Whenever (Part VI)
Pairing: JongKey
Rating: PG-15
Genre: Coming-of-Age, AU, Sci-Fi
Beta-ed by: desiderada
Summary: Time is to Jonghyun as colours are to the blind. To Kibum, it just keeps moving forward, but that doesn't mean what's ahead isn't up to him.
← Part V
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Living on his own with Taemin is different, but he quickly adapts. He’s twenty one now; cooking his own meals and doing his own laundry is nothing new to him, however the mess on Taemin’s side of the bedroom, well, is. He tries nagging about it but when that proves useless, he resorts to picking up after the younger boy himself.
There are other downfalls to sharing a bedroom, he soon discovers after Jonghyun’s first visit to their dorm. Sharing a bed like he’s so used to is awkward enough already with Taemin right next to them, but having Jonghyun mysteriously gone every morning is definitely a challenge to explain. Of course, Taemin still thinks they are dating, but Kibum doesn’t have the urge to correct him anymore - if only because it’s simpler that way, he assures himself.
“Why does Jonghyun-hyung leave early every time he’s here?” Taemin asks as they trek back to their dorm after an entire day of training with the rest of the dance group.
“He works very early,” Kibum blurts out tiredly, dragging his sore feet and legs up the stairs.
“Oh,” Taemin speaks before going quiet for a few steps. “Where does he work?”
Kibum frowns and avoids the younger’s curious gaze. “Um,” he mutters, his weary mind unable to think of anything at that moment, “I don’t really know, exactly.”
Taemin only hums, seemingly unconcerned and Kibum is thankful for it. The elder sighs as they unlock their door, aware that their bathroom and kitchen need scrubbing and that he should take care of his bills before the end of the month but he can’t say no when Taemin suggests they play on his console. He hadn’t believed Kibum at first when the elder had told him he didn’t know any PlayStation games but had quickly taken to teaching him how to play. Kibum doesn’t mind it - he doesn’t really have anything else to do apart from his work and chores in this still-foreign city, which is why more often than not he ends up next to the young dancer on their beige couch in the middle of their otherwise empty living room whenever they both have some free time.
Training for the tour is definitely hard, physically and mentally, demanding in ways Kibum would have never expected, but he likes it somehow. He is willing to work hard for this, and that is exactly what he does.
The company’s studio becomes more familiar to him than his and Taemin’s dorm since he literally spends entire days there. So much is expected of them and Kibum is beginning to feel the pressure more and more. He does his best to cope, even when his faults and weaknesses are thrown back at him, and manages to find some sort of middle ground. He’s not perfect, but he’s not the worst and he makes sure to always give his all. Hard work and genuine effort keep him out of trouble.
He can barely contain his excitement before their first full rehearsal. He is awfully nervous, yes, but imagining the stage and spotlights and roaring crowd in the place of the bland backdrop of the mirrored practice room pumps him up like nothing else. Still, he keeps himself grounded by repeating in his mind that this is his job, his work now and that he is here to give his best performance. But that doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy it, too.
***
“Shoot! Shoot!” Jonghyun yells even though he’s sitting right next to Kibum.
“I’m trying!” he shouts back, tilting the controller as if it would help anything. Taemin merely snickers from where he’s huddled up further down on their couch, mercilessly beating Kibum at his favourite sports game.
Taemin, predictably, makes the save and ends the match, bringing the total up to six-nothing for him. Kibum lets out a frustrated whine, groaning as he hands the controller over to Jonghyun.
“Please don’t tell me you’re better than me,” he laments by his side and has to keep from groaning out loud again when Jonghyun thumbs through the controls with ease, apparently no stranger to this.
“I hate you,” he mutters under his breath, turning away from the boy who, irritatingly, chuckles and leans back into him. Kibum is forced to watch as Jonghyun puts up a good fight against Taemin, only to go down in the end and lose three to two.
Kibum snatches the controller when the other hands it back to him while sticking his tongue out, looking every bit the overgrown kid he is. Taemin takes pity on Kibum and puts on another game: racing this time. Kibum turns out to be much better at it and he fiercely maintains he would have won if Jonghyun hadn’t been distracting him, mainly by tiptoeing his fingers up and across his thigh. If Taemin had noticed, he doesn’t mention it and it’s part of the reason why Kibum is so glad to have him as a roommate, even despite his messiness.
“My parents are coming to Seoul next Sunday,” the youngest speaks up, mindlessly going through the video game’s menu to pick another course, “they want to come visit. Will you be free, Jonghyun-hyung?”
Kibum tenses up at that, resigning himself to let the other handle this one. He looks thoughtful for a few seconds and Kibum once again is left wondering what it must be like to have memories from the future, memories without a proper time frame.
“Yeah. I’ll be here,” he says and Kibum’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Jonghyun grants him a brief, knowing smile of sorts, leaving him then to wonder why, if anything, he remembers that particular event.
After Taemin has gone off to bed some time later, Kibum and Jonghyun stay on the couch as they usually do; at least until the youngest is done using the bathroom, getting ready for bed. Kibum waits until he hears the door shut followed by the soft “click” of the light switch before voicing what has been on his mind.
“Why do you remember Taemin’s parents visiting?” he asks, turning his head to look at the other who is sitting pressed against his side, arm slung behind Kibum on the backrest and one of his thighs resting partly atop his. Kibum’s legs are drawn up to the other side, opposite arm across Jonghyun’s lap for balance.
Jonghyun smiles - Kibum can see the way his cheek tightens, the corner of his lips lifting as his gaze remains up front, on the television. Kibum nudges him with his shoulder when he doesn’t answer and only keeps grinning cryptically.
“Jonghyun,” Kibum speaks, tone more assertive but, at the same time, brow furrowing in anticipation.
“It’s something good,” he finally explains, as though wanting to reassure Kibum. He finally turns to look at him and Kibum grants him a small, albeit unsure smile.
“Yeah?” he says, knowing better than to expect Jonghyun to follow through with it. To his surprise, Jonghyun’s smile tilts at that, curving into a smirk of sorts as his eyes roam Kibum’s face.
“Hmm,” he hums, and the way his gaze drops to his lips and lingers there doesn’t confuse him as much as it makes him anxious. Anxious because he thinks he can tell what Jonghyun is alluding to and because even if they’ve kissed twice, this is still new to him. Yet, as he stares back at Jonghyun’s full lower lip in return, he realizes that might not be such a bad thing.
***
The following Sunday, Kibum walks out of the bedroom while groggily rubbing his eyes to find Taemin and Jonghyun seated side by side on the couch, playing video games. He smiles at the sight, hand going up to comb through his bed head and resorts to clearing out his throat when neither notices him standing by in the hallway, too absorbed in their match.
They both look up at the same time and someone hits pause. Kibum doesn’t even notice Taemin’s expression; he’s too focused on Jonghyun’s soft smile.
“I went down to check our mailbox and Jonghyun-hyung was at the door, about to buzz us,” Taemin explains and it has Kibum holding back an amused grin, secretly exchanging a knowing gaze full of implied memories with Jonghyun.
Kibum hums. “Hey,” he adds, greeting Jonghyun before shuffling onto the couch between them, still in his pyjamas. He leans into Jonghyun, head resting on his shoulder and shuts his eyes, still very sleepy. The boys restart the game and he can feel the muscles in Jonghyun’s shoulder move against his cheek as he handles the controller. Kibum feels so at ease, at peace almost that he falls asleep again after heaving a contented sigh.
Taemin’s parents call him some time before noon, announcing that they’ll soon be there. Kibum heads off to the bathroom to change and get ready. He turns on the shower and, even through the sound of pouring water, he can hear music filtering in from the bedroom where Jonghyun must be looking through his clothes. He shakes his head and washes himself in a hurry, eager to find out what Jonghyun will have picked for the day.
He returns to the shared bedroom wrapped up to his shoulders in his large towel, peeking inside before entering. Jonghyun is sprawled out on his tiny bed, staring at the ceiling and sporting an obnoxiously yellow t-shirt - one of Kibum’s - and black skinny jeans that he doesn’t recognize so he figures they must be Taemin’s.
The boy hears him enter, but he doesn’t look his way as he speaks up.
“I think I like the ceiling of your bedroom better.”
Kibum chuckles, looking through his drawer for clothes.
“You’re so weird,” he reproaches, but it comes out lightly.
“I’ve just spent a lot of time staring at both,” Jonghyun says simply, as if it were the most natural thing to confess. Kibum quickly pulls on briefs and pants before crawling into his bed. Jonghyun sits up, looking into his eyes as the boy leans in close, right into his personal space.
“I’m sorry,” he apologizes, feeling genuinely guilty about leaving Jonghyun to himself so much.
“Don’t be,” Jonghyun tells him, that small smile of his momentarily wiping away Kibum’s worries. He can’t help but smile back, although it turns sly when his gaze slides down to the other’s chest.
“You know,” he speaks, poking a finger at Jonghyun’s sternum, “I was planning on wearing that shirt today.” When Jonghyun smirks back, it occurs to him that he might have worn it on purpose.
“We can share?” Jonghyun suggests, sounding innocent enough but the glint in his eyes says otherwise.
Kibum lets out a guffaw at the mix of expressions on the other’s face, but it turns into a screech when Jonghyun pushes him back on the mattress, wrestling him and trying to pull the hem of his shirt over Kibum’s head as if to prove a point. They’re both laughing and Kibum is trying to wriggle out of Jonghyun’s legs that are tightly wrapped around his after having successfully pinned the boy’s hands back when he sees Taemin enter the bedroom from the corner of his eye. They all freeze - until Taemin promptly turns around and walks right back out. Jonghyun and Kibum exchange a glance, still holding their precarious stances, before bursting into laughter anew. Jonghyun lets him go and rolls onto his back, the sound fading into low, repeated chuckles that make his chest shake. Kibum drapes himself over him, simply because he can, and rests his chin on his chest, feeling every deep rumble thrum through him. One of Jonghyun’s hands comes up to card through his blond locks and Kibum wishes he could spend every moment just like this.
Unfortunately, the sound of a buzzer rings through the small dorm along with Taemin excitedly shouting “They’re here!” leaving Kibum to scramble off the bed and slip on the first shirt he can find. Jonghyun, in turn, goes up to his laptop to shut off his music player before following the other out of the room.
The front door swings open just in time and Taemin’s parents, along with another presence behind them that looks like an older, taller version of Taemin, are immediately greeted with hugs from their son. The youngest introduces them while Jonghyun and Kibum bow at the waist. As expected, the third guest turns out to be Taemin’s older brother.
Lunch passes by in a blur of fast-paced conversation between the Lee family along with most of the afternoon. Taemin insists on showing them the company building and their studio-slash-home before they all retreat back to the dorm. It seems even smaller now that it’s housing six people and Kibum gladly accepts Mrs. Lee’s praise when she notes just how clean it is. She goes on to thank him for looking after her son and Kibum assures her that’s it’s nothing, that he’s just as pleased to room with Taemin as the younger is.
They don’t stay very late, anticipating the long drive back to Daegu and claiming that the boys should be taking advantage of their very few days off to catch up on sleep. Kibum actually feels exhausted once he’s waved goodbye and closed the door behind them. The three of them heat up the supper Taemin’s parents had brought for them and eat in a tired but comfortable silence. Kibum has grown so used to Jonghyun’s presence all day that he forgets for a moment that the boy probably won’t be sitting on his couch the next morning to greet him and steal some of his clothes. However, it all comes back to him when Taemin excuses himself and heads for the bedroom, leaving Kibum to become hyper-aware of the way Jonghyun is and has been staring at him. He gets up and busies himself by washing the dishes, trying to push all thoughts of Jonghyun disappearing to the back of his mind.
“I’m here now, you know,” Jonghyun’s smooth voice speaks behind him. He can sense him standing a few steps away and wonders if the boy knew what he was thinking because he knows him so well or because he remembers the future, this exchange in particular.
He finishes drying off the plates and cutlery before turning around, his smile feeling slightly forced. Jonghyun seems to notice and reaches out to take his hand, rubbing their palms together.
