"May I see your license and registration and a large object to shove up my ass."
The majority of law officials are "reformed" trouble maker kids that didn't have much other choice but to be the law or break the law or dorky guys from high school that didn't get much play, so they figured this would be a good way to pick up chicks and have an ego booster. And let's not forget our dear pals lesbian law officials such as Officer Dyke Donna reporting to strap duty on.
So, as you might have already been able to tell from my resentment, cops are on my shit list. Not ones that actually add to the structure and growth of society. I'm talking about the ones whose idea of a good time is buying a TWELVE PACK at DUNKIN' DONUTS and then pulling people over who aren't bothering anyone. Last time I checked there were, oh I dno, a few hundred thousand drug dealers on the streets. Let's pull over people doing ten over the speed limit that means dog shit instead.
I got pulled over on 195 tonight doing 70 in a 65. That's right folks. I have a radar detector, and though I am very aware that some radar can go undetected by the radar detector, this cop did not have his on. I know this because he did not guess accurately how fast I was going. That's right guess. He just got his panties in a bunch because I passed him. I am a schmuck to even think it would not be a problem. I should know better.
SCENARIO PLAYED OUT AS FOLLOWS:
I am doing 100 mph in the left lane when all of the sudden I see a cop in the center lane so I slow down to 70 mph. As I am getting closer he slows down more, so I do also, doing about 65. I was going to move into the right lane to get behind him when I realized he was now doing abou 62 and I still had a while to go before reaching my destination. I did not want to follow his slow ass the whole way home while he fucked around. So I figured I'd just pass him and then be on my way. Well he was fucking antagonizing me.
I do 70 again, pass him, he gets behind me, I pull into the center lane, he pulls back behind me, I'm like, "fuck, shit, fuck fuck", and then I get pulled over.
Officer Dickhead and his Young Rookie Tight Ass Scout: "Do you know why I'm pulling you over?"
What I wanted to say: "Because you're an idiot"
What I actually said, "no"
Officer Dickhead Strikes Again: "Because you were doing over 70 in a 65 but you were in the left lane first hanging back"
What I wanted to say: "That's because I wanted to see how fast you were going before I smoked you, and it's sure as shit a good thing you didn't see me a couple miles back when I was doing 100."
What I actually said: "No, I was doing 70"
Officer Dickhead never shuts up: "Well ok, but the speed limit is 65. Do you have a clean driving record?"
What I wanted to say: "About as clean as my drawers"
What I actually said: "Yes"
He takes my stuff, probably makes a dipshit guy comment or two to the young state trooper with him, and then comes back.
Officer Dickhead you are relentless: "Are your grades as good as your driving record?"
What I wanted to say: "Is your ass as ugly as your face?"
What I actually said, "Yes"
Statetrooper Dickhead Bids me fairwell: "Here's a written warning. Use the shoulder and get home safely."
Moral of the story: New Jersey State Troopers are dickheads.
I want to be one sometimes so I can speed and eat donuts all day. Plus handcuffs and guns are cool. But I'd really like to be a firefighter because they like to play cards, drink, and play with fire and water, not to mention I'd get to wear suspenders, and that's just sexy.
So, as you might have already been able to tell from my resentment, cops are on my shit list. Not ones that actually add to the structure and growth of society. I'm talking about the ones whose idea of a good time is buying a TWELVE PACK at DUNKIN' DONUTS and then pulling people over who aren't bothering anyone. Last time I checked there were, oh I dno, a few hundred thousand drug dealers on the streets. Let's pull over people doing ten over the speed limit that means dog shit instead.
I got pulled over on 195 tonight doing 70 in a 65. That's right folks. I have a radar detector, and though I am very aware that some radar can go undetected by the radar detector, this cop did not have his on. I know this because he did not guess accurately how fast I was going. That's right guess. He just got his panties in a bunch because I passed him. I am a schmuck to even think it would not be a problem. I should know better.
SCENARIO PLAYED OUT AS FOLLOWS:
I am doing 100 mph in the left lane when all of the sudden I see a cop in the center lane so I slow down to 70 mph. As I am getting closer he slows down more, so I do also, doing about 65. I was going to move into the right lane to get behind him when I realized he was now doing abou 62 and I still had a while to go before reaching my destination. I did not want to follow his slow ass the whole way home while he fucked around. So I figured I'd just pass him and then be on my way. Well he was fucking antagonizing me.
I do 70 again, pass him, he gets behind me, I pull into the center lane, he pulls back behind me, I'm like, "fuck, shit, fuck fuck", and then I get pulled over.
Officer Dickhead and his Young Rookie Tight Ass Scout: "Do you know why I'm pulling you over?"
What I wanted to say: "Because you're an idiot"
What I actually said, "no"
Officer Dickhead Strikes Again: "Because you were doing over 70 in a 65 but you were in the left lane first hanging back"
What I wanted to say: "That's because I wanted to see how fast you were going before I smoked you, and it's sure as shit a good thing you didn't see me a couple miles back when I was doing 100."
What I actually said: "No, I was doing 70"
Officer Dickhead never shuts up: "Well ok, but the speed limit is 65. Do you have a clean driving record?"
What I wanted to say: "About as clean as my drawers"
What I actually said: "Yes"
He takes my stuff, probably makes a dipshit guy comment or two to the young state trooper with him, and then comes back.
Officer Dickhead you are relentless: "Are your grades as good as your driving record?"
What I wanted to say: "Is your ass as ugly as your face?"
What I actually said, "Yes"
Statetrooper Dickhead Bids me fairwell: "Here's a written warning. Use the shoulder and get home safely."
Moral of the story: New Jersey State Troopers are dickheads.
I want to be one sometimes so I can speed and eat donuts all day. Plus handcuffs and guns are cool. But I'd really like to be a firefighter because they like to play cards, drink, and play with fire and water, not to mention I'd get to wear suspenders, and that's just sexy.