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i'm going to start my livejournal yet again, because i feel like it's what i need to do. i need to express myself more. i hold too much in and when it comes out, i just blow up. it's not good for me, and i'm finally realizing it. but it's okay. i'm okay. it's been a while since i last been here. a long while. i feel like i've missed out on so much reading up on a few old friends and how they feel about things. i've missed out on so much. i feel like i haven't been there. for anything. for those of you that i've neglected, i appologize. i'm so sorry. i need to be right with myself and others. because lord knows that i can only get my true feelings out about things through writing. it's all i've got.
things haven't been the same recently with a few people. i feel somewhat like a backstabber. sometimes i feel like a horrible person. you know. sometimes it gets old with friends saying, "oh your the best person i know." don't get me wrong, it's a nice thought. but sometimes i wish i had the balls to say "you don't know shit." i know what i'm capable of, and that's hurting a few people that mean the most to me. you know who you are. and i'm so sorry for that. i wish things could've played out differently.
i've somewhat lost myself. i drink too much. i smoke too much. and the sad thing is that i know that is what i turn to when i'm upset, depressed, pissed off, and pretty much down about everything. i need to stop, but i don't know how. i'm not the same person i used to be. i've grown up a lot, but i miss the innocent nights. because a lot of the time, that's all that mattered to me. the groups. the friends. and now it's just me, a few close friends, and that's it. i love my close friends, don't get me wrong... but sometimes i just miss the old days. the smiles. the closeness. i just miss it. now it's just a different kind of smile. a "let's get fucked up and have the time of our lives" kind of smile.
i mean honestly, i can't even remember the last movie i went to go see, or the last park i went to. well.... that's not true. i remember the last time i was at a park. it's when she was around. the only big crush i've had since jill. sure...i've liked girls... but not like this. it's different. i know it. i just wish she felt the same. we had a few moments. at least that's how i felt. and i'm pretty sure that she felt it then also. now it's different.
i'm done for tonight. this will not be my last journal. i promised myself. i'm going out on the porch for a cigarette... because it's what i need to do. be sad.