“Yeah,” Kibum breathes out, agreeing, and no matter how hard he tries he can’t give his tone the cheerful edge he wants it to have. Jonghyun quietly pulls him to the couch, where he settles beside him and plays with his fingers, the touch somewhat soothing. Kibum stares blankly ahead for a while, listening to the sound of the shower running before turning his head to look at Jonghyun in earnest.
The boy’s fingers stop fiddling with his, returning the gaze intently as he waits for Kibum to talk. The latter looks into the boy’s dark, slightly rounded eyes and realizes that he has no reason to be nothing but honest with him.
“Sometimes I’m still afraid you’ll disappear forever,” he shares flatly. Jonghyun raises a hand to touch his cheek, lightly caressing his cheekbone and tracing his jawline in one smooth motion. He smiles, for some reason, and Kibum wishes he could see the world, this world, as he does.
“You’ll see me again,” he assures him, smile unwavering. “Don’t worry about that.”
“I try not to,” Kibum admits. “But don’t you?”
“Hmm?” Jonghyun asks absent-mindedly, observing the slide of his fingertips over smooth skin.
“Don’t you ever worry about it?”
Jonghyun’s hand drops to Kibum’s neck and stays there, heavy. His eyes grow unfocused, as if looking past Kibum and, once more, the latter is left to wonder what it is that he sees, what it is that he remembers.
“Kibum,” Jonghyun eventually speaks, solemn, gaze back to its usual depth, “to be here, to have met you - it’s more than I could ever have asked for.”
Kibum nods. It’s short and abrupt but Jonghyun gets the point.
“Do you love me?” he asks, straightforward as always.
Jonghyun chuckles, effectively breaking the mood.
“You still don’t get it, do you?” he says, but there’s no real bite to his tone, which is more amused than anything. “I always have.”
When Kibum leans forward, it’s as deliberate as it is slow because even if he still doesn’t really know what to expect, he’s more than willing to try.
Jonghyun meets him halfway because he’s good at that. At making Kibum try things and making him feel like he can.
***
Kibum wakes up the next morning on his couch, tucked into one of his bed sheets. He’s flooded with memories of the previous day as he slowly drifts back to consciousness. Images of Jonghyun’s closed eyelids, of the crumpled fabric of his shirt and of Kibum’s fisted hand around it, of parted, full lips and of tousled hair take over his thoughts and prove to be a bit much for his still-sleepy mind to take. Kisses. Nothing more to it, and yet the feelings they evoke are still so fresh, so vivid. Or maybe it has less to do with the kisses and more to do with the revelation that Jonghyun loves him.
He begins his day almost mechanically, but he rights himself soon enough when one of the dance instructors shakes him out of it. One day morphs into the next, blurred by routine, and soon two weeks have gone by. The date of the first concert is steadily approaching and Kibum is acutely aware of how much work he still has ahead of him, doubling his efforts if anything to be on top of it all. It’s tiring, and he wishes Jonghyun were there to spur him on but he isn’t, so he deals with it to his best while hoping it will pay off.
Their second full length rehearsal goes by much more smoothly than their first; Kibum is even praised by one of the coaches. He falls into his bed that night to the sound of Taemin’s light snores with a smile, thoughts a mixture of dance moves and spotlights and memories of soothing words spoken to his ear in the dead of night.
Their last complete rehearsal in the company studio is rather a success and Kibum isn’t the only one beaming when the choreographers bid them goodnight and remind them to rest well before meeting at the concert venue the next day. And yet, when he wakes up he feels more nervous than he’s ever felt and he can’t even bring himself to eat a single bite of the breakfast Taemin has prepared.
“That’s normal,” Taemin tells him, and Kibum chooses to believe him considering the younger boy doesn’t touch much of his breakfast either.
The boys make sure to arrive early - only the stage technicians and coordinators as well as a few hair and make-up artists are there before them. Kibum ends up talking to one of the latter when she compliments him on his hair and she goes on to tell him about a hairstyle she would like to try. Urged on by Taemin who agrees it would look great, he lets the young stylist cut the sides and back of his head shorter than the rest and dye it a very dark, almost-black brown. Kibum, who is no stranger to dye and haircuts, has to admit Taemin was right, pleased when he tilts his head in front of the mirror and his long blond fringe sweeps to the side to reveal the darker layer beneath. It’s a short but welcome distraction from his bubbling nerves and soon the backstage dressing rooms are filling up with more and more dancers, some looking as relaxed as can be while others seem even more nervous than Kibum feels. When the idols arrive, they look deadbeat, as if they haven’t slept a wink and yet they greet everyone with bright smiles. It’s admirable, in a way, and Kibum thinks they could probably teach him a thing or two on how to handle pressure.
It gets worse and worse from there: by the time he’s done with make-up and has changed into his first set of clothes for the show, he gives up trying to stay calm. Taemin is also agitated, although to him it’s partly due to excitement as opposed to only anxiety. The younger boy does his best to reassure Kibum even if the latter isn’t really listening. His eyes remain glued to the small monitor once the concert begins only for him to be dragged down the stairs by Taemin when the time comes to take their positions under the stage, ready to climb up for the second chorus.
He doesn’t blank out or mess up any of the moves, nor does he trip over his own feet or the long silvery confetti that eventually litter the floorboards. He catches himself smiling eagerly at Taemin when they hurriedly change clothes in between performances. When the last song ends and the last confetti guns pop, he joins the entire concert cast on stage to bow and he doesn’t have to fake the width of his smile or the jump to his step. He hugs Taemin, part relief and part happiness because this? It was finally worth it.
He’s still on a high after the audience has left but Taemin assures him that’s also normal and that he won’t be able to fall asleep for a few hours still, so both boys end up on their beige couch, playing video games well into the early morning. Kibum keeps losing - that hasn’t changed - but his mood doesn’t dampen because although he knows he’ll have to go through the pre-performance stress and stage fright all over again, he also knows how thrilling it will be once the music starts and the venue lights up.
The next few concerts all take place within Seoul’s vicinity; it isn’t until two and a half weeks into the tour that they have to pack their bags and actually begin touring. Living on the road and in suitcases in quite a hassle but they all manage. Kibum has made it a habit of his to double check hotel rooms after Taemin because, more often than not, the younger leaves things behind. At least he never forgets his console, bringing it everywhere with him so that they can continue their streak of post-concert gaming.
The tour’s first stop is Taiwan, where they arrive late at night and the different time zone does nothing to help that. Kibum spends the entire bus ride from the airport to their hotel thinking about what he could possibly say to Taemin to explain Jonghyun’s possible impromptu appearances in case he does show up during the tour.
He still hasn’t thought of anything by the time the bus pulls up in front of the hotel. He looks around cautiously before retrieving his baggages when he doesn’t see the familiar figure.
Some of the dancers and other personnel decide to go out for a very late meal but Taemin and Kibum prefer heading straight to bed. Both are in the lobby, waiting for their turn to check in when Kibum feels fingers prodding his waist. He doesn’t turn around, instead groggily asking, “What is it, Tae?”
It isn’t until he hears the younger boy chuckle from a distance and feels the hand slide to his stomach, wrapping him into an embrace of sorts that he realizes what’s going on.
“Jjong!” he lets out at once, hugging the boy back even though he’s still mindful of Taemin’ presence, knowing full well that he can’t play off his surprise after this. It’ll be up to Jonghyun to explain himself.
“What are you doing here?” Taemin asks, beating Kibum to it as he addresses Jonghyun.
“I have relatives in the area,” Jonghyun says and Kibum thinks he could kiss him just for that. “I knew you’d be here so I came by.”
Taemin looks pleased, albeit still tired, and when he reaches backwards to pull his suitcase along in the line, Jonghyun takes advantage of the moment to grant Kibum a quick wink.
“I was waiting for you,” he adds then, eyes still locked with Kibum’s and it feels like the latter is only beginning to grasp the immensity of that statement.
“I’ll handle it,” Taemin says once it’s their turn at the reception desk. Kibum means to follow but Jonghyun grips his elbow and keeps him in place, leaving Kibum to stare at him curiously. His expression has changed - he looks a bit lost, actually. He leans in, placing his mouth next to Kibum’s ear.
“When and where are we?” he whispers, sounding hesitant as he asks.
“Taiwan,” Kibum tells him, slightly amused, “the tour just started.”
Jonghyun nods, decidedly more at ease now that he remembers. He smiles brightly when Taemin turns around, handing Kibum one of the hotel room keys.
“You have a rehearsal tomorrow, right?” Jonghyun suddenly speaks up. Taemin nods heartily but Kibum studies him with a narrowed gaze.
“Today, actually,” the youngest clarifies after a quick glance to his cell phone, clock indicating it to be well past midnight.
“Could I come?” Jonghyun asks out of the blue, which Kibum can only blink to, perplexed, until he realizes what the boy probably has in mind.
“Sure,” he blurts out when it all catches up to him. “You could stay with us,” he quickly adds, then, and they both know it’s more for Taemin’s sake, “since it’s only in a few hours anyway.” And since Jonghyun has nowhere else to go - that much is implied.
“Great.”
Both Kibum and Taemin are yawning by the time they make it to their room. Taemin bids the other two goodnight, retreating to the bathroom to speed through his nightly routine while the other two linger by the beds.
“If you remember tomorrow, does that mean you’ll stay awake until then?” Kibum asks hastily, voice hushed, aware that they don’t have much time before younger joins them again.
Jonghyun nods before looking at him seriously once more. “Only if you don’t mind.”
“You know I don’t,” Kibum answers without missing a beat.
“Are you sure?” Jonghyun carries on, but his tone takes on a teasing edge. “I mean you don’t mind sharing your bed? Because I think this one is even smaller than your usual single.”
Kibum rolls his eyes and smacks his chest, Jonghyun letting himself fall onto the mattress at the touch. The truth is Kibum is more than glad to share his bed with him, no matter how small, but he thinks Jonghyun knows that already and, judging by his smile as he scoots up in the bed, always knew.
Kibum feeds him a few cups of coffee from the hotel’s buffet the next morning and watching the boy cringe at the bitter, acquired taste proves to be quite entertaining - at least until Taemin helps him pour more sugar than should be considered healthy into his cup, then it’s Kibum’s turn to cringe.
Rehearsing with Jonghyun around is distracting but Kibum can’t deny loving having him there. He looks so excited, and Kibum wonders if it’s more a product of all the sugar and caffeine he ingested or a genuine feeling. He figures it’s a bit of both when Jonghyun keeps running up to him after every performance. The boy has a hard time standing still, sometimes getting in the way of the venue’s personnel so after his third warning, Kibum drags him to one of the empty auditorium’s seats and pushes him into the folding chair, pointing a finger at him and declaring, “Stay.”
Jonghyun nods, a little less energetically as he is starting to tire out, and Kibum can’t help but lean down and place a kiss to his forehead. He squeezes the boy’s hand as a parting gesture and means to let go and get back to work but Jonghyun pulls him back and kisses him lightly on the lips. He still smells like coffee but tastes sweet, and Kibum would give anything to just sit on his lap in this secluded part of the venue and kiss him over and over again but he has to go. He grants Jonghyun an apologetic look and the boy simply smiles back before letting go of his hand.
The rehearsal lasts longer than expected, and it’s already late-afternoon before Kibum catches a break and goes back into the audience to check on Jonghyun. However, the seat he left him in is empty, leaving Kibum to hope with all his might that he would get to see him again soon.
***
Kibum’s mother calls him one day and excitedly tells him that there was an article about the concert in the local newspaper and that she had spotted him in one of the pictures. Apparently, some parts of it will be broadcast on television and she promises him that she and his father will watch it. Kibum thanks her, for everything, and means it.
Out of all the cities Kibum gets to see, Tokyo is the one that stands out the most to him. He discovers a hidden interest in travel, in foreign cities and cultures; every place is so different, it’s eye-opening in a way. He feels lost but it’s thrilling, and he wonders if that may be how Jonghyun feels whenever he’s on Earth.
Kibum is also a little biased towards Tokyo because the morning of the concert, he wakes up to find Jonghyun loitering around in the lobby while on his way to breakfast. Jonghyun stands up immediately upon seeing him and barely has time to open his mouth before Kibum informs him:
“Tokyo. The concert’s later today.”
