Dear Diary, let's talk about sex. And no, not that movie fantasy fun stuff. Reality.
Sex, being a virgin, and all that. It's long and rambling, and typical me.(Neph, run away, run away now.)
I've looked it up, I've researched it. All better trying to understand it, and myself, my family's hopes and fears, and the promise I made to my parents back in high school. And yes Wade, if you hadn't cornered me I wouldn't have gotten this far but you did, and I did, so there, o?
Historically, biblically, what philosophers and physicians say. I Googled it, and Wiki'd it, and I've been on teenage advice forums. I've read dozens of other opinions all the way from one end of the spectrum to the other.
"If a woman is unmarried, she is a virgin, because virgin means unmarried."
"Whoever looketh... to lust after (her) hath committed adultery (with her) already in his heart." I'm pretty certain that if I'm looking with lust that would mean I wasn't a virgin, right? I'm just making an educated guess here. Because I have lusted. Oh dear lord I have lusted. Not long ago, too.
"Virgin is the absence of the knowledge of evil. Once someone knows that something is wrong and evil is the time that they cease to be pure and virginal."
Then there is this one "I propose that virginity is twofold. I think there is an emotional virginity and a physical virginity. I think that to truly no longer be a virgin you must give up both the emotional attachment to your virginity and engage in physical acts of sex. In my "definition", any intimate sex act which involves nudity and stimulation with the goal of orgasm counts as sex. I think nudity and stimulation are the "points of no return", not penetration. Regardless of whether that act is heterosexual or homosexual in nature, if you share your body with another person, or if you give pleasure to another person that involves orgasm or intends to cause orgasm, you have had sex. I also feel that virginity is not something you "lose" or something that is "taken", but something you share with another person, like a rare chocolate or a once in a life time sunset. If you haven't given it, it doesn't completely count as being gone.
I think that people who are raped and or molested are still virgins in the emotional sense even if their body has had sex. They have not stopped "being" a virgin, nor have they experienced the emotions that go along with giving ones body to another. If it is taken from you, although it may physically be sex, I don't think that it is fair to tell you you are no longer a virgin. You may still feel as if you have not had sex, you may still view sex with naivety. Being victimized should not force you to live with a label you neither wanted nor asked for. Virginity is not something we passively lose, non-virginity is something we deliberately choose to take."
Or even this, which is close to the one above, but not quite. "I will agree with the article that I read in the site in which it proposes two forms of virginity. Physical virginity and emotional virginity. So when a person has sex for the first time they lose their emotional and physical virginity. Physical virginity involves inserting or penetrating your private parts into someone else's or inserting items that penetrate. Emotional virginity means becoming aware of sexual things and experiencing them; this is something that can be lost through time or in a day or hour, but mostly through time. In my opinion, you must have sexual intercourse in order to have sex; end of story. Physical virginity is just what it sounds like: physical: meaning something physical like a penis goes inside a girl's vagina and there is deep penetration that has not occurred before.
What did my family hope for me, want for me and fear would happen? Let's be honest here, I know my mom, my aunts, my dad. I know that the days of showing off a bloody bedsheet the night after a wedding are long gone. Still, do I think that my father would have like to have known that he 'protected me' until I made the right choice of which person (in their hopes and dreams) that I would share my life and body with for the rest of my life? My father, my mother, my family. What they wanted for me? Was wedding, marriage, husband, children, happily ever after. All together, all at once, one big happy ending.
Is it sexist? Is it patriarchal? Is it an outdated form of ensuring who the father of the children are, or the continued enslavement of the female of the species to outdated, archaic concepts? Is virginity the purity and supposed worth of a woman, or what have you? Do I really need to go there with that? Yes. But - is it also a father trying to protect someone he loves from making horrible mistakes, becoming heartbroken, getting pregnant or diseased, and not having that happily ever after that he wants so much for his little girl to have? I know, I've simplified things here. A lot. It's my diary, I can do that.
Would my family do that to my two little brothers? Mmm, probably not. No, lets be serious, they wouldn't. But my brothers are growing up to be men, whereas I'll always be my daddy's little girl, at least in his eyes. And the women that my brother's marry? Will be (most likely) their own daddy's little girls as well. It's not fair, and it's very biased. But it's life. And I love my family.
