The Honeymoon is Over...
...in more ways than one.
I'm now past my first year in Miami Ad School, and I'm heading to Paris in 9 days to start my stint at Ogilvy. It's exciting, but daunting. This means that the time for whiling away the hours in a classroom and "taking it easy" is past. I've got to start approaching this with grim determination - there's only so much time left before I will need to secure a job and a future in this industry...
...Which brings me to her.
Oh, we played nice-nice when I got off my flight two nights ago. (Of course, the first thing she did was shake her head and flippantly remark, "What are you, 130 lbs. now? You're fat on your hips.") But things were going relatively fine. She sniped very little as she helped me prepare for Keith's wedding yesterday, and the entire family sat down to watch a recording of their recent choir performance. It was a good moment.
And she ruins it all.
She decides to start lashing into me this morning and spews the usual vitriol that I am, sad to say, strangely "comfortable" with:
- "WHAT'S YOUR PLAN? DO YOU EVEN HAVE A PLAN? I PLAN TO RETIRE IN TWO YEARS, AND MY PLAN DOESN'T INCLUDE SUPPORTING YOU ANYMORE."
- "ARE YOU EVEN SEARCHING FOR A JOB? WHAT KIND OF WORTHLESS SCHOOL DO YOU GO TO?"
- "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE 25 YEARS OLD. ARE YOU GOING TO BE A STUDENT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? A FAILURE? WHAT A FAILURE."
- "YOU SEE? (INSERT FRIEND'S NAME HERE) IS IN GRAD SCHOOL. THEY GRADUATED FROM GRAD SCHOOL. THEY HAVE A MASTERS. THEY'RE SUCCESSFUL."
- "...(INSERT SAME FRIEND'S NAME HERE) GRADUATED AND CAN'T FIND A JOB? WHY DO YOU HAVE SUCH LOSER FRIENDS?"
- "WHAT'S YOUR PLAN?"
And rinse and repeat.
I also hope you noticed that she has forgotten how old I really am.
It seems these next 9 days are going to be a last-ditch battlefield of insults that she can throw at me before I leave her field of influence for another three months. I can tell she's going to try to bully and beat me down before her just before I leave, just so she can feel she's exerted her control once more over me.
And the sad thing is, I'll probably let her, if only to keep her from attacking everyone in her sight.
Incidentally, today is Father's Day, but we dare not celebrate in any way, lest we set her off on another one of her irrational rages. In her eyes, there is nothing worth celebrating at all.
But I want to at least get this out in some shape or form...
Daddy, I want you to know that if it wasn't for you, I might have done something very tragic and very drastic long ago. It is because you are here to support me that I have the will and the courage to keep pushing for my dreams, no matter what anyone else might try to do to me. I love you more than words can say, and I know that someday in the future, we'll be happier. You deserve so much better, and I try everyday to give a little more to you, in hopes of making you proud of me.
Love, your daughter.
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Edit: 7:50 PM
Outburst #2 for the day. I briefly contemplated launching my laptop at her face, but the moment passed as soon as it came, and I kept my face serene and fixated on nothing as she yelled.
She ranted about how worthless and expensive "that school" is (I agree with the latter), and that I chose to do this, so I must pay her back.
...Excuse me, it has been my DAD who has been paying for everything so far. When I do pay him back for all the financial (and emotional) support he's given me, she is not getting a thing.
Then she decides to bring up any random friend I have who has done grad school and has found/is lined up for a job. She seems to believe that the creative advertising industry must be identical to the business and finance and engineering industry. She spits out the names of some of my friends who have jobs, saying "how secure they are" and "how determined they are" and "how happy they are."
She doesn't know any of them, because these same friends have told me time and time again how miserable they are in jobs that they see no future in.
And of course, my friends who have jobs and are happy with their lives?
She dubs them as failures, just because they have time and the social life to go out at night and have fun.
9 more days.
I'm now past my first year in Miami Ad School, and I'm heading to Paris in 9 days to start my stint at Ogilvy. It's exciting, but daunting. This means that the time for whiling away the hours in a classroom and "taking it easy" is past. I've got to start approaching this with grim determination - there's only so much time left before I will need to secure a job and a future in this industry...
...Which brings me to her.
Oh, we played nice-nice when I got off my flight two nights ago. (Of course, the first thing she did was shake her head and flippantly remark, "What are you, 130 lbs. now? You're fat on your hips.") But things were going relatively fine. She sniped very little as she helped me prepare for Keith's wedding yesterday, and the entire family sat down to watch a recording of their recent choir performance. It was a good moment.
And she ruins it all.
She decides to start lashing into me this morning and spews the usual vitriol that I am, sad to say, strangely "comfortable" with:
- "WHAT'S YOUR PLAN? DO YOU EVEN HAVE A PLAN? I PLAN TO RETIRE IN TWO YEARS, AND MY PLAN DOESN'T INCLUDE SUPPORTING YOU ANYMORE."
- "ARE YOU EVEN SEARCHING FOR A JOB? WHAT KIND OF WORTHLESS SCHOOL DO YOU GO TO?"
- "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE 25 YEARS OLD. ARE YOU GOING TO BE A STUDENT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? A FAILURE? WHAT A FAILURE."
- "YOU SEE? (INSERT FRIEND'S NAME HERE) IS IN GRAD SCHOOL. THEY GRADUATED FROM GRAD SCHOOL. THEY HAVE A MASTERS. THEY'RE SUCCESSFUL."
- "...(INSERT SAME FRIEND'S NAME HERE) GRADUATED AND CAN'T FIND A JOB? WHY DO YOU HAVE SUCH LOSER FRIENDS?"
- "WHAT'S YOUR PLAN?"
And rinse and repeat.
I also hope you noticed that she has forgotten how old I really am.
It seems these next 9 days are going to be a last-ditch battlefield of insults that she can throw at me before I leave her field of influence for another three months. I can tell she's going to try to bully and beat me down before her just before I leave, just so she can feel she's exerted her control once more over me.
And the sad thing is, I'll probably let her, if only to keep her from attacking everyone in her sight.
Incidentally, today is Father's Day, but we dare not celebrate in any way, lest we set her off on another one of her irrational rages. In her eyes, there is nothing worth celebrating at all.
But I want to at least get this out in some shape or form...
Daddy, I want you to know that if it wasn't for you, I might have done something very tragic and very drastic long ago. It is because you are here to support me that I have the will and the courage to keep pushing for my dreams, no matter what anyone else might try to do to me. I love you more than words can say, and I know that someday in the future, we'll be happier. You deserve so much better, and I try everyday to give a little more to you, in hopes of making you proud of me.
Love, your daughter.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Edit: 7:50 PM
Outburst #2 for the day. I briefly contemplated launching my laptop at her face, but the moment passed as soon as it came, and I kept my face serene and fixated on nothing as she yelled.
She ranted about how worthless and expensive "that school" is (I agree with the latter), and that I chose to do this, so I must pay her back.
...Excuse me, it has been my DAD who has been paying for everything so far. When I do pay him back for all the financial (and emotional) support he's given me, she is not getting a thing.
Then she decides to bring up any random friend I have who has done grad school and has found/is lined up for a job. She seems to believe that the creative advertising industry must be identical to the business and finance and engineering industry. She spits out the names of some of my friends who have jobs, saying "how secure they are" and "how determined they are" and "how happy they are."
She doesn't know any of them, because these same friends have told me time and time again how miserable they are in jobs that they see no future in.
And of course, my friends who have jobs and are happy with their lives?
She dubs them as failures, just because they have time and the social life to go out at night and have fun.
9 more days.