The large smile that takes over Jonghyun’s features at that has Kibum arching an eyebrow, eyeing him amusedly. Taemin eventually joins them in the hotel restaurant, looking both surprised and pleased to see Jonghyun there.
“Jonghyun-hyung!” he exclaims as he nears their table. He even pulls the other into a short hug and Kibum chuckles quietly at them and the way they are attracting other people’s attention. “Are you here for the concert?” he asks, settling into a free chair.
Jonghyun nods, adding, “I was off work and really wanted to see the show.” Kibum nods along to his words for emphasis.
“Do you have a ticket?” Taemin asks quickly. “What seat?”
Jonghyun shakes his head although he’s smiling a bit, even as he declines, “No, I don’t, but I’ll still come.”
“Actually, Taem,” Kibum interrupts, “I was hoping you could help me smuggle him into the backstage area because I’ve never done this before.”
Taemin nods, “Shouldn’t be too hard. I’ve seen other people bring guests before - as long as he stays out of the crew’s way.”
Jonghyun beams, as though up to the challenge, and Kibum has the urge to stuff a piece of his toast into that mouth of his to stifle his ridiculous grin. He ends up trying to, but Jonghyun is faster than him and mimics chomping on his fingers. Taemin giggles at them and Kibum doesn’t remember ever feeling so happy.
The security backstage is surprisingly lax; the boys have no trouble getting Jonghyun in. After that, it’s a matter of keeping him out of people’s way and finding him a spot from where he’ll be able to see the stage. He lingers around in the dancers’ dressing room as Taemin and Kibum get dressed and get their make-up and hair done. Kibum has come to love the pre-concert energy that seems to saturate the air before a show, how everyone is so excited yet anxious and how they all seem to anticipate the moment it will start, unable to stay still. It’s still nerve-wracking and Kibum has a slight suspicion that it always will be, no matter how many times he steps onto a stage, but it’s also exhilarating and, with Jonghyun there to watch him, it’s even more vivid.
He doesn’t notice the way Jonghyun’s eyes linger on him, taking in his smoky eyeliner and fitted pants when he passes by him to take his position under the stage, too focused on the task ahead. He does however lock eyes with him when he retreats backstage to change outfits; Jonghyun follows him wordlessly to the dressing room as he slips off his skinny jeans and tugs on silver pants before rushing in front of a mirror as a make-up artist fixes him up. He passes right by Jonghyun again on his way to the side of the stage, ready to make his entrance, only this time he does lock eyes with him and falters in his steps because of the way Jonghyun’s are dark, evidently appraising him. He swallows thickly and turns back to Taemin instead, who winks at him from the other side of the stage.
Kibum likes to think he’s nothing but professional on stage, but he can’t deny being a little unsettled by the feeling of Jonghyun’s eyes on him, following his every move and it’s harder than usual to keep his concentration where he wants it to. He carefully avoids going near the boy during his last costume change, rushing into the tight black pants and the band’s trademark t-shirt for the finale. He always enjoys that part of the show, fooling around with the others on stage under the raining confetti, because just like his sore limbs, his smile is genuine and earned. He can feel sweat sliding down his temples and dabs at his eyebrows and the corners of his eyes in an attempt to salvage his make-up. Taemin finds him at the other end of the stage and places an arm around his waist, Kibum throwing his own around his shoulder and they wave at the audience with big, tired smiles, making heart signs with their free arms whenever they spot overly-enthusiastic fans.
The artists bow one last time, all lined up on the main stage and the backup dancers retreat, leaving the idols to say their goodbyes. Kibum shrugs out of his damp shirt, leaving him in his equally sweaty tank top, thoughts a blur like they always are after a concert and heart still pounding hard against his ribs, in synch with the music still thrumming in his eardrums. He doesn’t really think about it when he walks right into Jonghyun, can’t bring himself to form a single coherent thought as the boy clasps fingers around his wrist and pulls him in to mutter words against his ear.
“Do you believe me, now, when I tell you you’re a great dancer?” he speaks over the sound of the crowd and loud speakers all around them.
The words - they catch him off guard, setting off a wave of emotion that threatens to overcome him because they have him thinking about nights spent in noreabang bars, of conversations in studios, on his old porch, in his bed. He nods, pulling back to look at Jonghyun in the eye although his sight is suddenly blurring. He’s utterly spent and overwhelmed and thankful and his next words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop them, before he can mull them over and it’s such a relief to speak something he means without thinking that he knows he’ll never regret them.
“I love you.”
He’s already breathless when Jonghyun catches his lips, holding him still for a searing kiss. Kibum’s arms fold around his back, still clutching his wet shirt as he holds onto the other tightly. He’s never been kissed like this, like it’s all heat and no air and he finds himself moving against Jonghyun when he pulls away, the other’s hand falling to his wrist and tugging along. Kibum hurries behind, without a clue as to where Jonghyun is leading them but glad he knows where to go because he himself can’t exactly think right now. He tries to see where they’re headed in the darkness behind the stage but only ends up staring at Jonghyun, unable to tear his gaze away. Suddenly, it hits him: how the boy is exactly the same as when he first saw him, and yet has changed so much in Kibum’s eyes. He’s become so much more than that stranger on the sidewalk.
Jonghyun guides him through a crowded corridor before pulling him into a room and shutting the door behind them. Kibum doesn’t look around much, but he notices a few stray wires and rack after rack of clothing and figures it must be some kind of storage room - but above all he notices it’s completely empty, and when he looks back to Jonghyun, who’s standing so close, trapping him against the door, he reaches forward to pull the boy against him because he wants this. One of Jonghyun’s hands settles on his hip, the other curling around the side of his neck and Kibum doesn’t care about his ruined make-up, about the sweat covering his skin or about the stiffness in his muscles. It feels so good to kiss Jonghyun, to let his hands run down his sides and fist in his shirt, to let his fingers hook in his belt loops and pull him ever closer. He loves him, loves him for everything he’s ever done, for being patient and showing him more than any human ever could.
“I love you,” he mumbles again, against warm lips, and Jonghyun presses their hips together, smothering him with tongue and teeth and making Kibum inhale sharply, effortlessly melting into him. One of Kibum’s hands finds its way into Jonghyun’s hair, smooth to the touch, and he can almost see in his mind’s eye the way Jonghyun’s brow is furrowed, as if he was pouring years of feelings, years of waiting into this moment. The simple thought leaves Kibum even more breathless than those soft yet eager lips on his. He feels shaky, head suddenly spinning when Jonghyun draws back slightly to rest his forehead to Kibum’s.
“I love you so much,” he whispers, though it’s loud and clear in the dark, empty room, and Kibum shivers under his gaze, at the sheer feeling of having Jonghyun close, of having him admit to this. He tilts his head and catches Jonghyun’s lips once more, kissing him hard and exhaling against his skin until he can feel a tear slide down his cheek. Jonghyun wipes it away with his thumb but doesn’t break their kiss, merely returns it like he means it because he always has. Kibum wraps his arms around his neck, holding him as close as possible and Jonghyun clings to him all the same. He doesn’t want to let go. He knows Jonghyun doesn’t either.
They hold hands for the rest of the night, even in front of Taemin who eyes their swollen, red lips knowingly, never letting their linked fingers part. And then, in the middle of the night when they’re sure Taemin is sleeping, snoring lightly in the bed next to theirs, Kibum kisses Jonghyun some more, rolls on top of him and sinks against him, into his embrace because even in this hotel room, in this foreign country, it feels like home.
***
All too soon, the tour comes to an end. Kibum and Taemin stand side by side on their last stage, holding back tears because they’ll both miss this. It was everything Kibum had hoped for it to be and more - and Jonghyun’s impromptu visits had only made it better. It’s with a heavy heart and tired mind that they return to Seoul to pack up, ready to head back to their hometown. Their contracts are already over, but at least the company assures them they’ll be contacted again if another opportunity comes up.
The dancers meet up one last time in the company studio to bid each other goodbye and share pictures and memories before parting ways. Just like Kibum, many of the younger dancers are planning on going back to school, one of which has been accepted into a Japanese university as an exchange student and that gets Kibum thinking.
He does a bit of research while riding the train back to Daegu, with Taemin dozing off in the seat next to his. He finds out that there are many programs offered to Korean students, some seeming very accommodating, and one especially catches his eye. It offers a mix of marketing and media classes along with a major in performing arts and the chance to learn Japanese. Kibum bookmarks the page, interest piqued.
His mother and Taemin’s brother are there to greet them at the train station and help them drag their heavy luggage. Kibum greets his dog, who licks him and runs around his feet for what seems like hours, and brings him up to his bedroom, taking in his small bed, neat desk and guitar case in the corner; it’s good to be home.
It’s good to be home, but thoughts of that exchange program won’t leave his mind. He knows he’ll enjoy staying in Japan since he’s been there before and he knows Jonghyun would follow him there since he’s been showing up during the tour. In other words, it’s up to him.
He talks to his mother about it and she tells him to go for it as long as it’s what he wants. He applies a few days later, receiving his letter of acceptance almost immediately because of his considerable résumé. After that, it becomes a matter of planning and packing his bags anew. His parents offer to pay for his one-way plane ticket since they won’t be able to see him off at the airport.
The day before his departure, Kibum is already all packed apart from a few minor things and the house, his room especially, feels eerily empty with only his small dog for company, his mother fast asleep in another room. He spends the early morning on his laptop, lounging in the middle of his bed, listening to his music on shuffle and soaking up all the memories it brings back. It’s with a pang of nostalgia that he realizes most of them feature Jonghyun.
He eventually heads to the kitchen when his stomach rumbles loudly, Coco trailing down the stairs after him. He opens the front door to check the mailbox, eyebrows rising at once when he finds Jonghyun seated on his porch. The boy jumps up and hugs him tightly, leaving Kibum to chuckle warmly into his neck.
“I’m leaving tomorrow,” he tells Jonghyun once they are back in the kitchen, this particular scene somewhat familiar to Kibum by then.
Jonghyun hums, listening to the other as he leans against the counter while Kibum fetches himself some food.
“Can you…” Kibum begins, distracted as he pours some soup into a bowl and a little unsure as to how to ask for this, “could you stay awake until tomorrow? To see me off at the airport?”
Jonghyun looks up just as he does, eyes round and still that same deep shade of brown that Kibum loves. He nods, simply, and Kibum goes back to stirring his soup. He feeds a few spoonfuls to Jonghyun for the heck of it and once the dishes are clean the boys retreat back to his bedroom to sit on his bed, laptop opened in front of them like they always used to do. Kibum leans into Jonghyun, rests his head on his shoulder and drapes an arm around his waist, thigh resting across Jonghyun’s legs with Coco by his side and he thinks this is perfect and warm and everything he’s missed and wants. He pecks Jonghyun’s jaw, drawing back quickly to watch the smile that stretches his lips soon after.
“Thank you,” he mumbles when Jonghyun turns to look at him. The boy smiles even wider and kisses Kibum in earnest, who loves the feeling of his breath on his cheek as he slips a hand into the other’s long hair, tongues brushing slowly, almost lazily, like both of them want to draw this out because moments like these are far too precious, meant to be kept and remembered with care.
Jonghyun proves true to his promise and is still awake when Kibum wakes up to the sound of his alarm clock the next morning. He groggily gets ready, stuffing the last of his things into his backpack, going around his room one last time to make sure he has everything before calling a taxi. Jonghyun follows him into the backseat, discretely holding his hand throughout the ride to the airport, and helps him unload his suitcases and drag them into the bustling building once they’ve arrived.
Jonghyun stuffs his hands in his pockets, patiently waiting behind him as Kibum checks in his luggage. Once his suitcases are tagged and sent off on the rolling mat behind the counters, he turns to Jonghyun and pulls him to the side.
“Thank you for coming with me,” he says and hugs the shorter boy tightly one last time. Jonghyun is frowning slightly when he pulls away.
“I can’t go further?” he asks, and Kibum goes still for a moment, hands on Jonghyun’s shoulders.