Did I make this promise back before I even thought of guys as something more than those annoying idiots that kept causing disruptions in the classroom and drove too fast, talked too much and were clumsy and oafish children? Yes. Oh yes, I did. And then did I hide myself away for - God - for literally years with my head in books while those boys grew up, became mature, took on responsibility and began to listen as well as talk? Yes, I did that too. Did I give any one of them a chance to prove that they were something more than what I'd seen and remembered from those highschool days? Nope. I was stand-offish, and cold, and reserved and wow.
They (generally speaking) matured. Me? In some ways I'm not certain if I did. Flirting? I suck at it. That whole innuendo, double entendre, adult-speak thing? Nope, suck at that too. That inner voice that says someone really likes/wants/desires/is stalking you? I don't think I ever really developed it. At all. Not to say that I didn't develop. Biology, physiology, Biomedical Chemistry, Advanced Mathematics, Pathology, Patient Care; I've got that down. Hit the home run.
Relating to people? Telling whether a guy is interested or just being polite - and I always think that they're just being polite because hey - isn't everyone polite? Or, you know, at least most people. (Neph, do not throw up on my journal! I know some people aren't nice or good, or happy or what have you. But it's a proven fact that the majority of society is Or, at least they aren't all that bad!) Those little tell tale signs that tell me a guy is interested? Hah. And my responses, how I'm supposed to flirt in return? That whole batting of the eyes thing, and the demure smiling at whatever part of the conversation thing, the fluffing of the hair thing, the leaning forward to show off my breasts and the... the whatever of the whatever thing? I suck at that. I suck at it so bad. (part of me doesn't want to learn it either but it would help figure people out a lot easier. Hmm, maybe a class in non-verbal communication skills is in order? MUST THINK ON THIS.)
And I get nervous because I'm always missing the 'tells' and the signs, and the hundreds of subtle, and not so subtle and the - hit me with a clue-bat why don't you - verbal and nonverbal clues that are a part of society, part of life. HAHA. Would I be happier the rest of my life with my head in a book? Once I would have said yes. Hell yes. But now? Now I can't do that. No, now I don't want to.
But I digress.
SO. Virginity to me. What the hell is virginity to me? Some of those quotes above and maybe some of my own ideas too? Was I a virgin before I started dating Mike? And yes, I've finally come to the hardcore conclusion that yes, we are indeed dating. But was I a virgin? Yes. Mentally, physically, maybe emotionally too for all I know. Am I now? Physically yes, because I'm going to go by 'the penetration of my private parts by someone else's private parts.' Or 'the inserting something that can penetrate deeply into my private parts for purposes of voluntary sexual fulfillment and pleasure on behalf of by another equally involved and pleasure-seeking person.'
I'm not going to go with the 'splitting the hymen' deal, because that could be lost in a Gynecological exam, and it's not the same. Speculums, ugh... And I'm not going to go with the 'if you're raped you aren't a virgin anymore' baloney either. And yes, we french kissed and no that did not take and will not take my virginity. Nor will any other mouth-to-flesh sexual fulfillment.
So yes, physically I am still a virgin. Like someone said above, it's not something you lose, and it's not something that someone can take away from you. It's something you give to another. Your choice. So it should be the right one. One that you think about - correction. One that I think about. This is my definition and my decision, not anyone else's.
"Emotional virginity means becoming aware of sexual things and experiencing them; this is something that can be lost through time or in a day or hour, but mostly through time." And that? That I'm losing the more time I spend with Mike. The more time I want to spend with Mike. Is this what my family was talking about? No, I don't believe so. They were thinking of that first time - hymen thing only. The physical barrier. That's what I promised them and...
And that is the promise that I'm going to keep. No deep vaginal or anal penetration. (Anal is out anyway. Seriously, just. No. No.) Not until I have my doctorate papers in my hand.
I hope Mike is ok with it, I'm really hoping that... but that's another journal entry. I can't dictate his actions, I can only make my decisions and dictate my own actions. And I'm going to keep my promise.
