ugh.
no tengo las palabras that can express my fuckin feelings about him. i hate him. for everything he's ever done to me. for this power he still has over me for some reason. for being my everything.. and now is nothing to me. i still have that itching feeling to text him... to talk to him. he was my life support, even at times when he didnt even know it. i thought hed always be there for me. like he always was. my best friend. ugh.
i think it hurts most when nate is over with sudeshna... i think about ramon, think that it could be him here instead. how maybe my decision to not have him move in was just a childish decision... like i was so scared of him moving in with me. maybe now i just realize more that hed be here for me to come home to everyday. he'd be in bed with me every night. be who id see every morning first thing. now i just see how lonely it is without him in my life. there are times when i can just hear his voice in my head... and tears will come to my eyes cuz i know that thats as close as i'll probably ever be to him again. and it disgusts me that his voice can even be in my head. how parts of him still havent been able to leave me.
now i just wonder how hes doing. why i still worry about him, idk. how is his baby? has he had it? did he hustle enough money today to have a place to stay for tonight? fuck. then i just feel guilty that i coulda helped him, if only...
i think it hurts most when nate is over with sudeshna... i think about ramon, think that it could be him here instead. how maybe my decision to not have him move in was just a childish decision... like i was so scared of him moving in with me. maybe now i just realize more that hed be here for me to come home to everyday. he'd be in bed with me every night. be who id see every morning first thing. now i just see how lonely it is without him in my life. there are times when i can just hear his voice in my head... and tears will come to my eyes cuz i know that thats as close as i'll probably ever be to him again. and it disgusts me that his voice can even be in my head. how parts of him still havent been able to leave me.
now i just wonder how hes doing. why i still worry about him, idk. how is his baby? has he had it? did he hustle enough money today to have a place to stay for tonight? fuck. then i just feel guilty that i coulda helped him, if only...