“No?” he answers, although it sounds more like a question because he thinks Jonghyun should remember something like that, like this - albeit temporary - goodbye. Then again, he reasons that maybe Jonghyun would come to another airport with him in the future, which would explain his confusion.
Jonghyun doesn’t nod, doesn’t acknowledge him further and Kibum finds the way he’s staring off into space a little unsettling, leaving him to fiddle with the straps of his backpack. He wants to kiss Jonghyun properly but doesn’t feel comfortable showcasing that in public; he prefers it when such things are for them to share, intimately. He is having a hard time making sense of the look on Jonghyun’s face, so his mind races through things he could say to break the tension and have him smiling, determined to leave Daegu on a good memory. The thought that first strikes him is unexpected, taking even him by surprise but he blurts it out anyway, wondering why his stomach seems to flip as he does so.
“I’ll dye my bangs green as soon as I land,” he says, speeding through the words, “so you’ll know what’s up when you see me next.”
He forces a smile and studies Jonghyun’s face, frown slowly creasing his brow when he notices the boy’s features only seem to darken. Jonghyun looks up into his eyes at once, gaze strained and hinting to an emotion Kibum has never seen in it before. His eyes are too wide, almost too dark, pupils blown out and Kibum feels his breath become shorter because what does this mean, now?
Jonghyun suddenly looks away, off towards the side, one of his hands raising to cover the lower half of his face and his shoulders are shaking by then, chest heaving as he seems to pant into his hand. He crushes his lids shut, arms also trembling and Kibum feels fright take over him. Before he knows it, before he can even react, Jonghyun is dry heaving in front of him, threatening to crumble on his own two legs; Kibum catches him as he stumbles forward, bewildered beyond reason as he holds Jonghyun to his chest and attempts to calm his shivering.
“What?” he croaks out, the word hoarse in his throat but Jonghyun doesn’t answer. “Jjong, w-what’s wrong?”
Kibum is worried sick when Jonghyun only whimpers, unable to answer him - people are beginning to stare at them but Jonghyun just won’t move when he tries to pull him back up to his feet to bring him further away. He feels his shirt dampen and doesn’t know what to think, let alone what to do when he realizes the boy is crying into his chest, clinging to his shirt and arms with a bruising grip.
“Shh,” Kibum tries to calm him, to no avail, and by then a few security guards have gathered around them. Kibum glances to the men almost pleadingly, as if hoping they would have an explanation of some sort but when they ask him what’s happening, Kibum can only shake his head, holding back tears of his own with his breath stuck in his lungs because he’s never been so afraid.
The men end up helping them out by a side exit, out of the public’s view so as to avoid any more disturbance. They practically have to drag Jonghyun along because he just won’t let go of Kibum. The latter tumbles down on the sidewalk alongside Jonghyun, embracing the shaking boy once more, huddling with him on the cement. One of the security guards checks Kibum’s carry-on bag while another asks him if he needs help, an ambulance, anything. Kibum shakes his head, lying through his teeth to them just so they’ll leave them alone which they all eventually do except for one, who looms behind them as Kibum rocks Jonghyun back and forth, caressing his hair and trying so hard not to cry because he doesn’t understand anything and it scares him. It looks and sounds like Jonghyun is having a serious panic attack and he doesn’t know what else to do apart from wait for it to pass, hold him tight and let him cling back to him, no matter how much it hurts.
He has no idea how much time he spends like that on the pavement, heart beating wildly in his chest. He eventually recovers enough to speak in a soft tone, whispering soothing words to the boy in his arms whose breathing is slowly becoming a little less laboured.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he speaks mindlessly, and that phrase seems to have the most calming effect on Jonghyun. He repeats it over and over again, until he can’t even understand what he’s saying anymore, until the words lose their meaning to him but it works and Jonghyun sheds his last tears, breathing deeply into his neck.
He combs through Jonghyun’s hair gently with his fingers, but when he tries to move off the ground, Jonghyun holds him down with all his weight.
“I’m bringing you home, Jjong,” he tells him, trying his best to sound comforting even though he’s far from it himself. “I’m not leaving you,” he adds, and Jonghyun eases up a little, nodding into his shoulder. “Are you ready to go home?” he asks softly.
Jonghyun doesn’t really answer, not audibly at least, but he lets himself be pulled up by Kibum. Once the latter gets him to stand, Kibum cradles his face to look at him properly and wipes his tears.
“Can you walk?”
Jonghyun answers with another nod, slightly more self-assured this time, although he’s still clinging to Kibum’s shirt. Kibum asks the security guard to get them a taxi as he slowly helps Jonghyun towards to main entrance. Soon, the guard is steering them towards a waiting car and Kibum thanks him curtly before getting in. He rubs Jonghyun’s back throughout the ride, mind still reeling from it all; he has never seen Jonghyun like this before and it’s driving him crazy with worry.
Jonghyun seems somewhat calmer by the time they reach his house, Kibum hurrying to pay the driver, unsure what to expect now. He does the only thing he can think of and brings Jonghyun up to his bedroom. He lies him down on his bed alongside Coco, meaning to fetch a cold, damp towel from the bathroom but Jonghyun won’t let go of him, still, so he settles down on his bed next to him.
“What’s wrong? Jjong, please tell me what’s wrong,” he implores, but Jonghyun’s mouth remains shut and his tears spill over once more. Kibum is at a loss for what to do and it pains him to only be able to stand by at a time like this, so utterly lost as to how to fix it. He ends up shedding tears of his own as Jonghyun holds him all too tightly, almost desperately.
They stay like that for a long time and, at some point, exhaustion and weariness take over, making him succumb to a restless sleep.
He is woken up by the sound of his ringtone and rolls over in his bed to stretch an arm, blindly searching for his bag on the floor. He eventually finds it nearby and fumbles around the many pockets for his phone.
“Hello?” he speaks sleepily, rolling onto his back and frowning when his shoulder bumps into something.
“K-Kibum?” a frantic voice asks, which he only recognizes a few seconds later as his mother’s. He reaches to his side with his free hand, meaning to push Coco out of the way but what he touches doesn’t feel like fur.
“Yeah?” he answers, uncertain all of a sudden because when he forces his eyes open for the first time, he sees a body lying down beside him.
“Oh thank god you’re okay,” she chokes out, sounding breathless which is exactly how Kibum feels when he realizes it’s none other than Jonghyun laid out beside him, unmoving.
“W-what?” is all he can utter, stuttering because it really looks like Jonghyun is sleeping. He stares at the back of the boy’s head, noting how his chest is moving steadily, breathing in and out and when he leans over him to get a closer look, he sees those same tear tracks, dried now, run down his cheeks.
“Where are you?” his mother asks, jolting him back to attention as he hovers above Jonghyun, taking in how surreal this all is.
“I’m,” he starts, stopping to clear his throat when the rest of the words won’t come out, “I’m at home.”
“Thank god,” she says again, followed by what sounds like a sob and Kibum suddenly feels very awake, wondering just what the hell is going on.
“I’m fine, mom, what is it?”
“The plane,” she speaks in a rush, slightly incoherent, “your plane - there was an accident…” She trails off, and it’s obvious by her heavy breathing that she’s crying. “There was a fire aboard and I…”
Kibum freezes, unable to process what she’s saying exactly because did Jonghyun just save his life?
“Kibum?” he hears his mother say when he remains silent, too shocked to speak.
Slowly, Jonghyun’s eyes flutter open and his arms stretch out by his sides, his hand bumping into Kibum’s hip as he yawns. He looks drained, his hair a mess and his gaze foggy with sleep, until he notices Kibum staring at him intently. He freezes in turn, going completely still as his eyes widen in a way that brings Kibum to believe he doesn’t know what’s happening either.
“Kibum?” his mother repeats, louder. Jonghyun perks up at the sound.
“Yes?” he breathes out, still staring at the other boy.
“Are you alright?” she asks again, needing reassurance.
“Yeah, I…” he pauses to swallow thickly, carefully studied by Jonghyun, “I missed my flight. I wasn’t there - when it caught fire.”
He feels more than he sees Jonghyun go stiff beside him, a faraway look in his eyes.
“I’m coming home as soon as my shift ends,” his mother says urgently, “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” he responds mechanically and she hangs up, the line going dead.
He lets his phone slip through his fingers, landing on the mattress between them with a soft thump. Coco gets up from where he was curled up at the foot of the bed to sniff around it with a wagging tail.
“You saved my life,” Kibum states, and saying it out loud makes it seem even more real, makes him realize that it really could have all ended. Jonghyun throws him an unsure look, brown eyes glazed over with confusion as if he doesn’t understand any more of it than Kibum does. “You saved my life,” he repeats, because it’s slowly starting to sink in, as terrifying as it is to admit.
Jonghyun frowns, pensive, seemingly elsewhere.
“Jonghyun, what happened?”
That brings him back to focus and finally, finally he opens his mouth to speak.
“I…” he starts, looking part confused and part thoughtful. “When you said you’d dye your hair green, well, I couldn’t remember ever seeing you with green hair. And then I realized I-” he stops again, thoughtful.
Kibum merely nods, urging him on.
“I realized I didn’t remember what was supposed to happen next, how we’d part and it seemed like an important moment, one that I would’ve remembered,” he explains, voice slightly gruff from sleep and tears. “But there was nothing. I couldn’t remember anything so I panicked - and then I couldn’t remember panicking and that’s something I would’ve definitely remembered so it made me panic even more.”
His tone is becoming a bit shaky as he speaks; Kibum places a hand on his side, rubbing his waist to keep him talking.
Jonghyun frowns, carrying on in a low murmur, “And now, no matter how hard I think I can’t seem to find any memories of you as an adult.” He exhales at once, trying to keep his breathing steady. “I think you were meant to die,” and Kibum’s hand fists in his shirt. “But I changed that. Or you did. But the future changed and now I think I’m… stuck. Here.”
“Maybe it was supposed to happen this way?” Kibum tries when Jonghyun doesn’t go on. “Maybe you can’t remember the future because you’d be stuck here?”
Jonghyun doesn’t answer right away, his frown never leaving his brow. He shifts on the mattress, ill at ease.
“I don’t think so, Kibum,” he eventually speaks, looking up to meet his eyes. “I really feel like something… changed. I feel lost,” he adds, and Kibum has no trouble believing that; it’s easy to see. “It feels different.”
Kibum’s gaze drops back to the mattress and the pup between them, feeling just as lost, just as clueless as Jonghyun seems to be and yet there’s something else, too.
“So,” he says, clearing his throat, tentatively locking eyes with Jonghyun’s again, a bit reassured to see the boy’s expression has softened a little, “you think you’re really…?”
“Yeah,” Jonghyun breathes, and Kibum never expected that simple word to sound so wonderful.
They stare at each other and Kibum can feel his eyes beginning to water and surely enough, a choked-out sob splutters out of his mouth and he’s left to repeat broken thank you’s, for him and for everything, and Jonghyun pulls him into a hug. He crawls over Coco and hugs him back, this boy to whom he owes so much.
“You’re stuck with me, now,” Jonghyun says, voice muffled by Kibum’s shoulder, quivering like his own even though he’s trying to tease, and Kibum laughs, laughs until more tears stream down his cheeks because he thinks it’s fitting, how they both managed to stumble into everything they’ve ever wished for. That it’s up to them, now.
***
“What do we do now?” Jonghyun asks, a while later, with his fingers tangled in Kibum’s blond locks as he eyes the other’s reddened lips, unused to living so entirely in the moment.
Kibum runs his hand down his bare chest and ducks down to kiss the bruising mark on his neck.
“I was thinking ice cream?”
Jonghyun chuckles beneath him.
“Ice cream it is,” he simply agrees.
← End
______________
A/N: End \o/ because the future should be ours.
Key's hair: blond as before, Sherlock + hinted green Sherlock (source: as tagged, cr: fuckyeahdivakey).
First off, thank you to my beautiful friend who agreed to read this fic over. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the time you put into this.
Huuuuge thank you to everyone who’s reading this right now :) and thank you thank you thank you to everyone who left comments - to be honest, this fic was very (unexpectedly so) hard to write at times, so it really does mean a lot ♥. A lot a lot ♥♥.