***
((Any responses to this, unless you are like Neph and keep sneaking peaks into Anika's diary? Should all be considered Meta.))
I've looked it up, I've researched it. All better trying to understand it, and myself, my family's hopes and fears, and the promise I made to my parents back in high school. And yes Wade, if you hadn't cornered me I wouldn't have gotten this far but you did, and I did, so there, o?
Historically, biblically, what philosophers and physicians say. I Googled it, and Wiki'd it, and I've been on teenage advice forums. I've read dozens of other opinions all the way from one end of the spectrum to the other.
"If a woman is unmarried, she is a virgin, because virgin means unmarried."
"Whoever looketh... to lust after (her) hath committed adultery (with her) already in his heart." I'm pretty certain that if I'm looking with lust that would mean I wasn't a virgin, right? I'm just making an educated guess here. Because I have lusted. Oh dear lord I have lusted. Not long ago, too.
"Virgin is the absence of the knowledge of evil. Once someone knows that something is wrong and evil is the time that they cease to be pure and virginal."
Then there is this one "I propose that virginity is twofold. I think there is an emotional virginity and a physical virginity. I think that to truly no longer be a virgin you must give up both the emotional attachment to your virginity and engage in physical acts of sex. In my "definition", any intimate sex act which involves nudity and stimulation with the goal of orgasm counts as sex. I think nudity and stimulation are the "points of no return", not penetration. Regardless of whether that act is heterosexual or homosexual in nature, if you share your body with another person, or if you give pleasure to another person that involves orgasm or intends to cause orgasm, you have had sex. I also feel that virginity is not something you "lose" or something that is "taken", but something you share with another person, like a rare chocolate or a once in a life time sunset. If you haven't given it, it doesn't completely count as being gone.
I think that people who are raped and or molested are still virgins in the emotional sense even if their body has had sex. They have not stopped "being" a virgin, nor have they experienced the emotions that go along with giving ones body to another. If it is taken from you, although it may physically be sex, I don't think that it is fair to tell you you are no longer a virgin. You may still feel as if you have not had sex, you may still view sex with naivety. Being victimized should not force you to live with a label you neither wanted nor asked for. Virginity is not something we passively lose, non-virginity is something we deliberately choose to take."
Or even this, which is close to the one above, but not quite. "I will agree with the article that I read in the site in which it proposes two forms of virginity. Physical virginity and emotional virginity. So when a person has sex for the first time they lose their emotional and physical virginity. Physical virginity involves inserting or penetrating your private parts into someone else's or inserting items that penetrate. Emotional virginity means becoming aware of sexual things and experiencing them; this is something that can be lost through time or in a day or hour, but mostly through time. In my opinion, you must have sexual intercourse in order to have sex; end of story. Physical virginity is just what it sounds like: physical: meaning something physical like a penis goes inside a girl's vagina and there is deep penetration that has not occurred before.
What did my family hope for me, want for me and fear would happen? Let's be honest here, I know my mom, my aunts, my dad. I know that the days of showing off a bloody bedsheet the night after a wedding are long gone. Still, do I think that my father would have like to have known that he 'protected me' until I made the right choice of which person (in their hopes and dreams) that I would share my life and body with for the rest of my life? My father, my mother, my family. What they wanted for me? Was wedding, marriage, husband, children, happily ever after. All together, all at once, one big happy ending.
Is it sexist? Is it patriarchal? Is it an outdated form of ensuring who the father of the children are, or the continued enslavement of the female of the species to outdated, archaic concepts? Is virginity the purity and supposed worth of a woman, or what have you? Do I really need to go there with that? Yes. But - is it also a father trying to protect someone he loves from making horrible mistakes, becoming heartbroken, getting pregnant or diseased, and not having that happily ever after that he wants so much for his little girl to have? I know, I've simplified things here. A lot. It's my diary, I can do that.
Would my family do that to my two little brothers? Mmm, probably not. No, lets be serious, they wouldn't. But my brothers are growing up to be men, whereas I'll always be my daddy's little girl, at least in his eyes. And the women that my brother's marry? Will be (most likely) their own daddy's little girls as well. It's not fair, and it's very biased. But it's life. And I love my family.
