down .. right ... now she's gone and I hate the clinics even more ... and to think I have surgery tomorrow *shivers* I hate clinics docs and everythng to do with it! I hope there won't be any complications *sigh* I hate surgerys in the face area, especially my teeht >___<
Did I say that I hate my life? If not ... then now you know .. I do hate my life ... *sigh* I know others have it worse, but I still hate my life ... after all it's mine ... d'oh ...
I wrote a new poem:
What should I do, when you're going even if you don't want to,
When you're still talking, even if you don't feel anything
What should I do, when my tears are frozen
Where should I put it?
What should I do when I'm running mindlessly around,
When you're near, even if I don't know you,
You mean so much to me, that I can't sleep, can't eat at all.
Why are you so cold?
Doesn't my love reach you?
What should I do?
What should I say?
What should I do, when you're missing me but you won't show it?
What has to happen that you fill my heart with warmth?
What should I do, when I'm captivated by you?
Where should I go?
What should I do, when I can't go forward or backward?
Will you take the doors down and run away with me?
Where is your style, when I can't land by you?
Why are you so cold?
Doesn't my love reach you?
What should I do?
What should I say?
Why won't my love reach out to you?
I know it doesn't rhyme, but a poem doesn't have to have rhymes to be a poem ... a poem ... is just many thoughts bound together ... and that're my thoughts ...
See ya ...
- Liz.