That being said, I really hope you’ve enjoyed this!
Rating: PG-15
Genre: Coming-of-Age, AU, Sci-Fi
Beta-ed by: desiderada
Summary: Time is to Jonghyun as colours are to the blind. To Kibum, it just keeps moving forward, but that doesn't mean what's ahead isn't up to him.
← Part V
______________
Living on his own with Taemin is different, but he quickly adapts. He’s twenty one now; cooking his own meals and doing his own laundry is nothing new to him, however the mess on Taemin’s side of the bedroom, well, is. He tries nagging about it but when that proves useless, he resorts to picking up after the younger boy himself.
There are other downfalls to sharing a bedroom, he soon discovers after Jonghyun’s first visit to their dorm. Sharing a bed like he’s so used to is awkward enough already with Taemin right next to them, but having Jonghyun mysteriously gone every morning is definitely a challenge to explain. Of course, Taemin still thinks they are dating, but Kibum doesn’t have the urge to correct him anymore - if only because it’s simpler that way, he assures himself.
“Why does Jonghyun-hyung leave early every time he’s here?” Taemin asks as they trek back to their dorm after an entire day of training with the rest of the dance group.
“He works very early,” Kibum blurts out tiredly, dragging his sore feet and legs up the stairs.
“Oh,” Taemin speaks before going quiet for a few steps. “Where does he work?”
Kibum frowns and avoids the younger’s curious gaze. “Um,” he mutters, his weary mind unable to think of anything at that moment, “I don’t really know, exactly.”
Taemin only hums, seemingly unconcerned and Kibum is thankful for it. The elder sighs as they unlock their door, aware that their bathroom and kitchen need scrubbing and that he should take care of his bills before the end of the month but he can’t say no when Taemin suggests they play on his console. He hadn’t believed Kibum at first when the elder had told him he didn’t know any PlayStation games but had quickly taken to teaching him how to play. Kibum doesn’t mind it - he doesn’t really have anything else to do apart from his work and chores in this still-foreign city, which is why more often than not he ends up next to the young dancer on their beige couch in the middle of their otherwise empty living room whenever they both have some free time.
Training for the tour is definitely hard, physically and mentally, demanding in ways Kibum would have never expected, but he likes it somehow. He is willing to work hard for this, and that is exactly what he does.
The company’s studio becomes more familiar to him than his and Taemin’s dorm since he literally spends entire days there. So much is expected of them and Kibum is beginning to feel the pressure more and more. He does his best to cope, even when his faults and weaknesses are thrown back at him, and manages to find some sort of middle ground. He’s not perfect, but he’s not the worst and he makes sure to always give his all. Hard work and genuine effort keep him out of trouble.
He can barely contain his excitement before their first full rehearsal. He is awfully nervous, yes, but imagining the stage and spotlights and roaring crowd in the place of the bland backdrop of the mirrored practice room pumps him up like nothing else. Still, he keeps himself grounded by repeating in his mind that this is his job, his work now and that he is here to give his best performance. But that doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy it, too.
***
“Shoot! Shoot!” Jonghyun yells even though he’s sitting right next to Kibum.
“I’m trying!” he shouts back, tilting the controller as if it would help anything. Taemin merely snickers from where he’s huddled up further down on their couch, mercilessly beating Kibum at his favourite sports game.
Taemin, predictably, makes the save and ends the match, bringing the total up to six-nothing for him. Kibum lets out a frustrated whine, groaning as he hands the controller over to Jonghyun.
“Please don’t tell me you’re better than me,” he laments by his side and has to keep from groaning out loud again when Jonghyun thumbs through the controls with ease, apparently no stranger to this.
“I hate you,” he mutters under his breath, turning away from the boy who, irritatingly, chuckles and leans back into him. Kibum is forced to watch as Jonghyun puts up a good fight against Taemin, only to go down in the end and lose three to two.
Kibum snatches the controller when the other hands it back to him while sticking his tongue out, looking every bit the overgrown kid he is. Taemin takes pity on Kibum and puts on another game: racing this time. Kibum turns out to be much better at it and he fiercely maintains he would have won if Jonghyun hadn’t been distracting him, mainly by tiptoeing his fingers up and across his thigh. If Taemin had noticed, he doesn’t mention it and it’s part of the reason why Kibum is so glad to have him as a roommate, even despite his messiness.
“My parents are coming to Seoul next Sunday,” the youngest speaks up, mindlessly going through the video game’s menu to pick another course, “they want to come visit. Will you be free, Jonghyun-hyung?”
Kibum tenses up at that, resigning himself to let the other handle this one. He looks thoughtful for a few seconds and Kibum once again is left wondering what it must be like to have memories from the future, memories without a proper time frame.
“Yeah. I’ll be here,” he says and Kibum’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Jonghyun grants him a brief, knowing smile of sorts, leaving him then to wonder why, if anything, he remembers that particular event.
After Taemin has gone off to bed some time later, Kibum and Jonghyun stay on the couch as they usually do; at least until the youngest is done using the bathroom, getting ready for bed. Kibum waits until he hears the door shut followed by the soft “click” of the light switch before voicing what has been on his mind.
“Why do you remember Taemin’s parents visiting?” he asks, turning his head to look at the other who is sitting pressed against his side, arm slung behind Kibum on the backrest and one of his thighs resting partly atop his. Kibum’s legs are drawn up to the other side, opposite arm across Jonghyun’s lap for balance.
Jonghyun smiles - Kibum can see the way his cheek tightens, the corner of his lips lifting as his gaze remains up front, on the television. Kibum nudges him with his shoulder when he doesn’t answer and only keeps grinning cryptically.
“Jonghyun,” Kibum speaks, tone more assertive but, at the same time, brow furrowing in anticipation.
“It’s something good,” he finally explains, as though wanting to reassure Kibum. He finally turns to look at him and Kibum grants him a small, albeit unsure smile.
“Yeah?” he says, knowing better than to expect Jonghyun to follow through with it. To his surprise, Jonghyun’s smile tilts at that, curving into a smirk of sorts as his eyes roam Kibum’s face.
“Hmm,” he hums, and the way his gaze drops to his lips and lingers there doesn’t confuse him as much as it makes him anxious. Anxious because he thinks he can tell what Jonghyun is alluding to and because even if they’ve kissed twice, this is still new to him. Yet, as he stares back at Jonghyun’s full lower lip in return, he realizes that might not be such a bad thing.
***
The following Sunday, Kibum walks out of the bedroom while groggily rubbing his eyes to find Taemin and Jonghyun seated side by side on the couch, playing video games. He smiles at the sight, hand going up to comb through his bed head and resorts to clearing out his throat when neither notices him standing by in the hallway, too absorbed in their match.
They both look up at the same time and someone hits pause. Kibum doesn’t even notice Taemin’s expression; he’s too focused on Jonghyun’s soft smile.
“I went down to check our mailbox and Jonghyun-hyung was at the door, about to buzz us,” Taemin explains and it has Kibum holding back an amused grin, secretly exchanging a knowing gaze full of implied memories with Jonghyun.
Kibum hums. “Hey,” he adds, greeting Jonghyun before shuffling onto the couch between them, still in his pyjamas. He leans into Jonghyun, head resting on his shoulder and shuts his eyes, still very sleepy. The boys restart the game and he can feel the muscles in Jonghyun’s shoulder move against his cheek as he handles the controller. Kibum feels so at ease, at peace almost that he falls asleep again after heaving a contented sigh.
Taemin’s parents call him some time before noon, announcing that they’ll soon be there. Kibum heads off to the bathroom to change and get ready. He turns on the shower and, even through the sound of pouring water, he can hear music filtering in from the bedroom where Jonghyun must be looking through his clothes. He shakes his head and washes himself in a hurry, eager to find out what Jonghyun will have picked for the day.
He returns to the shared bedroom wrapped up to his shoulders in his large towel, peeking inside before entering. Jonghyun is sprawled out on his tiny bed, staring at the ceiling and sporting an obnoxiously yellow t-shirt - one of Kibum’s - and black skinny jeans that he doesn’t recognize so he figures they must be Taemin’s.
The boy hears him enter, but he doesn’t look his way as he speaks up.
“I think I like the ceiling of your bedroom better.”
Kibum chuckles, looking through his drawer for clothes.
“You’re so weird,” he reproaches, but it comes out lightly.
“I’ve just spent a lot of time staring at both,” Jonghyun says simply, as if it were the most natural thing to confess. Kibum quickly pulls on briefs and pants before crawling into his bed. Jonghyun sits up, looking into his eyes as the boy leans in close, right into his personal space.
“I’m sorry,” he apologizes, feeling genuinely guilty about leaving Jonghyun to himself so much.
“Don’t be,” Jonghyun tells him, that small smile of his momentarily wiping away Kibum’s worries. He can’t help but smile back, although it turns sly when his gaze slides down to the other’s chest.
“You know,” he speaks, poking a finger at Jonghyun’s sternum, “I was planning on wearing that shirt today.” When Jonghyun smirks back, it occurs to him that he might have worn it on purpose.
“We can share?” Jonghyun suggests, sounding innocent enough but the glint in his eyes says otherwise.
Kibum lets out a guffaw at the mix of expressions on the other’s face, but it turns into a screech when Jonghyun pushes him back on the mattress, wrestling him and trying to pull the hem of his shirt over Kibum’s head as if to prove a point. They’re both laughing and Kibum is trying to wriggle out of Jonghyun’s legs that are tightly wrapped around his after having successfully pinned the boy’s hands back when he sees Taemin enter the bedroom from the corner of his eye. They all freeze - until Taemin promptly turns around and walks right back out. Jonghyun and Kibum exchange a glance, still holding their precarious stances, before bursting into laughter anew. Jonghyun lets him go and rolls onto his back, the sound fading into low, repeated chuckles that make his chest shake. Kibum drapes himself over him, simply because he can, and rests his chin on his chest, feeling every deep rumble thrum through him. One of Jonghyun’s hands comes up to card through his blond locks and Kibum wishes he could spend every moment just like this.
Unfortunately, the sound of a buzzer rings through the small dorm along with Taemin excitedly shouting “They’re here!” leaving Kibum to scramble off the bed and slip on the first shirt he can find. Jonghyun, in turn, goes up to his laptop to shut off his music player before following the other out of the room.
The front door swings open just in time and Taemin’s parents, along with another presence behind them that looks like an older, taller version of Taemin, are immediately greeted with hugs from their son. The youngest introduces them while Jonghyun and Kibum bow at the waist. As expected, the third guest turns out to be Taemin’s older brother.
Lunch passes by in a blur of fast-paced conversation between the Lee family along with most of the afternoon. Taemin insists on showing them the company building and their studio-slash-home before they all retreat back to the dorm. It seems even smaller now that it’s housing six people and Kibum gladly accepts Mrs. Lee’s praise when she notes just how clean it is. She goes on to thank him for looking after her son and Kibum assures her that’s it’s nothing, that he’s just as pleased to room with Taemin as the younger is.
They don’t stay very late, anticipating the long drive back to Daegu and claiming that the boys should be taking advantage of their very few days off to catch up on sleep. Kibum actually feels exhausted once he’s waved goodbye and closed the door behind them. The three of them heat up the supper Taemin’s parents had brought for them and eat in a tired but comfortable silence. Kibum has grown so used to Jonghyun’s presence all day that he forgets for a moment that the boy probably won’t be sitting on his couch the next morning to greet him and steal some of his clothes. However, it all comes back to him when Taemin excuses himself and heads for the bedroom, leaving Kibum to become hyper-aware of the way Jonghyun is and has been staring at him. He gets up and busies himself by washing the dishes, trying to push all thoughts of Jonghyun disappearing to the back of his mind.
“I’m here now, you know,” Jonghyun’s smooth voice speaks behind him. He can sense him standing a few steps away and wonders if the boy knew what he was thinking because he knows him so well or because he remembers the future, this exchange in particular.
He finishes drying off the plates and cutlery before turning around, his smile feeling slightly forced. Jonghyun seems to notice and reaches out to take his hand, rubbing their palms together.