Did I make this promise back before I even thought of guys as something more than those annoying idiots that kept causing disruptions in the classroom and drove too fast, talked too much and were clumsy and oafish children? Yes. Oh yes, I did. And then did I hide myself away for - God - for literally years with my head in books while those boys grew up, became mature, took on responsibility and began to listen as well as talk? Yes, I did that too. Did I give any one of them a chance to prove that they were something more than what I'd seen and remembered from those highschool days? Nope. I was stand-offish, and cold, and reserved and wow.
They (generally speaking) matured. Me? In some ways I'm not certain if I did. Flirting? I suck at it. That whole innuendo, double entendre, adult-speak thing? Nope, suck at that too. That inner voice that says someone really likes/wants/desires/is stalking you? I don't think I ever really developed it. At all. Not to say that I didn't develop. Biology, physiology, Biomedical Chemistry, Advanced Mathematics, Pathology, Patient Care; I've got that down. Hit the home run.
Relating to people? Telling whether a guy is interested or just being polite - and I always think that they're just being polite because hey - isn't everyone polite? Or, you know, at least most people. (Neph, do not throw up on my journal! I know some people aren't nice or good, or happy or what have you. But it's a proven fact that the majority of society is Or, at least they aren't all that bad!) Those little tell tale signs that tell me a guy is interested? Hah. And my responses, how I'm supposed to flirt in return? That whole batting of the eyes thing, and the demure smiling at whatever part of the conversation thing, the fluffing of the hair thing, the leaning forward to show off my breasts and the... the whatever of the whatever thing? I suck at that. I suck at it so bad. (part of me doesn't want to learn it either but it would help figure people out a lot easier. Hmm, maybe a class in non-verbal communication skills is in order? MUST THINK ON THIS.)
And I get nervous because I'm always missing the 'tells' and the signs, and the hundreds of subtle, and not so subtle and the - hit me with a clue-bat why don't you - verbal and nonverbal clues that are a part of society, part of life. HAHA. Would I be happier the rest of my life with my head in a book? Once I would have said yes. Hell yes. But now? Now I can't do that. No, now I don't want to.
But I digress.
SO. Virginity to me. What the hell is virginity to me? Some of those quotes above and maybe some of my own ideas too? Was I a virgin before I started dating Mike? And yes, I've finally come to the hardcore conclusion that yes, we are indeed dating. But was I a virgin? Yes. Mentally, physically, maybe emotionally too for all I know. Am I now? Physically yes, because I'm going to go by 'the penetration of my private parts by someone else's private parts.' Or 'the inserting something that can penetrate deeply into my private parts for purposes of voluntary sexual fulfillment and pleasure on behalf of by another equally involved and pleasure-seeking person.'
I'm not going to go with the 'splitting the hymen' deal, because that could be lost in a Gynecological exam, and it's not the same. Speculums, ugh... And I'm not going to go with the 'if you're raped you aren't a virgin anymore' baloney either. And yes, we french kissed and no that did not take and will not take my virginity. Nor will any other mouth-to-flesh sexual fulfillment.
So yes, physically I am still a virgin. Like someone said above, it's not something you lose, and it's not something that someone can take away from you. It's something you give to another. Your choice. So it should be the right one. One that you think about - correction. One that I think about. This is my definition and my decision, not anyone else's.
"Emotional virginity means becoming aware of sexual things and experiencing them; this is something that can be lost through time or in a day or hour, but mostly through time." And that? That I'm losing the more time I spend with Mike. The more time I want to spend with Mike. Is this what my family was talking about? No, I don't believe so. They were thinking of that first time - hymen thing only. The physical barrier. That's what I promised them and...
And that is the promise that I'm going to keep. No deep vaginal or anal penetration. (Anal is out anyway. Seriously, just. No. No.) Not until I have my doctorate papers in my hand.
I hope Mike is ok with it, I'm really hoping that... but that's another journal entry. I can't dictate his actions, I can only make my decisions and dictate my own actions. And I'm going to keep my promise.
***
((Any responses to this, unless you are like Neph and keep sneaking peaks into Anika's diary? Should all be considered Meta.))