“Yeah,” Kibum breathes out, agreeing, and no matter how hard he tries he can’t give his tone the cheerful edge he wants it to have. Jonghyun quietly pulls him to the couch, where he settles beside him and plays with his fingers, the touch somewhat soothing. Kibum stares blankly ahead for a while, listening to the sound of the shower running before turning his head to look at Jonghyun in earnest.
The boy’s fingers stop fiddling with his, returning the gaze intently as he waits for Kibum to talk. The latter looks into the boy’s dark, slightly rounded eyes and realizes that he has no reason to be nothing but honest with him.
“Sometimes I’m still afraid you’ll disappear forever,” he shares flatly. Jonghyun raises a hand to touch his cheek, lightly caressing his cheekbone and tracing his jawline in one smooth motion. He smiles, for some reason, and Kibum wishes he could see the world, this world, as he does.
“You’ll see me again,” he assures him, smile unwavering. “Don’t worry about that.”
“I try not to,” Kibum admits. “But don’t you?”
“Hmm?” Jonghyun asks absent-mindedly, observing the slide of his fingertips over smooth skin.
“Don’t you ever worry about it?”
Jonghyun’s hand drops to Kibum’s neck and stays there, heavy. His eyes grow unfocused, as if looking past Kibum and, once more, the latter is left to wonder what it is that he sees, what it is that he remembers.
“Kibum,” Jonghyun eventually speaks, solemn, gaze back to its usual depth, “to be here, to have met you - it’s more than I could ever have asked for.”
Kibum nods. It’s short and abrupt but Jonghyun gets the point.
“Do you love me?” he asks, straightforward as always.
Jonghyun chuckles, effectively breaking the mood.
“You still don’t get it, do you?” he says, but there’s no real bite to his tone, which is more amused than anything. “I always have.”
When Kibum leans forward, it’s as deliberate as it is slow because even if he still doesn’t really know what to expect, he’s more than willing to try.
Jonghyun meets him halfway because he’s good at that. At making Kibum try things and making him feel like he can.
***
Kibum wakes up the next morning on his couch, tucked into one of his bed sheets. He’s flooded with memories of the previous day as he slowly drifts back to consciousness. Images of Jonghyun’s closed eyelids, of the crumpled fabric of his shirt and of Kibum’s fisted hand around it, of parted, full lips and of tousled hair take over his thoughts and prove to be a bit much for his still-sleepy mind to take. Kisses. Nothing more to it, and yet the feelings they evoke are still so fresh, so vivid. Or maybe it has less to do with the kisses and more to do with the revelation that Jonghyun loves him.
He begins his day almost mechanically, but he rights himself soon enough when one of the dance instructors shakes him out of it. One day morphs into the next, blurred by routine, and soon two weeks have gone by. The date of the first concert is steadily approaching and Kibum is acutely aware of how much work he still has ahead of him, doubling his efforts if anything to be on top of it all. It’s tiring, and he wishes Jonghyun were there to spur him on but he isn’t, so he deals with it to his best while hoping it will pay off.
Their second full length rehearsal goes by much more smoothly than their first; Kibum is even praised by one of the coaches. He falls into his bed that night to the sound of Taemin’s light snores with a smile, thoughts a mixture of dance moves and spotlights and memories of soothing words spoken to his ear in the dead of night.
Their last complete rehearsal in the company studio is rather a success and Kibum isn’t the only one beaming when the choreographers bid them goodnight and remind them to rest well before meeting at the concert venue the next day. And yet, when he wakes up he feels more nervous than he’s ever felt and he can’t even bring himself to eat a single bite of the breakfast Taemin has prepared.
“That’s normal,” Taemin tells him, and Kibum chooses to believe him considering the younger boy doesn’t touch much of his breakfast either.
The boys make sure to arrive early - only the stage technicians and coordinators as well as a few hair and make-up artists are there before them. Kibum ends up talking to one of the latter when she compliments him on his hair and she goes on to tell him about a hairstyle she would like to try. Urged on by Taemin who agrees it would look great, he lets the young stylist cut the sides and back of his head shorter than the rest and dye it a very dark, almost-black brown. Kibum, who is no stranger to dye and haircuts, has to admit Taemin was right, pleased when he tilts his head in front of the mirror and his long blond fringe sweeps to the side to reveal the darker layer beneath. It’s a short but welcome distraction from his bubbling nerves and soon the backstage dressing rooms are filling up with more and more dancers, some looking as relaxed as can be while others seem even more nervous than Kibum feels. When the idols arrive, they look deadbeat, as if they haven’t slept a wink and yet they greet everyone with bright smiles. It’s admirable, in a way, and Kibum thinks they could probably teach him a thing or two on how to handle pressure.
It gets worse and worse from there: by the time he’s done with make-up and has changed into his first set of clothes for the show, he gives up trying to stay calm. Taemin is also agitated, although to him it’s partly due to excitement as opposed to only anxiety. The younger boy does his best to reassure Kibum even if the latter isn’t really listening. His eyes remain glued to the small monitor once the concert begins only for him to be dragged down the stairs by Taemin when the time comes to take their positions under the stage, ready to climb up for the second chorus.
He doesn’t blank out or mess up any of the moves, nor does he trip over his own feet or the long silvery confetti that eventually litter the floorboards. He catches himself smiling eagerly at Taemin when they hurriedly change clothes in between performances. When the last song ends and the last confetti guns pop, he joins the entire concert cast on stage to bow and he doesn’t have to fake the width of his smile or the jump to his step. He hugs Taemin, part relief and part happiness because this? It was finally worth it.
He’s still on a high after the audience has left but Taemin assures him that’s also normal and that he won’t be able to fall asleep for a few hours still, so both boys end up on their beige couch, playing video games well into the early morning. Kibum keeps losing - that hasn’t changed - but his mood doesn’t dampen because although he knows he’ll have to go through the pre-performance stress and stage fright all over again, he also knows how thrilling it will be once the music starts and the venue lights up.
The next few concerts all take place within Seoul’s vicinity; it isn’t until two and a half weeks into the tour that they have to pack their bags and actually begin touring. Living on the road and in suitcases in quite a hassle but they all manage. Kibum has made it a habit of his to double check hotel rooms after Taemin because, more often than not, the younger leaves things behind. At least he never forgets his console, bringing it everywhere with him so that they can continue their streak of post-concert gaming.
The tour’s first stop is Taiwan, where they arrive late at night and the different time zone does nothing to help that. Kibum spends the entire bus ride from the airport to their hotel thinking about what he could possibly say to Taemin to explain Jonghyun’s possible impromptu appearances in case he does show up during the tour.
He still hasn’t thought of anything by the time the bus pulls up in front of the hotel. He looks around cautiously before retrieving his baggages when he doesn’t see the familiar figure.
Some of the dancers and other personnel decide to go out for a very late meal but Taemin and Kibum prefer heading straight to bed. Both are in the lobby, waiting for their turn to check in when Kibum feels fingers prodding his waist. He doesn’t turn around, instead groggily asking, “What is it, Tae?”
It isn’t until he hears the younger boy chuckle from a distance and feels the hand slide to his stomach, wrapping him into an embrace of sorts that he realizes what’s going on.
“Jjong!” he lets out at once, hugging the boy back even though he’s still mindful of Taemin’ presence, knowing full well that he can’t play off his surprise after this. It’ll be up to Jonghyun to explain himself.
“What are you doing here?” Taemin asks, beating Kibum to it as he addresses Jonghyun.
“I have relatives in the area,” Jonghyun says and Kibum thinks he could kiss him just for that. “I knew you’d be here so I came by.”
Taemin looks pleased, albeit still tired, and when he reaches backwards to pull his suitcase along in the line, Jonghyun takes advantage of the moment to grant Kibum a quick wink.
“I was waiting for you,” he adds then, eyes still locked with Kibum’s and it feels like the latter is only beginning to grasp the immensity of that statement.
“I’ll handle it,” Taemin says once it’s their turn at the reception desk. Kibum means to follow but Jonghyun grips his elbow and keeps him in place, leaving Kibum to stare at him curiously. His expression has changed - he looks a bit lost, actually. He leans in, placing his mouth next to Kibum’s ear.
“When and where are we?” he whispers, sounding hesitant as he asks.
“Taiwan,” Kibum tells him, slightly amused, “the tour just started.”
Jonghyun nods, decidedly more at ease now that he remembers. He smiles brightly when Taemin turns around, handing Kibum one of the hotel room keys.
“You have a rehearsal tomorrow, right?” Jonghyun suddenly speaks up. Taemin nods heartily but Kibum studies him with a narrowed gaze.
“Today, actually,” the youngest clarifies after a quick glance to his cell phone, clock indicating it to be well past midnight.
“Could I come?” Jonghyun asks out of the blue, which Kibum can only blink to, perplexed, until he realizes what the boy probably has in mind.
“Sure,” he blurts out when it all catches up to him. “You could stay with us,” he quickly adds, then, and they both know it’s more for Taemin’s sake, “since it’s only in a few hours anyway.” And since Jonghyun has nowhere else to go - that much is implied.
“Great.”
Both Kibum and Taemin are yawning by the time they make it to their room. Taemin bids the other two goodnight, retreating to the bathroom to speed through his nightly routine while the other two linger by the beds.
“If you remember tomorrow, does that mean you’ll stay awake until then?” Kibum asks hastily, voice hushed, aware that they don’t have much time before younger joins them again.
Jonghyun nods before looking at him seriously once more. “Only if you don’t mind.”
“You know I don’t,” Kibum answers without missing a beat.
“Are you sure?” Jonghyun carries on, but his tone takes on a teasing edge. “I mean you don’t mind sharing your bed? Because I think this one is even smaller than your usual single.”
Kibum rolls his eyes and smacks his chest, Jonghyun letting himself fall onto the mattress at the touch. The truth is Kibum is more than glad to share his bed with him, no matter how small, but he thinks Jonghyun knows that already and, judging by his smile as he scoots up in the bed, always knew.
Kibum feeds him a few cups of coffee from the hotel’s buffet the next morning and watching the boy cringe at the bitter, acquired taste proves to be quite entertaining - at least until Taemin helps him pour more sugar than should be considered healthy into his cup, then it’s Kibum’s turn to cringe.
Rehearsing with Jonghyun around is distracting but Kibum can’t deny loving having him there. He looks so excited, and Kibum wonders if it’s more a product of all the sugar and caffeine he ingested or a genuine feeling. He figures it’s a bit of both when Jonghyun keeps running up to him after every performance. The boy has a hard time standing still, sometimes getting in the way of the venue’s personnel so after his third warning, Kibum drags him to one of the empty auditorium’s seats and pushes him into the folding chair, pointing a finger at him and declaring, “Stay.”
Jonghyun nods, a little less energetically as he is starting to tire out, and Kibum can’t help but lean down and place a kiss to his forehead. He squeezes the boy’s hand as a parting gesture and means to let go and get back to work but Jonghyun pulls him back and kisses him lightly on the lips. He still smells like coffee but tastes sweet, and Kibum would give anything to just sit on his lap in this secluded part of the venue and kiss him over and over again but he has to go. He grants Jonghyun an apologetic look and the boy simply smiles back before letting go of his hand.
The rehearsal lasts longer than expected, and it’s already late-afternoon before Kibum catches a break and goes back into the audience to check on Jonghyun. However, the seat he left him in is empty, leaving Kibum to hope with all his might that he would get to see him again soon.
***
Kibum’s mother calls him one day and excitedly tells him that there was an article about the concert in the local newspaper and that she had spotted him in one of the pictures. Apparently, some parts of it will be broadcast on television and she promises him that she and his father will watch it. Kibum thanks her, for everything, and means it.
Out of all the cities Kibum gets to see, Tokyo is the one that stands out the most to him. He discovers a hidden interest in travel, in foreign cities and cultures; every place is so different, it’s eye-opening in a way. He feels lost but it’s thrilling, and he wonders if that may be how Jonghyun feels whenever he’s on Earth.
Kibum is also a little biased towards Tokyo because the morning of the concert, he wakes up to find Jonghyun loitering around in the lobby while on his way to breakfast. Jonghyun stands up immediately upon seeing him and barely has time to open his mouth before Kibum informs him:
“Tokyo. The concert’s later today.”
The large smile that takes over Jonghyun’s features at that has Kibum arching an eyebrow, eyeing him amusedly. Taemin eventually joins them in the hotel restaurant, looking both surprised and pleased to see Jonghyun there.
“Jonghyun-hyung!” he exclaims as he nears their table. He even pulls the other into a short hug and Kibum chuckles quietly at them and the way they are attracting other people’s attention. “Are you here for the concert?” he asks, settling into a free chair.
Jonghyun nods, adding, “I was off work and really wanted to see the show.” Kibum nods along to his words for emphasis.
“Do you have a ticket?” Taemin asks quickly. “What seat?”
Jonghyun shakes his head although he’s smiling a bit, even as he declines, “No, I don’t, but I’ll still come.”
“Actually, Taem,” Kibum interrupts, “I was hoping you could help me smuggle him into the backstage area because I’ve never done this before.”
Taemin nods, “Shouldn’t be too hard. I’ve seen other people bring guests before - as long as he stays out of the crew’s way.”
Jonghyun beams, as though up to the challenge, and Kibum has the urge to stuff a piece of his toast into that mouth of his to stifle his ridiculous grin. He ends up trying to, but Jonghyun is faster than him and mimics chomping on his fingers. Taemin giggles at them and Kibum doesn’t remember ever feeling so happy.
The security backstage is surprisingly lax; the boys have no trouble getting Jonghyun in. After that, it’s a matter of keeping him out of people’s way and finding him a spot from where he’ll be able to see the stage. He lingers around in the dancers’ dressing room as Taemin and Kibum get dressed and get their make-up and hair done. Kibum has come to love the pre-concert energy that seems to saturate the air before a show, how everyone is so excited yet anxious and how they all seem to anticipate the moment it will start, unable to stay still. It’s still nerve-wracking and Kibum has a slight suspicion that it always will be, no matter how many times he steps onto a stage, but it’s also exhilarating and, with Jonghyun there to watch him, it’s even more vivid.
He doesn’t notice the way Jonghyun’s eyes linger on him, taking in his smoky eyeliner and fitted pants when he passes by him to take his position under the stage, too focused on the task ahead. He does however lock eyes with him when he retreats backstage to change outfits; Jonghyun follows him wordlessly to the dressing room as he slips off his skinny jeans and tugs on silver pants before rushing in front of a mirror as a make-up artist fixes him up. He passes right by Jonghyun again on his way to the side of the stage, ready to make his entrance, only this time he does lock eyes with him and falters in his steps because of the way Jonghyun’s are dark, evidently appraising him. He swallows thickly and turns back to Taemin instead, who winks at him from the other side of the stage.
Kibum likes to think he’s nothing but professional on stage, but he can’t deny being a little unsettled by the feeling of Jonghyun’s eyes on him, following his every move and it’s harder than usual to keep his concentration where he wants it to. He carefully avoids going near the boy during his last costume change, rushing into the tight black pants and the band’s trademark t-shirt for the finale. He always enjoys that part of the show, fooling around with the others on stage under the raining confetti, because just like his sore limbs, his smile is genuine and earned. He can feel sweat sliding down his temples and dabs at his eyebrows and the corners of his eyes in an attempt to salvage his make-up. Taemin finds him at the other end of the stage and places an arm around his waist, Kibum throwing his own around his shoulder and they wave at the audience with big, tired smiles, making heart signs with their free arms whenever they spot overly-enthusiastic fans.
The artists bow one last time, all lined up on the main stage and the backup dancers retreat, leaving the idols to say their goodbyes. Kibum shrugs out of his damp shirt, leaving him in his equally sweaty tank top, thoughts a blur like they always are after a concert and heart still pounding hard against his ribs, in synch with the music still thrumming in his eardrums. He doesn’t really think about it when he walks right into Jonghyun, can’t bring himself to form a single coherent thought as the boy clasps fingers around his wrist and pulls him in to mutter words against his ear.
“Do you believe me, now, when I tell you you’re a great dancer?” he speaks over the sound of the crowd and loud speakers all around them.
The words - they catch him off guard, setting off a wave of emotion that threatens to overcome him because they have him thinking about nights spent in noreabang bars, of conversations in studios, on his old porch, in his bed. He nods, pulling back to look at Jonghyun in the eye although his sight is suddenly blurring. He’s utterly spent and overwhelmed and thankful and his next words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop them, before he can mull them over and it’s such a relief to speak something he means without thinking that he knows he’ll never regret them.
“I love you.”
He’s already breathless when Jonghyun catches his lips, holding him still for a searing kiss. Kibum’s arms fold around his back, still clutching his wet shirt as he holds onto the other tightly. He’s never been kissed like this, like it’s all heat and no air and he finds himself moving against Jonghyun when he pulls away, the other’s hand falling to his wrist and tugging along. Kibum hurries behind, without a clue as to where Jonghyun is leading them but glad he knows where to go because he himself can’t exactly think right now. He tries to see where they’re headed in the darkness behind the stage but only ends up staring at Jonghyun, unable to tear his gaze away. Suddenly, it hits him: how the boy is exactly the same as when he first saw him, and yet has changed so much in Kibum’s eyes. He’s become so much more than that stranger on the sidewalk.
Jonghyun guides him through a crowded corridor before pulling him into a room and shutting the door behind them. Kibum doesn’t look around much, but he notices a few stray wires and rack after rack of clothing and figures it must be some kind of storage room - but above all he notices it’s completely empty, and when he looks back to Jonghyun, who’s standing so close, trapping him against the door, he reaches forward to pull the boy against him because he wants this. One of Jonghyun’s hands settles on his hip, the other curling around the side of his neck and Kibum doesn’t care about his ruined make-up, about the sweat covering his skin or about the stiffness in his muscles. It feels so good to kiss Jonghyun, to let his hands run down his sides and fist in his shirt, to let his fingers hook in his belt loops and pull him ever closer. He loves him, loves him for everything he’s ever done, for being patient and showing him more than any human ever could.
“I love you,” he mumbles again, against warm lips, and Jonghyun presses their hips together, smothering him with tongue and teeth and making Kibum inhale sharply, effortlessly melting into him. One of Kibum’s hands finds its way into Jonghyun’s hair, smooth to the touch, and he can almost see in his mind’s eye the way Jonghyun’s brow is furrowed, as if he was pouring years of feelings, years of waiting into this moment. The simple thought leaves Kibum even more breathless than those soft yet eager lips on his. He feels shaky, head suddenly spinning when Jonghyun draws back slightly to rest his forehead to Kibum’s.
“I love you so much,” he whispers, though it’s loud and clear in the dark, empty room, and Kibum shivers under his gaze, at the sheer feeling of having Jonghyun close, of having him admit to this. He tilts his head and catches Jonghyun’s lips once more, kissing him hard and exhaling against his skin until he can feel a tear slide down his cheek. Jonghyun wipes it away with his thumb but doesn’t break their kiss, merely returns it like he means it because he always has. Kibum wraps his arms around his neck, holding him as close as possible and Jonghyun clings to him all the same. He doesn’t want to let go. He knows Jonghyun doesn’t either.
They hold hands for the rest of the night, even in front of Taemin who eyes their swollen, red lips knowingly, never letting their linked fingers part. And then, in the middle of the night when they’re sure Taemin is sleeping, snoring lightly in the bed next to theirs, Kibum kisses Jonghyun some more, rolls on top of him and sinks against him, into his embrace because even in this hotel room, in this foreign country, it feels like home.
***
All too soon, the tour comes to an end. Kibum and Taemin stand side by side on their last stage, holding back tears because they’ll both miss this. It was everything Kibum had hoped for it to be and more - and Jonghyun’s impromptu visits had only made it better. It’s with a heavy heart and tired mind that they return to Seoul to pack up, ready to head back to their hometown. Their contracts are already over, but at least the company assures them they’ll be contacted again if another opportunity comes up.
The dancers meet up one last time in the company studio to bid each other goodbye and share pictures and memories before parting ways. Just like Kibum, many of the younger dancers are planning on going back to school, one of which has been accepted into a Japanese university as an exchange student and that gets Kibum thinking.
He does a bit of research while riding the train back to Daegu, with Taemin dozing off in the seat next to his. He finds out that there are many programs offered to Korean students, some seeming very accommodating, and one especially catches his eye. It offers a mix of marketing and media classes along with a major in performing arts and the chance to learn Japanese. Kibum bookmarks the page, interest piqued.
His mother and Taemin’s brother are there to greet them at the train station and help them drag their heavy luggage. Kibum greets his dog, who licks him and runs around his feet for what seems like hours, and brings him up to his bedroom, taking in his small bed, neat desk and guitar case in the corner; it’s good to be home.
It’s good to be home, but thoughts of that exchange program won’t leave his mind. He knows he’ll enjoy staying in Japan since he’s been there before and he knows Jonghyun would follow him there since he’s been showing up during the tour. In other words, it’s up to him.
He talks to his mother about it and she tells him to go for it as long as it’s what he wants. He applies a few days later, receiving his letter of acceptance almost immediately because of his considerable résumé. After that, it becomes a matter of planning and packing his bags anew. His parents offer to pay for his one-way plane ticket since they won’t be able to see him off at the airport.
The day before his departure, Kibum is already all packed apart from a few minor things and the house, his room especially, feels eerily empty with only his small dog for company, his mother fast asleep in another room. He spends the early morning on his laptop, lounging in the middle of his bed, listening to his music on shuffle and soaking up all the memories it brings back. It’s with a pang of nostalgia that he realizes most of them feature Jonghyun.
He eventually heads to the kitchen when his stomach rumbles loudly, Coco trailing down the stairs after him. He opens the front door to check the mailbox, eyebrows rising at once when he finds Jonghyun seated on his porch. The boy jumps up and hugs him tightly, leaving Kibum to chuckle warmly into his neck.
“I’m leaving tomorrow,” he tells Jonghyun once they are back in the kitchen, this particular scene somewhat familiar to Kibum by then.
Jonghyun hums, listening to the other as he leans against the counter while Kibum fetches himself some food.
“Can you…” Kibum begins, distracted as he pours some soup into a bowl and a little unsure as to how to ask for this, “could you stay awake until tomorrow? To see me off at the airport?”
Jonghyun looks up just as he does, eyes round and still that same deep shade of brown that Kibum loves. He nods, simply, and Kibum goes back to stirring his soup. He feeds a few spoonfuls to Jonghyun for the heck of it and once the dishes are clean the boys retreat back to his bedroom to sit on his bed, laptop opened in front of them like they always used to do. Kibum leans into Jonghyun, rests his head on his shoulder and drapes an arm around his waist, thigh resting across Jonghyun’s legs with Coco by his side and he thinks this is perfect and warm and everything he’s missed and wants. He pecks Jonghyun’s jaw, drawing back quickly to watch the smile that stretches his lips soon after.
“Thank you,” he mumbles when Jonghyun turns to look at him. The boy smiles even wider and kisses Kibum in earnest, who loves the feeling of his breath on his cheek as he slips a hand into the other’s long hair, tongues brushing slowly, almost lazily, like both of them want to draw this out because moments like these are far too precious, meant to be kept and remembered with care.
Jonghyun proves true to his promise and is still awake when Kibum wakes up to the sound of his alarm clock the next morning. He groggily gets ready, stuffing the last of his things into his backpack, going around his room one last time to make sure he has everything before calling a taxi. Jonghyun follows him into the backseat, discretely holding his hand throughout the ride to the airport, and helps him unload his suitcases and drag them into the bustling building once they’ve arrived.
Jonghyun stuffs his hands in his pockets, patiently waiting behind him as Kibum checks in his luggage. Once his suitcases are tagged and sent off on the rolling mat behind the counters, he turns to Jonghyun and pulls him to the side.
“Thank you for coming with me,” he says and hugs the shorter boy tightly one last time. Jonghyun is frowning slightly when he pulls away.
“I can’t go further?” he asks, and Kibum goes still for a moment, hands on Jonghyun’s shoulders.
“No?” he answers, although it sounds more like a question because he thinks Jonghyun should remember something like that, like this - albeit temporary - goodbye. Then again, he reasons that maybe Jonghyun would come to another airport with him in the future, which would explain his confusion.
Jonghyun doesn’t nod, doesn’t acknowledge him further and Kibum finds the way he’s staring off into space a little unsettling, leaving him to fiddle with the straps of his backpack. He wants to kiss Jonghyun properly but doesn’t feel comfortable showcasing that in public; he prefers it when such things are for them to share, intimately. He is having a hard time making sense of the look on Jonghyun’s face, so his mind races through things he could say to break the tension and have him smiling, determined to leave Daegu on a good memory. The thought that first strikes him is unexpected, taking even him by surprise but he blurts it out anyway, wondering why his stomach seems to flip as he does so.
“I’ll dye my bangs green as soon as I land,” he says, speeding through the words, “so you’ll know what’s up when you see me next.”
He forces a smile and studies Jonghyun’s face, frown slowly creasing his brow when he notices the boy’s features only seem to darken. Jonghyun looks up into his eyes at once, gaze strained and hinting to an emotion Kibum has never seen in it before. His eyes are too wide, almost too dark, pupils blown out and Kibum feels his breath become shorter because what does this mean, now?
Jonghyun suddenly looks away, off towards the side, one of his hands raising to cover the lower half of his face and his shoulders are shaking by then, chest heaving as he seems to pant into his hand. He crushes his lids shut, arms also trembling and Kibum feels fright take over him. Before he knows it, before he can even react, Jonghyun is dry heaving in front of him, threatening to crumble on his own two legs; Kibum catches him as he stumbles forward, bewildered beyond reason as he holds Jonghyun to his chest and attempts to calm his shivering.
“What?” he croaks out, the word hoarse in his throat but Jonghyun doesn’t answer. “Jjong, w-what’s wrong?”
Kibum is worried sick when Jonghyun only whimpers, unable to answer him - people are beginning to stare at them but Jonghyun just won’t move when he tries to pull him back up to his feet to bring him further away. He feels his shirt dampen and doesn’t know what to think, let alone what to do when he realizes the boy is crying into his chest, clinging to his shirt and arms with a bruising grip.
“Shh,” Kibum tries to calm him, to no avail, and by then a few security guards have gathered around them. Kibum glances to the men almost pleadingly, as if hoping they would have an explanation of some sort but when they ask him what’s happening, Kibum can only shake his head, holding back tears of his own with his breath stuck in his lungs because he’s never been so afraid.
The men end up helping them out by a side exit, out of the public’s view so as to avoid any more disturbance. They practically have to drag Jonghyun along because he just won’t let go of Kibum. The latter tumbles down on the sidewalk alongside Jonghyun, embracing the shaking boy once more, huddling with him on the cement. One of the security guards checks Kibum’s carry-on bag while another asks him if he needs help, an ambulance, anything. Kibum shakes his head, lying through his teeth to them just so they’ll leave them alone which they all eventually do except for one, who looms behind them as Kibum rocks Jonghyun back and forth, caressing his hair and trying so hard not to cry because he doesn’t understand anything and it scares him. It looks and sounds like Jonghyun is having a serious panic attack and he doesn’t know what else to do apart from wait for it to pass, hold him tight and let him cling back to him, no matter how much it hurts.
He has no idea how much time he spends like that on the pavement, heart beating wildly in his chest. He eventually recovers enough to speak in a soft tone, whispering soothing words to the boy in his arms whose breathing is slowly becoming a little less laboured.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he speaks mindlessly, and that phrase seems to have the most calming effect on Jonghyun. He repeats it over and over again, until he can’t even understand what he’s saying anymore, until the words lose their meaning to him but it works and Jonghyun sheds his last tears, breathing deeply into his neck.
He combs through Jonghyun’s hair gently with his fingers, but when he tries to move off the ground, Jonghyun holds him down with all his weight.
“I’m bringing you home, Jjong,” he tells him, trying his best to sound comforting even though he’s far from it himself. “I’m not leaving you,” he adds, and Jonghyun eases up a little, nodding into his shoulder. “Are you ready to go home?” he asks softly.
Jonghyun doesn’t really answer, not audibly at least, but he lets himself be pulled up by Kibum. Once the latter gets him to stand, Kibum cradles his face to look at him properly and wipes his tears.
“Can you walk?”
Jonghyun answers with another nod, slightly more self-assured this time, although he’s still clinging to Kibum’s shirt. Kibum asks the security guard to get them a taxi as he slowly helps Jonghyun towards to main entrance. Soon, the guard is steering them towards a waiting car and Kibum thanks him curtly before getting in. He rubs Jonghyun’s back throughout the ride, mind still reeling from it all; he has never seen Jonghyun like this before and it’s driving him crazy with worry.
Jonghyun seems somewhat calmer by the time they reach his house, Kibum hurrying to pay the driver, unsure what to expect now. He does the only thing he can think of and brings Jonghyun up to his bedroom. He lies him down on his bed alongside Coco, meaning to fetch a cold, damp towel from the bathroom but Jonghyun won’t let go of him, still, so he settles down on his bed next to him.
“What’s wrong? Jjong, please tell me what’s wrong,” he implores, but Jonghyun’s mouth remains shut and his tears spill over once more. Kibum is at a loss for what to do and it pains him to only be able to stand by at a time like this, so utterly lost as to how to fix it. He ends up shedding tears of his own as Jonghyun holds him all too tightly, almost desperately.
They stay like that for a long time and, at some point, exhaustion and weariness take over, making him succumb to a restless sleep.
He is woken up by the sound of his ringtone and rolls over in his bed to stretch an arm, blindly searching for his bag on the floor. He eventually finds it nearby and fumbles around the many pockets for his phone.
“Hello?” he speaks sleepily, rolling onto his back and frowning when his shoulder bumps into something.
“K-Kibum?” a frantic voice asks, which he only recognizes a few seconds later as his mother’s. He reaches to his side with his free hand, meaning to push Coco out of the way but what he touches doesn’t feel like fur.
“Yeah?” he answers, uncertain all of a sudden because when he forces his eyes open for the first time, he sees a body lying down beside him.
“Oh thank god you’re okay,” she chokes out, sounding breathless which is exactly how Kibum feels when he realizes it’s none other than Jonghyun laid out beside him, unmoving.
“W-what?” is all he can utter, stuttering because it really looks like Jonghyun is sleeping. He stares at the back of the boy’s head, noting how his chest is moving steadily, breathing in and out and when he leans over him to get a closer look, he sees those same tear tracks, dried now, run down his cheeks.
“Where are you?” his mother asks, jolting him back to attention as he hovers above Jonghyun, taking in how surreal this all is.
“I’m,” he starts, stopping to clear his throat when the rest of the words won’t come out, “I’m at home.”
“Thank god,” she says again, followed by what sounds like a sob and Kibum suddenly feels very awake, wondering just what the hell is going on.
“I’m fine, mom, what is it?”
“The plane,” she speaks in a rush, slightly incoherent, “your plane - there was an accident…” She trails off, and it’s obvious by her heavy breathing that she’s crying. “There was a fire aboard and I…”
Kibum freezes, unable to process what she’s saying exactly because did Jonghyun just save his life?
“Kibum?” he hears his mother say when he remains silent, too shocked to speak.
Slowly, Jonghyun’s eyes flutter open and his arms stretch out by his sides, his hand bumping into Kibum’s hip as he yawns. He looks drained, his hair a mess and his gaze foggy with sleep, until he notices Kibum staring at him intently. He freezes in turn, going completely still as his eyes widen in a way that brings Kibum to believe he doesn’t know what’s happening either.
“Kibum?” his mother repeats, louder. Jonghyun perks up at the sound.
“Yes?” he breathes out, still staring at the other boy.
“Are you alright?” she asks again, needing reassurance.
“Yeah, I…” he pauses to swallow thickly, carefully studied by Jonghyun, “I missed my flight. I wasn’t there - when it caught fire.”
He feels more than he sees Jonghyun go stiff beside him, a faraway look in his eyes.
“I’m coming home as soon as my shift ends,” his mother says urgently, “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” he responds mechanically and she hangs up, the line going dead.
He lets his phone slip through his fingers, landing on the mattress between them with a soft thump. Coco gets up from where he was curled up at the foot of the bed to sniff around it with a wagging tail.
“You saved my life,” Kibum states, and saying it out loud makes it seem even more real, makes him realize that it really could have all ended. Jonghyun throws him an unsure look, brown eyes glazed over with confusion as if he doesn’t understand any more of it than Kibum does. “You saved my life,” he repeats, because it’s slowly starting to sink in, as terrifying as it is to admit.
Jonghyun frowns, pensive, seemingly elsewhere.
“Jonghyun, what happened?”
That brings him back to focus and finally, finally he opens his mouth to speak.
“I…” he starts, looking part confused and part thoughtful. “When you said you’d dye your hair green, well, I couldn’t remember ever seeing you with green hair. And then I realized I-” he stops again, thoughtful.
Kibum merely nods, urging him on.
“I realized I didn’t remember what was supposed to happen next, how we’d part and it seemed like an important moment, one that I would’ve remembered,” he explains, voice slightly gruff from sleep and tears. “But there was nothing. I couldn’t remember anything so I panicked - and then I couldn’t remember panicking and that’s something I would’ve definitely remembered so it made me panic even more.”
His tone is becoming a bit shaky as he speaks; Kibum places a hand on his side, rubbing his waist to keep him talking.
Jonghyun frowns, carrying on in a low murmur, “And now, no matter how hard I think I can’t seem to find any memories of you as an adult.” He exhales at once, trying to keep his breathing steady. “I think you were meant to die,” and Kibum’s hand fists in his shirt. “But I changed that. Or you did. But the future changed and now I think I’m… stuck. Here.”
“Maybe it was supposed to happen this way?” Kibum tries when Jonghyun doesn’t go on. “Maybe you can’t remember the future because you’d be stuck here?”
Jonghyun doesn’t answer right away, his frown never leaving his brow. He shifts on the mattress, ill at ease.
“I don’t think so, Kibum,” he eventually speaks, looking up to meet his eyes. “I really feel like something… changed. I feel lost,” he adds, and Kibum has no trouble believing that; it’s easy to see. “It feels different.”
Kibum’s gaze drops back to the mattress and the pup between them, feeling just as lost, just as clueless as Jonghyun seems to be and yet there’s something else, too.
“So,” he says, clearing his throat, tentatively locking eyes with Jonghyun’s again, a bit reassured to see the boy’s expression has softened a little, “you think you’re really…?”
“Yeah,” Jonghyun breathes, and Kibum never expected that simple word to sound so wonderful.
They stare at each other and Kibum can feel his eyes beginning to water and surely enough, a choked-out sob splutters out of his mouth and he’s left to repeat broken thank you’s, for him and for everything, and Jonghyun pulls him into a hug. He crawls over Coco and hugs him back, this boy to whom he owes so much.
“You’re stuck with me, now,” Jonghyun says, voice muffled by Kibum’s shoulder, quivering like his own even though he’s trying to tease, and Kibum laughs, laughs until more tears stream down his cheeks because he thinks it’s fitting, how they both managed to stumble into everything they’ve ever wished for. That it’s up to them, now.
***
“What do we do now?” Jonghyun asks, a while later, with his fingers tangled in Kibum’s blond locks as he eyes the other’s reddened lips, unused to living so entirely in the moment.
Kibum runs his hand down his bare chest and ducks down to kiss the bruising mark on his neck.
“I was thinking ice cream?”
Jonghyun chuckles beneath him.
“Ice cream it is,” he simply agrees.
← End
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A/N: End \o/ because the future should be ours.
Key's hair: blond as before, Sherlock + hinted green Sherlock (source: as tagged, cr: fuckyeahdivakey).
First off, thank you to my beautiful friend who agreed to read this fic over. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the time you put into this.
Huuuuge thank you to everyone who’s reading this right now :) and thank you thank you thank you to everyone who left comments - to be honest, this fic was very (unexpectedly so) hard to write at times, so it really does mean a lot ♥. A lot a lot ♥♥.
That being said, I really hope you’ve enjoyed this!